Critique of my appearance at work

[Hopeful714]

I work in a male dominated workplace with both blue collar and white collar employees.

 

In the past month, I have been told the comments listed below from 3 different men. What the heck is this about, why is it happening, and what can I do about it?

 

1. You look tired

2. Are you ok you look upset

3.Your face looks brighter today

4. Your face looks better today then it did yesterday.

5. Good morning semi young lady

 

This is really getting on my nerves and eroding my self esteem. If I say something snide like ...you look fatter, or balder today, I don't think it will go over well. What to do to nip this in a bud with out making a big deal...that would of course be twisted as I'm overly sensitive.

[BlueIris]

I work in a male dominated workplace with both blue collar and white collar employees.

 

In the past month, I have been told the comments listed below from 3 different men. What the heck is this about, why is it happening, and what can I do about it?

 

1. You look tired

2. Are you ok you look upset

3.Your face looks brighter today

4. Your face looks better today then it did yesterday.

5. Good morning semi young lady

 

This is really getting on my nerves and eroding my self esteem. If I say something snide like ...you look fatter, or balder today, I don't think it will go over well. What to do to nip this in a bud with out making a big deal...that would of course be twisted as I'm overly sensitive.

 

Just be light and conversational, not defensive or concerned about how you look. As long as you're well groomed and dressed appropriately for the setting, you're fine. They're just overstepping.

For the first four, maybe try, “You too. Funny, isn’t it?”

For the last one, how about smile or laugh and then ask, “How old are you?”

 

Just be light. Maintain control of your side of the exchange.

Edited May 21, 2016 by BlueIris

[major_merrick]

I feel your pain!!! I work in a male-dominated technical field. Plus, I'm a lesbian and everyone knows it. Double whammy. I get all sorts of comments, jokes, and off color remarks. I suppose I could cry "sexism" and try to get someone fired, but I prefer to handle it a different way.

 

I hate to say it, but you need to develop a thick skin. The "fatter" and "balder" comments may be just the ticket. Develop a snide, sarcastic exterior. Have a witty riposte for EVERYTHING. Men actually seem to expect this.

 

Psych lesson - ever noticed how men can have a fistfight and might actually end up becoming friends or at least developing a mutual respect afterwards? We women just aren't wired like that. If we have a fight, we hate the other person with a fiery loathing that lasts FOREVER. Not so with men. Men tend to bond through conflict and competition.

 

Plan your responses ahead of time. Be quick, be acerbic, and be funny. Don't be offensive, though, and don't invite sexual advances. If done right, this technique will really improve your relationships, although you will find it unnatural and uncomfortable for a while.

 

Good Luck!

[LivingWaterPlease]

What I'd do is to find ways to turn it into a joke or make an upbeat comment about it.

[MidwestUSA]

I work in a male dominated workplace with both blue collar and white collar employees.

 

In the past month, I have been told the comments listed below from 3 different men. What the heck is this about, why is it happening, and what can I do about it?

 

1. You look tired

2. Are you ok you look upset

3.Your face looks brighter today

4. Your face looks better today then it did yesterday.

5. Good morning semi young lady

 

 

depends on how ballsy you are, but

 

1) Thirteen orgasms does that to me.

2) I was hoping for fourteen.

3) I just saved a ton of money with Geico!

4) Loreal B&B cream! Here's a coupon, you're welcome.

5) Same to you! Is that Super Poligrip working better than that crap you were using?

[mrs rubble]

2. I don't find the slightest bit offensive, rather it sounds like someone really cares about your welfare. Were you upset? or maybe you were concentrating on something and looked upset either way I think the person doing the asking is a genuinly caring person and you shouldn't alienate them by questioning their concern for you...one day you might benefit from their support.

[AMJ]

How sad is it that I've just gotten used to these types of comments?

I agree with MM, I typically toss back a snarky response or two and the guy learns to just leave me alone. Whenever someone says "You look tired" I just laugh and say, "Soooo basically you're telling me I look like crap today. Thanks!"

