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roommate has her boyfriend over too often


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I live in my mom's second house that she rents out to tenants. When I moved back into this house, it was under the assumption that I would put a listing on craigslist and find a roommate because there is no way I can afford to pay the full rent for this 3 bedroom/ 2 bathroom house by myself. And my mom needs the rent money because she has a mortgage to pay.

 

 

I furnished the whole house with my very own things. All the furniture in the house is mine. All the dishes and pots and pans, the washer and dryer is mine, the tv, pictures on the walls, the grill in the backyard.. everything. And I share it all with my roommate.

 

 

She pays $600 a month to rent a furnished bedroom, a bathroom that she never had to share, use of all the common areas of the house, wifi and electric included. And she has 1 medium sized dog and I have 2 cats.

 

 

For as much as she gets, I think $600 is a really good deal. I mean, we have lawn service that comes and cuts the grass once a week too.

 

 

Between my rent and Nancy's rent, my mom is still short $400 a month for what she should be getting to rent out this house. For the amount that she really needs to cover the monthly mortgage. But my mom allows me to not look for a 3rd roommate because she wants me to be happy and comfortable and it is easier with 2 people sharing a house then 3 people.

 

 

However, when Nancy moved in 6 months ago, she said she hardly ever has company. That changed when she met David, her boyfriend. Gradually it became more and more often. And I just hate how often he is here. Like every time I come home, his car is in front of the house. He sleeps over, takes showers in the morning, uses my pans to make breakfast. He is a very nice and respectful guy. I don't have anything against him personally. Except he is not my boyfriend. And I don't want him in my house all the time. I agreed to share my house with Nancy, not Nancy plus 1.

 

 

I feel like we should be getting more for rent concidering how often he is here. But I don't want to suggest that as an option because I really don't want him to be a roommate. Even if we could use the extra money, I don't want to rent to a couple. And I don't think they are exactly ready to be officially "living together" anyway. Like its one thing for them to always be together but it is another thing for them to be ready to sign a lease together.

 

 

I am in between a rock and a hard place. I don't want David to be an official roommate who has a lease even tho it would really help out to have extra rent money. But I feel like Nancy should be paying more then $600 considering how often she has him sleep over.

 

 

At the same time, I really need Nancy to resign her lease for another 6 months because we NEED her rent money. I don't want her to move out or refuse to resign her lease and have to spend months looking for a suitable roommate again.

 

 

So that leave me feeling like I just have to accept the fact that David is spending the night too often and Nancy is getting a lot more then she is paying for. But it is better then having David have his own lease and having to live with a couple and feeling like they took over 2/3rds of my house. And it is better then Nancy moving out and then not getting her portion of rent at all.

 

 

Opinions and advice is welcome, please.

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Get a new roommate who is 80 yo.

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I do not want to live with an elderly person. I want to live with someone between the ages of 25-34. I am 26 so I don't want a roommate who is too young and is going to have parties and friends over constantly, who doesn't know how to be responsible living on their own, might not be financially reliable, and who I cannot trust to not break my dishes, use the dishwasher improperly, abuse the air conditioning and run up the electricity unnecessarily.

 

 

I also don't want a roommate who is too much older, who thinks they are better then me, is too OCD about cleaning, and who might have a problem with the fact that I like to stay up late. I would like to live with someone who is in my general age group and stage in life. Someone past the college years, who have a full time job, transportation, and someone I can trust to use my things correctly and not abuse or break them.

 

 

I don't want to rent to a couple, or a women with a child that would be living here too.

 

 

Is it so much to ask to have a good roommate who is respectful, trustworthy, and in my general stage of life? Not to say I would expect that they do not have a boyfriend. But sometimes they should hang out at his house instead. And if he lives with his mother, that is not my problem. That does not mean that he gets to be at my house all the time and Nancy doesn't have to pay extra for having a constant visitor.

 

 

Is that so much to ask?

