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Married, but crush on Married coworker


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crushing4her

I am happily married for 3 years with absolutely no desire to ruin my marriage. I love my wife and my beautiful daughter. Recently I have been crushing on my married co-worker. It is weird, I could see if i was unhappy, but I am happy. My crush is not happy in her marriage. I find her so much fun to be around, she is cute, and her personality is hilarious! Even on weekends we text about random stuff, and before you know it, it is 2 hours later. At work we IM/email, all innocent stuff. Nothing shady or anything that i would not want anyone, especially my wife to find out.

 

I find myself constantly thinking about her, looking forward to seeing her, making excuses to see her, etc. I know she does the same. She actually is texting me as I write this. I am ashamed to say, i get butterflies sometimes when she is around or when she texts me. It is so weird, because again, i am happy in my marriage. I am not looking for anyone to tell me to pursue this. Quite the opposite, I want people to tell me I am an idiot. I want her to tell me she is happy in her marriage and loves her husband, instead of always complaining about him.

 

This is not going to get easier. We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there. Nothing will happen, but this is not easy. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel normal again, and see her as just a friend, which she is. Should i tell her how I feel? Please help. :o

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lol. you are not happily married if you are so into this coworker that you're spending hours of non-work-time texting her. you're having an emotional affair already and are just waiting to go away with her so you can let it get physical too. what exactly is your problem? you're obviously into this woman more than your wife, so just leave your wife and pursue her if that is what you're wanting. the fact that you'd even contemplate telling her how you feel says it all

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crushing4her

I am happy. I love my wife and I live my life. I think for both of us this is just an innocent crush. We spend so much time working together that I am hoping it is natural to feel this way, whether right or wrong. Even though she complains about her husband, I know she loves him. She has a beautiful family, as do I. This is emotional, absolutely. It's an innocent crush. It would never get physical. When I said bring it up to her, I did not mean professing my crush and wish to be with her or anything like that. What I meant was bring up the fact that it's not normal to text so much, as harmless and in innocent as it is, and our working relationship if I'm not mistaken is turning into a mutual crush, which does not seem right. I would never throw my life away for a stupid harmless crush. It's easy to say then don't, stop it. But it's not that easy. I do want the crush feeling to go away.

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whichwayisup

You're putting way too much effort into her. Texting for hours on the weekend? Turn your phone OFF and spend time with your wife. You are 'bonding' and allowing feelings to grow with your crush and that's very dangerous. You say you wouldn't cheat and you love your wife but things can happen....

 

You need to talk to your co worker and just say you need some distance and it's not fair to your wife that you are focusing and bonding with another woman.

 

There's no excuse. And, don't worry about hurting your co workers feelings, she knows why things have to cool down, she isn't stupid.

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whichwayisup
I am happy. I love my wife and I live my life. I think for both of us this is just an innocent crush. We spend so much time working together that I am hoping it is natural to feel this way, whether right or wrong. Even though she complains about her husband, I know she loves him. She has a beautiful family, as do I. This is emotional, absolutely. It's an innocent crush. It would never get physical. When I said bring it up to her, I did not mean professing my crush and wish to be with her or anything like that. What I meant was bring up the fact that it's not normal to text so much, as harmless and in innocent as it is, and our working relationship if I'm not mistaken is turning into a mutual crush, which does not seem right. I would never throw my life away for a stupid harmless crush. It's easy to say then don't, stop it. But it's not that easy. I do want the crush feeling to go away.

 

You've contradicted yourself so many times in this paragraph.

 

Be honest with yourself and please stop justifying it all.

 

If your wife was doing what you're doing with a male married co worker, texting for hours on the weekend and also so much at work, feeling emotional attached to him, crushing on him, enjoying it all I'm 100% sure you would NOT be pleased about this.

 

Your intention is not an affair, neither is your co worker...The thing is, men and women that feel an attraction and a crush - You both are feeding it and fueling the fire by spending time together on a personal level, the texting etc.. Without you knowing, you're gonna emotionally detach from your wife. It's already happened as you spend way too much time thinking of your co worker. You think it's harmless and innocent, it's not. It's damaging, more than you realize.

