Boss (re)hired my stalker

[AMusing]

I'm finishing my PhD. I have two PhD advisors, a primary & a secondary. My secondary advisor had a PhD student who started a couple years before I did. We became friends, then the friendship line blurred into almost--but not quite--a relationship. Long story short(er), it became very unhealthy for me. A little over three years ago I told him I needed to stop seeing him outside of a professional capacity.

 

He did not accept my decision. He escalated into obsessive stalking behavior. He called, texted, or emailed several dozens of times a day (from different phone numbers and email addresses, since I blocked each one as soon as I realized it was him). He drove to my house on at least a daily basis (I did not let him in). He left presents, letters, and poetry on my porch or by my car at work. He threatened to tell horrible lies about me to my advisors, my family, and my friends. He pushed his way into my office at work and refused to leave numerous times. Once he even proposed to me. When all that failed, he threatened to kill himself.

 

This lasted for several months. I went to a therapist for advice on handling the situation. We decided I should share what was happening with my advisors. They were supportive and concerned for me. They both agreed that my primary advisor (a man) would be the one to talk to him. My advisor made it clear that if my stalker did not stop his behavior, he would get kicked out of the grad program and quite likely get deported (since he was on a student visa). After that, my stalker tried to reach me a few more times, but ultimately stopped trying to contact me.

 

He finished his PhD about a year later and got a post-doctoral position with another faculty member at the same university (same building, but a different department & different floor). It's been two years of essentially no contact.

 

Today, I found out via a group email that my secondary advisor has hired this guy to work in her lab (not sure what capacity, not sure that it matters). She didn't even warn me she was doing this. I feel sick, betrayed, and angry. I'm not sure what to do, if anything. I'll be finishing my PhD in a couple months, at which time I'll be leaving our state permanently. Do I just buckle down, finish as quickly as possible, and try to avoid contact? Do I confront my advisor?

[TaraMaiden2]

I certainly think you have the right to speak to your secondary AND Primary advisor - together. Seek a meeting and calmly, dispassionately, voice your anger, disappointment and frankly the fear you have.

Maybe she has a good explanation. But given that your Primary adviser was the one to speak to him, I think both should be included in the meeting.

Advise them that if the same patterns begin to surface, you will take legal advice, because they are jeopardising your work and above all, safety.

You want to make sure - insist - that your work schedules never intertwine or overlap.

 

Seek a meeting with both of them, urgently.

You don't have to face this on your own, and actually shouldn't have to.

[d0nnivain]

Other than annoy the cr@p out of you & be creepy, did this guy ever threaten you? If yes, get a lawyer immediately.

 

 

If no, do call a meeting of your two advisors & possibly the dean of students. Ask what will be done to keep you safe & keep you two apart. Express your concerns but then hope that the stalker just stays away. Many times they do. If the stalker resurfaces, call the police & and a lawyer.

[AMusing]

By pure coincidence, I have a meeting scheduled with both of them tomorrow afternoon. I can't believe I have to deal with this again. I've already lost most of my respect for my secondary advisor; this seals the deal. This guy wasn't even a good student! She hired him out of obligation and/or pity, did so over my peace of mind, and didn't even have the decency to tell me beforehand?!

 

d0nnivain, he never threatened me physically. He threatened me socially/professionally (never acted on those threats). At one point he kind of threatened my dogs, but I don't think he would ever actually do anything to them. Besides, since cutting ties we've moved to another side of the city, so he couldn't find them even if he wanted to.

[TaraMaiden2]

I fully understand, and would not criticise your obvious discomfort, anger and indignation; you have absolutely every right (and then some!) to be as outraged and seething as you must be. However, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that you need to keep a cool head at the meeting, and remain calm, but at the same time convey in no uncertain terms that you find this entire arrangement humiliating, inexcusable and unacceptable. You feel extremely insulted and furthermore, you feel your own consideration has been ignored.