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Oh lawd...:rolleyes:

I've done a lot of flat/house sharing ;)

bottom line in my opinion, is most live-in landlords are the same-there's plenty of them who probably can't really afford their mortgage so want to rent a room to someone to make money but in reality, can't stand having another human being around and wish for you to be absent as much as possible whilst paying them the rent.

 

Who is the landlord? You or your mum? I assume because it's not your house you are not really the landlord but look after the place on your mum's behalf, so make most of the rules.

So...Did you have any rules on visitors before she moved in? Did your mum make any rules or she doesn't mind as long as the rent is paid? I used to read plenty of adverts where people would state their terms for potential tenants who wanted to have visitors (e.g. if your visitor stays more than X amount of days they need to pay £X towards bills etc.) Maybe if you renew her lease you can suggest this type of setup? It doesn't have to be an excessive amount you are asking for, just something appropriate. Might be difficult being as you allowed it for so long without asking for more but worth stating your terms upfront instead of grumbling later.

 

Besides that, I am not sure where you live. Is it s a city? Do you have a lot of commuters? Why not rent the place out as a monday-friday let next time to attract these high flying city types who only need a bed during the week and will go to their hometown at weekends? There is plenty of that nonsense here in London. Chances are you could charge more in rent but get to see less of the person because they're working hard...which is secretly what all landlords want :laugh:

 

Other than that? Get a job that pays well enough to cover the whole house yourself. Hard I know but at least you won't have to share :p

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I think this is a really common problem for those who let out a room in their own house (or in their mother's house as the case may be). You have a sense of ownership and see your flatmate as having to go along with your rules. It's different when you're all paying rent to someone else and you each have an equal say.

 

The thing to remember is that you're never going to have the perfect flat mate. In this case, you've got a nice flatmate who brings her boyfriend too often. But a different flatmate may not have her boyfriend around but will leave her plates unwashed. Or leaves their wet clothes in the washing machine. Or eats your food. Or never cleans. Or gets drunk and pukes on the carpet.

 

Think about whether in the grand scheme of things this is worth losing an otherwise good flatmate over. If the boyfriend really drives you nuts, then get rid of her. But keep your expectations about the next flatmate realistic. Flatmates are like boyfriends - the grass is very often greener on the other side.

 

Anyway, if you decide to keep her, then just increase her rent for the amount he stays over. You don't have to put him on the lease. Of course, she may reject the idea and move out - leaving you to find a new flatmate anyway, but this is her prerogative.

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Few times a week is fine but when it starts to be every day then it's a problem. Also if he's eating our food (unless she's paying for it) and taking showers and stuff. I understand being a roommate having the leeway but at the end of the day it is a business. If she don't like it she can go somewhere that does.

 

Now him coming over just to hang out for a limited time is cool, but it ends at staying a night. If it hinders the living economics then I'd have to interfere with it.

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If he sleeps in her bedroom and uses her bathroom, then I think you are overreacting.

 

Rent rates are usually based on the facilities, and not the number of people who live there. If a single person renting an apartment were to get married or have a baby, the rent wouldn't be increased in most cases. Since it is regular occurrence, I think it would be reasonable to ask him to contribute to the cost of utilities (if he's taking showers, using the internet or cable, charging his devices).

 

You said this:

Is it so much to ask to have a good roommate who is respectful, trustworthy, and in my general stage of life?

 

But then you also said this:

 

He is a very nice and respectful guy.

 

I think if you push this issue, it's going to make you look controlling and she may choose to live somewhere else. So if you really need her rent $$, I'd just let it go. It's not unreasonable for a young woman to have her boyfriend spending nights, IMO. As long as her guests are clean, respectful and only use the areas of the home that your roommate agreed to pay for, then I think you should just try to tolerate him.

 

This is one of those things that seems like a big deal to you now, but think about it... If she moves out and you are stuck with no rental income, that will create a hardship for you & your mom. Or your next roommate could be dirty, rude or addicted. Keep things in perspective- months from now you could be saying "What was I thinking, they weren't that bad!"

