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How could he have no interest?


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Old 8th July 2016, 10:18 AM   #1
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How could he have no interest?

I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?
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Old 8th July 2016, 10:20 AM   #2
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You need to cut back on the chit chat.

He sounds bored and you talk and he has few boundaries.

What he is doing is unprofessional even if he doesn't want to be with you.
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Old 8th July 2016, 10:21 AM   #3
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I think your assessment is accurate. He enjoys slacking off and not doing his job but doesn't want to know you outside of that environment. I would find another trainer, you're not going to get fit OR hitched with this one.
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Old 8th July 2016, 10:46 AM   #4
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It's normal that you feel bad because you're starting to attach to him.

If you're feeling bad, it would be time to join a different gym or get a different trainer. When I'm working out, I hate distractions and I don't like chit chat because I want to be focused on my workout and the one time I had a trainer, he was just as serious about motivating and pushing me. This guy sounds like he's slacking off and whiling away his time with you and nothing more. Sounds like he just enjoys the attention and being in the moment but nothing more than that.

Also bear in mind, he is also training a lot of women that walk into that gym -- so he is probably less focused on creating any attachment to just one woman.

Last edited by Zahara; 8th July 2016 at 10:49 AM..
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Old 8th July 2016, 11:00 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chahy377 View Post
I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Am I wrong for feeling this way?

Not wrong, per se, your feelings are your feelings. However, I would view these "interactions" as client relations. Like hair dressers or bartenders Yeah, maybe he did get a little too "involved" in the sense of sharing, but
you are just another client at the gym, etc. He doesn't owe you anything. You two aren't in a romantic relationship. He may be working his way to asking you out, who knows?

It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". -- That's likely because you are irrelevant in his real life. Some people just wear their hearts on their sleeve. The fact that he doesn't remember stuff about you, says that he's not tuned in to you, in my book, and it's all about him.

Just sit back and observe. Treat it like a professional relationship. If he gets too detailed, etc., don't entertain it. Just say, "hey, let's just keep this professional". And, he may do that with other clients as well.

If you have a strong attraction to him, you could invite him for coffee and see how he responds. But, I'd sit back and let it play out.
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Old 8th July 2016, 1:50 PM   #6
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It's just been so incredibly hard to understand....during our sessions he'll tell me things we should do together like playing tennis or hiking...but it never happens. He tells me he'll send me links to different things....but it never happens. That he'll follow up with me to see how I'm doing...never happens. I know it sounds bad but I'm starting to despise him....it just sounds like he just likes to hear himself talk and just says anything. If he just would've kept things about the training and didn't engage so much outside of what is professionally required I would've been fine...but it's like he carelessly sets these expectations but doesn't follow through. I'm also at fault for reading more into any of it...but he's the one that initiates the hour long talk sessions and deep conversation, I just go along with it.
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Old 8th July 2016, 1:58 PM   #7
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Your feelings aren't wrong. You are entitled to have your feelings, always. It's what you do about them that matters.

In this case, I think he enjoys the attention he gets from you during your "training" sessions. Unfortunately, they come at the expense of doing what you are paying him to do, which is train you. He is also using you as a sounding board for his personal issues when the training sessions should really be focused just on you.

Actions > words. His actions show that he is not interested in you romantically, and frankly that he isn't even that much of a trainer when he fails to send you workouts or check on your progress during the week. He
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Old 8th July 2016, 2:07 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Chahy377 View Post
If he just would've kept things about the training and didn't engage so much outside of what is professionally required I would've been fine...I'm also at fault for reading more into any of it...but he's the one that initiates the hour long talk sessions and deep conversation, I just go along with it.
At some point it becomes your responsibility to set a boundary. It's your fault to keep allowing yourself to go along with it even when you know the situation isn't changing. When he initiates, cut it short and divert it back to the workout. When your hour is up, exchange niceties and move along.
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Old 8th July 2016, 2:16 PM   #9
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Obviously his good looks got you all tingly...time to snap out of it. He is a paid instructor but is using you as his therapist. So unprofessional. I would report it to the gym that he is not doing his job. Then proceed to ask for a new instructor.
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Old 8th July 2016, 4:34 PM   #10
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Maybe he's not single.

He enjoys the chats at work and the ego-stroke from sensing that you are attracted to him, but he's not taking it further.

If you are getting attached, it's time to find a different trainer.
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Old 8th July 2016, 6:08 PM   #11
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It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.
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Old 9th July 2016, 7:45 PM   #12
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It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.
To me it sounded just like a stripper or hot waitress who some guys think is in love with them. It sounds like he is being friendly as part of his job and that is it. Probably friendly but unprofessional.
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Old 17th July 2016, 9:06 AM   #13
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The thing is I'm never the one to initiate any of the conversation...he's the ones who does most of the talking and doesn't mind when it extends for hours. It's the weirdest thing
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Old 17th July 2016, 1:18 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chahy377 View Post
I've been working with a personal fitness trainer who is very attractive. During our sessions twice a week we talk about a variety of things often times conversation so deep we completely stop working out...our sessions are only supposed to be 45 min but often times they end up being an hour and a half to two hours. One time we just sat and talked for three hours without picking up a single weight. I don't pay for the extra time. He has confided many deep and serious things to me.

The thing is that outside our sessions he doesn't contact me...about anything. The things we've talked about or even the training aspect of things which he is kinda required to do as my trainer. He rarely remembers to schedule our sessions without my prompting. He'll say he'll send me workouts during the week or follow up with me about something and completely forgets during the week. So this means I don't even cross his mind at all....not even as a true friend at the very least. And definitely not as someone he's interested in romantically

All signs point he has 0 interest in me as a person...and it makes me not want to engage with him at all because our deep convos don't mean anything outside our sessions. It makes me feel bad that I am completely irrelevant in his "real life". Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Seems like you're paying for a trainer but aren't getting one and he's in fact getting free therapy from you.

I think you should probably get a new trainer. If this guy isn't doing what you want to do, you're not even picking up a single weight, but you're paying, for what? At least pay someone who will do what you're paying them to do. He's being very unprofessional frankly.

It doesn't seem like he's interested, some people like to talk or talk about their problems and let a load off with people they feel are safe. Maybe you are safe because of the context. It unfortunately doesn't necessarily mean they are interested.
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Old 17th July 2016, 1:24 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
It's like beauty salon stylists. They have to be everyone's psychologist too, but don't expect to hear from them after work. Trainers shouldn't even be placed into that role. They have to indulge you, but they don't have to listen to you off the clock, and he doesn't want to. He's just trying to keep you happy and keep his job. Stop taxing him.
Except he's the one telling her his problems....a client definitely should NOT be the one paying their trainer or stylist to have the stylist not do their hair and just talk about their problems, or their trainer not train them just talk about his own problems.
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