Why does my co-worker/manager call me "bro"? (Note: I'm a woman)

[purpledooze]

I work with this guy who was interested in me in the past, but I politely and honestly rejected him because (1) I don't feel attracted to him, (2) I was dating a few other people and (3) he's one of the managers in our company.

 

Afterwards, I noticed he's started treating me like one of the guys (I work in IT as a developer). He'd call me "bro" on Skype chat groups and never refers to me by name, unless in third person. I personally find this offensive and I somehow feel like my personal space is being violated somewhat. We were never close. I have no problems with close friends and family calling me "bro" but this is just a guy I work with.

 

How should I approach him about this? I'd prefer not to be treated like one of the guys. Though I do have some stereotypically masculine interests: gaming, surfing, soccer and mixed martial arts. I dress feminine and I carry myself that way too.

 

Edits (more details):

1. He doesn't call other females in the office "bro." Probably because the other females in the office are ranked higher than me, or in other departments.
   
2. Our Skype chat groups are for work-related matters.
   
3. He calls a couple of other guys "bro." He personally knows their families, etc., and are friends with them outside of work. We're not. We're just colleagues.
   
4. He once arranged a small party for our department at his apartment. Being the only female in the department and because I had plans with someone I was dating (a surfing tournament), I politely declined. Instead he rescheduled the party to before the tournament, saying I'd have no choice but to go since I wouldn't have any other excuses anymore. When I asked if I can take someone else to the party, they said "only if it was another girl." I respectfully declined, but I didn't give them my exact reason. I just said it was personal and nothing against them.
   

Edited September 21, 2015 by purpledooze

[TaraMaiden2]

Reply with "Yo, bitch, I'm not your 'bro'... mah skirt confirms it....":D

 

Honestly, I think it is disrespectful, but I think from his PoV he's trying to standardise his 'relationship' with you - in other words, you are just one of the team, no more, no less, a person with whom he interacts, and he's trying to 'reduce' his previous intentions with you, to insignificant.

 

D'you get what I mean...?

[purpledooze]

Reply with "Yo, bitch, I'm not your 'bro'... mah skirt confirms it....":D

 

Honestly, I think it is disrespectful, but I think from his PoV he's trying to standardise his 'relationship' with you - in other words, you are just one of the team, no more, no less, a person with whom he interacts, and he's trying to 'reduce' his previous intentions with you, to insignificant.

 

D'you get what I mean...?

 

Yea, I truly get what you mean. It's just that it's even more annoying knowing he's trying his best to mask those intentions. Sooner or later, I'm going to have to confront him about this.

[Survivor12]

The guy had a thing for you, you shot him down & he's trying to deal with the awkwardness. "Bro" is a term of platonic endearment & it's his way (however silly & inappropriate) to be friendly without being sexist or sexual.

 

Give him a break. Look at it this way, it's better than if he were ignoring or treating you poorly.

 

Why are you annoyed that he is trying to "mask those intentions"? Do you want him to show that he is still interested in you? If not, leave it alone. I understand not wanting to be referred to as a guy but since he obviously doesn't think of you as one, it's really not worth bringing it up and making things even more awkward between you.

[Maggie4]

You can just request that he calls you by something else. For example, your name. Don't ask as if you're upset, just ask.

[Diezel]

He's keeping the Friendzone going by calling you "bro".

 

Not sure why it bothers? Office perception?

[TaraMaiden2]

It would be like a female supervisor calling you 'gurl' all the time... At first you might be mildly amused by it, but I think over time, it might begin to grate on your nerves, especially if there had been a previous 'agenda'...

[stillafool]

Yea, I truly get what you mean. It's just that it's even more annoying knowing he's trying his best to mask those intentions. Sooner or later, I'm going to have to confront him about this.

 

Why would you do that? The guy is just trying to treat you like one of the team. If you are the only woman on the team I can see how he accidentally calls you Bro from time to time especially if he addresses the other men that way. I would ask him to call me by my name but there's no reason to bring up his past intentions with you. He's probably already over it.

[Diezel]

It would be like a female supervisor calling you 'gurl' all the time... At first you might be mildly amused by it, but I think over time, it might begin to grate on your nerves, especially if there had been a previous 'agenda'...

 

I'm okay with this.

[TaraMaiden2]

Why would you do that? The guy is just trying to treat you like one of the team.

Having worked in Senior Management, and done my fair training, I would confidently say he's going the wrong way about it...

 

If you are the only woman on the team I can see how he accidentally calls you Bro from time to time especially if he addresses the other men that way.

 

I would seriously question the 'accidentally' factor. Given his previous attentions, I would suggest it is anything BUT accidental....

 

I would ask him to call me by my name but there's no reason to bring up his past intentions with you. He's probably already over it.

If he persists in calling her 'bro', I would think there's still a mild suppressed spark there. He's trying very hard - too hard - too level her as 'one of the boys'. It would be much better if he just called her by her name, and moved on.

[purpledooze]

I agree with Tara.

 

Normally, I don't have problems being called "bro." IF it came from close friends. Heck, I have 5 brothers.

 

But this is my manager and we are not close. I make it a point to set a boundary between my work and personal lives. And there have been instances where I feel singled out. It's not aggravating but the animosity is there. Here's an example:

 

HIM: "What are you working on?"

