how to improve relationship with coworkers?

[lauren13]

Hi,

 

I'm in need of some suggestions on how to improve the relationship with my coworkers.

 

Situation: I work in sports and most of my coworkers are men (>85%) ..there's only one more woman on my immediate team. I've been with the organization for a bit over 2 years now but people I was closest with recently left. Also; I'm the youngest person on the team (in my mid/late 20s, while everyone else is over 35). I'm usually very outgoing and don't particularly have problems coming up with topics to discuss etc however this has been slightly more difficult with my coworkers. They are in a very different stage in life than I am - they are married, with kids etc and we have very little in common to talk about.

 

Recently at all the "team bonding" times all we talked about was buying houses, renovation, kids and their wives - where I didn't have much to add as I don't have any experience in any. Sometimes they would also meet up after work for happy hours or have lunch together but wouldn't invite me to tag along (I tried taking the initiative a couple of times & invite them, but I never get an invite back).

 

I'm starting to feel like I'm not really a part of the group outside my role/position and it's starting to feel like I'm going to work just to do the work I'm supposed to do, while it used to feel different because I had some real friendships with the coworkers that left.

 

I love my job and I really want to make an effort with the guys, I just don't really know how to? Given our schedule is often not general 9-5, it's quite important to me to be close with some people at least.

 

Thanks!

[preraph]

They may not want you out with them because they may not be comporting themselves as gentlemen and don't want you to know it. I can't believe they're spending that much time talking about kids and the wife. Usually the men I worked with don't do that, but the women all do, but mostly about the kids. I think all you can do is be nice to them and see if they eventually come around. Wish I had better advice, but it's not easy to break into a boys club.

[jellybean89]

Well, they may just not want to hang out with 'the girl' on the team...and seeing as they are married and such, it won't look good having you with them. It could be considered inappropriate.

 

I wouldn't worry about it - as long as you are doing your job, that's what matters. Quite honestly, why would you want to socialize with people you work all day with? That's limiting yourself. Keep them as co-workers, not drinking buddies or bar hopping buddies. Go to work, do your job and then go about your life. Things were different before, when your friends worked there, and like life, things change. Go with the flow.

[Tiger Lily]

I agree with jellybean in that it might be inappropriate for married men to form friendships with women outside of work.

 

Personally, in my own job experience, there have been times when I've had work groups with many people I consider peers/friends, and other times when I was more alone in the group. And at your age, I remember thinking more like you, that making friends at work was more important for myself and for my career.

 

I think you might benefit from changing your outlook a little. Your job really is just that: a job. If you make friendships at work, great! But it's a nice extra, not the main reason for being there. Doing your job well is what really counts, and eventually leads to great reward (career-wise, and even with respect from co-workers).

 

Though, unlike jellybean, I have made great long-lasting friendships through work. I can't imagine not making some friendships though work (if one so desires). We spend so much time together, it's bound to happen once in a while!

[lauren13]

Well, they may just not want to hang out with 'the girl' on the team...and seeing as they are married and such, it won't look good having you with them. It could be considered inappropriate.

 

I wouldn't worry about it - as long as you are doing your job, that's what matters. Quite honestly, why would you want to socialize with people you work all day with? That's limiting yourself. Keep them as co-workers, not drinking buddies or bar hopping buddies. Go to work, do your job and then go about your life. Things were different before, when your friends worked there, and like life, things change. Go with the flow.

 

I'd want to socialize more mainly because:

- I don't like eating lunch alone at my desk

- it's not a general 9-5; you can easily be there until 7pm or later or even some weekends so having some social life at work is important to me

 

I'm not saying I want to meet up with them and be buddies outside work; but it would be good to have a better social environment at work given how much time I spend there. So if I have an hr off I'd want to be in a position where we would be able to grab a coffee or a drink.

[preraph]

If these guys are or are working around professional sports people, a lot of them are probably screwing around on their wives, etc. I worked in music, and even the people working around them usually had the same "privileged" life-styles as the actual celebrities, by association. And while many were married, few were faithful. They did because they could, owing to their profession.