 

Please stop. Otherwise you will end up posting in 3 months that you two kissed and groped, and how great it felt but you feel so guilty but can't control what you feel.

 

You can stop this if you really wanted to. Put your wife and kids first. Their needs above your own and imagine losing what you have. Imagine your wife feeling hurt by what you're doing. it's selfish on some level too, so I hope you see this.

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You certainly should not tell your co-worker how you feel.

 

 

When you find yourself thinking about her you have to force yourself to stop. remind yourself of all the good things with your marriage. Read through all the regret postings here in LS from all the people who cheated & now realize what they lost.

 

 

It's a phase. If it's not a phase, get a divorce 1st then pursue her.

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I am not going to say that you're unhappy in your marriage but there's something missing even if you don't realize it. I only say this because I've been/am where you are right now.

 

This will take a toll on you and your marriage because of the time devoted to this crush. Things will escalate right now it maybe all friendly innocent "hey how was your day" things but it only takes one comment or innuendo to change the entire aspect of the situation.

 

I can also tell you it is very hard to let go of something like this because it's a friendship that's grown and that itself us hard to give up no matter what.

 

I do wish you the very best luck with everything

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I am not going to say that you're unhappy in your marriage but there's something missing even if you don't realize it. I only say this because I've been/am where you are right now.

 

This will take a toll on you and your marriage because of the time devoted to this crush. Things will escalate right now it maybe all friendly innocent "hey how was your day" things but it only takes one comment or innuendo to change the entire aspect of the situation.

 

I can also tell you it is very hard to let go of something like this because it's a friendship that's grown and that itself us hard to give up no matter what.

 

I do wish you the very best luck with everything

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Betterthanthis13

"Innocent crush" and "harmless flirtation" are oxymorons...

 

Cultivavate the things you want to grow and flourish (marriage) and weed out the activities that are potential threats. This girl is not your friend. If she is in an "unhappy marriage", why doesn't she get out of it and start dating single guys? Tell her to do just that and to leave you out of it, and focus on your marriage if you are indeed as happy as you say you are.

 

Imagine a year goes by and you keep putting effort into this relationship and your feelings continue to grow? What are te possible outcomes? Cut it out now. Be pleasant and civil and professional and nothing more, unless you feel like blowing up your marriage is something you want. Imagine how devastated your wife will be if she were to learn that not only are you having these feelings, but you are not taking action to distance yourself from this person and are in fact developing a relationship with her. Imagine the tears and disgust and contempt for you in her eyes now, before it's too late.

 

Or divorce your wife and pursue a woman who flirts with men outside her marriage. Your choice.

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I am happily married for 3 years with absolutely no desire to ruin my marriage. I love my wife and my beautiful daughter. Recently I have been crushing on my married co-worker. It is weird, I could see if i was unhappy, but I am happy. My crush is not happy in her marriage. I find her so much fun to be around, she is cute, and her personality is hilarious! Even on weekends we text about random stuff, and before you know it, it is 2 hours later. At work we IM/email, all innocent stuff. Nothing shady or anything that i would not want anyone, especially my wife to find out.

 

I find myself constantly thinking about her, looking forward to seeing her, making excuses to see her, etc. I know she does the same. She actually is texting me as I write this. I am ashamed to say, i get butterflies sometimes when she is around or when she texts me. It is so weird, because again, i am happy in my marriage. I am not looking for anyone to tell me to pursue this. Quite the opposite, I want people to tell me I am an idiot. I want her to tell me she is happy in her marriage and loves her husband, instead of always complaining about him.

 

This is not going to get easier. We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there. Nothing will happen, but this is not easy. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel normal again, and see her as just a friend, which she is. Should i tell her how I feel? Please help. :o

 

I think you need to establish boundaries ASAP. She shouldn't be texting you at home, and you shouldn't be responding to them. I would tell your co-worker that you leave your mobile on and that you and your wife have an understanding that there's no privacy where mobile phones are concerned.

 

It's inevitable that you'll encounter people you find attractive - being married doesn't stop that. You can't control those circumstances, but you definitely can and should control how you react and respond once you become aware of those dynamics. The easiest thing to do is to put yourself in a situation where one thing can't lead to another. If you don't, then you're just as responsible for whatever happens next as she would be, even if she initiates it.

