My neighbor made me feel uncomfortable

[amkxoxo]

So I recently moved into a new apartment complex. Its the best place I have ever lived. I have been so happy lately and have been trying to have all my friends over to see it. I have been meeting a few people in the building. Many of them are older 50s and elderly. They have welcomed me and been friendly.

 

I am a young 22 year old college student and I work full time while taking classes. Today when I was on my way into the building from work, I ran into a guy who looked like he was in construction, plumbing, or some kind of painting profession. He said "hello", and I figured it would end there. He then proceeded to ask me if I was the new person in the building in room ****. I said yes and he told me how he lives underneath me. While we rode the elevator together he then proceeded to tell me how happy he was to run into me.

 

He proceeded to tell me that it wasn't my fault but unfortunately when my landlord installed new tile floors, it made the walking over his apartment very loud. He then told me he could hear everything. He then proceeded to tell me how I went to bed at 1am last Sunday and this morning I woke up at 7am. I was then very uncomfortable with this man. He was middle aged and I was alone with him and he gave me a creepy vibe. I proceeded to apologize in case I had been loud, and he said I wasn't but he could hear everything anyway and it wasn't my fault. He then started telling me that the girl who lived before me would clomp around in her high heels in the middle of the night and bother him. I told him I was a quiet person and that I would try and remain quiet above him.

 

He was almost trying to convince me how his bed was right under mine. I didn't need convincing, I kept telling him I would try and keep it down. I believed him, but he kept saying it. I felt suddenly very put on the spot and extremely uncomfortable. He was nice but in a creepy lifetime movie psycho way. I felt like I frozen with uncomfortableness.

 

He then suggested that I invest in some area rugs around my apartment to help the noise. He was nice about it, but who did this guy think he was? I told him I was planning to invest in some anyway, so it wasn't an issue. He then was telling me all the work he did to his apartment and how it was much different than mine and he had an extra area rug if I wanted it, since he did a lot of renovating. He kept insisting I stop by and see it. I just tried to shrug it off and then he kept telling me it would take a second, and he would show me where his bedroom is compared to mine so I would know for the noise. I told him I had plans and I really couldn't, and at this point I was terrified.

 

I felt stuck. He kept insisting it would take a second and he was so nice, but pushing me to come and see, because he felt I needed to see. When the elevator got to his floor he got out and I almost wanted to push the button to my floor, but I didn't. I got out and he was waiting for me. He opened his door and he went in first. I stood near the door and was gripping my keys between my fingers ready to stab this guy. He wandered around and showed me where his bedroom was, as I could see it from the doorway. I was so scared. Why would this middle aged man who lives alone, insist a young college girl who lives alone, comes to his apartment.

 

I know realize how stupid I was now, but in the moment, I felt pushed, trapped, and peer pressured. This was the perfect set up for this man to attack me, rape me, or kill me. He had to have seen the fear in my eyes. He showed me around a little, and I never let him behind me or anywhere where I could not see him. He did re-do his whole apartment. He showed me how he insulated it for the winter and was advising me to do the same when it cold. He even offered to do it for me, since it was easy.

 

I was again standing in the door way. He asked where I was from since he noticed my car had different license plates. This made me so afraid. He could hear everything I was doing upstairs, because of this he remembered certain times I was awake and asleep, and he noticed my car and where it was from. He asked where I went to school after I mentioned I was in college. I told him, but he would have known, since my school was one of the biggest schools in the area. He told me he had a buddy taking classes part time their, and he knew something famous my school was known for.

 

I then excused myself to leave and ran to my apartment. I was so scared, I was shaking. I was so afraid of this man. I don't want to run into him again. I told my parents and they were so mad at him, and at me for going to his apartment.

