MightyPen Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 I'm not sure how to handle this. We have a mother/daughter combo at work. The mother is suggesting that her daughter and I should run together during lunches (just the two of us) since we are basically the only two people in the office with even a passing interest in staying healthy. Pretty much everyone else smokes, is overweight, has serious health problems or some combination of the three. I reeeeally want a work running partner, and she's the only realistic option, but you know how things are with men and women and perceptions and everything. Does this seem like a situation to be avoided? If so, how in the world do I phrase my objection? I mean, if the daughter says, "Hey's let's go for a run!" then how do I say no? Anything I can think of seems antisocial or silly and runs the risk of insulting not one, but two co-workers. Full disclosure: I've recently ended an online EA and I'm trying to make good decisions so I'm ultra mindful of these types of situations. Link to post Share on other sites
shoplocal Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Just to clarify--are you a married man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Yes I am. Obviously both the mother and daughter know this. The daughter and I have never flirted. We're friendly but it's always appropriate. She is cute though..again in the spirit of full disclose. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Get a dog. They make awesome running partners. It's really not that hard to say no to a running partner. "I'd prefer to run alone," is enough. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Given your recent history, I would be hesitant. I mean, can you just tell them, hey I don't think it'd be a good idea, but thanks for thinking of me. You don't need to get into specifics. But you also don't want to get into a spot where you'll be tempted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Given your recent history, I would be hesitant. I mean, can you just tell them, hey I don't think it'd be a good idea, but thanks for thinking of me. You don't need to get into specifics. But you also don't want to get into a spot where you'll be tempted. It still just seems standoffish and weird given we are a small and tight knit office. I can't get around it. To me, the best solution is to find a third...problem solved...but they are all such schlubs!! Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 It still just seems standoffish and weird given we are a small and tight knit office. I can't get around it. To me, the best solution is to find a third...problem solved...but they are all such schlubs!! Can you just be friends with a member of the opposite sex you're attracted to? (Be Honest.) Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 It still just seems standoffish and weird given we are a small and tight knit office. I can't get around it. To me, the best solution is to find a third...problem solved...but they are all such schlubs!! If this feels weird and standoffish, you likely have not had good boundaries at work. It should not be difficult to politely decline a running partner at work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 Can you just be friends with a member of the opposite sex you're attracted to? (Be Honest.) No. But I just want a running partner, not a friend. Someone who will make me go on a run even when I'm feeling lazy. Hell we'd probably both have our buds in most of the time so probably not a ton of conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 21, 2016 Author Share Posted February 21, 2016 If this feels weird and standoffish, you likely have not had good boundaries at work. It should not be difficult to politely decline a running partner at work. One of them comes in and shoots me with a nerf gun from time to time. It's quite casual. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 IMO, as an interim measure, focus on shared interests where social interaction with your spouse is part of the milieu. As example, with the office, your spouse accompanies you to office social gatherings, meets your coworkers, gets to know them over time an interaction and observes your mutually shared interests. To give an example from long ago, my dad would take us (mom and I) out weekly to the bowling alley where he bowled league on a team from his office (state employees) and we socialized with his male and female friends from work. Some of them would socialize away from work as well, where we had them over for dinner or they us. Stuff like that. Neither my mom nor I bowled but were included and enjoyed the social aspects, mom with the female coworkers and spouses of the men and me with the other kids who were there. It was a 'thing' that went on for years. Sure, perhaps outdated now as an activity but the basics are sound. You and your spouse are a team; partners. That's the social image you present, transparently. I did a lot of the same while married and, yeah, customers and vendors were well populated with cute young ladies. That's normal. Life is like that. You can make choices which respect the team and your own interests. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 One of them comes in and shoots me with a nerf gun from time to time. It's quite casual. So that means it is standoffish to politely decline a running partner? You aren't this weak. You can say no. You are looking for reasons to say yes, despite your better judgment. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 No. But I just want a running partner, not a friend. Someone who will make me go on a run even when I'm feeling lazy. Hell we'd probably both have our buds in most of the time so probably not a ton of conversation. IMO this will lead to nothing good. it's one thing having an EA on the internet but now you're messing with your workplace. Think before you act. Link to post Share on other sites
Survivor12 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 Sorry, but I can't get past a woman being interested in going back to work after spending her lunch hour running. No shower??? This just screams excuse to me--and a poor one at that. And why would an adult woman not ask you herself? Shady. Politely decline. If asked why, tell the truth...you're married & don't think that it would be appropriate. Or better yet, ask your wife for advice about what to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 21, 2016 Share Posted February 21, 2016 And why would an adult woman not ask you herself? Shady. That is a bit strange. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Sorry, but I can't get past a woman being interested in going back to work after spending her lunch hour running. No shower??? This just screams excuse to me--and a poor one at that. And why would an adult woman not ask you herself? Shady. Politely decline. If asked why, tell the truth...you're married & don't think that it would be appropriate. Or better yet, ask your wife for advice about what to do. We're actually having a shower and new bathroom put in our office but it will be a month or so before it's fully functional. So that will help encourage sweaty lunchtime runs. I guess I'd say her mother babies her/looks out for her quite a bit. It's a "single mother with only one child, usually a daughter" dynamic I've seen before. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 It reminds me of a newly sober alcoholic going to bars, pretending that he won’t be tempted. If you’re dedicated to running, run. You could run at other times, before work or after. You could run with your wife. You could run on your own, perhaps join a 5K or triathlon training club and run with guys. You and your wife could join a club near your house and workout together to mend the tears from your EA and build the emotional connection that you seem to be craving with her. Just some ideas. Be strong, MightyPen! Back away from one-on-one time with other women for a good long while. You do sound an awful lot like an alcoholic trying to find reasons to hang out in the bar. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 Yes, she's a woman who lacks boundaries with her daughter, and everyone else, it seems. I agree with the poster who said it sounds like you're looking for reasons to do it. Does your wife know about your EA? I think either way you should ask her, and not us, if it's a good idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 It reminds me of a newly sober alcoholic going to bars, pretending that he won’t be tempted. If you’re dedicated to running, run. You could run at other times, before work or after. You could run with your wife. You could run on your own, perhaps join a 5K or triathlon training club and run with guys. You and your wife could join a club near your house and workout together to mend the tears from your EA and build the emotional connection that you seem to be craving with her. Just some ideas. Be strong, MightyPen! Back away from one-on-one time with other women for a good long while. You do sound an awful lot like an alcoholic trying to find reasons to hang out in the bar. Well if I really wanted to "go to a bar" I would have just explored running with her and not hesitated and asked you folks instead. I am hoping it will just "go away" meaning that the daughter never follows up and I just start my own routine of running whenever I want. I do like the freedom to look at the time and say, "Hey it's 2:00, I want to take a run." I'll be strong! I've made good decisions for the past two weeks but I know I have a lifetime of good decisions to keep on making. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 Yes, she's a woman who lacks boundaries with her daughter, and everyone else, it seems. I agree with the poster who said it sounds like you're looking for reasons to do it. Does your wife know about your EA? I think either way you should ask her, and not us, if it's a good idea. No she doesn't know and there's no way I'd ever tell her. That chapter has to stay closed. She'd probably be okay with me running with the young lady, as I'd be fine with her running or walking with the guys from her work. However, I need to be stricter with myself than my wife would expect, considering my actions of the last year. So just because she says something's okay with her, it doesn't necessarily mean it would be a good idea for me. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 There is no reason for you to say yes, except that it will help motivate you. The reasons to say no, however, abound. And you know it. There is also the possibility that this daughter may have interest in you, and the mother knows it. The fact that you asked shows me and probably others that you really don't think it is a good idea, but you are hoping that enough people here will say that it is. If I were you, then I would go for it...IF you have some inkling inside that you want to start an affair or at the least have a female friend who makes you feel good as a man. If I were you, then I would NOT go for it...IF you wanted to refocus on your marriage and get more "in love" with your wife. The running partner will end up being a friend and confidant who you will feel safe with and start telling her your problems. The next thing you know, it will be a rainy day and since you have been spending your lunch hours together, you will find it quite natural to have a quick bite instead of a quick run....and then from there, we all knows what can happen. Honestly, it sounds fun but dangerous. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer3 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 The running partner will end up being a friend and confidant who you will feel safe with and start telling her your problems. The next thing you know, it will be a rainy day and since you have been spending your lunch hours together, you will find it quite natural to have a quick bite instead of a quick run....and then from there, we all knows what can happen. Honestly, it sounds fun but dangerous. Yep. This is what will happen and the OP knows it. Right now the OP has to put his focus on his marriage and stop finding excuses to hang out with other attractive women. Or, divorce and hang out with lots of attractive women. You can't have the nice safe marriage and the exciting passionate fun thing on the side. It never works and you'll probably wind up hating yourself for what you're doing. It's going to be hard to say "no" to something you crave but that is what you must do if you want to have a good, honest life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 This almost sounds like an unusual form of calling your shot, like a month from now we'll have a running thread going about your EA w/your jogging partner. If this sort of thing is really a risk issue for you MP, I think you need to address the heart of the problem and not just clip the bleeders when they pop up. That probably means some kind of therapy, as I doubt anyone here or in any non-professional circles can effectively address this sort of compulsion issue. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted February 22, 2016 Share Posted February 22, 2016 I followed your threads. . The fact that you are even considering this is a pretty big problem given your history and what you are supposed to be focussed on right now. You don't need to be doing ANY one on one activities with any woman who is not your wife and I think it's 100% your own responsibility to be aware of this and keep this boundary, if you are not just goofing around about strengthening your bond and your marriage with your wife. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MightyPen Posted February 22, 2016 Author Share Posted February 22, 2016 I appreciate everyone's feedback. Sometimes it helps to hear a chorus of "Nooooo that's a bad idea!" Maybe I'll recruit our 300 lb mail sorter/coffee fetcher (a guy) to run with me instead. I don't find him attractive whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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