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You're putting way too much effort into her. Texting for hours on the weekend? Turn your phone OFF and spend time with your wife. You are 'bonding' and allowing feelings to grow with your crush and that's very dangerous. You say you wouldn't cheat and you love your wife but things can happen....

 

You need to talk to your co worker and just say you need some distance and it's not fair to your wife that you are focusing and bonding with another woman.

 

There's no excuse. And, don't worry about hurting your co workers feelings, she knows why things have to cool down, she isn't stupid.

 

Yeah, the texting thing is dangerous. A spouse could be forgiven for assuming that it's already an emotional affair. I'm not saying it is, but it could be perceived that way. This is crossing lines already, I think.

 

And no, trust me, I'm not a holier-than-thou type. I don't judge the person, I just evaluate the behavior and, from my own knowledge of life, I can tell you that this doesn't end well. Put up boundaries now, OP.

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If you want to nip this in the bud, than TELL YOUR WIFE immediately.

 

Diffuse the situation by bringing it out into the open before it goes any further.

 

These hours' worth of texts you guys are doing? Is this stuff you could share with your wife? If not, you have already crossed the line.

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crushing4her,

 

Stop This Now

 

You have crossed boundaries and are on the edge of a slippery slope.

 

This is how my first husband's affair started, paying attention to an employee, then drinks after work, then feelings developed........I won't go on but surely you can see where this is leading?

 

We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there.

 

^^^^^^

 

Get some boundaries in place before this happens or you will be sunk.

 

Nothing will happen, but this is not easy

 

Yes it is - you stop this texting business for a start.

 

Please wake up and smell the coffee.

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You need to choose now - your wife, your family and your dignity...or your emotional affair.

 

If you truly love and respect your family, you will not risk destroying them as you are. If your wife sees those texts and realises the frequency of communication...especially knowing that you and this woman have traveled together also, things will never be the same again. Your marriage will be forever impacted by your selfishness and lack of self control.

 

You will beg, plead and cry for your wife to stay with you and not leave you. You will regret it forever.

 

Or, she won't ever find out, and you'll have to live with the fact that you are the type of husband that is happy to betray and deceive his wife for an "innocent crush."

 

They should be worth more to you than this. Pull out from the project, and immediately cease all contact with this woman. Is this difficult? Sure it is. But your wife and family should be worth the effort. You let this go too far, and now you need to correct it.

 

Go NC with this woman, and focus on spending quality time with your wife and your family, and enriching your own life. Get to the bottom of why you feel the need for validation and flirtation with other women, and fill this void in a healthy and productive way. Otherwise...an affair down the line doesn't seem so unlikely.

 

Sort this out, and correct the wrongs now. Otherwise, be fully prepared to inflict serious pain upon people you claim to care about and love.

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whichwayisup
Is this difficult? Sure it is. But your wife and family should be worth the effort.

 

Exactly. Which is more important? Your vows you said to your wife, your beautiful daughter's happiness, their safe home and comfort of a family unit as one or your own personal happiness by flirting and getting too close to another woman. You choose, nobody is holding a gun to your head. Maybe you want both? Many do but it's wrong and very unfair to your wife. Part of being married is, giving up other women and yes that means pursuing crushes and getting to close to them. And before you say 'I'm allowed to have women friends' I totally agree! But, those who have opposite sex friends have innocent and platonic ones and their spouses know and are involved as well.

 

Has your wife ever met your co worker? Have you ever met your co workers husband?

 

Sorry if my words and my posts seem harsh...Nobody wants to see you here in 6 months posting that your wife caught you having an affair with your co worker, or you posting that you've fallen in love and confused between co worker and your wife.

 

End it now. If you don't, you have a lot to lose.

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Reality is that there's a chance you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife, regardless of how "happily married" you are. There's also a chance that the shine will come off if you give it time, and that you're less compatible than you think you are. There's also a chance that you'll stop communicating, and then spend years wondering what could have been.

 

Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.

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Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.