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If he sleeps in her bedroom and uses her bathroom, then I think you are overreacting.

 

Rent rates are usually based on the facilities, and not the number of people who live there. If a single person renting an apartment were to get married or have a baby, the rent wouldn't be increased in most cases. Since it is regular occurrence, I think it would be reasonable to ask him to contribute to the cost of utilities (if he's taking showers, using the internet or cable, charging his devices).

 

You said this:

 

 

But then you also said this:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is based on the # of people living here because the more people occupying a home, the more ware and tare on everything. Also, had we agreed to renting to a couple, the rent would have been more.

 

 

And while I did say I would like a responsible, trustworthy ROOMMATE. But he is NOT my roommate. So even if he is nice and respectful, I don't want to see him every single time I come home. Sometimes I just want to get home from work at 9pm and not have company here. Plus, I did not agree to having a male roommate. The listing on craigslist specifically said FEMALE roommate only. I rented to 1 female and instead got 1 female and 1 male roommate, for the same price as 1 tenant.

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Unless they break up, there is no way around it: you are going to have to talk to her about how often he is staying over and try to set new guidelines (and risk souring her on the set-up), or just suck it up and deal.

 

Given that you do not want to hunt for a new roommate, your options are limited.

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I live in my mom's second house that she rents out to tenants. When I moved back into this house, it was under the assumption that I would put a listing on craigslist and find a roommate because there is no way I can afford to pay the full rent for this 3 bedroom/ 2 bathroom house by myself. And my mom needs the rent money because she has a mortgage to pay.

 

 

I furnished the whole house with my very own things. All the furniture in the house is mine. All the dishes and pots and pans, the washer and dryer is mine, the tv, pictures on the walls, the grill in the backyard.. everything. And I share it all with my roommate.

 

 

She pays $600 a month to rent a furnished bedroom, a bathroom that she never had to share, use of all the common areas of the house, wifi and electric included. And she has 1 medium sized dog and I have 2 cats.

 

 

For as much as she gets, I think $600 is a really good deal. I mean, we have lawn service that comes and cuts the grass once a week too.

 

 

Between my rent and Nancy's rent, my mom is still short $400 a month for what she should be getting to rent out this house. For the amount that she really needs to cover the monthly mortgage. But my mom allows me to not look for a 3rd roommate because she wants me to be happy and comfortable and it is easier with 2 people sharing a house then 3 people.

 

 

However, when Nancy moved in 6 months ago, she said she hardly ever has company. That changed when she met David, her boyfriend. Gradually it became more and more often. And I just hate how often he is here. Like every time I come home, his car is in front of the house. He sleeps over, takes showers in the morning, uses my pans to make breakfast. He is a very nice and respectful guy. I don't have anything against him personally. Except he is not my boyfriend. And I don't want him in my house all the time. I agreed to share my house with Nancy, not Nancy plus 1.

 

 

I feel like we should be getting more for rent concidering how often he is here. But I don't want to suggest that as an option because I really don't want him to be a roommate. Even if we could use the extra money, I don't want to rent to a couple. And I don't think they are exactly ready to be officially "living together" anyway. Like its one thing for them to always be together but it is another thing for them to be ready to sign a lease together.

 

 

I am in between a rock and a hard place. I don't want David to be an official roommate who has a lease even tho it would really help out to have extra rent money. But I feel like Nancy should be paying more then $600 considering how often she has him sleep over.

 

 

At the same time, I really need Nancy to resign her lease for another 6 months because we NEED her rent money. I don't want her to move out or refuse to resign her lease and have to spend months looking for a suitable roommate again.

 

 

So that leave me feeling like I just have to accept the fact that David is spending the night too often and Nancy is getting a lot more then she is paying for. But it is better then having David have his own lease and having to live with a couple and feeling like they took over 2/3rds of my house. And it is better then Nancy moving out and then not getting her portion of rent at all.

 

 

Opinions and advice is welcome, please.

