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gettin' fired. self destructive behavior.


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I almost just quit. They want all this proof of why I wasn't at work. TO be honest with you, I wasn't at work last week because I was depressed and I was getting blind drunk and trashed as much as possible for most of the day for the past 8 days or so. I've been sober for the past 2 days. I keep feeling like I'm going to cry, sitting here at work. Stupid me. I can't handle my life. I can't handle work.

 

I always said I never would do it, and my bestfriend is angry with me, but I was thinking of just giving up and becoming a stripper. I was offered a job recently....he said I would do "ok" but probably I should "save up money for a boob job so I could really bank". I suppose it couldn't hurt anything but my self-esteem and my ego, which are at this point non-existant, anyways. I can't even reapply to grad school now. How can I explain why I dropped out? Or why I can't get a recommendation from the last job I had because I just lost my mind and quit?

 

THe last time I had a miscarriage, I quit my job and didn't work for 2 years. I lived off savings, and credit cards, and basically ****ed up my finances in a major way. Now I'm filing for bankruptcy. Whenever I get enough money to do it (it costs about $1000). I had a nervous breakdown, actually, and I was nearly psychotically depressed for 6 months and tried to kill myself. The truth comes out.

 

It's coming again, the constant crying, spending days on end in bed. I'm leaving work 3 hours early to try to get paperwork to prove why I wasn't here last week, but I can't think of what that would be....my ex's wrap sheet? A copy of the restraining order? A letter from my crisis counselor? A letter from the victim advocate? What would justify that I pissed away the last week spending money I don't have on **** I shouldn't be doing? What's the point?

 

I'm sure anyone who's seen me posting since I started coming back here is either shaking their head or laughing hysterically. I can look back on all my posts - and see the slow disintegration of my life. My bestfriend came over yesterday and said it was killing him to see me so self-destructive. It's killing me, too.

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savethedrama4allama

SO having a freaking miscarriage and needing some mental time off isn't enough?

 

I know what you mean though- the guilt/stress of being away from work makes things worse, without them busting your balls.

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:( Chin up, sport. Life is tough, times are hard, but it will get better. We are here for you. Rant, scream, bitch, do whatever you have to do. We'll listen.

 

As for covering your ass at work, get your therapist to write a letter?

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Originally posted by savethedrama4yrmama

SO having a freaking miscarriage and needing some mental time off isn't enough?

 

I know what you mean though- the guilt/stress of being away from work makes things worse, without them busting your balls.

 

I took a week off right after it happened. I don't even know what the big deal is. They didn't pay me for the time off, anyways, I'm getting a paycheck for 300 bucks and hopefully they won't turn off my utilities.

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What do I say to my therapist if she asks if Ihave suicidal ideation? If I tell her the truth she'll committ me for 72 hours.

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savethedrama4allama

My job is the same way. I don't get paid for time off but they're still ****ty when I don't come in, even though all my colleagues get paid time off (I'm a contractor).

 

If I were you, I'd just tell your therapist the situation. I'm sure he/she can figure something out to help?!

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Is there anyone at work you can trust at all? If there is maybe you can just tell them the truth. How can a person not understand why you are so upset and distraught? I don't think I would be able to handle what you are going through either and I would probably be doing the same thing.

 

I would try to go to a therapist and just don't tell them you are feeling suicidal. But if you really are then maybe you should be committed. I know you dont' want to, I've gone through it for 72 hours before also when I had a nervous breakdown right after graduating college and it sucks being in a hospital but then you will at least have an excuse and they can not fire you over it. If they do you can sue them for all they are worth. They can not discriminate against you. (At least I don't think they can, I'm not 100% sure)

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Ah well, I went ahead and did something to make myself feel more effective in my situation. I cleaned out my retirement account, I had saved about 6100....I'll have about 2-3000 left after I declare bankruptcy and pay off bad checks, lawyer's fees, etc.

 

Then I think I'm going to chuck everything and move some random place. With a couple thousand bucks in my pocket. Whatever. I need to do something drastic. I can't be here any more, I've lived in the same town for 20 years and it's sucking my soul out of my eyesockets. There's too many bad memories. I have to do SOMETHING. I confided in a work friend. She said she would have quit a long time ago....I was trying to just make it until October so I could have a year under my belt. But **** it, I'll leave without any references. I'd rather toss fish in Seattle for $7/hr. than take her crazy BS.