 

Advise them that you intend to put your complaint in writing, in an official capacity if needs be, unless this man's involvement is either terminated, or unless they can wholly guarantee that he will not be within a mile of you while you are both engaged in working.

 

That's what I would do.

[applej4]

If you were stalked or threatened, you should file a complaint with the police, I don't see where a lawyer will do you any good other than to tell you to file a police report or talk to the prosecutor. I don't see where advisors and therapists have done you any good. Also, regarding what you said about your dogs, you have no idea what he might do. I hope nothing, but don't kid yourself - when someone wants to find you they can. I also don't see any purpose in telling them you are "insulted". You need to document what has heppened, and what hasn't happened is you haven't filed a police report.

[d0nnivain]

d0nnivain, he never threatened me physically. He threatened me socially/professionally (never acted on those threats). At one point he kind of threatened my dogs, but I don't think he would ever actually do anything to them. Besides, since cutting ties we've moved to another side of the city, so he couldn't find them even if he wanted to.

 

I wasn't asking to diminish the wrongs he did do to you, but merely to assess how fast & how you needed to act to protect yourself. Since you are not in physical danger, you have a few hours to gather your thoughts & marshal your arguments before you present your points to your advisors.

 

 

Good for you for sticking up for yourself.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Does your school have one?

 

HUGE resource - they have dealt with hundreds of problems, know the dean, the chairs, who has integrity, who doesn't, what strategies have worked (or not) in your institution, etc. they can probably help you strategize how to deal in your specific circumstances.

 

I don't want to suggest you accept this (you shouldn't) but if you piss off your thesis advisors it can be a huge career hit. Ombudsperson can probably help you address this without putting yourself at risk.

 

Legally, your employer MAY not allow another employee to create a hostile work environment. If this went legal, they are probably at risk. Obviously strategically you don't lead with a threat. But if they are really asses it's an option to have your attorney call the university attorney, who will probably make them run for cover. This reeks.

 

Biggest danger to you is you are so justifiably livid, you may lose your temper (justifiably) in a way that harms your career. If you can't get Ombudsperson first thing tomorrow, put off meeting, call in sick, or find some faculty member you trust to discuss. Try not to have the conversation if you're seething.

[TaraMaiden2]

Sweet Workaholic said:

HUGE resource - they have dealt with hundreds of problems, know the dean, the chairs, who has integrity, who doesn't, what strategies have worked (or not) in your institution, etc. they can probably help you strategize how to deal in your specific circumstances.

 

I don't want to suggest you accept this (you shouldn't) but if you piss off your thesis advisors it can be a huge career hit. Ombudsperson can probably help you address this without putting yourself at risk.

 

Legally, your employer MAY not allow another employee to create a hostile work environment. If this went legal, they are probably at risk. Obviously strategically you don't lead with a threat. But if they are really asses it's an option to have your attorney call the university attorney, who will probably make them run for cover. This reeks.

 

Biggest danger to you is you are so justifiably livid, you may lose your temper (justifiably) in a way that harms your career. If you can't get Ombudsperson first thing tomorrow, put off meeting, call in sick, or find some faculty member you trust to discuss. Try not to have the conversation if you're seething.

Excellent post. I advised you further up the thread to make this an official/legal discourse, but this advice is very sound, too....

 

(Incidentally, The word IS 'Ombudsman'. It is a working existent title and being politically correct by neutralising/non-gendering the word, is actually a grammatical error. It's like the word 'chairman'. We use the term 'Madam Chairman' in the UK, because the word 'Chairman' describes an elevated position, not a personal status.

It's similar to titles like 'solicitor', 'Lawyer', 'Judge', 'Artist'.... they can be applied either way, but do not necessarily exclude either gender. Sorry for the comment.... )

 

But your advice is superb.

[AMusing]

Thank you all for the excellent advice. I cancelled the meeting today. I thought I could keep my cool, but then I found out that my advisor hired this guy a month ago. A month. She's had a month to talk to me, and somehow chose not to say a single word. I'm very tempted to drop her from my committee. But before I do anything, I'm going to speak to the ombuds[pronoun], and then I think I'll need to speak with my primary advisor privately.

