Intrepidcaribou Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 He's absolutely wonderful and a great friend but I don't find him attractive at all. We hang out a lot because we're both new in a small town and the only single people in the office. Besides not being attracted to him, our religions are incompatible and he really wants kids and I don't, also he's from a kind of famous and totally crazy family. What should I do? I don't want to lose him because he's been such a great friend to me! Also, it's very awkward since we work together. If I stop hanging out with him neither of us will have any friends Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I suggest you use your time with him to get out and meet new people. Get both of you going to some group classes or activities and get him focused on someone else and make new friends, cooking class, creative course of some type, any sport, whatever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 I suggest you use your time with him to get out and meet new people. Get both of you going to some group classes or activities and get him focused on someone else and make new friends, cooking class, creative course of some type, any sport, whatever. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that we work together? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 It's not your problem that he has a crush on you, and there's nothing you need to do to fix it. If he doesn't do anything to bother you, then ignore it. Just make sure he understands how you feel and that your feelings will not change. Don't say anything that gives him hope -- like, I don't feel that way about you right now, but maybe someday. If his behavior is out of line or making you uncomfortable, then you need to get that worked out. If you can't, then you're going to be forced to limit your time with him. As a side issue, can I ask why you're in this one-horse town when you want to live a carefree life without kids? Why aren't you out traveling the world and living life to the fullest, instead of doing what you're doing? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted January 30, 2015 Author Share Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) As a side issue, can I ask why you're in this one-horse town when you want to live a carefree life without kids? Why aren't you out traveling the world and living life to the fullest, instead of doing what you're doing? Because I get to live in the most beautiful, untamed wilderness in the world and make a ton of money. When I lived in the big city I made 40000 a year and had a crappy apartment with no window. Now I'm free and live the good life. I have traveled -- madly. But I want to stay put for at least a few years now. Edited January 30, 2015 by Intrepidcaribou Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 Because I get to live in the most beautiful, untamed wilderness in the world and make a ton of money. When I lived in the big city I made 40000 a year and had a crappy apartment with no window. Now I'm free and live the good life. I have traveled -- madly. But I want to stay put for at least a few years now. Oh. Got it! That makes sense. I was thinking you were in some dinky, impoverished town with no prospects for fun or a life. What you're doing sounds great! Carry on! As far as the guy is concerned, how does he act around you? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 30, 2015 Share Posted January 30, 2015 If you see him starting to get romantic, stop him the first sign and say, You're a great friend, but we're far too different for that. I never meant to mislead you. Then probably you'd have to stop hanging out unless he's really mature and in control of his feelings. Don't try to ignore the signs, though. It's easier to nip it in the bud. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 have you tried just being honest? just tell him you're not interested. or , if you're unable to be honest then lie - tell him all about how you're spending your nights chatting to guys online and then describe them as being the exact opposite of him. throw it in his face often enough that he isn't your type and he might get that you're not interested. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted January 31, 2015 Author Share Posted January 31, 2015 have you tried just being honest? just tell him you're not interested. or , if you're unable to be honest then lie - tell him all about how you're spending your nights chatting to guys online and then describe them as being the exact opposite of him. throw it in his face often enough that he isn't your type and he might get that you're not interested. He's not like that. He's a sweet, gentle person. He hangs out around my desk. Always concerned about my health, buying me little treats, offering to bring me coffee. I don't want to be mean to him. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 You need to make it clear you are pursuing other men so he doesn't get the idea this is courtship. Being cruel is letting it go on too long if you know he wants romance. The longer you let him get invested, the worse it will be for him. I assume he hasn't made any moves yet, so just be sure you talk about some guy you're interested in or whatever to let him know that you don't view him that way. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 He's not like that. He's a sweet, gentle person. He hangs out around my desk. Always concerned about my health, buying me little treats, offering to bring me coffee. I don't want to be mean to him. well, you are being mean by leading him on, aren't you? maybe you are one of those women that needs constant attention from a guy to make you feel better about yourself. either way you're already being 'mean' 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sharkbite0 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) people need to stop lying, and start living all those dumb quotes that everyone gets tattooed to their bodies nowadays. Live your life, treat others with respect as it is earned and not given (as people say), treat others the way you want to be treated, The bottom line is, the truth can hurt ...but its the best choice for situations like these. At the end of the day, he'll still be your friend, even if it takes a little bit to get over, because you didn't lie and any decent person should respect that, even if its not the truth they wanted to hear. and as far as working together, its not that bad...imagine if you were in a relationship for years and broke up with that guy and had to work together, this is nothing! suck it up and do the right thing! I know this is a little hard headed but it's true....when girls don't let you know they are not interested and you're constantly buying them stuff and going the extra mile for them, It sucks a lot more the longer it goes on...and the lies usually get figured out, like if you said "i'm not looking to date anyone right now" after he asks you out or something like that. Then you end up meeting someone....then you have 100% lost him as a friend. Do the right thing! and good luck! Edited February 1, 2015 by sharkbite0 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Is it possible that this guy just hasn't quite learned the ropes, when it comes to reading people and being rejected? I don't know how old you (both) are, but think back on college guys you may have rebuffed. Typically, men at that age get angry or embarrassed and stop being friends for a little while, but then if the friendship was real and there's opportunity to continue it, they often come back around. (Women too for that matter, probably.) This man might be similar, if he's inexperienced. If this guy's family is crazy then he may not know how to deal with realities or disappointments too well. I just think that whatever happens, there's going to be some moment of rejection. That moment may come when you have a talk with him, or it may come when he's sitting in his house at night and your lack of interest dawns on him. I'd be disinclined to bring it up and embarrass him, unless you find that you just have to. If he wants kids, he'll pursue someone else when it's not happening with you. The trick is not giving him romantic cues just out of politeness and some fear that you'll break his heart. Like I said, that ego-cracking moment is likely coming, and I think your friendship can still weather it even if there's an awkward few months. Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Intrepidcaribou, you never explained exactly why you're sure he has a crush on you. Has he been very obviously pursuing you? Has he come out and confessed his feelings? I've been in a couple situations like this, and I've found it best to make the boundaries totally clear. Don't flirt with him or be affectionate in any way, and shut it down if he does anything like that to you. Don't put yourself in situations where you're alone together late at night (especially when you're drinking). Talk very openly about other guys you have crushes on, or dates that you go on. It may sound a little harsh, but you really don't want to be leading him on in ANY way. And if he ever gets more direct in showing you his feelings, you'll want to be just as direct in telling him there's no chance for anything beyond friendship. Ever. At the same time, I don't think it's necessarily healthy for two single people of the opposite sex to be hanging out all the time when one of the parties has an unrequited crush on the other. So you'll probably need to cut back on that a bit, even if it means more alone time. It would probably be good for both of you to work on developing other friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
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