ME: *typing.. typing* (Skype actually shows you're typing a response)

HIM: "What are you working on?"

ME: *still typing a summary/report*

HIM: "What are you working on?"

ME: *finally sends him a detailed message*

 

--

 

ME: I'm having problems with Git. Won't let me commit my code. What should i do?

HIM: Have you done this..this..this..

ME: I've done all troubleshooting, yes. Updated the dbase with the scripts you gave me. What else can I do?

HIM: Then it shouldn't give you that error.

 

Then stops responding to messages the rest of the day.

 

--

 

I go AFK for lunch. Set my Skype status to "AWAY for lunch, be back in an hour." He sends me a message assigning me a task and when I don't reply within 10 minutes, he immediately escalates this to senior management.

 

When I ask him about this, why he escalated before talking to me, he said, "Don't you lecture me."

 

I responded with, "That's not my intention. I only hope that I am wrong in assuming things are getting too personal in light of this issue. Moving forward.."

 

To avoid this from happening again, I gave them access to my daily calendar at work so they know when to expect me to be away from my computer.

 

---

[purpledooze]

Why are you annoyed that he is trying to "mask those intentions"? Do you want him to show that he is still interested in you?

 

I'm not annoyed that he's trying to mask his intentions. I don't want him to show his interest. Other than this "bro" thing which feels too "forced" than natural for him there have been other ways he's showing his interest and it's annoying rather than flattering.

 

One time, I had a flat tire, a co-worker offered to drive me home. I accepted as Adrian is a nice, cheerful, albeit very talkative guy. I considered him harmless because he has a girlfriend.

 

The next day, after my manager found out, he sent me a message: "Adrian already has a girlfriend and they've been together for 5 years. I would have driven you home but he beat me to it."

 

I'm like WTF.

[jen1447]

Sounds like the environment's a little toxic in general and that the "bro" thing is a fairly minor component of it.

 

Does it bother you to be called "bro" as a woman?

[Jacob_Duluoz]

I think he's just an *******. Item #4 is disturbing.

[circlesinfinity]

Yea, I truly get what you mean. It's just that it's even more annoying knowing he's trying his best to mask those intentions. Sooner or later, I'm going to have to confront him about this.

I would call him "sis", lol!

But be honest with him and tell him not to call you that or say "my name is (purpledooze)"right after he says it. When it comes to this type of environment, from my experience, men tend to be less dramatic about these types of things. If you are a jerk back, they will get it right away.

 

I told this guy a work once to stop telling me about every woman that comes into our store that he thought was "hot". 1)I am strictly into men and have absolutely no interest in talking about them 2)I rarely pay attention to other women, unless they ask me something. Lol

 

What do you mean by the women are ranked higher than you?

[purpledooze]

Sounds like the environment's a little toxic in general and that the "bro" thing is a fairly minor component of it.

 

Does it bother you to be called "bro" as a woman?

 

It doesn't bother me if the person calling me bro was actually a good friend or one of my brothers. I have male friends who call me bro most of the time and it doesn't bother me because we've been friends for a long time.

[purpledooze]

I would call him "sis", lol!

But be honest with him and tell him not to call you that or say "my name is (purpledooze)"right after he says it. When it comes to this type of environment, from my experience, men tend to be less dramatic about these types of things. If you are a jerk back, they will get it right away.

 

I told this guy a work once to stop telling me about every woman that comes into our store that he thought was "hot". 1)I am strictly into men and have absolutely no interest in talking about them 2)I rarely pay attention to other women, unless they ask me something. Lol

 

What do you mean by the women are ranked higher than you?

 

Like the ones from the Accounts department and a couple of female managers. I'm the only woman he ever addresses bro.

[TaraMaiden2]

I'm okay with this.

 

Of COURSE you are.

 

Because it's not actually happening to you.

And even if it now began happening to you, you'd grit your teeth and 'be ok with this' just to prove us wrong, and you right.

 

I guess it's a guy thing.

'Have to go one better than a mere gurl, just to show she's fussin' ovah nuthin'....'

 

[edgygirl]

From this and other posts, sounds like a formal complaint to HR Dept. would be wise. Nobody has to know for now, but at least if things eventually explode for some reason, there's a record of all those things happening.

 

Also, make sure (I prob don't have to tell you as you're in IT) you put Skype messages to be saved indefinitely.

 

 

I go AFK for lunch. Set my Skype status to "AWAY for lunch, be back in an hour." He sends me a message assigning me a task and when I don't reply within 10 minutes, he immediately escalates this to senior management.

 

When I ask him about this, why he escalated before talking to me, he said, "Don't you lecture me."

 

I responded with, "That's not my intention. I only hope that I am wrong in assuming things are getting too personal in light of this issue. Moving forward.."

 

To avoid this from happening again, I gave them access to my daily calendar at work so they know when to expect me to be away from my computer.

 

---

[Didn'tKnowIt]

From this and other posts, sounds like a formal complaint to HR Dept. would be wise. Nobody has to know for now, but at least if things eventually explode for some reason, there's a record of all those things happening.

 

Also, make sure (I prob don't have to tell you as you're in IT) you put Skype messages to be saved indefinitely.

 

Yes, she should make a complaint to HR. He's intentionally antagonizing her and I bet he will start escalating his garbage behavior. Best to have everything he does documented from the very beginning.