 

Grad students don't have many rights. But we do have a right to feel safe. Christ.

[d0nnivain]

I suppose the very small bit of silver lining is that the stalker guy has been back a month but hasn't been bothering you. No matter what happens with your advisors the best thing is that he stays away.

[O'Malley]

I think discussing the situation with the ombudsman is excellent advice; at the very least, it shows that you made others aware of your concerns.

 

Keep in mind that this guy might be hoping to provoke an angry or otherwise emotional outburst from you. Your concerns shouldn't be minimized; this isn't about you feeling awkward about working with an ex, this individual acted unprofessionally by threatening to make false allegations to your advisors, and also ignored your requests to cease contact (pushing his way into your office and refusing to leave on several occasions). Most employers with any sense would (and should) be concerned with liability issues from hiring this guy, even if he hasn't contacted you since being hired.

[Sweet Workaholic]

Yeah this is beyond absurd

 

From many years in academic environment, I have learned to (almost) never be surprised at how stupid / inconsiderate some faculty can be. Most are good but a substantial minority are ... unkind, unaware, egocentric and dumb. This particular story is pretty impressive however. Unbelievably STUPID.

 

Keep us posted please.

[Sweet Workaholic]

I stand corrected :-)

[TaraMaiden2]

I stand corrected :-)

 

You're very kind to take it so graciously, and I am genuinely and sincerely grateful for your courtesy,

 

[AMusing]

Ok, I am meeting with the ombudsman tomorrow morning. She seems very good, and said that she has handled similar cases before (which, in itself, is kind of sad).

 

My primary adviser called me tonight to ask if I was ok (I never cancel meetings). I asked him if he was aware of the situation. He was just as shocked as I was, and couldn't believe my secondary adviser would show so much disregard. That makes me feel better.

 

d0nnivain, I totally agree with you regarding the no contact issue. He's stayed away for a month, which is an excellent sign. The only reason to fear things might change is that in the summer we don't meet as a lab, in the fall we have weekly lab meetings.

[Sweet Workaholic]

You're very kind to take it so graciously, and I am genuinely and sincerely grateful for your courtesy,

 

 

De Nada :-)

[Sweet Workaholic]

Ok, I am meeting with the ombudsman tomorrow morning. She seems very good, and said that she has handled similar cases before (which, in itself, is kind of sad).

 

My primary adviser called me tonight to ask if I was ok (I never cancel meetings). I asked him if he was aware of the situation. He was just as shocked as I was, and couldn't believe my secondary adviser would show so much disregard. That makes me feel better.

 

.

 

This is *very* good news. The critical thing when a trainee has a dispute with a faculty member is, if at all possible, have another faculty member in your corner. Particularly your primary thesis advisor. Unless your secondary advisor is particularly vindictive, you are pretty much insulated from career harm. Even if she is, your primary advisor can always pick up the phone and call places you are applying for jobs and explain the situation.

 

It is possible (but not likely) that one meeting with ombudsman and your primary advisor will resolve this. If so, the rest of this post is irrelevant. On the assumption that it is more complicated than that, here are my thoughts about how to position yourself as this evolves:

 

I have met with ombudsmen at two different institutions (socially) - in one they were very aggressive, had actually fired faculty for harassment, etc. In the other (much more prestigious) institution there was much less willingness to crack down on faculty. People got away with really bad stuff and the institution wouldn't do much. So I think it is unpredictable how strongly she will be able to support you. She may instantly pick up the phone and call the department chair and tell him/her this is unacceptable. Or she may tell you she is powerless and can only help you figure out how to cope.

 

I would make your opening position "I don't see how I can continue to work in this situation if he is there." Don't tell them what to do (don't say "I want him fired") just keep saying "I don't see how I can work there if he is there." "I don't feel safe if he is there." If they say "What do you want us to do?" you can say "I have no idea what you should do, I'm just reeling, but I cannot imagine feeling safe if he is there."

