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How do I know if my co worker is flirting with me online?


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Hi everyone

I am new here and I have a problem that I am hoping you can help me with.

I am married with 2 children and I have a fairly good home life. Lately though, my husband has become difficult to talk with and I find myself often craving more attention. He is not used to getting into deep and meaningfuls about life and I feel like he lacks respect for me in many areas also. Under all of this, we do have a strong love for each other and I don't wish to leave him.

Now, my problem is this... I have recently started working online and deal with one person on a day to day basis. We have spoken several times on the phone over the 3 months, but other than that, we only use skype chat. I am infatuated with this guy and I don't know whether he has some interest in me other than for work purposes, so I really want your opinion. He is also married and a few years younger than me. We use terms like darling, dear, sweetheart because he really is so very sweet and he has told me that he thinks I am too. He compliments my work progress often and says he really enjoys working with me etc etc. About a month ago I asked him for his photo and he sent me 2 different images and then about a week ago he asked me for mine. When I sent it through, he wrote "pretty nice" and a kiss smiley. He uses kiss emoticons regularly and jokes around a fair bit with his chat. I think it is innocent from his side because he is very professional apart from the banter and kisses... I don't know, I sort of want him to like me too, but feel it could be dangerous waters... please tell me what you all think, cos I am so confused. I did not see this coming, honestly, and that obviously means I am missing something in my marriage. Please offer some useful advice, because I know some of you will just start on the moral issues, but I really want to know what I should do... my co worker is in another country and I just don't believe he would leave his marriage either... so what is it then? Could he just be like this with everyone he deals with? Thanks for any advice.

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The whole thing is inappropriate on so many levels.

 

In a professional environment colleagues should never address each other with terms of endearment like sweetheart & sweetie.

 

Emoticons are for teenaged girls not business communications.

 

If you want to pursue this married man, consult a divorce lawyer & get your own affairs in order before you cheat. If you don't want a divorce, work on fixing your marriage & go back to having a strictly professional relationship with this colleague -- call him Mr. [last name] not dear or sweetie; do not use emoticons & tell him to stop.

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Thanks for your reply and your advice. So would you assume he does this with everyone? I just don't know... I have been out of the workforce for some years. Maybe he is just responding to my flirting, or do you think if he would tell me to stop if he wasn't flirting himself?

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Based on how inappropriate it is, I would hope he doesn't treat everyone this way. It may be special for you. That still doesn't make it right & you still need to pick a direction: Your Husband (& kids) or him.

 

Since he's in another country maybe it's cultural but if you don't want to risk your marriage you need to make this flirting stop.

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He is italian, but works from London. I know you are right but I think it is the attention that I am missing from my husband and have tried in vain to get on many occassions lately to no avail.

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Secret Advisor

Perhaps he is in a similar situation and enjoys the flirting. It is probably meaningless from an emotional standpoint, but if it fills a void for you, then ...

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I just wanted to add that I have written some rather emotional emails to him regarding work and some difficulties that I was having from time to time and I feel like he understands me. These are things that my husband is not interested in at all. Yes, I have tried to talk with him about it but he just doesn't register. Is it so wrong that I am taking solace in this other person?

 

Hi Secret Advisor: I agree whole-heartedly that it is filling a void... which is why I pose the question: Is there any harm in that?

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Everybody needs somebody to talk to but a co-worker is rarely the best choice.

 

You are already in an emotional affair with this co-worker. If you value your marraige, stop before things get worse.

 

If you must continue, get smarter & stop leaving evidence all over the place. Also if you are using company equipment or services (ISP / e-mail / smart phone) when you pour your heart out to this guy, know your employer can read every word & in the US would have grounds to terminate you for misuse of company assets.

 

Each one of those soul searching e-mails may also become evidence in your divorce once your husband finds out.

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You really think I am in that deep? To be calling it an emotional affair... I really didn't see it as anything too intense... though I understand it could go that way.

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Survivor12
You really think I am in that deep? To be calling it an emotional affair... I really didn't see it as anything too intense... though I understand it could go that way.

 

Why do you act so surprised? You know exactly what you're doing or you wouldn't be here talking about it.

 

If you are unhappy in your relationship with your husband, tell HIM! Don't make excuses for your emotionally infidelity on your marriage.

 

You enjoy the attention and are hoping that this guy online thinks you're "special". I get it. Just stop feigning innocence--you never saw it coming? Please! You have been doing everything in your power to encourage this guy.

 

Regardless of your marital status, your behavior,as well as his, is unprofessional.

Knock it off before you create a problem you won't be able to fix.

 

Look, it's not my intent to be rude, but I call 'em as I see 'em. You need to tell your husband how you feel & what you need/want from him. If he doesn't listen, tell him about how you're flirting and seeking the attention of a guy online & he will.

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Is it so wrong that I am taking solace in this other person?

Yes, it is.

 

I agree whole-heartedly that it is filling a void... which is why I pose the question: Is there any harm in that?

