avintagegirl Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Hello all, I recently had a coworker in another dept refer to my direct coworker as my work spouse. Specifically she was asking if I had been fighting with my work spouse as I was a bit down in the mouth. ( I hadnt been, I just had some things personally going on that I was coming out of.) I was surprised by her term. Within the last 9 months we had someone also say comment on our "work marriage". It feels awkward. Here is the deal. We are in a very small department, three people and the third is our boss. We work together a lot because that is how it is. We have subordinate people and we frequently consult each other on the day to day running of our department. We may kid around with each other, but in a brother/sister way. There is no exchange of innuendos, or touching of arms/shoulders on my end. He occasionally does - not in a romantic way though and not in "public". We had a conversation less than six months after I started about how dating at the workplace is a bad idea and both of us asserted it is not something either one of us would do. We had discussing other workplace topics - so it wasn't like it came from anything. I do have a great deal of respect for this man. He is great at what he does and has a good heart. It ends there. I am not romantically interested in him and I am 99.9% sure he is not in me either. (One is never 100% certain of anything.) Sadly we get on well, have common interests, enjoy each other's company and going out to lunch. I say sadly because it seems these commonalities have the potential to start nasty chatter. I thought I might resolve some of it by asking others to go with us, so they could see there is nothing there. I am wondering if that didn't backfire. I recognize I am sensitive to this subject. I don't need wagging tongues. One might say go out to lunch less, which is doable. I also try to not be alone with him in say the staff lounge or to be seen walking around with him too much. Is there anything else someone can suggest? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks, AVG Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 The very fact that you found it necessary to have the conversation with him about not dating says that you two have something personal going on. People aren't stupid. They see that. And being his favorite is obvious, and that makes people resentful because they will assume you are getting special favors, like lunch and maybe raises and who knows what else. And it's not an unreasonable assumption. There is no quicker way to alienate your coworkers than by looking like something is going on with you and the boss. So if you want it to stop, you need to stop hanging out with him and ask him to keep your contact in the office only as necessary. If you rat them out, he probably will retaliate on them and then you'll be at odds with them even more. If people have issues with you, they will be afraid to take those to your boss because they will know he'll take your side, or assume it, and he probably will. So it does affect them in a real way and it is their business. I had a real problem with this at one job because I was on the wrong side of one of these deals. Once people feel they aren't getting any justice in the workplace, they will justifiably start finding other ways to get justice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Are you sure they meant anything by it? At my prior work, for some reason we all had work spouses. I originally had a work husband, but there was never anything meant by it. No flirting, we knew each other's spouses, etc. It is just that at work, he and I had to spend the most time with each other. So he was my work husband. Then he moved to another department and the person I had to work the most with was female, so we became work wives. It was just a silly thing we all did at work, but none of us ever thought anything about it since we all did it. There definitely weren't any affairs or relationships going on (unless people were really good at hiding it). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avintagegirl Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 The very fact that you found it necessary to have the conversation with him about not dating says that you two have something personal going on. People aren't stupid. They see that. And being his favorite is obvious, and that makes people resentful because they will assume you are getting special favors, like lunch and maybe raises and who knows what else. And it's not an unreasonable assumption. There is no quicker way to alienate your coworkers than by looking like something is going on with you and the boss. So if you want it to stop, you need to stop hanging out with him and ask him to keep your contact in the office only as necessary. If you rat them out, he probably will retaliate on them and then you'll be at odds with them even more. If people have issues with you, they will be afraid to take those to your boss because they will know he'll take your side, or assume it, and he probably will. So it does affect them in a real way and it is their business. I had a real problem with this at one job because I was on the wrong side of one of these deals. Once people feel they aren't getting any justice in the workplace, they will justifiably start finding other ways to get justice. Thank you for replying. I just want to make clear, he is not my boss, he is my coworker. Yes, the conversation happened but it was in the very early getting to know you stages you go through with people you work with. We were discussing other work related issues and it came up. I saw it more as a pre-emptive thing on both of our parts - not that there was any interest. We go dutch at lunch. I would not "rat any one out" for saying anything as it is a topic I'd like to not draw attention to. I am sorry you had such a bad experience at your job and I hope that you never have to deal with it again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avintagegirl Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 Are you