How to deal with a constant quick interrupter

[Radu]

I've been meaning to ask this for some time, as i seem to have a problem with these ppl in my life.

 

Some go for the quick, constant interrupter, but they do it less with ppl of authority over them [though they still do it], while going nuts if you have a lower position to theirs.

I've met few of these types, but they seem to be ppl who are insecure about something; one common feature seems to be that they are short, wiry.

 

Others learn that you tolerate an interruption in what you say, and then they learn to constantly dismiss your pov, by interrupting.

These 2nd types are in a way taught that they can get away with this by the fact that when they do interrupt for the first time, i would let them get away with it, i let them finish speaking, before i try to continue.

Needless to say that these 2nd types are more annoying [because of larger numbers] and are actually created by me ... though i'm at a loss for how to stop it from happening.

These 2nd types are not so quick [i have a picture of quickdraw contest for the 1st and a long accurate aim for the 2nd], but they are resilient and seem to get annoyed if you try to assert yourself.

 

So, how did you deal with them ?

[2sunny]

I allow them to understand that interrupting is disrespectful.

 

You can say "when I'm finished talking you can have your uninterrupted turn".

 

And you can remind them that listening is part of having an effective conversation.

[Yasuandio]

Radu --

 

Turn this into a positive. Listen to these people carefully, and considering some of the following tips:

 

1. Observe them as if you are a Scientist and the "talkie" is a specimen - such as a beetle that is pinned down and squirming.

 

2. Stare at their mouth.

 

3. Don't interupt. let them talk and talk, often you can get critical information this way.

 

4. Thank them for taking the time to share the information or material (or what're with you).

 

5. Nod your head up and down and encourage them to keep speaking.

 

6. See the value in keeping your mouth shut (wish I could so that).

 

Just an idea on a method to flip the situation. Yas

[littleplanet]

I just walk away.

Just sorta.....drift.......over their horizon.

And whatever was important (unless absolutely imperative - for purposes of necessary clarification)........becomes a fading flower - like a soon-forgotten dream.

 

It is often just too rude and crude for my tastes.

Dominating, or insecure, or whatever it is, wherever it comes from.

Utter lack of social cohesion, at times.

 

The obvious thing is that they're not listening. In fact, might not actually know how to.

Which makes for a lot of wasted breath.

 

Although on a stage, with 100 watts of pure muscle sonic power and twin Bose tower columns blasting, and a kick-ass drum kit and Boss bass providing internal organ-displacing bottom end...........it hardly matters.

It's just too much fun interrupting.

[central]

Let's say "John" has the habit of interrupting. I might try the following (the first time or two I might not say anything, to see if this is a habit or not) once it's clear they have a bad habit:

 

Let them say whatever they want, then immediately pick back up, saying "Before John interrupted, I was saying ...."

 

If it happens a couple of more times, it would become "Before John rudely interrupted, ..."

 

Finally, if necessary, I'd speak loudly and firmly very quickly after being interrupted, "John! Please don't interrupt when I'm speaking, it's very unprofessional. As I was saying ..."

[contact1]

You ever watch those political news shows, where two people are debating an idea? Notice that when one of them tries to interrupt, the person that is talking doesn't stop talking. They just keep talking, as if the person wasn't interrupting them. This may work, because you in essence interrupting them interrupt haha.

 

If that doesn't work, you can always roll up a newspaper and wack them on the nose whenever they interrupt, that's gotta work

[Yasuandio]

Radu,

 

I start thinking a bit, my initial post is kind of mean, some of those ismseas have been effective for me in a terrible situation. Here are some more thoughts.

 

The whole banana may boil down simply to ego. The big talker/interrupter (let's go with "John") has an ego issue - and must take stage, even if it means ignoring or talking over others. Even if you do manage to provide your input - "John" will not hear - because he's thinking about what he wants to say next.

 

Of course, Radu has a valid piece of input to contribute, either to "John" (who won't hear it), or the group. Accordingly, Radu would logically be thinking about what he wants to say too - while "John" continues to blabber. This is frustrating to anyone that wishes to be an active participant in a dialogue like normal people. Radu, like his other colleages, has a healthy ego that causes his conscious and subconscious mind to be infuriated by "John's" lack of recognition and respect for Radu's presence and complete capability and human desire to contribute valid ideas to the discussion.