 

She keeps saying I need to "keep it together" because my position is is "integral to her functioning". Well, I'm integral to my own functioning.... :rolleyes:

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Where is your mom located? I recall you saying your dad had passed. Come to TN! It's a neat~o place.

 

Why do you have to have worked there for one year before you can use it a a reference?

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My Mom is here, my Dad is actually terminally ill and has about 2-3 years left. I was waiting for him to pass, I wanted to be here with him....but I can't stay here at the expense of my sanity.

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Don't give up that easily. Just don't. HAve the time, the patience to get over this. You'll regret it more than anything else.

 

It's not too late to try to handle your life. The more you let it go free, the less in control you feel. And you need to feel some control over what's happening.

 

I cannot even imagine what is like to misscarriage... I'm terribly sorry for your loss, but you must be strong. Use all the things that you can, your friends, your family, yourself and don't give up right now. Stay... and chose to fight!

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Babe, I've been fighting my whole life. I fought to get over abuse, molestation, 2 rapes, a failed marriage, two miscarriages, an abusive exboyfriend, and the whole time, PTSD and crushing clinical depression. But I still fight. I am a fighter. It ends up pushing men away, or frightening them....I get all desperate when I'm hurting, I'll take anything I can snort or swallow....

 

I get to leave in a half hour to go to my therapist. Finally. Hopefully she will write a letter for me. If not, **** it I can't come in to work tomorrow and my boss can attempt to function without me.

 

I know if I quit now I won't get a good reference. My whole 4 months here has been one drama after the other....

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So keep doin' that. Don't give up. I don't want to hear you saying you got more alcohol into your body! Stay there just a lil' bit more, please do...

 

I think you need stability more than everything else in your life. Sounds crazy to hear it from a stranger. Just a lil' bit more.

 

See what your options are in terms of finacial survival. Talk to someone who's a pro in this. I'm sure there are a few other solutions than eating your retirement money.

 

MAke up a plan, think, try to find a way out. Leaving is the quitting. And you are not a quitter. You've just worked too hard, struggled too much, gone to far to let your disease win. You're sick, that's what you are. And only you can beat it, not some silly doctor or some funny pills. YOU.

 

 

Decide now. This is important. Maybe the most important decision in your life.

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Sweetheart don't become a stripper and if you do not now, you are to emotionally down to get into that lifestyle at this point, Stripping can be good in SOME situations if you are the type of person who can handle it but as of now you are drinking to much and depressed, witch means you can be eaisly Naieve and would be more willing to do bad things or drugs because you are feeling down. Tha's a place that is EXTREAMLY hard to get out of believe me honey... and the "opportunity" will be there for a few more years, you will get hired at a club later if that' something you want to do.

 

You are a very smart girl and if dancing is something you "want' to do hold off for a little while untill you get past this... I would hate to see all your potential, beauty, and witt. go out the window. Honestly I miss it sometimes but I know I can NEVER go back because it's to hard to get out, It's an addiction in itself, an addiction to the easy life.

 

Please let me know if there is anything you need dear :(

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I'm sure anyone who's seen me posting since I started coming back here is either shaking their head or laughing hysterically.

 

 

Please don't think that, I'd hope no ONE would benefit from another person's personal turmoil! :( I'm really sorry you're going through this, I think that you becoming a stripper would hurt you worse in the long run because I have a sneaky feeling that you'd end up feeling like you failed!

 

I also think you should continue and try and be stable but hey if you can't then you can't....I think you should stay where you have emotional support, going to a random place without support could really cause you to sink into a worse position.

 

What would happen if you don't find a place to work, ect? I'm so very sorry that you're going through this, I really really am. I'll be praying for you, praying that things get better, life has to get better but we have to help it along also! :)

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Awe Otter girl,

 