sure they meant anything by it? At my prior work, for some reason we all had work spouses. I originally had a work husband, but there was never anything meant by it. No flirting, we knew each other's spouses, etc. It is just that at work, he and I had to spend the most time with each other. So he was my work husband. Then he moved to another department and the person I had to work the most with was female, so we became work wives. It was just a silly thing we all did at work, but none of us ever thought anything about it since we all did it. There definitely weren't any affairs or relationships going on (unless people were really good at hiding it). Thank you for your reply. This is possible. The person who made the comment is newish to our organization so maybe it was a common thing at her last job. This is an issue I have been aware of since our department was reduced. In our large department as a whole no sub-department is as small as ours and it is possible I am just a bit too sensitive as "work spouses" are just not common part of our workplace culture. Link to post Share on other sites
Jessie1231 Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Thank you for your reply. This is possible. The person who made the comment is newish to our organization so maybe it was a common thing at her last job. This is an issue I have been aware of since our department was reduced. In our large department as a whole no sub-department is as small as ours and it is possible I am just a bit too sensitive as "work spouses" are just not common part of our workplace culture. That could definitely be it. It was very common at my last job but haven't heard the term used at my current place so maybe the new person was used to that term. At my old place it was never used in a way to accuse or suggest anything, so it could have been an innocent comment based on the coworker you have to spend the most time with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author avintagegirl Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 That could definitely be it. It was very common at my last job but haven't heard the term used at my current place so maybe the new person was used to that term. At my old place it was never used in a way to accuse or suggest anything, so it could have been an innocent comment based on the coworker you have to spend the most time with. Thank you for your words. I really needed that perspective. I wasn't concerned about this issue when I started there - I didn't think about it at all in fact. We were a larger department and our roles didn't need to be very collaborative. In the last year we had some BIG changes and it has changed the dynamic 180 degrees. Ever since then I have had this issue on my radar. We are both single and I just figure it's only a matter of time before the mice started the gossip wheel. Hearing your words provides a good counter to my train of thought! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 It's just a phrase to describe a close working relationship between opposite sex colleagues. Let it roll off your back as meaningless. Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 I have a work wife. I know her fianceé. Her fianceé knows my girlfriend. It's strictly platonic. Everyone calls us this. We don't care. She's the person I work most directly with. We don't behave or act anyway suspiciously. We're very obviously co-workers and friends. If it's bothering you, then it means you might have an issue with it, secretly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 I have a work husband as well and I know his wife and get on really well with her. I don't think *anyone* thinks there is *anything* going on between us, even though our relationship goes way beyond the professional and we've become very good friends and hang out regularly outside of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author avintagegirl Posted April 26, 2015 Author Share Posted April 26, 2015 I have a work wife. I know her fianceé. Her fianceé knows my girlfriend. It's strictly platonic. Everyone calls us this. We don't care. She's the person I work most directly with. We don't behave or act anyway suspiciously. We're very obviously co-workers and friends. If it's bothering you, then it means you might have an issue with it, secretly. It is something I keep an eye out for, yes. I have worked in places where 100% innocent friendships were taken way out of context and I am leery of it happening again - which is why I do think I am over-sensitive to this issue. I think that this was probably just a one-off comment and I am overthinking the situation and it is just my previous experience that has me cautious. Thank you for your words! Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I think you are over thinking it unless both of you have someone at home or you secretly wish it was something more. If you're really just friends, who cares what anyone else says? Link to post Share on other sites
La.Primavera Posted April 27, 2015 Share Posted April 27, 2015 I think you have the right to say something. If someone brings it up again you could just calmly state you don't like that term. Some people think it is no big deal which is fine but other people might find it inappropriate or even disrespectful to their actual spouse. Do whatever feels right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Banker Chick Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 I'm another person that thinks it's no big deal. I've heard it used a lot to signify a co-worker that you work closely with. I've never really felt it was synonymous with romance, just more so that you're spending as much time with this person as you do a spouse. I think it's a harmless comment but if it bothers you, then you can always say something. I don't think it's worth it honestly though because it could backfire and the fact you are making a point to tell everyone you don't like the term might make some think you doth protest too much. Just my two cents Link to post Share on other sites
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