 

Therefore, Radu reaches out here, cause no one is speaking out to John about his out and out rudeness. We know the WHY of "John's" grandstanding problem. But, why doesn't anyone say anything about it? Or do something? It might be a good exercise to study here. Possible reasons:

 

A. People don't want to embarrass "John."

B. "John" may have authority over some colleagues.

C. It is a waste of time.

D. Confrontation fear.

E. "John's" possible anger and/or retaliation.

F. An individual colleague doesn't care to be the "bad guy."

G. An individual colleague has a concern other colleagues may not back him up, and he'll look like he is not a "team-player," or difficult.

H. Colleages do not feel it is their place to correct another colleages that has problematic communication skills.

I. Someone else will do something about it sooner or later.

J. Some folks don't want to hurt "John's" feelings.

 

Those are just a few extremely valid possibles of why Radu has not, and possibly should not touch this.

 

So -- Let's for the assume there really are no other options other than those already suggested by our posters - that essentially shut "John" down, which is the obvious thing to try in the first place. I'm sure Radu has made several attempts at politely trying such methods already without success before posting on LS (correct me if I'm Radu).

 

Therefore my alternative suggest is to turn this whole situation on it's head. As an alternative, when you find you perceive a situation irratates you, and eats at your ability to express your ideas (exercise you ego in a normal fashion), then, then just consciously change your perception. That is taking control of the situation (and saving you ego).

 

Is there 10% of "John" that anyone can appreciate? Tell "John" about this 10% - discuss it. Do things in the direction that might build his self-confidence. Also - I gave a few cues (such as staring at the mouth) that subtly let the person know they are going on an on (they start to think about their mouth consciously and subconsciously).

 

I further suggest focus on positives, rather than his negative issues, sway convos to things about HIM - he will want to HEAR rather than talk (little training and practice sessions for him. (Example: "Hey John, I got to talk to you, that project you talked about is great! What do you think of this model I created? Would it phase in with that project concept? Here it is on my computer! Take a look-see! I really need a good mind to check this thing out."). That is an example of validating "John," but seriously getting your idea really in his face - post conversation. [i had to make up something]. Then later you can say, "John's" opinion is that my model will work with the strategic project he proposed." You know, talk talk. It wont kill you - and you are helping a fellow human being (it's not azz-kissing, cause you are the mastermind, you make this system work for you).

 

Another thought, put yourself in his place (low confidence and all), and you might be more motivated to have patience and use some "creative" problem-solving" in the vein To which I alluded.

 

How would you want this issue brought to your attention? Everyone has an issue. No one is perfect. I would say - don't hurt his feelings with a nasty.

 

Here's another idea:

 

A kind anonymous note perhaps about how "you" feel? Without criticisms of him?

 

That's it. Hope this analysis helped somehow. Yas

[todreaminblue]

say something really random.....they go huh...you go sorry thinking aloud..you can speak.....deb

[Mapper71]

That's exactly what I go through with my co worker. Read my posts on her! If I take even a second to stumble over a word, I can't even finish saying where I went on the weekend before she interrupts and tries to guess! Or where you ask someone else a question and she feels the need to answer as the other person is giving me their answer. Or just some antecdote that someone else is trying to tell you and she interrupts and tells you all she knows on it.

[preraph]

I'm a bad interrupter. I've worked on it and am much better than when I was young, but I still do it if I'm not really concentrating on not doing it. It is very annoying to people, I know.

 

Mine comes from being youngest in a family who ignored me when I was talking. I could be telling my mom something and either my mom or my sister would just begin talking over me. I learned if you have something you need heard, you need to hang in there. If they were both alive today, this would still be the dynamic, I promise you. In fact, the sister still does it, but we correct each other now. The world can't help it that I was raised by inconsiderate self-centered hillbillies, so once I understood I was doing it, I worked on it.

 

The best thing to do is interrupt and say in a level low tone but firmly, "Please let me complete my thought." Do this once, and anyone with a brain will at least try not to keep doing it to you, but it's an old old habit hard-wired from childhood, so say something, but realize it's not easy to change and it will never be perfect.

 

P.S. I only wish I was short and wiry.

[Radu]

Radu --

 

Turn this into a positive. Listen to these people carefully, and considering some of the following tips:

 

1. Observe them as if you are a Scientist and the "talkie" is a specimen - such as a beetle that is pinned down and squirming.

 

2. Stare at their mouth.

 

3. Don't interupt. let them talk and talk, often you can get critical information this way.

 

4. Thank them for taking the time to share the information or material (or what're with you).

 

5. Nod your head up and down and encourage them to keep speaking.

 

6. See the value in keeping your mouth shut (wish I could so that).

 

Just an idea on a method to flip the situation. Yas

 

This doesn't work Yas.

 

But i'll give you some background information first, to show you why and how this process unfolds [it's the 2nd type of interrupter, not the 1st ... that one is so rare that it does it with everyone and less of a problem really].

 

This all stems for me from home education.

I've been brought up to never interrupt someone, yet at the same time my mom is the biggest ************* interrupter i have ever seen.

She will make me lose ideas, points and trains of thoughts, and it has strained our relationship because she constantly interrupts but won't let me interrupt her ... it's rude afteral for me to do it [or my sister]. I think part of it is because she sees herself as the mom.

She admits there is a problem, but won't change ...

I don't want to change the above, it's honestly too damn hard to change an old person's way of being and i accept her as she is now.

 

But this had a bad influence on me, to the point that when i meet a new person, and they interrupt, i will act in one of 2 ways :

- i will let them finish their interruption, at which point what i will say will be hard to continue, or to follow

- i will attempt to continue speaking, and here there are 2 more cases :

--- i will attempt to continue speaking, and sometimes it will work

--- i will attempt to continue speaking but so will he/she [i would say it's slightly more women than men who do this], in which case my damn social programming from home kicks in, and i will start to quiet down, like a mouse ... speak softer and softer and softer; sometimes i will quiet down completely quickly though

 

This last subcase, is what is having a horrible effect on my general relationships.

Because i lose face, and i lose respect.

Men don't seem to increase their disrespect that much towards me when this happens, but women [and again these are not romantic relationships] start showing tons of disrespect.

They learn they can get away with it, and they do it, again and again and again.

Worst, i get treated worse as a colleague by them "oh, i forgot it", "oh, i'll bring it next time", they get more aggressive, and they expect to get away with more.

 

Imagine a line, at a level.

That's where the line is before this sh*t happens.

Afterwards, with men who do this it drops, but with women who do this, it drops even more.

With men, i either control it better, or i can impose myself better [probably].

 

Now, not all ppl do this, in fact this has had the benefit of actually weeding out the as*holes in my social and work circles.

But enough do this, that i know i have to fix it [somehow].

[Radu]

I'm a bad interrupter. I've worked on it and am much better than when I was young, but I still do it if I'm not really concentrating on not doing it. It is very annoying to people, I know.

 

Mine comes from being youngest in a family who ignored me when I was talking. I could be telling my mom something and either my mom or my sister would just begin talking over me. I learned if you have something you need heard, you need to hang in there. If they were both alive today, this would still be the dynamic, I promise you. In fact, the sister still does it, but we correct each other now. The world can't help it that I was raised by inconsiderate self-centered hillbillies, so once I understood I was doing it, I worked on it.

 

The best thing to do is interrupt and say in a level low tone but firmly, "Please let me complete my thought." Do this once, and anyone with a brain will at least try not to keep doing it to you, but it's an old old habit hard-wired from childhood, so say something, but realize it's not easy to change and it will never be perfect.

 

P.S. I only wish I was short and wiry.

 

It's the same thing.

 

Short and wiry [the worst offender of the 1st type is a guy], means a need to assert yourself, especially if you are a guy since you will be judged harshly on your height.

 

I think you had in a way the same experience as this guy i'm dealing with, so thanks for the feedback.

 

I'll have to try that, but i'll need to train for it.

I think i will get an adrenaline rush during this type of 'confrontation' [had and still have a form of social anxiety], and i think it needs to be said in a very calm fashion ... as if you are in complete control.

[Radu]

HAHA, that's a nice idea deb.

 

That's exactly what I go through with my co worker. Read my posts on her! If I take even a second to stumble over a word, I can't even finish saying where I went on the weekend before she interrupts and tries to guess! Or where you ask someone else a question and she feels the need to answer as the other person is giving me their answer. Or just some antecdote that someone else is trying to tell you and she interrupts and tells you all she knows on it.

 

I read about her, i think in your situation that's a mix of being allowed to get away with it over a very long period of time, with somewhat of an ego/need for attention.

[GemmaUK]

I have a few folk I work with (not many just a few) who consistently interrupt.

 

There's 4 colleagues that spring to mind instantly and my new tactic works with three of them superbly, one not so much..but I also am now aware of why that is.

 

How I used to approach it:

Continuing to speak, getting cut off mid sentence and then starting to speak with the question or statement I began with.

This failed. Mostly due to my actual point being at the 'end' of that sentence so my point (or question) would not even get heard.

The more I persisted with beginning at the beginning again in that same conversation the more those people responded to what they anticipated my question or point was to be.

So the conversation went round in circles until I dropped it and walked away.

 

How I have approached it just the past 2 or 3 months:

As soon as they begin to interrupt I do finish my sentence, do not raise my tone nor volume. I also ensure that I am listening while I continue to finish my sentence (the question/point I have has already rolled around my mind a few times so is already rehearsed in my mind so if by chance they are also listening whilst speaking they will hear it and I know that it will still come over succinctly.

 

Next I stay silent and listen to them and will write notes down of things that they say. I pay them my full attention. I also make sure I actively agree with the things that I do agree with (though these things may not bear any relation whatsoever to the question I was going to ask or the point I was going to make)

I am also patient and wait until they have fully finished what they are saying. This can involve a gap in their speech while they are still physically in the same spot and they may either be looking at you or you can tell that they are thinking and all it takes is to wait a few moments whilst looking at them with your pen at the ready for another thought of theirs to come out. Often this will happen and they will then add more to what they were saying.

 

When I reach a point where I think they have stopped I firstly say 'OK' and then wait and think (they can see I am thinking). They may at this point realise I am about to speak so they will interject with the rest of what they were saying but by this time they will likely have given you all of the information they know of the subject which they 'took over' and 'thought you wanted to discuss'.

 

In all of this time (usually only a minute or two) I have found each time that I have learned a fairly crucial fact and a loophole which has helped to cause an issue over the very thing I wanted to raise.

 

I have also in this time had an opportunity to think up a very short but vital question which will change the conversation to the direction of my initial question or point (bear with me here...we do get there in the end!).

 

My one short question (eg) 'So if Joe Bloggs doesn't get to sign off the paperwork? Who does?'

Will cause the interrupter to make an about turn as that was a piece of information given by them just now but right in the flow of their speech to me. Something they possibly didn't consider relevant at all (it's proved I was listening for one - but another point is that they can appear shocked as they now aren't at all sure where I was headed when I initially started speaking.

 

So they respond to your short question and then...they go silent. They were not expecting you to ask that short question and don't know what you are going to say next.

 

This is when they do listen!

 

One other thing I have found that works also is to wait for them to say what they were saying but once finished if I have no short question I then say 'Totally understand what you have said, I agree that 'xyz' is an issue and that it can only be a learning curve (refferring back again so they know you were listening) so how do we resolve the situation we now have where the person running the project is not checking any of the paperwork?'

Then I go silent and wait.

They will then realise you are talking along a totally different path and are now interested in what you know can see an issue right there and then...and only then can it be a conversation....

 

This has taken me relatively little time to master and it works brilliantly just about every single time.

 

The one person it doesn't quite work with is someone who only ever looks at her part of the organisation and will not step out of her job description to look into why something perhaps hasn't worked. She also, and you can tell loses interest in what you are saying once it goes slightly outside of her 'box of knowledge' (if you understand me).

 

I can honestly say that I have never learned as much, nor have I ever been able to get anywhere talking to the interrupters before.

I now get a kick out of it happening as I know for a fact that I will get somewhere and will also get listened to.

[Haydn]

Just say.

 

`Everyone has something to bring to the conversation, in your case silence`

 

Failing that, Gaffer tape.

[preraph]

Here's my pet peeve: People who constantly interrupt my work by talking loudly about something personal to each other near my desk, making it impossible for me to concentrate, and then get bent out of shape if I comment or join the conversation. I mean, thanks to them, I can't work, so should I just sit there bored looking down like I can't hear them when they're right on top of me?

[GemmaUK]

Here's my pet peeve: People who constantly interrupt my work by talking loudly about something personal to each other near my desk, making it impossible for me to concentrate, and then get bent out of shape if I comment or join the conversation. I mean, thanks to them, I can't work, so should I just sit there bored looking down like I can't hear them when they're right on top of me?

 

You need to learn the 'zone'.

 

It works for me.

 

Much of the time I am 'in the zone' which means I hear what is going on but don't let it affect my concentration.

My team now know I 'zone out'.

It's like selective hearing when your man is watching a game on TV.

 

If I hear my name I will sometimes ask whether I need to be listening and sometimes I'll hear my name but I just carry on with what I am doing until I am actually needed.

Much of the time though they have to be loud and clear to get my attention - they know that though and I sit slightly separate to the team so it's easier to zone out. I am the offshoot fifth desk on a square of four desks so linked to but not in a conversation circle.

 

They sit and chat all day and there is no way I could do my job and keep up whilst having to turn around and actually hear all that they are saying.

 

If I am particularly busy I state that morning that I will be 'in the zone' today so please speak up or come see me if they need me for anything.

 

It also means I cause them no offence..plus their chatter doesn't stop me from concentrating.