You need to tell your husband there is a void. Filling that void with someone outside your marriage is wrong.

 

Having conversations with another that are remotely embarrassing or that you could not share with your husband is damaging to your marriage.

 

The best thing you could do is stop being so open with him about your troubles. If you can't tell your husband what you have told us, than you should seek counseling. Why has your husband been difficult to talk to? What has changed in the dynamic of your marriage and what can you do to take steps to fix it?

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Ok, I guess I was in a bit of denial... So if I stop the flirting then I guess he will too, cos I have been encouraging it - that's true, but only because of this void that needs filling and I do like the attention, there's no question. I thought of it as innocent because I don't really think that my co worker has any further interest in me other than just making our working relationship fun and light-hearted. Did I say anything to make you all think otherwise? Not sure. It's not like we have discussed "us" AT ALL.

Re: My husband not being available... he has always been a bit like that. He mocks me when I try to get deep and meaningful and he also has upset me a lot regarding our finances lately. We are doing ok, but don't have money to "throw away" like many people and yet he controls it all and I have no say and that disturbs me. Can it be fixed? I don't think so, but I know him and understand him and put up with it because I do actually love him... but I truly (please don't laugh) thought that this new attention from my co worker was ok, so long as it didn't get intimate and we weren't discussing the possibilty of a relationship between us. Please, and I am sure you will, correct me if I am wrong on that one...

 

Oh and YES I have tried to talk with him re: the finances, but he is as stubborn as a mule.

Edited by TCnTG
Forgot to say something
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I truly (please don't laugh) thought that this new attention from my co worker was ok, so long as it didn't get intimate and we weren't discussing the possibilty of a relationship between us. Please, and I am sure you will, correct me if I am wrong on that one...

But it *was* intimate to the extent that it was on a level you could not have shared with your husband. It does not have to get to a level of discussing an "us" at all to be inappropriate.

 

All you have to do is look at the messages and ask yourself, "What would my husband think of this if he read it?" If you know you couldn't share it with the man you are married to, then it should not continue.

 

Oh and YES I have tried to talk with him re: the finances, but he is as stubborn as a mule.

This is a whole other issue and one that you are using to justify your actions; i.e., "filling that void." You need to take that bull by the horns and talk to your husband about more equitable communication on that level.

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Ok... so let's assume I have done my best to discuss everything with my husband that I am missing from him...

What then? So he says, yeah yeah yeah and nothing changes... should we get divorced because of it? I thought I was doing something to manage the situation, like trying to keep myself sane here, but from what you are all saying... this is really bad. Would none of you even consider doing what I am doing with another person? I just don't see how me leaving my husband would fix anything - that is a whole other complicated situation and so what is being suggested here is to put up with him and his ways, and not have any outlet at all... I don't get it. I feel like all avenues are bad news here. Is there no middle ground where you can just confide in someone else? What is the difference between telling a co worker and telling a friend?

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silvershadowbeliever

I was infatuated with a coworker I used to work with. It started for the longest time just talking via online chat and continued after he resigned to another job. We slowly started not talking as much, but I remember he would tell me about his relationship troubles. My husband and I were having issues at the time. When he started talking about casual sex is where I had to draw the line. I realized later no relationship would be happening unless we were both single and he had no intentions of leaving his relationship and has kids on top of it. As much as I was infatuated at the time, I knew nothing was going to happen and it would cause a huge amount of drama. Just keep telling yourself nothing is going to come out of this anyways. I mean, this guy lives in another country! I would end this flirty banter right now before it goes any further.

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What is the difference between telling a co worker and telling a friend?

The difference is twofold:

1. It is your job and unprofessional and could cost you your employment.

2. The guy is calling you "sweetheart" and "darling" and most friends don't do that.

 

Of course there is middle ground. That is what marriage counseling is for. And individual counseling. And friends, yes.

 

I believe you should re-address the issues with your husband on strengthening your marriage. Most problems take time and effort to work on. I never advocated divorce and I don't think anyone else here has done so either. The fact that you brought up leaving your husband is telling that it is something you have considered, perhaps?

 

What is your husband's response to you indicating you are missing something in your marriage? What has been his solution to the problem or does he not even acknowledge that one exists?

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stillafool
He is italian, but works from London. I know you are right but I think it is the attention that I am missing from my husband and have tried in vain to get on many occassions lately to no avail.

 

Are you speaking of "attention" as in needing someone to talk to? Do you have girlfriends to confide in or are you looking for attention from a man?

 

If you just need someone to talk to talk to your friends. If it is attention from a man you seek you need to tell your husband this. If he refuses tell him you want to go to marriage counseling because you feel if he doesn't give you the attention you need you will cheat.

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stillafool
so what is being suggested here is to put up with him and his ways, and not have any outlet at all... I don't get it. I feel like all avenues are bad news here. Is there no middle ground where you can just confide in someone else? What is the difference between telling a co worker and telling a friend?