 

 

I've had roommates all my adult life so far and stuff like this usually comes up and is something you address either before living together or re-address once you live together. Of course, if you're single when you move in and say you don't have company it's one thing but then if you move in and meet someone it may all go out the window, so it's time to have a talk with her.

 

 

There is no other way but to sit her down and discuss how you feel about this and try to come to some solution. There is nothing worse than being silently uncomfortable in your own home. For me, I also don't like to move into a place that someone else lives in, as sometimes I feel like the power is imbalanced where even though I pay it feels like "their" place or where they are the one in charge of the paying and it's not on neutral terms where we both pay someone else. I had a situation like that about 3 years ago where my roommate rented from the landlady, but then got me to come on and move in, but she'd already been living there and decorated and everything and was the one I'd pay who then paid the land lady and I NEVER EVER felt like it was truly my apartment too. I felt like she had the most say and that it was really "hers" but I just lived there. I'd never do that again personally.

 

In any event, sit her down and ask her if there is a way that she can divide time between your home and her bf's home more evenly so that he's not there ALL the time. I had to do that with my roommate last year. She had her bf pretty much here every single day, night and day and he didn't leave. I was like WTF...sorry...we had a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment and I didn't sign up for that at all. Having your bf over is fine, even if he came by everyday but went home, but to have him there day and night, no. I'm an introvert at home and I can't deal with extra people in my space all the time. Even roommates who are supposed to be there can be too much sometimes much less extra people. We discussed it, I told her the truth gently and we agreed that she wouldn't have him sleep over more than say two consecutive nights and would try to limit him being there all the time to him coming over every other day or so, or just breaking it up and going to his place sometimes as well instead of him ALWAYS coming here. I was MUCH happier!

 

Tell her. It's inconsiderate on her part but she may also genuinely think all is well if you don't speak up.

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I've had roommates all my adult life so far and stuff like this usually comes up and is something you address either before living together or re-address once you live together. Of course, if you're single when you move in and say you don't have company it's one thing but then if you move in and meet someone it may all go out the window, so it's time to have a talk with her.

 

 

There is no other way but to sit her down and discuss how you feel about this and try to come to some solution. There is nothing worse than being silently uncomfortable in your own home. For me, I also don't like to move into a place that someone else lives in, as sometimes I feel like the power is imbalanced where even though I pay it feels like "their" place or where they are the one in charge of the paying and it's not on neutral terms where we both pay someone else. I had a situation like that about 3 years ago where my roommate rented from the landlady, but then got me to come on and move in, but she'd already been living there and decorated and everything and was the one I'd pay who then paid the land lady and I NEVER EVER felt like it was truly my apartment too. I felt like she had the most say and that it was really "hers" but I just lived there. I'd never do that again personally.

 

In any event, sit her down and ask her if there is a way that she can divide time between your home and her bf's home more evenly so that he's not there ALL the time. I had to do that with my roommate last year. She had her bf pretty much here every single day, night and day and he didn't leave. I was like WTF...sorry...we had a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment and I didn't sign up for that at all. Having your bf over is fine, even if he came by everyday but went home, but to have him there day and night, no. I'm an introvert at home and I can't deal with extra people in my space all the time. Even roommates who are supposed to be there can be too much sometimes much less extra people. We discussed it, I told her the truth gently and we agreed that she wouldn't have him sleep over more than say two consecutive nights and would try to limit him being there all the time to him coming over every other day or so, or just breaking it up and going to his place sometimes as well instead of him ALWAYS coming here. I was MUCH happier!

 

Tell her. It's inconsiderate on her part but she may also genuinely think all is well if you don't speak up.

 

 

 

 

Thank you so much for your response because I feel like you do know how I feel. I am an introvert also. I really don't want to live by myself because I do get lonely being by myself ALL the time. I want a roommate. I also need one for the financial aspect. I can handle knowing that Nancy, my roommate, will be home when I get home. I expect to find her here because she lives here. But anyone other then her feels like I have company in my home. I cant just sit on my couch and relax comfortably the way I can when it is just me and my roommate home. I need time to veg out and just do my own quiet thing and not always have her and her boyfriend playing house.