 

He didn't try to get close to me or anything but he just gave me a horrible vibe. I don't want to run into him again, but I don't know if that is possible. He knows where I live. I lock all my doors now when I am inside. I told one of my guy friends and he flipped. He was so angry that a man made me uncomfortable and pressured. My guy friend even offered to knock on his door to have a little chat with him. My guy friend told me that if he talks to me or tries to get near me again, he will step in. My guy friend was so upset that I was so upset. I realized how bad he situation was when my guy friend reacted so rashly. This guy could have easily overpowered me. I don't know what to do now. My new, fun, safe apartment is feeling less safe to me living alone.

[jen1447]

Do you know if he actually lives directly below you? I assume that would mean his unit number is the same as yours with the different floor number - 516/416 forex.

 

Tenancy problems are a real b*tch. If it creeps you out, probably the easiest thing ultimately would be to move out.

[amkxoxo]

He does live directly below me. I went to his apartment with him after he insisted I see. I feel like the whole time he was pretty much trying to nicely school me on where I should be walking and what time of the day. I signed a lease for a year to live there. Besides him, I like it there. I may stay more than a year if I want. I will walk where I want and I pay a lot of money to be comfortable doing what I please in my apartment. If I want to buy rugs for my apartment for me, I will. But I will not be buying them to drown out noise in his apartment. I don't care. If he has issues with it, then maybe he should move or insulate his apartment better. But how dare he try to almost be my friend while pretty making low blows at me for staying up late on Saturday night. Bringing up that I went to bed at 1am. That is none of his business and not my fault. I pay to live and sleep when I want.

[O'Malley]

I'd talk to your apt. manager about moving into another apartment in the building. The comments this neighbor has been making are intrusive and would make plenty of people uncomfortable.

 

Until then, set and enforce boundaries. Act busy, if he persists in bothering with questions about your life tell him that you aren't interested in discussing that with him and walk off.

Edited May 6, 2015 by O'Malley

[preraph]

Talk to the landlord immediately and see if there's another vacant apartment you can move into -- or even if the has a whole different apt. complex you can move to. Tell him why, that now you will never feel comfortable there. Read your lease. See if you have a grace period to back out of it. But a landlord might be able to just move you.

 

What bothers me is your gut feeling was fear, and you should follow those instincts. Ask the landlord if any of that is true about hearing everything and if so, why they haven't done something about it. But mostly, ask him to move apartments or complexes. Please just do it. Easier to move now than later.

[applej4]

While I agree that you should look into moving to another unit, it seems that you engaged with/listened to/conversed with this guy FAR longer than you needed to. You don’t have to listen to him ……walk away from him. Another idea would be for the two of you to switch units since he is so bothered by normal human noises……he can take the upper unit. Talk to the landlord about it (not the neighbor).

[empresario]

The dude is awkward, no doubt about that. Funny how gender changes things, right?

 

 

For example, that has happened to me in the past with older women. For me, I see them as annoying but go along with it because I know they are just lonely and awkward. I can't tell you how many conversations about ungrateful children I've listened to while eating dry baked goods offered as 'service' for whoring out my ears.

 

 

When it's a guy talking to a girl, it changes the dynamic. Rightly so. I guess my point is, just ignore him. My read, and take it for what it is...the dude is just lonely and awkward. Doesn't mean you should trust him. It means that if he was a violent, murdering rapist he wouldn't look for targets 9 feet away from where he sleeps.

 

 

Just avoid him. You have no duty to make this guy's life easy. No matter the gender nor age, people like this are emotional vacuums. He will suck out all of your emotional energy until you make it clear he can't.

[preraph]

I agree OP shouldn't have let him talk to her that long. Should just tell him "I have to get going." Refuse any more invitations. If you have to tell him, "I'm really busy and just like to keep to myself."

 

You have to get over feeling bad if you say no.

[amkxoxo]

I kept telling him I didn't have time, and I was busy and I had to get going and he kept insisting it would be fat and he had to show me where his bed is. I had this impending fear. Yes, it would have been different if it was a woman, but he was a middle aged man trying to convince a 22 year old single woman into going to his apartment alone when I just met him. That is not okay. I kept telling him that I would be quiet and respectful but he kept insisting I go with him. We were stuck in an elevator and I couldn't go anywhere. Even as a woman I would never insist someone I just met come to my apartment. Its creepy.