 

Feel free to tell the ombudsman that they are jerks and this was irresponsible and you've lost respect for your secondary advisor and this is despicable. But you are more likely to get what you want if you don't tell your secondary advisor that she's a jerk. Just relentlessly stick to *your own feelings*. "I didn't feel respected." "I can't work under these circumstances." If you can manage it, look your secondary advisor in the eye and say as sincerely as you can, "I'm sure you can understand that I can't work in the lab with him around." [Don't point out the obvious conclusion that if she could understand that she wouldn't have hired him!] With your primary advisor and the ombudsperson sitting there, she can't possibly say "No I don't understand."

 

If you say "You were disrespectful of me," she can argue the point. If you say "I'm sure you understand that I don't feel safe with him around," and act like you mean it (gag) she's basically trapped into either agreeing with you or looking like a sociopath in front of her peers. Then it becomes her problem.

 

If she says "you're making too much of this," or "You're over-reacting," say "I have to disagree, but whether or not I am, it doesn't change that I don't feel safe while he's here." DO NOT engage in logical argument about whether you have over-reacted or not. Someone like this can argue that the sky is green and they are masters at changing the subject and obfuscating. Just stick to "I don't feel safe," and "I can't work here if he's here." Any argument they put out that you can't find an answer for immediately, just say "That may be, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel safe if he is here." They can't argue you out of how you feel.

 

If they say "You understand we can't just fire him," don't get trapped into agreeing or disagreeing. It's not your problem, don't make it yours. Say "I have no idea what you can or can't do with respect to Jim, and I really haven't thought about it, and I really don't care. I'm just telling you I cannot work here if he's here."

 

There may be liability to them if they fire him, or your secondary advisor may have clout, or the department chair may be a wimp, and they may not at the end of the day fire the guy. They might ultimately conclude they'd rather be sued by you than by him, or they may conclude that you will probably (towards the end of your PhD) suck it up and there is less risk to keeping him than firing him.

 

You would then have to decide whether to stay and suck it up, stay and sue, or leave.

 

However, you are in a pretty strong position legally. Whether you get exactly what you want or not, you shouldn't roll over easily. The longer you stick to "I don't think I can work there if he is there" the more time you give them to start to believe you are serious, consider their options, go talk to the hospital attorney, etc. Just because one day one and day two and day three they say "there's nothing we can do" doesn't mean it's true. Keep saying "I just don't think I can work there if he is there" and stick to it for at least a few days or a week or so. In academic centers people often judge how serious you are by how long you stick to your position. If they say "we can't change it" say "I don't know how I can continue then" and maybe even "if you're really going to keep him I guess I'll have to ask for your help in finding another lab," and let them sleep on that for a couple of nights. You can always change your mind, just make them sweat for a few days. They will come at least part way around.

 

Don't threaten or blame them (yet - that comes later in the game) keep the focus on you. "I just don't feel safe" is an argument they can't defeat if you stick to it.

 

If you were to actually leave it would look terrible for the program, others would learn about it, they'd be afraid of being sued ... you may be powerless in many respects, but unless your entire department are sociopaths they are going to be upset if you were to leave. If they don't decide to fire this guy, make them think for at least a few days that you might leave and sweat a bit.

 

If push comes to shove and they don't fire him, the one thing you cannot do is stay with some general promise of "we won't let anything happen." If they keep him and you elect to stay, you need something like a letter from the university attorney to him and you recounting the past history and telling him "one strike and you're out."

 

Don't suggest that, though. Keep saying "I can't work here if he's here" and "I wouldn't feel safe" and things of that nature. Make *them* scramble to find some arrangement that would make you feel safe. If they promise to keep an eye on the situation, say "I'm sorry, but given that you re-hired him that's not specific enough. If you want me to even think about staying I'd need a better guarantee than that." Put all the work on them. If you propose a solution (a letter from the hospital attorney) they can shoot it down or water it down. Make *them* find a solution.