 

Women working in that environment have to make strategic decisions and the first among them is deciding not to sleep with or let anyone think they're sleeping with anyone in the company. Be untouchable.

 

At the same time, if you don't have an attitude of tolerance (I found best expressed by just not commenting most times), you can't ever be one of the boys. At times, I was one of the boys, but when push came to shove, there were still activities I would never be included in, like their poker night and their happy hour limo-driven debauchery.

 

I knew of one woman, who had a label branch office, who was sometimes included in those more closed affairs. She was not at all attractive and not young, but she possibly might have been sleeping with an older rival label head who she spent a lot of time going out and drinking with, and I think it was his limo and he often hosted poker nights. I did hear about one incident that went on during their after work limo excursions. It happened at a dinner for a new band making it big who had a classically handsome singer. They were on the label this woman worked for.

 

Her dinner for the band was already underway when she and the label guy showed up late completely trashed. I had been seated next to the singer. We were not hitting it off, but I just continued to be polite. He seemed wary. The label lady was so drunk that out of the blue, she began saying how envious she was of me (I was only maybe 10 years younger than her, in my late 30s at the time) as if she assumed me and this singer were going to mix it up. It was extremely embarrassing, and unfounded. She was blatantly jealous for no reason.

 

It was the next day at work when I finally heard some back story. No one knew exactly what happened prior to the dinner, but the singer would have definitely been hosted by this lady, so some contact would have already occurred, her or one of her minions picking him up from the airport, bringing him to the office, etc. Probably she tried to get him to hang with her and drink before dinner. But the story I heard happened after the dinner. Someone felt they owed it to me to give me the dirt since the label lady had targeted me.

 

Apparently she and the other label guy went to the singer's room in the middle of the night still all f'd up, banging on his door, with her trying to get to him. Wisely, he did not answer the door or respond.

 

I was relieved the story came out again placing the embarrassment on her since due to her drunken unfounded comments at the dinner, it had been on me through no fault of my own. The singer had been on the defensive at dinner, already realizing he had two powerful label people in charge of him for the duration, both of whom were trashed and one of whom wanted in his pants.

 

Working around any type of fame completely changes the workplace rules because where there's fame, there's some man or woman working with the famous using his/her position to obtain sex with a level of people they would otherwise never have access to. Usually, it's not the famed themselves but the fans they can leverage by promising them favors.

 

In all likelihood at some point they will include you in something. Be sure you stay sober enough to comport yourself when that time comes. Other things, you will never be included in because they are secret and they don't want their wives/girlfriends finding out. It's a good ol' boys club. For women to be a part of it, they have to be as irresponsible as the boys and have just as much to lose.

[lauren13]

Thanks for the story! Honestly, I never had any suspicioun they would be behaving that way, but if they do then I'd rather eat alone haha.

 

We work with professional athletes and media; I do get invited to the public/media events (because they need me there) but it does starting to feel like boys club at the office. Most of my coworkers usually behave they way they are supposed to at these events (athletes are a different story), so I never heard/saw/experienced any sex/fame stories. I have a rule for myself to never have more than 2 drinks and to never flirt/sleep with anyone from work.

 

I guess I'll try being more persistent and take more initiatives to see what happens.

[preraph]

Takes time to build trust. And do be sure you're not trying to friendly up with the wrong people -- and that takes time to know. You don't want to be aligned with the wrong people.

 

One other tip. People who work with famous people usually fall within two camps: Those who envy and resent the famous people and those who are true fans.

 

The envious camp is leery of all new people and don't like the ones who are actual fans and are distrustful of them, and they are invariably the first ones who simply use their position to get sex from fans. In my old profession, most of the old-school label guys HATED the musicians and didn't like anyone who liked them. So keep that in mind. The true fans in the business were more knowledgeable and lots better at promotion, etc, another reason for them to resent them. In either case, if you work with any type of celeb, you can never ever act like a frothing-at-the-mouth fan or you'll alienate everyone. Best way to show you respect them is to know their work, whatever that is, but not just throw out more than one opening general compliment or let them see you starry-eyed, even if you are.

Edited January 3, 2015 by preraph