What does my boss' behaviour mean?

[prettypolly]

Please help me to at least try to understand my boss' behaviour towards me. I've worked with him for approx 4 yrs, he's bit older and single. Things changed approx. 3 yrs ago when i was busy at my desk and passed him something. He then interlaced his fingers with mine. I've never had that happen before. After he lifted my finger to take the item he went away. After this time there was some flirting, or what i think is flirting for approx a year: smiling every time we talk, staring, long eye contact when talking, and he would look at my lips alot when we spoke. During this time i also began to like him- always professional but felt we were enjoying our company.

 

However at the back of my mind i began to wonder what all this was about. I noticed few times after we spoke he would go to the toilet. when i was talking to other men at work he would often come up to speak to them or interrupt. At a party his friend who i dont know sat beside me chatting, he came over pretty quickly, sat opposite us in silence, not talking to his friend or anyone. At an evening event I smiled at two other older male co-workers who'd arrived and they said hi. Immediately, I then smiled to greet him-he stared straight at me. I looked away quickly as it was too strong a stare. He sat beside me. During the evening i was asked to pass bread up the table. He said to me that I needn't pass them the bread as they'll ask if they want it. During this time at work he would come up to my desk, sometimes posturing or he would touch personal items on my desk and make a few innuendos which I would smile and look down as i felt a bit embarrassed, or we'd be talking, but always smiling.

 

Things began to change. Approx 2yrs ago i was transferred office by another manager. The next year he ignored me more or less. At another evening during this time we were back to the usual chit-chat but his tone was teasing/joking. For example, he'd joked that I'd be staying over at a friend's son's house (based on a joke with colleagues in staffroom 8 months prior). At that night out, we sat next to each other and when he was talking he brushed his arm against mine twice, quickly, and then touched inside of my crossed leg (just inside my knee). That seemed unusual. When ordering everyone's drinks he'd prempted my order before i could speak and said i'd be wanting something complicated! At the night out we were talking about holidays and it got round to being single. He said that I wouldnt believe him that he is shy and that he's struggled being single. At another night out many months later, I was joking around about something and he asked me what i dream about. I giggled and laughed this off, but felt confused - he didnt seem shy asking me that! At other times, I also noticed that he'd often walk straight over and behind me in queues, but wouldnt speak. Or he would appear somewhere i was at work when id gone back over to the old office for a meeting. About 2 year ago we were at a meeting and he began praising my description of a process, and praised me about three times. I felt happy about the praise, but also a bit awkward since it was a bit excessive & he'd been ignoring me. However, I smiled whilst looking down at my paper. After a short time i looked up, and a strange feeling came over me because he was still looking at me, his eyes were really looking into me. I smiled and continued listening, but felt off-balance. At a party i got up after his mate asked me to do karaoke- , something i ve never done. He told someone later at work I'd a good voice. When i was leaving the party he never made a funny or comic comment about the singing, just stood there with a "rabbit in the headlights expression" and said thanks for coming, yet he laughed and got his photos taken with other folk at work. Why so formal with me?

 

The offices have changed again and things have been nippy between us. Lots of curt emails, crossed words and his giving orders to me "to do as im told", or told that i exasperate him. Things have settled a bit. An older feamle colleague said to me she got impression he didnt want her around when i came into the room, so she went away. Despite the nasty words, when we were in staff room alone recently (first time in 2 years), he told me he was single and not dating. He also seems to be adding into conversations that he likes things I like etc. Can you help me understand what's going on... Im not sure what to make of it all?

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't make anything of it. He's your boss. No good can come of trying to date him. Ne professional as long as you work for the same company.

 

 

FWIW, I think you are over reading the whole situation. You want there to be something so you take the littlest things & project them into something.

[pteromom]

I agree. Are there little hints here and there that he may have a bit of a crush on you? Maybe. But then there are also hints that he doesn't.

 

So...he might have a crush on you.

 

But like donnivan said, there is no good that can come out of dating him, so why does it matter?

 

If you are willing to get another job if something happens between you, then I would suggest just being upfront about asking him, since he's told you he is really shy. But if not, I would leave it alone.