 

Why does this friend have to be a man?

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Ok... so let's assume I have done my best to discuss everything with my husband that I am missing from him...

What then? So he says, yeah yeah yeah and nothing changes... should we get divorced because of it? I thought I was doing something to manage the situation, like trying to keep myself sane here, but from what you are all saying... this is really bad. Would none of you even consider doing what I am doing with another person? I just don't see how me leaving my husband would fix anything - that is a whole other complicated situation and so what is being suggested here is to put up with him and his ways, and not have any outlet at all... I don't get it. I feel like all avenues are bad news here. Is there no middle ground where you can just confide in someone else? What is the difference between telling a co worker and telling a friend?

 

I'm not a huge believer in the concept of emotional affairs even though I was the 1st person to use the phrase in this thread.

 

There are certainly way worse things you can do.

 

Everyone needs a confidant but telling a same sex friend is safer. Telling a co-worker mixes together worlds that are better off apart. Do you have any GFs you can talk to? A sister? A therapist?

 

Only you know whether you are better with your husband or divorcing him. That's a personal choice.

 

Have you told your husband that you would like more attention? Have you done anything to get his attention?

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pink_sugar

I agree and I have had a similar experience. Either end this now or sit down with your husband and talk about what's going on and decide on either marriage counseling or divorce. It's easy to get lost in infatuation, but I ended it and decided to reconnect with my husband. Chances are if you have unresolved issues in your M, you are likely to continue these in another relationship. Best to try and work it out with your spouse before seeking divorce due to a silly infatuation.

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Ok for the majority of the population, marriage counselling would seem like a good idea... but my husband thinks counselling is for woosies and would NEVER EVER GO... then... my point is that not I, nor my co worker would ever consider taking this further... it is just banter and the fact that I have become infatuated with him is something that I will try to calm down within myself... I will definitely aim to not use the emoticons and any innuendo from hereon in... but I did ask whether you think he is flirting with me too from the little information I have given here? The reason I am interested to know is to gauge whether this is just something I have invented in my head to escape my marriage issues, or do you think it could be two-sided, in which case you would be absolutely correct in calling it "dangerous" and "wrong". And I may have to do something else about it... like ask for a change in work partners perhaps...

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Have you told your husband that you would like more attention? Have you done anything to get his attention?

 

I have told him many times... he is just so obsessed with work - he is a manual labourer and when he isn't working there he is working on jobs that need to be done around the place (we live in the country and there is always something that needs to be done on the property) Consequently, I am a full time mum to my children and this work that has come up has changed me completely... for the better, in my opinion. I was losing myself in the last few years and now I finally feel like I am getting myself back and this goes and happens... I did not, as some cannot believe, go looking for this guy. He is amazing at his work and just so happens to be a joy to work with... it would break my heart to go back to how I was feeling prior to having met him... Does that help you understand my motives any moreso? Probably still wrong I'm guessing. It isn't as simple as some of you are making out though...

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pink_sugar
Ok for the majority of the population, marriage counselling would seem like a good idea... but my husband thinks counselling is for woosies and would NEVER EVER GO... then... my point is that not I, nor my co worker would ever consider taking this further... it is just banter and the fact that I have become infatuated with him is something that I will try to calm down within myself... I will definitely aim to not use the emoticons and any innuendo from hereon in... but I did ask whether you think he is flirting with me too from the little information I have given here? The reason I am interested to know is to gauge whether this is just something I have invented in my head to escape my marriage issues, or do you think it could be two-sided, in which case you would be absolutely correct in calling it "dangerous" and "wrong". And I may have to do something else about it... like ask for a change in work partners perhaps...

 

Yes, he is flirting with you! Most of the posters here have been saying that already. I'm sure he is old enough to know that sweetie and sweetheart aren't appropriate to call your colleague. I have worked with older women that are old enough to be my mom who have called me sweetie or sweetheart, but this obviously is not the case in your situation. You're searching for an outlet to your troubles and troubles with your marriage are an easy way in for him to hit on you. From my experience talking to the opposite sex about your relationship problems is often an indicator they want to advance on you. My old boss would sometimes call me "Dear" which is borderline inappropriate. He's old enough to be my dad and I don't think he meant anything by it, but it's getting into the grey area.

 

If your husband refuses to go MC, that's often an indicator that he will never change and you will need to decide if you can live with this or consider divorce.

Edited by pink_sugar
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I haven't told him of relationship problems... the emails were about issues with the work - just me having trouble with the huge learning curve... but re: talking to him about my husband, I have only just mentioned that he showed no interest in my new work and that that made me sad... I don't "talk to him about my troubles" - no.

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pink_sugar
but re: talking to him about my husband, I have only just mentioned that he showed no interest in my new work and that that made me sad... I don't "talk to him about my troubles" - no.

 

That's all the information he needs to put together that your marriage isn't doing well...

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