 

It would be nice if this were to all get resolved after one meeting with the ombudsman and they fire him. I predict it will probably drag on a while. The longer you stand your ground the stronger your position and the more likely you'll get more of what you want. If the uncertainty is stressing you out and you have to have it resolved right away you will tend to leap at any lame offer they make. Be prepared to have it be unresolved for some time, because the longer you can wait the stronger your position becomes.

 

No matter what they offer, under no circumstances agree to *anything* without sleeping on it. Say "I promised my {boyfriend, father, sister} that I would discuss with him/her before I made any final decisions." That way you can never be pressured into accepting something because you're in the chair's office with a lot of serious looking people around saying "you have to agree now." Say "I'm willing to consider that, but I promised my {whoever} to discuss it with them first. I'll have to get back to you tomorrow."

 

If it goes well at first, you can probably sweat this through on your own. If it gets sticky, I would invest in an hour of a good attorney's time and make sure you understand how strong or not strong your position is. I guarantee you that they will be talking to the hospital attorney, so you may well need to do the same to keep the playing field level.

 

*whew* I warned you that this would be long, rambling and repetitive.

[Standard-Fare]

How much interaction would you be having with your former stalker while he's working in this lab?

 

My guess is that your secondary adviser who hired him simply doesn't consider the issues with this guy to be as serious as you consider them. She probably thinks of it as something personal, like a bad breakup would be, that she can't consider as a dealbreaker in hiring. She also may believe enough time has passed that it's not a real problem anymore. Furthermore, she may have also made this decision based on the knowledge that you're leaving soon.

 

Given that last fact -- that you're on your way out -- my advice would be to just accept this as calmly and professionally as you can for this temporary period. If any problems do occur, it sounds like you already have enough of a basis (i.e. you made this issue public a long time, you now have the ombudsman on your side) to promptly file complaints and/or take whatever actions you need to to protect yourself.

 

Definitely keep your guard up at all times, and don't consider this secondary adviser a friend. But to me it doesn't seem worth making a bigger deal of it at this point when you only have a couple months to go.

[TaraMaiden2]

OP: you need to read Sweet Workaholic's post a couple of times, because it's all absolutely rock-solid, sound, sense.

 

Basically, it deflects and reflects all responsibility for their actions onto them, for them to resolve, without actually blaming and shaming.

 

It's an excellent strategy, and I would suggest a very good one to use in any or all occasions where a professional injustice is perpetrated against you.

This is a really good negotiation skill to have under your belt, and it's invaluable and priceless.

 

Go with it.

Practice it and make sure you have it down to a fine art.

 

It's mildly possible, however, that now you've set the ball rolling with both the Ombudsman AND your Primary Adviser - that they're going to implement damage-limitations even before you HAVE the meeting.... so be prepared for that too.... They may actually lay a pre-conceived solution before you, at the meeting.

[applej4]

OP, you describe months of harassment and stalking, but I don’t see anything about you making an official complaint to the police or anyone else. When he pushed his way into your place of employment, several times, what did security do? Did you even report him? Did you ever tell him STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE! ?? The therapist you first went to (after putting up with the harassment and stalking for months) gave you bad advice. This should have been a police matter, not a matter for your advisors. They have no suthority. I’m not seeing where a meeting with advisors would accomplish anything, nor do I see where you have a case a lawyer would be interested in. They can hire whoever they want. You have no leverage; you're in no position to make demands.

Edited August 19, 2015 by applej4

[TaraMaiden2]

OP, you describe months of harassment and stalking, but I don’t see anything about you making an official complaint to the police or anyone else. When he pushed his way into your place of employment, several times, what did security do? Did you even report him? Did you ever tell him STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE! ?? The therapist you first went to (after putting up with the harassment and stalking for months) gave you bad advice. This should have been a police matter, not a matter for your advisors. They have no suthority. I’m not seeing where a meeting with advisors would accomplish anything, nor do I see where you have a case a lawyer would be interested in. They can hire whoever they want. You have no leverage; you're in no position to make demands.