[prettypolly]

Thanks for your views. Of course i was flattered to begin with with the attention. However, I've never given him any "come-ons". I suppose im wondering what the staring was about for a full year followed by coldness / overly formal and then now divulging about his personal life which is the opposite and too personal? I'm not interesting in dating him as Ive got too much to loose and worked too hard. He can be too controlling and told me i wasnt to leave his room at one stage. Id never be unprofessional. I am however, considering looking for a new post as I feel whatever i ask now is a major issue, and he's blocking my requests or making me wait longer than is necessary for answers etc. On the opposite side of the coin, he'll chat to others but with me its formal or rabbit in headlights look. For example, he said other colleagues have his mobile number so they can reach him at any time. When I said thats a good idea, that would be helpful to me as well.... he stopped dead still with rabbit in headlights and never spoke. I said "oh well, and walked away!" We were surrounded by other colleagues at work so it wasn't outwith context of work at all. Now he is telling me he's not dating and wants children, or that he enjoys similar things to me. He replied at 1am to an email i sent with "love it...lol"??? There have been a few other informal emails too. He's also mean about my aspirations .....trying to limit me...which i'd never tolerate from anyone. I was looking for some guidance on what i should do next really? I'm now only speaking when i have to but now considering moving out of the staffroom if we're in it alone again. Any advice as I feel he dislikes me strongly!

[prettypolly]

Hi, I have known married colleague for approx. 13 months. We work together on projects sometimes but I usually link with staff below him. He's approx. 45 and I'm 37 (I'm single). I work in a job where some have long summer leave, and he has this, but I don't. It is unusual for me to be contacted by a colleague during the summer months, as they are all on holiday, however he contacted me during the summer holidays to ask if I ever need time out the office to contact him for coffee. He also asked for my mobile number as he wanted to call me. He could have called me no problem via the office, but wanted my mobile, which I gave him, albeit not my personal one. He emails me late at night long after work. Emails are usually related to work but usually require me to respond. When I first got to know him (about year ago) we had some back and forth emails after hours with some personal information exchanged which I didn't think anything off at the start.

However during the summer holiday now he asked if id want to meet to discuss matter at work. This is unusual but I said I would pop by him office at lunch time to discuss. He said he wanted to meet in a coffee shop, where we met and he bought the coffee. During this I asked him general Q about his summer plans (to determine the status of his wedding ring really). He shared a negative comment about his wife and her parents , saying he was quite different to his wife in personality. He was asking me questions about my set up (although not directly if I'm attached).

During the coffee we were looking at each other as we talked but at some junctures the eye contact was a bit lingering, not hugely though. After coffee he emailed me 3 times about work but again it seemed overkill.

What do you think he is up to, or is he up to nothing? Also what should I do whilst still maintain the working relationship?

[Nowty V]

Don't date co workers, it ends in tears

 

Don't date your married Boss, it ends in tears.

 

Don't date a MM, it is disrespectful to his Wife.

 

If you like your job I would swerve this altogether, don't respond to contact outside working hours.

 

Unless you want to live dangerously, in which case why ask the question?

[CarrieT]

Hi, I have known married colleague for approx. 13 months.

Is this a different married colleague than what brought you to this site in April of last year in this thread?

 

Is there something about married men that you are attracted to and keep pursuing?

[prettypolly]

Hi,

 

Over last 4 years there has been something happening with my unmarried male boss who is 50 and I'm 35 (and single): it started with him staring at me and not looking away until I do, this was very intense and happened at nights out. After me looking away he would come over and sit beside me, but make comments about a woman knowing her place and be cold the rest of the night out. He also mirrors my body language, either leaning on something I lean on, smiling and looking at my mouth alot when we talk to each other, laughing with me, coming up close to speak to me at my desk. On one occasion he interlaced his fingers over mine and everything went silent between us as I was dumbstruck.

 

He is more recently winking at me. When I talk to other men he's right there, but doesn't speak even though he knows the guy I'm talking t for a very long time. When I speak about a male he brings them down. He mentions things I like and says he likes them. There have been some sexual innuendos. He gives me a lot of praise about my professional work, and stares at me continuously when he is praising me.