 

Even while in his apartment, I held my keys out ready to stab and watched him in front of me the whole time while I stood close to the door. Why did I need to see exactly where his bed was, when I promised to keep it down. It is not my fault that my floor is loud in his apartment. If I want to have 20 people over walking around, I can, because I pay every month to live there. I haven't been waling around in shoes, I have been walking around in bare feet or slippers. So sorry if he can hear me. I don't like that he referenced when I slept and woke up. That was rude and uncalled for. I am going to continue to live in my apartment the way I want to whether he likes it or not.

 

I don't want to move, I like my apartment. The thing about this complex is that it is all privately owned. My apartment is owned by a family who rents it to me. I have a lease with them. This man owns his own place. I can't and won't move. I have been more cautious now with locking my doors and windows. But even today I am afraid to go home, because he might be taking the elevator at the same time as me again. I'm just upset because the whole experience scared me very much and I don't want to see him again.

[GemmaUK]

OK, bear with the first part that I'm going to say here but even though he was somewhat insistent upon you seeing his place if you had felt very uncomfortable at that moment when you chose to follow him out of the lift you just would not have followed him out and you would have made an excuse.

However, hindsight, yes, you did feel uncomfortable.

He didn't actually touch you or do anything untoward from the sound of it - he was just a bit over much really.

I suspect he was trying to be just friendly and open and have a better neighbour to neighbour relationship with you than he obviously had with the previous high heeled tenant.

 

 

Thing is though that you say you don't care about any noise you make?

I would have thought that getting rugs - even just for protection of your own privacy would be essential! I would be rug shopping and finding some fleecy booties to keep my toes warm as soon as I could.

Any further noise he hears above and beyond the normal expectation and he will be at your door now that you have engaged with him for so long. Personally I would want to avoid him having any excuse to come to my door so I would care and I would sort the issue.

 

 

I would also contact the landlord and ask to be moved and preferably to a flat with carpeted floors. Tiles and laminate noise can literally make the property below reverberate.

I have lived in a flat above with parquet floors (and had noise complaints - we soon learned to take our shoes off) and below a place with laminate. Sleeping and just relaxing in your own home in those type of dwellings can be impossible unless you have considerate neighbours.

[preraph]

You need to tell your landlords about this! They need to know he started badgering you before you even got moved in because that's a sign he'll keep it up. You won't like your apartment if you have to see him all the time, and you will have to see him all the time. Next time tell him "If you have any issues please just talk to the landlord about it."

[I_Give_Up67]

I have some very recent experience with a creepy neighbor. From my perspective, you need to establish very clear boundaries with this neighbor. If he gets in your face again firmly but politely tell him to address his concerns with management. The way I see it, you are a rent paying tenant just as he is. You should not have to "walk on air" inside of your own home just because he can hear you. If he has a problem with hearing foot steps at 1:00 AM, management would be best suited to address his concerns. You should not be subjected to being accosted directly by this neighbor, or anybody else with complaints foot steps on a tile floor.

 

 

This neighbor seems a bit anal also, that he even went through the trouble of noting the times he heard you doing certain things, for example, like what time you went to bed. Be careful of this type of a person, he may also have some mental issues at play.

[jen1447]

It's not an apartment/rent situation apparently - sounds like a condo complex. OP is renting from the owner of her unit, the guy below owns his.

 

Is there something along the lines of a neighborhood association or a management company there that referees disputes between tenants of the different properties?

[I_Give_Up67]

It's not an apartment/rent situation apparently - sounds like a condo complex. OP is renting from the owner of her unit, the guy below owns his.

 

Is there something along the lines of a neighborhood association or a management company there that referees disputes between tenants of the different properties?

 

 

 

Jen, thanks for correcting me on that. Apologies to the OP for missing that fact.

[CC12]

After reading your post several times, OP, I'm still not totally clear on one thing: Do you feel physically or sexually threatened by him, or do you only feel that he overstepped boundaries and was intrusive and pushy?

