I have feelings for a coworker

[chandler1]

Hello everyone.

 

Before going on a long rant, I appologise for my English. I beg everyone to give me a piece of advice on this dilemma.

 

 

I'm feeling desperate and empty on the inside. I'm with my girlfriend for nearly 6 years, living together for about 2.

Our relationship has it's ups and down's, we still love each other, I can't see myself without her in my life and if she didn't love me to death, she would have broken up with me a long time ago. However, my relationship is not something that I want you guys to give me advice on about.

 

I started on a new job 7 months ago, which I have been totally focused on since the start. There's a girl working there, not in my department, that I had not paid attention until about 4 months ago. I saw her for the first time 1 month later after I started, and the first impression was that she was pretty. That was it. Nothing else. I kept working hard and for a lot of hours. Then, when I started having lunch together with other coworkers, she caught my attention. I don't know when and how, exactly. SOMETHING has caught my attention, not only the fact that she's gorgeous. All of a sudden, I realized that I had started thinking more and more about her. I know that when things are not going well in your relationship and if you're interested in someone, you might see things in a different way. You over-analize every and each action on the other end, thinking that it may mean that she's interested. To sum it up, at the beginning it was just an exchange of eye contact, now and then. But I FELT something. Then, I started to interact more and more with my coworkers, including her. She'd ask me random questions, when I wasn't even taking part in the conversations. 1 month ago, we got closer. She constantly "picks" on me about different subjects, and so do I. One day, I was feeling down and didn't speak a word at lunch, she randomly brought something up that she knew it would made me talk and smile. Last week, at the caffe, she was biting her nails and someone told her to stop doing that and why she was doing and she answered "I do this when I'm nervous". In that same day we were talking about eye colours, and she said she liked green eyes. After that, she jokingly commented that mine were black (they're green), with a shy smile on her face. I feel that she's kinda nervous around me. And so am I. I can't understand if she's flirting in a subtle way or if it's just her natural personality. I should add that when I started going to the caffe after lunch

with my coworkers, she never went at first. Now, she always comes with us. There were some other moments between us that made me feel confused but I'm trying to keep

this as short as possible.

 

 

Now here are the reasons that lead me to ask you guys for help... She has a boyfriend. I started developing feelings for her, something grew inside me about her. To the point that I can't

stop thinking about her. It lead me to start having problems in focusing at work and in my relationship. My colleagues who are closer to me, know about what's going on. All my friends too. I'm not able to know more about her personal life (specifically if she's on a long and healthy relationship), as she's very reserved. She has no social networks and I only see her at lunch and at the caffe after lunch. She knows I have a girlfriend too. I don't have a way to know if she feels something about me. If she has the same fears to make a move, as I do. I tried to forget her, distancing myself from her. I stopped having lunch with the usual group and passing by her department just to find a way to see her. I'm afraid that I might be seeing things that do not exist, that I'm augmenting, creating an illusion of a chemistry that does not exist. But I can't. I'm even starting to think about quitting my job. I can't help but to relive the vague moments we've had and I won't be able to move on until I know for sure if something's going on...

 

During this week I had a talk with one of my closest colleagues and she's gonna try to help me next week. She's going to have lunch with her and comment something about me. She won't tell that I have feelings for her, instead she will say that she suspects something. I want to know her reaction... But I'm so scared. I'm scared of what she's going to think about me, I'm scared of rejection and I don't know how I'm going to deal with the upcoming weeks if she eventually says she's not interested. I won't be able to look her in the eyes and it's going to be awfully awkward... It's gonna hurt, I know it.

 

Before I finish, I must add that I feel weak and inferior for putting myself in this situation. I feel vulnerable and I regret not having backed up when I should have.

And please don't bash me because of the fact that I'm in a relationship. I already know that my girlfriend does not deserve all of this. I'm perfectly aware of that...

 

Should I go on with this plan or should I back off?

[DreamP]

So you have a crush on somebody. That is fine. All people in long term relationships sometimes get attracted to other people. What you do with that attraction is what defines you as a gentlemen. Do you want to jeopardize your currently relationship just to have a fling and be a cheating a-hole. Keep your actions to fantasizing. Stop talking to colleagues about it. That is very unprofessional. Look but don't touch.

[kamani]

Your feelings are natural and it happens to many people with co-workers.

 

But please don't take things any further and keep things professional. Any attempt to know how she feels may lead to admit your feelings for each other and this is very harmful for your relationship.

 

Please don't make a mess of yourself by getting other co-workers involved in this. This is bad for your reputation as well. I have never heard any body doing it either. I am sorry all what you can do at the moment is to limit contact with her.

[Kamila]

Well, first of all, you are both at work. You should stay as most possible professional. That doesn't mean you can't have a friendly chat once in awhile, but limit them to a minimum. You must set boundaries, for you and for others.

 

Second of all, you both are involved outside of work. You both have partners. Again, you should set boundaries, before you do something that could hurt someone.

 

I know you didn't see those feelings coming. Those feelings came out from nowhere. But if you look more carefully, signs should have made you react. Maybe you didn't want to acknowledge them. In you case, a woman is a potential person for whom you can develop feelings. When you start having coffee with her, innocently at the coffee machine, that is an environment where things could develop. I'm not saying you can't have a laugh or a discussion with any female at the coffee machine, but be on your guard. Feelings creep up the moment you are in a setting with a potential female.

 

Also having lunch with coworkers and her, could make you more vulnerable. What I do in those cases, I limit my lunches with coworkers. Even when coworkeres are complaining of my asocial behavior, I try to shrug it off. It's being selfish and taking care of yourself. You are in a relationship and you should do everything to preserve it.

[Noideanow]

i think she is having feelings for you, but maybe she is scared to admit it because she has a boyfriend and is confused as you are:confused:

the best you can do is clean up your own apartment and as a free man tell her you care about her but only wants her when she is free too, in case she isnt interested you will be a free man when the right girl comes along, but i think she is liking you:cool: