marian Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 (edited) I got my first job at a restaurant around 6 months ago and recently one of the cooks doesn't seem to leave me alone. It wasn't like this at first, he was always nice and I thought it was sweet but now he's constantly touching me and texting me things like he can't wait for our next shift together and he misses my smile and face etc. He leaves me notes at work saying things like you look lovely today and I can't avoid him. He's offered to give me lifts home even when he knows someone is waiting. He's in his 40s and is married with kids older than me. I'm nearly 18 and it's making me really uncomfortable and i dread shifts with him. He's said stuff like he wants to meet up outside of work and I just laugh it off but I hate it. I don't know if I'm making a fuss out of nothing and I don't want to get him in trouble but I don't know what to do. He's said he's bought me a gift and I don't want to be alone with him but it's unavoidable where I work. I've spoken to one other coworker about it and she's said he's weird with her too, smacking her bottom all the time although he's never done that to me but I know he gives me more attention and he always kisses my hand or cheek and says I'm his favourite. It's really stressing me out because I really like working there except for this. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? What do you think his intentions are? Please help I don't want to hate going into work anymore! Edited November 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 It's totally inappropriate for a 40 year old man to be coming on to a 17 year old girl at work. And he's married. I truly think you should go to the manager. Just tell him/her exactly what you told me, that he's trying to buy you gifts, trying to get you in the car with him, etc. They need to tell him to leave the girls alone. You being really young, you may not feel comfortable being the one dealing with this. Only because you are under age, I also think it would be okay to have one of your parents call your boss about this. Once you're 18, though, it wouldn't look good to have them tending to your business. But it is something they might ought to know about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Tell the boss. What this guy is doing is sexual harassment and should be addressed by those in charge. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Tell the boss. What this guy is doing is sexual harassment and should be addressed by those in charge. ...And keep and show the evidence. This guy is doing enough damage to get himself fired. It is a serious enough offence for him to be dismissed. And honestly? Rightly so. Please understand: There is nothing anywhere - moral, ethical, social, legal - that in any way suggests you should put up with this without complaint. On the contrary. Do NOT let this potential predator continue. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the advice to tell the boss or to tell your parents and let them handle it. But I do want to stress that you should never allow anyone to do things that make you uncomfortable, like texting you, touching you, leaving you inappropriate notes, asking to see you outside of work, buying you gifts, or kissing your hand or cheek. If someone is doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, it is very much okay to tell them to stop. This was a hard lesson for me to learn as a young woman. "No" is an acceptable answer. "Stop doing that" is okay to say to someone. Physically pushing someone away when they're attempting to get closer to you than you would like is good. You don't have to be nice and agreeable all the time. What do you think his intentions are? Why do you ask? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I agree with the above poster. Use this as an opportunity to show strength and stand up for yourself. Tell him face to face that what he's doing makes you uncomfortable and to stop. Yes, you can tell a manager but most likely it will just get the guy fired. He's got a family. Sexual harassment is a terrible thing. I just think if you can show courage and empathy(the guy is probably frustrated with life) and get what you want, it's stronger than telling on the guy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I'm sorry you're having to go through this. At 17 you shouldn't be having men so much older than you behaving like this, unfortunately there are a certain section who think young girls can't wait to get with older men. You've already had some good advice, bit if you're confident enough you can do things to make him feel foolish. Give him a nickname. "Gramps" or something. Laugh disbelievingly when he makes these remarks and say "I hope my dad doesn't say those things to girls when he's your age". It depends on how confident you are to carry things like that off. If you're not, it's totally fine to do it the HR route too. You shouldn't *have* to laugh it off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I would respectfully suggest that the above advice is only good if you intend to do nothing with regard to reporting this matter to management. But in my personal opinion, the man has crossed a line, and has breached forbidden territory and crashed acceptable boundaries. It's good advice if it can be laughed off. In this case, I believe it absolutely vital it should not be, and that you follow correct procedure without being seen to be playful, jocular or engaging him in what could be construed as a 'teasing' manner. I'm not arguing with you, Mascara[/b, I just think this man really has gone too far for playful repartee. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 .... Yes, you can tell a manager but most likely it will just get the guy fired. He's got a family. That's just tough. If he's guilty of this, as he seems to be, he deserves what he gets. he should have thought of this before embarking on such unacceptable behaviour. What. we women are supposed to give such guys a break, because they have families?? THis is how sexual harassment CONTINUES. Because women are scared, or worried about the repercussions, and concerned about what it might do. Nonsense. Suck it up. Sexual harassment is a terrible thing. I just think if you can show courage and empathy(the guy is probably frustrated with life) and get what you want, it's stronger than telling on the guy. Nothing will bring it home more acutely, than being told - by Management - that he's over-stepped the line. What 40-year-old experienced veteran is going to listen to a 17-year-old ingenue that he's pushing his luck? He's counting on her naivety, innocence and inexperience to carry on doing precisely what he wants, with no block or objection. That's completely unacceptable. And illegal. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I would just add that in addition to telling the boss, you should also write down your complaint, dated, keep a copy for yourself, and give the copy to your boss as well. It's best to have things in writing like this. Makes it harder for a boss to ignore, and yes there are bosses who would want to ignore it. Then if the boss does nothing, you take it up the chain to HR, if the company is big enough to have that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marian Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 I didn't think it would count as sexual harassment? I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of something harmless, I know it makes me uncomfortable but maybe he's just being friendly? Everyone gets on with him and it's a small company with no HR or anything and a cook just left who we needed so I doubt he'd get fired anyway. I have quite a few shifts coming up with him though and I just don't want to be alone with him or for him to try and spend time with me after like he has before Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of something harmless, He isn't being harmless.. beside the fact that he would hit it if you gave him a chance and that is creepy, he is making your working atmosphere into a place that you don't feel comfortable anymore.. Speak with your boss... Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Touching you inappropriately (kissing your hand or your cheek) *IS* sexual harassment. Him slapping another girl's butt *IS* sexual harassment. He should not be having ANY physical contact with any of you. And it doesn't matter that it is a small place. He has a boss who he reports to doesn't he? If you can't talk to him directly, go to his boss. Tell him his attention makes you uncomfortable and it needs to stop. Put on your Big Girl Pants and stand up for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 Now is the time for you to set boundaries with men who act inappropriately. Just tell him to not talk to you that way and be very serious about it. Put him in his place or tell your manager. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I didn't think it would count as sexual harassment? I don't know if I'm making a big deal out of something harmless, I know it makes me uncomfortable but maybe he's just being friendly? Everyone gets on with him and it's a small company with no HR or anything and a cook just left who we needed so I doubt he'd get fired anyway. I have quite a few shifts coming up with him though and I just don't want to be alone with him or for him to try and spend time with me after like he has before Yes, it IS sexual harassment. It's making you feel uncomfortable. He's being a sleazeball. You need to report him and make it stop. If you're not comfortable doing it, your parents should know this is going on anyway, so tell them. I am pretty sure one or the other of them will help you, but if not, do it yourself. You have to nip this crap in the bud. Link to post Share on other sites
firemanq Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 . He's counting on her naivety, innocence and inexperience to carry on doing precisely what he wants, with no block or objection. That's completely unacceptable. And illegal. My 20 granddaughter got caught is something similar. That bastard was the owner, and a City Councilman. She did not talk to him, she left and went over his head. She visited the police. They took the charges seriously, and made a visit to him. No, they did not break his legs, they just explained how she did not want to charge him with sexual harassment, she just wanted a record of his actions. But, should any other complaints be filled, next time would be more than a visit. I was proud of my little girl. She quit, and 4 days later, had another job. Talk to your parents and think about the cops. And ask to have a female cop is possible in your meeting. Let them start a record. Tell the cops about any witnesses. He is out of line with his actions, and you are probably not the first victim. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) you are dealimg with a single man who prolly has no luck with women, poor giuy, single past it prolly lonely and hopeful, i am not suggesting anger or complaining as a must look, if you are wearing anything too attractive, just change it, and pity a man who life has passed by tell him he needs to join a dating agency and that you and the other girl have boyfs already i have chances to complain, first be compassionate, give him time to think through his wayward flirting one day you will be past it too, give him some dignity, atmo you do not know how lucky you are in being young and nice-looking everybody on this thread seems as furious as if he'd have raped you Edited November 9, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 look, if you are wearing anything too attractive, just change it, and pity a man who life has passed by So the OP should change the way she dresses because this man is behaving in a totally inappropriate manner? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 So the OP should change the way she dresses because this man is behaving in a totally inappropriate manner? a totally innpropriate manner? if he was rich and handsome then his manner would be great Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 a totally innpropriate manner? if he was rich and handsome then his manner wouldbe great In your opinion maybe. I would still find it totally wrong as I am sure many others would. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 In your opinion maybe. I would still find it totally wrong as I am sure many others would. yeah, and i would find a woman who could not handle this diplomatically herself to be totally wrong to promote Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 yeah, and i would find a woman who could not handle this diplomatically herself to be totally wrong to promote I would find a man like him to be totally wrong to employ. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 (edited) I would find a man like him to be totally wrong to employ. you are planning to humiliate a loser if he does not stop after the girls have had a srs talk with him, ok, then complain,tell him you are in love elsewhere, he is obviously sexually frustrated, he might get spiteful, this is the problem and also a male boss might take his side, even just a bit Edited November 9, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Author marian Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 you are dealimg with a single man who prolly has no luck with women, poor giuy, single past it prolly lonely and hopeful, i am not suggesting anger or complaining as a must look, if you are wearing anything too attractive, just change it, and pity a man who life has passed by tell him he needs to join a dating agency and that you and the other girl have boyfs already i have chances to complain, first be compassionate, give him time to think through his wayward flirting one day you will be past it too, give him some dignity, atmo you do not know how lucky you are in being young and nice-looking everybody on this thread seems as furious as if he'd have raped you He's not single, he's married and has children! Plus I don't wear anything revealing, I'm always in my work uniform which is extremely modest! Link to post Share on other sites
evanescentworld Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 you are dealimg with a single man who prolly has no luck with women, poor giuy, single past it prolly lonely and hopeful, i am not suggesting anger or complaining as a must look, if you are wearing anything too attractive, just change it, and pity a man who life has passed by tell him he needs to join a dating agency and that you and the other girl have boyfs already i have chances to complain, first be compassionate, give him time to think through his wayward flirting one day you will be past it too, give him some dignity, atmo you do not know how lucky you are in being young and nice-looking everybody on this thread seems as furious as if he'd have raped you I've seen some pretty sexist, condescending typically bloke-ish comments in my time, but you really take the biscuit. Your type of thinking is firmly entrenched in the 60's and you need to take a modern-pill. Get this through your head: He's a sexist, predatorial older man, who has a family, is married and is picking on someone young enough to be his daughter, making her feel uncomfortable, unsure and unsafe. That is completely, utterly, totally unacceptable and is considered extremely serious - and unlawful in the workplace. To be blunt, such rules were implemented to prevent people exactly like you from brushing matters such as this one, off as trivial, and to suggest that she is encouraging anything and should therefore dress appropriately (because you are thus implying that she's asking for it!) is frankly really unintelligent. How you can even think that an issue can be dealt with in such a cavalier manner leaves me flabbergasted. Please don't bother to reply. I'm not interested. My opinion is not up for discussion. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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