 

To be clear, I haaate when people make excuses for creeps, but I get the feeling this guy was really trying to introduce himself to a new neighbor and he then took the opportunity to lodge a small complaint. He was a total idiot about it, but I think he was trying to prove his point by showing you the layout of his apartment compared to yours and suggesting things you could do to help with the noise. He went about it the wrong way, definitely.

 

Either way, I think this is how you should proceed:

 

Tell the people you're renting from that although you do your absolute best to be quiet, your downstairs neighbor has complained about your footsteps.

 

Ask them if there's any way they can modify your apartment so you're not disturbing others, and also ask where noise complaints should be directed to because you don't want to deal with this man personally again. If another issue arises with this neighbor, tell him to call the management company or HOA or whoever and you can walk away without engaging in conversation.

 

Lastly, just get some area rugs. You said you were planning to anyway, and then you changed your mind when this dude pissed you off. Don't be vengeful. I'm not saying you need to start jumping through hoops to appease every single complaint your crazy neighbor has. But you can do this one easy thing that you said you were already planning to do anyway.

[amkxoxo]

I am not being spiteful. I still plan on getting area rugs. But I should be the one who decides when, what, and where I get them. If I didn't want any rugs at all and wanted all tile, that is also my choice as a renter. He has no right to meet me and then be telling me where I should be walking at night or what times. I understand I shouldn't be blasting loud music and jumping around at 2am. I am a respectful person. But this man seemed even annoyed that he could hear me walking barefoot around my room to dress and climb into my bed. I should not have to tip toe and be a mouse in my own place of comfort. This man also told me that the girl who used to live in my place did not like him. I wonder why? He seems to want to chronically complain. I am a great tenant and am out a lot. Even when I am home, I am usually quietly sitting by myself reading or taking a shower.

 

This man didn't have to nicely, creepily tell me about being quiet. That's what you get when you live in a multi-floor building. He should get a house if he cannot handle it. Last year I lived above an old elderly couple. Not once did I get one complaint from them. And after they met me and got to know me, they told me where their bedroom was, and told me they would appreciate if I didn't have a giant stomping rave late at night. It was an easy thing to do. I never went into their complex. They never asked me to. They never insisted I know where their room was. They told me it was below my kitchen and figured I got the picture.

 

This new man, met me and one minute later was telling me about the noise. Very rude. He was so nice about it, but it was almost fake nice. He was almost trying to claim superiority over the situation that I should listen to him. I was physically and emotionally scared. I was shaking. I have met others in the elevator and none of them made me shake and get so upset. They were nice and welcomed me into the building. I'm scared when I go to go home, that I will run into him. I am not scared in the apartment, since everything is locked and such. But every time I walk over the area of my place that is above his room, I am paranoid I am making so much noise. I am going to leave the situation alone, since it is done and over with. If he ever comes to my door, I am not going to answer. That is not appropriate to be knocking on a single woman's door alone. Secondly, if he complains about me, we are going to have some issues. I am a great tenant and I love the apartment itself. I am locked in for a year so he can complain all he wants.

[GemmaUK]

Wow!

 

 

Be aware that your tenancy may well get cut short then.

 

Good luck!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

OP, so this guy starts creeping you out yet you still follow him to his apt. Right.

 

Look it sounds like your neighbor meant to start a friendly dialogue so that he can see if you would be considerate about the noise.

 

I lived below a couple who had a toddler and they allowed her to run, stomp and jump until late at night. It was LOUD. I went up to talk to them nicely a few times and tried to endure it but it continued. Eventually I ended up blasting music and would bang on the ceiling when I couldn't handle the noise anymore. They moved out a few months later.

 

You should treat your neighbors as you would want to be treated. Try to minimize noise and stop allowing yourself to be pressured. You felt uncomfortable by him but take responsibility for following him and feeling even more creeped out.

[kenmore]

Okay OP, the guy was hitting on you. He's clumsy and awkward. He wants to get to know you better and has poor social skills.

 

Your best bet is to avoid him and when you do see him, be polite but firm that you have no interest in him (don't say it that way, just make it clear with actions.) He will most likely stop trying after a few weeks (or maybe months?)

 

Eventually if he's a pest you can't get rid of, you must file some kind of complaint, but don't over-react too early, you'll lose your credibility.

 

The good news it he's most likely not dangerous. Like another poster said, if he's a murderer or rapist, he'd have to be pretty lame to choose his neighbor as his victim. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but the odds are against it.

 

That said, make sure you start a paper trail. Create a diary where you write all of your creeped out thoughts of him, so in case something does happen (sorry, not trying to be callus about it), there's evidence pointing to him. Talk to others there about your feelings in a non-accusing way to give yourself more credibility over time, get people looking out for you, and get some insight to his personality.

 

Let's face it, there are a lot of weird people out there who are relatively harmless, but just weird. Also, not to put anything on you since you have the right to feel any way you feel, since you are young and alone, you are probably somewhat frightened. That will have the effect of elevating your perception of danger.

 

Of course, as another poster said, your instinct can be your best friend. Avoidance is your best bet!

 

Ken

Edited May 8, 2015 by kenmore

[CC12]

I am not being spiteful. I still plan on getting area rugs. But I should be the one who decides when, what, and where I get them.

 

Yes, this is true. So how about you decide to get the area rugs sooner rather than later? I really don't get your logic here. You've been presented with a solution to the problem. Solving the problem may mean that you never have to deal with him again. Doing nothing to solve the problem would likely mean that your neighbor continues trying to talk to you about it and making you uncomfortable.

 

And after this, if the problems with your neighbor escalate to having management or your landlords involved, you can honestly tell them, "Look, I've tried to mitigate the problem. When neighbor complained about my footsteps, I got area rugs and I did my best to be quiet." It's showing you're trying to be a good neighbor, even though your neighbor is an idiot. You will end up looking so much better than having to say, "I knew he had a problem, but I ignored him because he was creepy and made me mad therefore I should be the one who decides when, what, and where I get area rugs and to hell with him."

 

 

If I didn't want any rugs at all and wanted all tile, that is also my choice as a renter.

 

That's not necessarily true. See what your lease says about this.

 

 

 

 

He has no right to meet me and then be telling me where I should be walking at night or what times. I understand I shouldn't be blasting loud music and jumping around at 2am. I am a respectful person. But this man seemed even annoyed that he could hear me walking barefoot around my room to dress and climb into my bed. I should not have to tip toe and be a mouse in my own place of comfort. This man also told me that the girl who used to live in my place did not like him. I wonder why? He seems to want to chronically complain. I am a great tenant and am out a lot. Even when I am home, I am usually quietly sitting by myself reading or taking a shower.

 

This man didn't have to nicely, creepily tell me about being quiet. That's what you get when you live in a multi-floor building. He should get a house if he cannot handle it. Last year I lived above an old elderly couple. Not once did I get one complaint from them. And after they met me and got to know me, they told me where their bedroom was, and told me they would appreciate if I didn't have a giant stomping rave late at night. It was an easy thing to do. I never went into their complex. They never asked me to. They never insisted I know where their room was. They told me it was below my kitchen and figured I got the picture.

 

This new man, met me and one minute later was telling me about the noise. Very rude. He was so nice about it, but it was almost fake nice. He was almost trying to claim superiority over the situation that I should listen to him. I was physically and emotionally scared. I was shaking. I have met others in the elevator and none of them made me shake and get so upset. They were nice and welcomed me into the building. I'm scared when I go to go home, that I will run into him. I am not scared in the apartment, since everything is locked and such. But every time I walk over the area of my place that is above his room, I am paranoid I am making so much noise. I am going to leave the situation alone, since it is done and over with. If he ever comes to my door, I am not going to answer. That is not appropriate to be knocking on a single woman's door alone. Secondly, if he complains about me, we are going to have some issues. I am a great tenant and I love the apartment itself. I am locked in for a year so he can complain all he wants.

