Loving_Me Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Hi, - How can I get this person to stop complaining? I started working at a charity a few months ago. One of my duties is to 'witness' and log all donations that are received. I do this with a colleague who collates the data later on. This takes 20 - 30 minutes. This is a fixed amount of time that we spend together Monday to Friday. Initially we had fun, light-hearted chats but over the past month she was been using the time to complain and to try to verbally dump her 'problems' at my desk. I have tried to diffuse her behaviour with humour and by changing the subject. I have stopped asking her the question "how are you" because this is a trigger for her to start complaining. About a week ago she noticed that she was complaining. For two days she visibly held herself back. She's religious, complaining and being ungrateful for the things she has is in direct conflict with her beliefs - her words. Yesterday she began complaining again. I told her "you are complaining" and she responded with "I'm not, I'm just....excuses". She'll be leaving in one month. At first I thought that we could be friends outside of work. Now I don't thin so. We have some (non-religious) values and interests in common. But her constant complaining is too much for me to take. I am going through a lot in my own life. I have problems that weigh heavily on me but I don't talk to her about them. Why should I listen to her complaints? I bring a positive and upbeat attitude to work and people have commented on how much they appreciate it. I am concerned that a friendship with her would be draining and depressing. I have had to end several friendships in the past year because I realised that they were one sided, with me being drained by people who wanted my advice, support, positivity - in exchange for their negative attitude. I am determined to change this and to establish healthy relationships. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 There is no reason that you have to have a friendship with her outside of work. Maybe for when you work together you could suggest that she might benefit from some counselling or other coping mechanisms like meditation or exercise for stress relief. I have friends at work who complain about things now and then - valid things - (I do too) and then you see them a week later and they tell you how they resolved the issue or things they are doing differently to make it easier to deal with. Failing that I find the phrase 'do the same as you always did and you are gonna get the same as you always got' can either stop constant complainers or make them think about changing things themselves. What does she actually complain about? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Many people do not complain .......and those people often really need someone to talk to......they find something in a person they feel they can be open with and they unload and you are right its not easy often you wont know what to say.....sometimes i feel if i can find something similar i have known about or heard about and bring it into the conversation and say hey you arent the only one.....a lot of people feel alone and what they are going through is unique and its not.......they feel it is never going to end and it will.....if you can use other stories that ended well or the way it was dealt with might help.....personally i would rather feel drained ......and weighted by someone who felt they could open up to me than them have to feel like they have no one to turn to..it is someone being vulnerable so i would get them help or advise them where i think they could get help with issues.... thats why my girls bring their friends home because they know ill always listen and offer help where i can..my girls also ask how they can help friends or what they can say to cheer them up.....friends who unload on them .........if she is religious and her problems are many and complex ask her if she has spoken to her pastor or bishop or priest if you cant help her.....she may not want to talk to a person of faith feeling she is failing it si farthest from the truth .....tell her to talk to them thats their job......they want to help her stay faithful and feel strengthened in faith not lacking, so offer her that advice next time she unloads...you dont have to be her friend outside the job..if it were me....yep i would be her friend..but i understand you dont want to pursue friendship with her....do try to be compassionate even when it gets hard...thats where true compassion lies.....in the worst of times.....in the draining times......it lies there..meant to be given to people who need help in times of struggle and strife............deb Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 You don't stop her. You tune her out & count the days until she leaves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loving_Me Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 There is no reason that you have to have a friendship with her outside of work. Maybe for when you work together you could suggest that she might benefit from some counselling or other coping mechanisms like meditation or exercise for stress relief. I have friends at work who complain about things now and then - valid things - (I do too) and then you see them a week later and they tell you how they resolved the issue or things they are doing differently to make it easier to deal with. Failing that I find the phrase 'do the same as you always did and you are gonna get the same as you always got' can either stop constant complainers or make them think about changing things themselves. What does she actually complain about? I want to make friends with positive like minded people and perhaps she's not the right match for this. I did suggest that she seek counselling from a religious counsellor - in keeping with her beliefs but she said that there are no 'drop in' resources available... I think that sometimes people complain, are offered a solution and have no intention of really making a change, so they continue to complain. That is their choice. My problem is that I just don't want to her it anymore. Her complaints? - Her brother's upcoming wedding. She fixed the bride and groom up - on purpose. And she likes the bride. She complains about all the work she has to do as she is helping to organise things and trying to smooth things other between the two families. - Her lack of direction in life - career, her current job, love life etc - The fact that she isn't married and her potential upcoming engagement...there is confusion here too. - Being tired due to all of the above At the same time she is completely financially supported and also loved by her family. These complaints are told to me as if there are the worst things ever. We all have our own challenges in life but why should I be positive, upbeat, a good listener but dumped on emotionally and basically used by this person - at work?! Many people do not complain .......and those people often really need someone to talk to......they find something in a person they feel they can be open with and they unload and you are right its not easy often you wont know what to say.....sometimes i feel if i can find something similar i have known about or heard about and bring it into the conversation and say hey you arent the only one.....a lot of people feel alone and what they are going through is unique and its not.......they feel it is never going to end and it will.....if you can use other stories that ended well or the way it was dealt with might help.....personally i would rather feel drained ......and weighted by someone who felt they could open up to me than them have to feel like they have no one to turn to..it is someone being vulnerable so i would get them help or advise them where i think they could get help with issues.... thats why my girls bring their friends home because they know ill always listen and offer help where i can..my girls also ask how they can help friends or what they can say to cheer them up.....friends who unload on them .........if she is religious and her problems are many and complex ask her if she has spoken to her pastor or bishop or priest if you cant help her.....she may not want to talk to a person of faith feeling she is failing it si farthest from the truth .....tell her to talk to them thats their job......they want to help her stay faithful and feel strengthened in faith not lacking, so offer her that advice next time she unloads...you dont have to be her friend outside the job..if it were me....yep i would be her friend..but i understand you dont want to pursue friendship with her....do try to be compassionate even when it gets hard...thats where true compassion lies.....in the worst of times.....in the draining times......it lies there..meant to be given to people who need help in times of struggle and strife............deb I am focussed on giving myself advice and growing as a person. As opposed to advising others. She doesn't want to hear positive stories, solutions or suggestions. She shoots them down and keeps complaining. I recommended a book, she took note of it but will she read it, who knows. I just want healthy balanced friendships were both people give and receive and above all - it's fun most of the time. I don't burden others with my problems, I seek help and advice. You don't stop her. You tune her out & count the days until she leaves. Yep. Link to post Share on other sites
Zeurich Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Well I am listening always to the people around me I have no problem with that. I hear people complain a lot about lot other stuff, it is due to the stress they going through, some are good at holding on situation some are not, if some one complains ignoring them is not the best way to treat them, just talk to them and let them understand that complaining does not help instead of finding solution. That I do most of the time,, I am not avoiding people because they complain about their own beliefs,or some other problems in their life, I concern how she or he treats me at work or somewhere.If they treat me bad giving me a big mouth, talk to me aggressively, talk behind my back or bitching about me , then I avoid completely, As you said she is leaving after a month may be she is stressed about that too... I have a friend at work too really annoying and giving advices how to be positive about positive energy this and that,,god is not worth of believing why the world has many wars , where is the GOD blah blah, I just pretend I am listening to her while my mind is watching soccer game on TV ,so learn how to live with people instead of getting it to your head. Don't forget that she never been married and now her brother is getting married and it is logical that she is getting exhausted,frustrated and stressed, if I were you I will really help her with some listening and see what I can do for her or guide her to some where that she may feel better. I am concerned that a friendship with her would be draining and depressing. I have had to end several friendships in the past year because I realized that they were one sided, with me being drained by people who wanted my advice, support, positivity - in exchange for their negative attitude. I am determined to change this and to establish healthy relationships. I have the feeling she might be tired of listening to your positive attitude and advices, ? People are different that is most common thing, Just like you complain here on a social media board about her she might complain about you with some one else with family about you that is how world is. NO one is perfect either complete dealing with them is the life. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Do you realize you're complaining about her complaining? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Loving_Me Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 This week I'll make a concious effort to be grateful for all the positive interactions I have with people - there are many of those. I wish this person well and she'll move on in one month. Peace to you all. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
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