 

One day he praised me several times in front of others, I looked down shy, and upon looking up, he was staring into me again until I looked away. He teases me. Sometimes there is awkwardness, like if I happen upon him unexpectedly he is like rabbit in headlights, yet he acts 'cool' and laid back at other times. We seem to bump into each other alone sometimes around the office or at social functions.

 

At social function we ended up sitting next to each other and he touched the inside of my crossed knee when talking to me. I was wearing tights but it caught me unawares as no man has ever touched me there accidently, or at all. At a big party he seemed to be looking across the hall directly at me. At a buffet table he came straight across to reach for something in front of me a=on the table, and brushed his arm against my side midriff. He has winked at me upon him leaving a gathering. I always wonder if its just an accident with the touch, but no other male needed to touch me.

 

I should also add during a day when we were moving furniture around the offices, I asked if someone could move the table towards me more and he pushed the table towards me, but kept pushing it into my stomach as I was seated opposite him. He didn't stop pushing and so we ended up resisting each other until I said to stop- it was so crazy! He never spoke to me at all that day and that evening said I was 'complicated'. At staff things where ive to talk out, he often has a comment to make, either a 'oh dear' - in attempt at humour, or makes a comment if technology fails me, such as 'it didn't turn out so well did it?'.

 

A colleague noted to me that she felt she was not wanted when we were talking a while ago. I asked who gave her that feeling and she said he did by not acknowledging her when she was in our conversation, so she left. I ve noticed that when we do engage in the smiling, laughing and looking at each others' mouths, he sometimes leaves and goes straight to the toilet. What is he doing?

More recently he has been overly cold to me about elderly relatives being ill. When I asked him about it, he says he wouldn't be cold to me or mean- but he was.

 

He also says that he wants me to come to him and seek his advice, he will not come to me, and he said that I use him emotionally and he doesn't like it. He said we'll always have hotspots in our relationship. These points weren't even relevant to the illness of my elderly relatives, but about him, and something he felt was important, which I'm unsure where he is coming from? Its like he hates me! Does he hate me deep down?

 

After exchanging these words, he then comes and joins the conversation I'm having with someone, rather than visit another group with male colleagues whom he always talks and banters with, but he come to the group I'm in and take over the conversation. Again when I mention another man / celebrity - he only pulls the other man down.

Its like he wants to completely control me or something. I just don't know anymore and wanted some opinions from those older men perhaps who may know what he's about.

 

It's been going on for so long I sometimes feel anxious but tell myself to just be myself and take care of myself. What do you think his behaviors suggest? What does he want from me? I'm an excellent worker and that's been confirmed by many.

Edited July 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs and 3 threads merged ~6

[Nowty V]

This boss was married in the thread you just started in the other forum

[prettypolly]

Thanks, I suppose I'm wondering if folks think it is an intentional attempt by him to make something happen, or if I'm reading something into nothing, although with his slight criticism of his wife at the first coffee, I do wonder... Any thoughts?

[prettypolly]

Is this a different married colleague than what brought you to this site in April of last year in this thread?

 

Is there something about married men that you are attracted to and keep pursuing?

No my last thread last year would have been about my boss (unmarried)- that is an ongoing saga too. I've not been on this site since last year, so a bit rusty with quick reply buttons.

 

 

Any thoughts are most welcome about the married colleague. I'm not attracted, but do wonder if my social skills and pleasantness are being misconstrued by men.

[prettypolly]

No my last thread last year would have been about my boss (unmarried)- that is an ongoing saga too. I've not been on this site since last year, so a bit rusty with quick reply buttons.

 

 

Any thoughts are most welcome about the married colleague. I'm not attracted, but do wonder if my social skills and pleasantness are being misconstrued by men.

 

 

 

one thread is ab out my married colleague - and the other thread in the general relationships forum is about my unmarried boss (I may have posted about him last year). Seeking advice and views on both.

[Robert]

Moderator note: Since three threads were written about the same type of situations at a workplace, we have merged those three threads for context and advice can be given as a whole in this thread.

 

Thanks,

~6

[GorillaTheater]

one thread is ab out my married colleague - and the other thread in the general relationships forum is about my unmarried boss (I may have posted about him last year). Seeking advice and views on both.