 

She hasn't made any demands yet. Besides, given that her Primary Adviser was shocked that her stalker had been re-hired, we have no idea at all whether they can do something or not.

[applej4]

She hasn't made any demands yet. Besides, given that her Primary Adviser was shocked that her stalker had been re-hired, we have no idea at all whether they can do something or not.

 

Yes, I know she hasn’t, and I'm reminding her she is on no position to do so (make demands). The Primary Advisor being shocked is here nor there, and really has no relevance. More importantly, the issue of OP not making a police report – EVER – still continues to be sidestepped.

[Sweet Workaholic]

OP, you describe months of harassment and stalking, but I don’t see anything about you making an official complaint to the police or anyone else. When he pushed his way into your place of employment, several times, what did security do? Did you even report him? Did you ever tell him STOP, LEAVE ME ALONE! ?? The therapist you first went to (after putting up with the harassment and stalking for months) gave you bad advice. This should have been a police matter, not a matter for your advisors. They have no suthority. I’m not seeing where a meeting with advisors would accomplish anything, nor do I see where you have a case a lawyer would be interested in. They can hire whoever they want. You have no leverage; you're in no position to make demands.

 

With respect, they actually cannot legally hire someone (or do anything else) if that action creates a hostile workplace environment for a member of a protected class, and they knew (or should reasonably have known) that it would do so. Gender (either male or female) is a "protected class."

 

The obvious problem with this law is that there is loads of interpretation as to what a "hostile workplace environment" consists of. So it's a bit of a crapshoot.

 

The other issue is whether hiring this individual is actually gender-based harassment, or whether it is just freakin' obnoxious. You can treat your employees like **** and there is no legal consequence. If you treat them like **** (or allow a hostile workplace environment) *because of their gender* you are in violation.

 

So they would certainly have some grounds to defend a harassment lawsuit, but imho it would not be open-and-shut. Plus, do they really want to go to court and offer the defense (in front of the local news media) that "We didn't harass her, we're just inconsiderate *******s?"

 

Of course, it's not a brilliant move strategically to start with the threat of a lawsuit. Nor is a lawsuit likely going to get what you want in this situation. But I bet they are worrying about it - or will be soon.

 

The non-legal issue is that unless this department has a stellar record of graduating female PhDs, right now they are likely under pressure from the Dean and federal funding agencies to do a better job of attracting and graduating females - this is almost universal in the sciences right now. The level of pressure may vary from institution to institution, and in the OP's institution/ department it may be small. But in some institutions and some departments right now it is a big deal. If the OP's department is under such pressure, hiring her stalker is not going to win them points with the Dean.

[Sweet Workaholic]

There are different schools of thought about the police report. Obviously there is something to be said for putting this guy on notice. However, there is significant risk as well.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-act-violence/201207/do-domestic-violence-restraining-orders-ever-really-work

 

Quoting from the above article:

Problem Four: Sometimes the presence of a TRO makes what was a dormant situation instantly worse. As Hollywood security expert Gavin de Becker says in his bestseller, The Gift of Fear, “Sometimes when we engage we enrage.” This means that if the subject has not bothered the victim prior to this point, getting him served in court with a civil stay-away order may suddenly give him a reason to become a never-ending irritant to the victim. “You’re giving me a restraining order? I’ll give you a reason to give me a restraining order!” and then the games begin.

 

Restraining orders and police reports offer absolutely no *protection* to the stalkee. The police cannot be there in time to help you if your stalker goes psycho. He can break your door down and murder you long before the police arrive. Read the news carefully for a week and you will find at least one case where someone murders another while under a restraining order.

 

Therefore, some reputable security experts advise against it. I certainly am not in position to say what would have been best in this situation but I think we owe the OP the benefit of the doubt of deciding what seemed best in her situation.