 

You said all of this in your previous posts, didn't you?

[velvette]

I kept telling him I didn't have time, and I was busy and I had to get going and he kept insisting it would be fat and he had to show me where his bed is. I had this impending fear. Yes, it would have been different if it was a woman, but he was a middle aged man trying to convince a 22 year old single woman into going to his apartment alone when I just met him. That is not okay. I kept telling him that I would be quiet and respectful but he kept insisting I go with him. We were stuck in an elevator and I couldn't go anywhere. Even as a woman I would never insist someone I just met come to my apartment. Its creepy.

 

Even while in his apartment, I held my keys out ready to stab and watched him in front of me the whole time while I stood close to the door. Why did I need to see exactly where his bed was, when I promised to keep it down. It is not my fault that my floor is loud in his apartment. If I want to have 20 people over walking around, I can, because I pay every month to live there. I haven't been waling around in shoes, I have been walking around in bare feet or slippers. So sorry if he can hear me. I don't like that he referenced when I slept and woke up. That was rude and uncalled for. I am going to continue to live in my apartment the way I want to whether he likes it or not.

 

I don't want to move, I like my apartment. The thing about this complex is that it is all privately owned. My apartment is owned by a family who rents it to me. I have a lease with them. This man owns his own place. I can't and won't move. I have been more cautious now with locking my doors and windows. But even today I am afraid to go home, because he might be taking the elevator at the same time as me again. I'm just upset because the whole experience scared me very much and I don't want to see him again.

 

 

Its a good rule not to get on elevators with strange men if they are the only one on it. You can use the same rule even if its someone you know and don't want to be trapped with.

[preraph]

amkxoxo, I hope you're settled in and not having any more encounters with your neighbor. He is not your landlord. I still think you should have mentioned this to your landlord to be sure he is aware the guy is intimidating new lessees. He may be harmless or he may be a pest or he may be an old lecher. But the thing is he made unnecessary contact as soon as you arrived and made you feel uncomfortable, so anything further and just give your landlord a rundown about it and let him advise. He surely knows whether the guy has been a pest in the past, etc.

[Trishern]

I kept telling him I didn't have time, and I was busy and I had to get going and he kept insisting it would be fat and he had to show me where his bed is. I had this impending fear. Yes, it would have been different if it was a woman, but he was a middle aged man trying to convince a 22 year old single woman into going to his apartment alone when I just met him. That is not okay. I kept telling him that I would be quiet and respectful but he kept insisting I go with him. We were stuck in an elevator and I couldn't go anywhere. Even as a woman I would never insist someone I just met come to my apartment. Its creepy.

 

Even while in his apartment, I held my keys out ready to stab and watched him in front of me the whole time while I stood close to the door. Why did I need to see exactly where his bed was, when I promised to keep it down. It is not my fault that my floor is loud in his apartment. If I want to have 20 people over walking around, I can, because I pay every month to live there. I haven't been waling around in shoes, I have been walking around in bare feet or slippers. So sorry if he can hear me. I don't like that he referenced when I slept and woke up. That was rude and uncalled for. I am going to continue to live in my apartment the way I want to whether he likes it or not.

 

I don't want to move, I like my apartment. The thing about this complex is that it is all privately owned. My apartment is owned by a family who rents it to me. I have a lease with them. This man owns his own place. I can't and won't move. I have been more cautious now with locking my doors and windows. But even today I am afraid to go home, because he might be taking the elevator at the same time as me again. I'm just upset because the whole experience scared me very much and I don't want to see him again.

 

 

I would be super creeped out by him, but you shouldn't' have got out of the elevator with him. If it happens again, you say NO. I have to go and make an urgent call now. Your not having all night parties there and if he has an issue with the insulation or anything else, he can speak to the owner.

 

 

Could you possibly speak to the owners of the apartment, as you have decided you won't move. I would be exceedingly uncomfortable if you were my daughter living above a weirdo like that.

 

 

Be careful and be alert. Sorry, I don't want to frighten you, but no normal person doe what he did.