 

So you'd be okay with your wife developing and nurturing relationships with other men behind your back, with the intention to assess whether or not they are a better fit than you? If they're not, she throws them aside. If they are, she throws you and your family unit aside.

 

That's all fine by you?

 

If it is...then you would appear to be a fairly twisted individual. If it's not...then you're being a complete a-hole and hypocrite advising someone to deceive their partner and disregard their vows like this.

 

Terrible advice in my opinion.

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crushing4her

You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.

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Michelle ma Belle

You wanted to hear it so here it is...you're an idiot. (I'm surprised no one delivered on that request already :))

 

I've been down this road before so I have some experience in this department. It's a VERY slippery slope and one that WILL seriously f**k your life up AND hers if you don't take back some control in all of this. Stop lying to yourself about just how "innocent" this relationship is and/or how happy you are in your marriage. If you find yourself hiding things from your wife, it's cheating and no amount of justification and excuses will change that.

 

I am also in huge agreement with the notion that you must not be THAT happy in your marriage if this is going on. Something must be lacking. To continue down this "innocent" path with another woman will only rob your wife and child of YOU as time goes on. Trust me on this.

 

Regardless, this seems to be a mute point since you seem to be in agreement with the great advice and honest feedback posted already.

 

Good luck.

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Yes, it's normal to have a crush. What isn't normal and wrong is the fact that you still talk to this woman after you realized you're developing feelings for her. That's when you stop before it gets too far. Stop talking to this woman so much and keep it strictly business.

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whichwayisup
Reality is that there's a chance you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife, regardless of how "happily married" you are. There's also a chance that the shine will come off if you give it time, and that you're less compatible than you think you are. There's also a chance that you'll stop communicating, and then spend years wondering what could have been.

 

Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.

 

This is really bad advice.

If you even at all are considering this, then be upfront and honest with your wife and allow her to make a decision if SHE wants to let go explore another woman and a life outside of the marriage. To go ahead and take this posters advice is the wrong way of dealing this.

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whichwayisup
You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.

 

It didn't just happen, you put a lot of effort into this co worker, spending time and bonding with her. Though I do believe your intentions are not to go cheat on your wife. I believe that you don't know how easy it is to let feelings develop for someone else. Now that you're aware of this, it's time to set up boundaries and rules, meaning, no more texting on the weekends/nights when you are supposed to be with your family. This woman is a co worker, leave it at that. She doesn't know your wife, your daughter and nor is she a part of your personal daily life, a family friend.

 

You never did answer what I asked earlier, if your wife was doing this, had a close male friend at work and was crushing on him, thinking of him too much, attracted to him, how would you feel?

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You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.

 

It's not sexual yet. But it can escalate in a hurry.

 

I would set boundaries. You don't have to be a jerk about it either. Just set it up so that you know you can't get yourself in trouble. Above all, make sure your wife knows that this woman exists. Then make sure she's not a 'threat' by just putting all the chips on the table. Make sure she's got your pass code to your phone. And I'd probably not answer any texts or emails from here when at home unless it's an urgent matter. Keep everything in the open.

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Standard-Fare

1. I think a lot of people are being pretty harsh in jumping down the OP's throat when he's been nothing but completely honest. So he's developed a crush. He didn't mean to. It's part of life, it happens to all of us, married or not.

 

He seems genuinely intent on not allowing himself to get carried away or let this impact his marriage. But it's hard, and he's just being honest about that. Don't castigate him.

 

2. To the OP: The others are right, though, that you just need to cut it out with the constant communication. I'd recommend a "tapering off" with the texts and emails, where your responses get more sporadic and infrequent. Don't let her get used to you being right at her beckon call every time she reaches out. That's just not the type of attention you should be giving her.

 

She'll notice that you're withdrawing, for sure, and yes it will probably sting. You might even get some kind of icy reaction. But if she's a reasonable lady she'll eventually get the picture and stop being so in your face. And you won't even need to have a conversation about it.

 

As far as seeing her at work, that's inevitable, and if it gives you those little fluttery feelings, I think it's pretty harmless unless you're planning your day around it and daydreaming about it later.

 

When/if you do end up traveling together, make sure you keep yourself busy at all times when you're not working together and make it clear you guys won't be doing any intense bonding.

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