 

If this is really bothering you, you can take it up with HR, though that usually is just more trouble than it's worth. A thicker skin is my best advice. At least the comments aren't sexually degrading, because I've dealt with those and that's much more uncomfortable.

[Tayla]

My boss was very good at reading people. we each have our "tells" in our body language or demeanor. If someone approached my desk with such remarks or commentary, I would probably think they were concerned .

 

Many a day I probably did look a bit solemn or tired....

 

Unless you are constantly checking yourself out in the mirror, others are more apt to notice and perhaps in a gentle way inquire.

 

Its neither a male or female comment- its a human awareness.

[d0nnivain]

You can't do anything about it. The semi-young lady comment was borderline inappropriate but all in all those comments were people seeking human interaction with you. Some expressed concern. None were outright offensive or illegal. Let them slide right off you.

[stillafool]

I

 

1. You look tired

2. Are you ok you look upset

3.Your face looks brighter today

4. Your face looks better today then it did yesterday.

5. Good morning semi young lady

 

.

 

The next time they comment say "lucky for me I wasn't hired for my looks so please don't comment on them, thanks." Then walk away.

[GunslingerRoland]

I know I've pointed out when a friend looked overly tired, I don't think that's an insult as much as an observation, but some of those other ones are crossing the line for sure.

[sandylee1]

The first 3 comments are okay. Maybe you appear tired and don't realise it. Are you worried or stressed about anything?

 

I have to say if you presented that info to me as a complaint at work, I'd tell you there are no grounds for a grievance.

 

The 3rd comment is uncalled for and I'd find it rude... unless said in a joking tone.

 

The last comment is borderline inappropriate. However, if he just said :hello young lady" ... it's not something that would stick as a grievance where I work.

 

I'd just reply :

Hi semi young/old man... and smile.

 

A lot depends on the tone used as well.

 

How would you feel if female coworkers said the first 4 comments?

[preraph]

To me, the comments mostly make it seem like you look unhappy at work. All you have to do to fix that is plaster on a fake smile. I have RBF, so I had to learn to do that not to get a bad rap for being moody. Also, be heard laughing heartily at work sometimes, even on the phone or whatever. Where I work now I used to do phone work that really worked most people's nerves. It never bothered me though. As long as I have a legit reason to call someone, I'm fine, though I'd never do phone sales. So I was not unhappy like most of the other phone people always seem to be, and I am easily amused and might start laughing to myself about something while I'm on hold or talking to the person. Me and my boss, back then, never interacted much. He was kind of intimidating, and I think we just both played it safe and kept our distance, but I overheard him telling someone one one day, "She's always happy, anyway. I hear her laughing."

 

That part is easy to fix. And if you think it truly has anything to do with the way you're dressed, that is fixable too. Sounds to me they think you're unhappy and you should pretend to be smiley because it puts people at ease.

[Miss Peach]

I work in a male-dominated industry too and in my field I could get away with snark back but I notice men seem to tone it down when I'm around even though I don't really find it offensive. Outside of tech I'm not sure if that would fly though.

 

Do you think it could be something like this? This is from a blog written by a man detailing the types of things he would tell a sister or daughter.

 

The Rules Revisited: Interpreting Male Compliments

[Hopeful714]

To be honest, I think it's because I am getting older and aging. I'm 50. It's just the way I look. So, granted some days I may be short on sleep and or have a headache. I may even be getting resting bitc# face, or I may be concentrating on something that makes my forehead furrow. Accept it.

 

I just don't like how these guys feel free to comment on how I look that day. I would never make those comments to anyone. Do I look THAT BAD that people feel the need to say something?

 

I mentioned this to two of my female coworkers and they were shocked and appalled. Nobody says these things to them ever. I'm wondering if it is because they are married and Im not? Sometimes I wonder if they are backhanded insults. I'm going to say #5 was because I know the guy is a pric# anyhow and treats others just as badly.

 

I'm feeling I have no other choice then to be snide in my replies. Making a deal out of this is out of the question (as nothing would be done anyhow, and I'd be the laugh of the office) but I want this to stop.

[GemmaUK]

Instead of making snide remarks back to people why don't you take a look at your resting face in a mirror and see how you can practice a happier resting face?