 

 

The common denominator seems to be obsessive interest in whether these different men are interested in you. Based on what you've laid out, it's difficult to say. Personally, I'm interested in why you're so interested.

[prettypolly]

The common denominator seems to be obsessive interest in whether these different men are interested in you. Based on what you've laid out, it's difficult to say. Personally, I'm interested in why you're so interested.

 

I'm interested in the very recent married colleague's motivations as I this will change I respond to him to nip anything in the bud. I'm not experienced n any of these areas so seeking advice whether I need to be alert to a slippery path or not. Also why would this guy attach himself to me?

 

 

With regards to my boss, I ask again as the relationship stuff has continued (which has distressed me actually), but unfortunately, seems to have gotten worse more recently with his coldness about the illness of elderly relatives and him saying I am using him emotionally! With this situation, I'm concerned (more so than I was before) to know what folk think is going on, as I may have to look for another job. I'm not taking it to HR as I'm not having that attached to my name /reputation. I just want to know essentially what folk think is his game plan, and what I can do to try to smooth things over to get peace at work or at least until another job eventually comes up.

 

 

Other insights are what I'd be grateful for?

[standtall]

Nothing is going on. He is your boss and isn't interested.

[stillafool]

I'm interested in the very recent married colleague's motivations as I this will change I respond to him to nip anything in the bud. I'm not experienced n any of these areas so seeking advice whether I need to be alert to a slippery path or not. Also why would this guy attach himself to me?

 

 

 

When I read your opening thread I thought you were about 22 or 23. You are 37 and have no experience with men to the point that you don't know when someone is interested in you? Have you ever had a boyfriend?

 

I don't know about your boss but this other guy doens't seem interested romantically.

[anika99]

The proper way to deal with your married coworker is to keep your interactions professional. Do not listen to him talk about his marital woes or make disparaging comments about his wife. Talking poorly about his wife to a female coworker is gross and you engaging in that kind of talk with him is gross. Keep it professional.

 

Your boss may enjoy the occasional flirtation with you as a way to boost his ego or just to have fun at work but he has no real romantic interest in you. I think you should stop memorizing every detail of every interaction you have with him and then obsessing over possible hidden meanings. Your asking us what he's doing in the bathroom? Good grief, put your time to better use then thinking about what your boss is doing in the bathroom. The way you play such close attention to every minor detail of every interaction you have with him makes me think you have a crush and you want to believe he wants you. He enjoys flirting with you occasionally because it's fun but that's all. He doesn't want to marry and have babies with you. Do you have a social life outside of work?

[prettypolly]

Thanks for all the feedback. Of course I have a social life after work. Reasons for perhaps over thinking my boss' behaviour is that it continues to happen despite my trying to keep professional and the touching is unacceptable. I'm between rock and hard place as I've tried to keep my distance, ignoring etc but it sneaks in. I'm not prepared to call him on it as I need my job and my reputation to remain pristine for my future, so have decided to leave. I'm waiting on other coming up.

My older boss certainly should look at himself if he's been flirting for an ego boost for many years with a younger single employee, particularly when there is power dynamic at play. Again regardless of my age, ive never been in this position before in any job I've had either and wouldn't wish it in my enemy. Of course a female gets flattered by attention but when that attention continues over the years it wears you down to the point of hatred. My lessons from this are that its impossible to win when your boss stares, touched or hovers around you making personal connections, overly complimentary and sexual innuendos. I've tried but the lesson- leave. Keeping it to yourself and not confiding in others or Seeking advice on networks like this are very limited in the constructive advice on practical ways to try to manage it all.

 

Since last contact the married colleague has now crossed a line emailing me whilst on his family hols very late into the night abc seeking to est conversation about my personal life. I have not responded and never have taken part in negative talk about his wife- and just wouldn't. regardless of my age, I've never had any such contact with a married man and don't intend to start now.

Thank you for the wide and varied comments.

[preraph]

Look, if you really want the covert touching or winking or whatever to stop, bust him out loud for it as soon as he does it, laughing but where other people hear. "MR. SMITH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "MR. SMITH, WHY DO YOU KEEP WINKING AT ME?"

 

You're too passive and he's taking advantage of it.