I feel for ya. Do what you need to do for yourself. Make therapist appointments as often as you need to, bouncing it off someone else can really help(take it from someone who has been in therapy since the age of 3). I cannot imagine having to deal with all that you have been through, I cannot even start, but I would say you have a reason to feel the way you do. Suicide is never an option, think of what happens to the people around you. Whether you believe it or not there will always be people who will dearly miss you, and look at like when life kicks you in the ass, you just kick back harder, why let it beat you. Its hard, and life is not designed to be easy. I am not the know all be all of anything but I have been through some pretty wicked situations myself. I have never let it beat me though, there would be no fun in it otherwise. From your previous posts, you seem like an incredibly intelligent person. Sit down and make a list(a short list) of small obtainable goals. Like file for bankrupcy and don't take anything else on until that is taken care of. Or look for a new job, if you are not concerned with the money factor right now then find something you can stand doing while your bankrupcy is going through. I live by my little lists. Because you are feeling so overwhelmed by everything to you all of it seems 20 times worse. I admit it your situation doesn't sound good but it is doable to get out of, just take things one step at a time. Also taking drugs or alchohol will only enhance the feelings that you have, not make them go away. I wish you luck and hope I have helped a little bit. Keep us posted, we will be here :)

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therapy was good. more cathartic than anything. she let me just talk and talk. and boy did it ever pour out, because i have diarrhea of the mouth anyways, and i can talk to a brick wall. at least I'm not all crazed AND closed off. I do have a few things going for me.

 

I went off on a tangent about how it was immensely stupid to be sitting here bitching about my life when there are people suffering more than I could ever even comprehend.

 

But she did say, and a friend of mine actually echoed this sentiment last weekend, which is what kind of stopped me from my binge....what happened to make you hate yourself so much? It made me think about the fact that I have been abusing myself for almost as long as I was abused by my mother. At what point did I take over and start abusing myself in her place?

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what happened to make you hate yourself so much? It made me think about the fact that I have been abusing myself for almost as long as I was abused by my mother. At what point did I take over and start abusing myself in her place?

 

WOW! I mean reading what you wrote, that seems to make so much sense...you deserve so much better, you've done nothing at all to deserve to be abused. Too bad there isn't a button you could push to just "stop" wouldn't that be awesome?!

 

 

I hope that you're feeling better and I honestly Pray that you can stop abusing yourself and begin to love yourself more and more, treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated! :) You can do it girl I know you can! We :love: ya!

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Allow me to cast a vote against leaving town. Your therapist, who knows you, is there. Your folks are there. You've got friends. If you move you've got nobody at all. Trust me on this; that's hard as hell, especially if you don't get a job right away.

 

I think a different job and maybe even a different place to live will help. Even that much change can give a person a whole new perspective.

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"I'm sure anyone who's seen me posting since I started coming back here is either shaking their head or laughing hysterically."

 

Definitely not. I've been in some pretty low places in my life, and have had the person that I've most recently loved and lost flat out laugh at me in my face while I was crying on the floor. Attempted suicide once back in high school and once in my adult life, and have thoughts of doing it all the time. Regularly, when I am driving on the highway, I think to myself that I should just take off my seatbelt, deactivate the airbags, get up to 90 miles an hour, and head straight into a concrete bridge abutment. But I don't do it - I don't know why since I don't really have a purpose here on this planet. I also know what it is like to be caught crying at work - I think it is especially embarrasing for a guy for some reason. You have to make choices though. I'd suggest choosing stability. Don't be a stripper, that is not a good idea for you or your future. What is your degree in? I guess the one thing that I have actually been successful in life in is the financial part, but it doesn't mean anything to me without a wife and kids.

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Well I copied the part of the restraingin order they are allowed to see. The office manager who does comp time is out of the office, so I may still get fired next week when she returns.

 

The thing is, I am a personal assistant, and I should be here every day my boss is here, at least. I'm missing so much work for court dates and therapy appointments that my boss is getting pissy. In some ways she has a right to be upset because it impacts her work (or inability to work, as the case actually is) - I mean, the woman is helpless without me here to tell here every half hour where she's supposed to be, why, with whom, and for how long. Today I endured her temper tantrum because I was reluctant to pull a professor out of his class just to meet with a prospective student who is the son of one of her friends. I think it kind of gyps the students who are paying thousands of dollars to be taught when their professor can just trot off to hang with some new peeps.

 

I got so little sleep last night it's not funny - I'm on a sugar caffiene high but I know by about 3-4pm I will be DYING......

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I know this may not relate but have yuou been screened for PTSD ( post Tramatic Stress disorder) or PPD ( Post PArdum Depression)?

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Yes I've been evaluated for both and diagnosed with both. Although the psychiatrist who saw me briefly said that my PPD could be related to the underlying clinical depression that I apparently suffer (although most times you wouldn't know it)

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