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Thank you so much for your response because I feel like you do know how I feel. I am an introvert also. I really don't want to live by myself because I do get lonely being by myself ALL the time. I want a roommate. I also need one for the financial aspect. I can handle knowing that Nancy, my roommate, will be home when I get home. I expect to find her here because she lives here. But anyone other then her feels like I have company in my home. I cant just sit on my couch and relax comfortably the way I can when it is just me and my roommate home. I need time to veg out and just do my own quiet thing and not always have her and her boyfriend playing house.

 

If you could communicate to your roommate what you communicated here, I think you would be in a good place. This is a good opportunity to practice resolving conflict and coming to a mutually beneficial agreement. Some compromise may be necessary, because if you forbid her boyfriend from coming over at all, that might not work for her and she will find another place.

 

I think it's reasonable to expect that her boyfriend would be there about half the time, as long as he's respectful and doesn't take over the living spaces or the kitchen much.

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I also don't want a roommate who is too much older, who thinks they are better then me, is too OCD about cleaning, and who might have a problem with the fact that I like to stay up late.

 

Why would an older person think he/she is better than you. I don't get that part, seems like an odd thing to say.

 

The way I see it a woman between the ages of 60 to 65-70 would be perfect for you. She won't be bringing friends over, having parties, she'll be careful with things around the house.

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What is the market value of the house? Charge her 1/2 of that amount. You get a break because you are the owner's daughter.

 

 

Set up rules about house guests but if she's renting she gets to have people over. You set it up as a furnished house. So you have to deal with her & her guest. You don't get to charge her more rent because he's there.

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Standard-Fare

So I'm guessing there's some reason why they can't spend more time at his place? Does he live with his parents?

 

Here's a question. If you were in the same situation as your roommate -- steady BF, and for whatever reasons you two couldn't split time between your two places -- would you expect to have the freedom to have him over on a regular basis? Given the sense of ownership you seem to feel over this place (and I understand why), I'm guessing you wouldn't see the need to restrict that for the sake of a roommate.

 

So there's some fundamental power dynamics going on in this living situation that just aren't ideal, based on the fact that your mom owns it and is subsidizing some of the rent, you furnished it, etc. It's not truly a "shared" rental, so you feel this sense of indignation about this BF thing that may go a little beyond the norm.

 

Still, I get where you're coming from. Like others here have suggested, your two choices are: 1) suffer in silence until there's some change in their relationship (breakup, they move in together elsewhere, or he gets a place they spend more time at), or 2) have an honest but polite conversation with Nancy about the way you're feeling and hope that brings some changes.

 

You already know that Option 2 is going to be awkward and will probably cause some tension. So it's up to you whether your discomfort is enough to make you speak up.

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The time to have this conversation was before you agreed for her to move in. So lesson for the future. You always have to talk about setting limitations on both your and her guests and reach an agreement such as "only on weekends" or "no more than twice a week" and have the understanding that no, you don't want him for a roommate.

 

It won't go down well at this late date, but you need to sit her down and admit that you should have talked about this up front, but it is not unreasonable to expect someone to NOT bring in a third person who is there most of the time. So tell her she needs to go to his house some and that you will both limit your outside visitors to twice a week or whatever you're good with and while you're at it, that he doesn't get to eat your food, only her food.

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Did the roommate sign a rental agreement?

 

Because a *lot* of pre-written agreements have stipulations on the number of occupants. Your agreement should clearly specify that the rental unit is the residence of only the tenants who have signed the lease. This guarantees your right to determine who lives in your property -- ideally, people whom you have screened and approved -- and to limit the number of occupants. The value of this clause is that it gives you grounds to evict a tenant who moves in a friend or relative, or sublets the unit, without your permission.

 

I know that my lease stipulates that if I have a guest for more than seven days in any given month, than I am out of compliance...

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