Or try some facial exercises?

 

As you get older it's a bit like posture - it just needs a bit of a fix.

 

I doubt that you would go to a job interview slouching, now is the time to learn how not to slouch your face.

[UpwardForward]

To be honest, I think it's because I am getting older and aging. I'm 50. It's just the way I look. So, granted some days I may be short on sleep and or have a headache. I may even be getting resting bitc# face, or I may be concentrating on something that makes my forehead furrow. Accept it.

 

I just don't like how these guys feel free to comment on how I look that day. I would never make those comments to anyone. Do I look THAT BAD that people feel the need to say something?

 

I mentioned this to two of my female coworkers and they were shocked and appalled. Nobody says these things to them ever. I'm wondering if it is because they are married and Im not? Sometimes I wonder if they are backhanded insults. I'm going to say #5 was because I know the guy is a pric# anyhow and treats others just as badly.

 

I'm feeling I have no other choice then to be snide in my replies. Making a deal out of this is out of the question (as nothing would be done anyhow, and I'd be the laugh of the office) but I want this to stop.

 

 

You could say to yourself: Why is this imperfect co-worker examining me on a personal level?

 

 

One could say, it happens in the mind. When an associate tries to make conversation by examining you, immediately transfer your thoughts back to your job, your mission. Ignoring them until the time that you may see some humor in their remarks.

 

 

Your lack of expression, ignoring, treating them lightly, shaking your head, - may eventually discourage them.

 

 

They don't seem to be insulting you - but just being too personal.

[Art_Critic]

If I say something snide like ...you look fatter, or balder today, I don't think it will go over well.

 

Of course it wouldn't and it doesn't seem they have said that to you either.

If they had said you were Fat and Ugly they would be wayyy out of line.

 

If someone says you look tired, well.. maybe you do...

or if someone says you look angry or better than yesterday then maybe you do.

 

The comments don't seem out of line.. well.. the semi young one without context was rude..

 

Why is it that you seem to think these comments are because you are female ? I have told men at work here they look tired or look like they are having a bad day..

[UpwardForward]

Of course it wouldn't and it doesn't seem they have said that to you either.

If they had said you were Fat and Ugly they would be wayyy out of line.

 

If someone says you look tired, well.. maybe you do...

or if someone says you look angry or better than yesterday then maybe you do.

 

The comments don't seem out of line.. well.. the semi young one without context was rude..

 

Why is it that you seem to think these comments are because you are female ? I have told men at work here they look tired or look like they are having a bad day..

 

 

 

Perhaps some people like to talk about what is going on inside them. Others consider it private.

 

 

I would think kind or uplifting - gestures/remarks could be more appropriate - unless one is close to the person.

Edited May 31, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Art_Critic]

Perhaps some people like to talk about what is going on inside them. Others consider it private.

 

Understood, some people are private and quiet.. I wouldn't tell someone I didn't know very well any comment of their looks however..

 

The OP seems to have mentioned the part I commented on because she felt they did it because she was female and they were males.

[jakrbbt]

OP, the irony is that these commenters are in some way seeking your approval and affection-- even if not altogether consciously. Now they are going about that waaaaaaaay wrong, and you don't owe them affection or approval anyway. But you'd be wise to recognize that that's what they probably want in significant part (EVEN IF they don't like you).

 

It is indeed very, very annoying behavior. You have a duty to yourself to take great care not to internalize it. But it's so hard to really let the idea sink in that this is not about you, it's not necessarily something that would happen in a different workplace. Whatever it takes to get that concept under your skin, do it. Daily counseling if necessary. Strong community of friends outside work who actually behave decently toward you and toward each other.

 

At work, it might benefit you to talk and talk about the commenters, to the commenters. Lots of questions or comments about their actual work. Some questions about their pets or their vacations. Nothing too personal. Taking an interest. That gives them a bit of what their little hearts so clumsily, clumsily seek and also they won't resist filling the time with talk about themselves instead of about how your face looks... Give me a break.... So sorry you have to deal with this. Go get 'em.