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Fellow colleague dislikes me?


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goldengirl11

Hi, this might sound a bit petty to bring up, but it's been niggling at me for months, so thought I would ask for advice. There is another female colleague in my office who works two says a week, who is a similar age to myself and who I would describe as being on friendly terms with, but not in a close way. I have worked there for just over two years now and she has been there a lot longer and have never had any obvious problem with her. In fact I am very easy going, nice to everyone, if a bit of a doormat at times i.e quite a people pleaser I guess, so would hate to think she disliked me. However, we are still not friends on FB, which wouldn't normally bother me, but she is with several other people at work, including in the same office, who she hasn't known for as long. I have sent her two friend requests before, first of which I cancelled as didn't hear anything (was pending), so a few months later tried again, but it is still pending, despite her recently adding a fellow colleague (who I'm good friends with). About six weeks ago I went to her 40th birthday party which she invited me to, when gave her a card and present, when afterwards I wanted to drop her a line to thank her for a good night, but couldn't as we're not friends. Where do I go from here? I wouldn't send her another friend request though as don't want to look annoying or desperate. Thanks

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It's FB. You go no where. You continue to interact with her in person at work & you don't worry about FB.

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Did she send you a note thanking you for the card and gift?

 

if not, I would simply suggest pulling back a bit and quit trying so hard.

It's clear you'd love to be her friend, but it seems she doesn't feel the same way.

 

And that's just something you're going to have to accept.

 

we can't like everyone, and we can't expect everyone to like us, no matter how nice we are.

 

If you're a 'people-pleaser' to some others, this comes across as being a bit needy, and it can even smack of quiet desperation.

 

You need to be a little bit more aloof and step back a bit....

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You have to just drop it. You're at work. It would be unprofessional in the extreme to pursue pushing a relationship.

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Have you asked her about it? I was in a similar situation. I sent 2 fb requests to a co-worker-someone that I occasionally have small talk with and have known for 5 years, but for some reason-she ignored my requests, but I see that she added other people that she recently became buddies at work. My profile picture is clear..so I don't know what her deal is.

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goldengirl11
Have you asked her about it? I was in a similar situation. I sent 2 fb requests to a co-worker-someone that I occasionally have small talk with and have known for 5 years, but for some reason-she ignored my requests, but I see that she added other people that she recently became buddies at work. My profile picture is clear..so I don't know what her deal is.

 

No I haven't asked her about it, as didn't want to cause a problem! These are just my personal thoughts. I don't plan to talk to her about it either and several other colleagues have added me as s friend on FB, so I try and tell myself that it's her loss! Also she seems very smug about her personal life e.g loved up etc, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise! Thanks

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goldengirl11
Did she send you a note thanking you for the card and gift?

 

if not, I would simply suggest pulling back a bit and quit trying so hard.

It's clear you'd love to be her friend, but it seems she doesn't feel the same way.

 

And that's just something you're going to have to accept.

 

we can't like everyone, and we can't expect everyone to like us, no matter how nice we are.

 

If you're a 'people-pleaser' to some others, this comes across as being a bit needy, and it can even smack of quiet desperation.

 

You need to be a little bit more aloof and step back a bit....

 

Hi, thanks for your reply. I have pulled back and only gave her a card and present (small photo album) because she'd invited me to her party. Otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. But she didn't give me a thankyou card no, just thanked me at the time (but was opening her presents later).

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I know how you feel Goldengirl11. You can see from my post entitled "nobody will talk to me" that I have been going through similar acceptance issues. I am a people person too (I prefer that term over people pleaser, because I am not really out to please them other than my clients, but just to get to know them and hopefully strike a friendly relationship.) I do find it a little hurtful when people don't respond in kind to me as I'm always upbeat, friendly and love to be in a conversation with certain people, but I accept people are all different and some do not wish it.

 

In your case, since you seem to feel her not liking you on Facebook is a personal thing, I would suggest that you once again withdraw the friend request (so FB doesn't continue to pester her about it) and never send her another. If she wants to be friends there, she can send the next request, and you may choose to ignore it...or not. There would be no shame in accepting it if you didn't feel hurt at the time.

 

If that never happens, then as someone else here said, don't worry and push too much. Would getting her friendship put you in a better position at work? If so, she may think that is your motivation. If not, then screw her.

 

In fact, actions speak louder than words. Since she won't accept your friend request, then don't consider her a friend. consider her a colleague, an acquaintance whatever, just not a friend. It truly does not matter.

 

Ken

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Also she seems very smug about her personal life e.g loved up etc, so maybe it's a blessing in disguise! Thanks

 

Then you definitely aren't missing anything by not being her Facebook friend or friend outside of work. Those kind of friends are fair weather...they're all sunshine when you pay attention to them because they like to be the center of attention, and dark and stormy towards you when you draw boundaries with them to try to equalize the connection so that your emotional needs get met too.

 

I really wouldn't stress about her not being Facebook friends with you. Consider yourself lucky. She sounds like the type of person to stir the pot to keep positive attention off of others and on herself only. I could be wrong of course, but smug people are not very trustworthy or sincere. At least that's been my own personal experience.

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