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Married, but crush on Married coworker


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Old 1st April 2014, 5:35 AM   #16
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Reality is that there's a chance you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife, regardless of how "happily married" you are. There's also a chance that the shine will come off if you give it time, and that you're less compatible than you think you are. There's also a chance that you'll stop communicating, and then spend years wondering what could have been.

Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.
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Old 1st April 2014, 6:49 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by 3ifbyair View Post
Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.
So you'd be okay with your wife developing and nurturing relationships with other men behind your back, with the intention to assess whether or not they are a better fit than you? If they're not, she throws them aside. If they are, she throws you and your family unit aside.

That's all fine by you?

If it is...then you would appear to be a fairly twisted individual. If it's not...then you're being a complete a-hole and hypocrite advising someone to deceive their partner and disregard their vows like this.

Terrible advice in my opinion.
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Old 1st April 2014, 6:53 AM   #18
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Yeah that sounds really risky and disrespectful to the one you love....... =/
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Old 1st April 2014, 8:01 AM   #19
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You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.
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Old 1st April 2014, 9:26 AM   #20
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You wanted to hear it so here it is...you're an idiot. (I'm surprised no one delivered on that request already )

I've been down this road before so I have some experience in this department. It's a VERY slippery slope and one that WILL seriously f**k your life up AND hers if you don't take back some control in all of this. Stop lying to yourself about just how "innocent" this relationship is and/or how happy you are in your marriage. If you find yourself hiding things from your wife, it's cheating and no amount of justification and excuses will change that.

I am also in huge agreement with the notion that you must not be THAT happy in your marriage if this is going on. Something must be lacking. To continue down this "innocent" path with another woman will only rob your wife and child of YOU as time goes on. Trust me on this.

Regardless, this seems to be a mute point since you seem to be in agreement with the great advice and honest feedback posted already.

Good luck.
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Old 1st April 2014, 2:05 PM   #21
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Yes, it's normal to have a crush. What isn't normal and wrong is the fact that you still talk to this woman after you realized you're developing feelings for her. That's when you stop before it gets too far. Stop talking to this woman so much and keep it strictly business.
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Old 1st April 2014, 3:41 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by 3ifbyair View Post
Reality is that there's a chance you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife, regardless of how "happily married" you are. There's also a chance that the shine will come off if you give it time, and that you're less compatible than you think you are. There's also a chance that you'll stop communicating, and then spend years wondering what could have been.

Seen this happen many times. Let the relationship develop a little, and then see how you feel after the infatuation wears off. But don't let it get physical until you know for sure that you're more compatible with this woman than you are with your wife. You'd regret that more than anything.
This is really bad advice.
If you even at all are considering this, then be upfront and honest with your wife and allow her to make a decision if SHE wants to let go explore another woman and a life outside of the marriage. To go ahead and take this posters advice is the wrong way of dealing this.
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Old 1st April 2014, 3:44 PM   #23
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You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.
It didn't just happen, you put a lot of effort into this co worker, spending time and bonding with her. Though I do believe your intentions are not to go cheat on your wife. I believe that you don't know how easy it is to let feelings develop for someone else. Now that you're aware of this, it's time to set up boundaries and rules, meaning, no more texting on the weekends/nights when you are supposed to be with your family. This woman is a co worker, leave it at that. She doesn't know your wife, your daughter and nor is she a part of your personal daily life, a family friend.

You never did answer what I asked earlier, if your wife was doing this, had a close male friend at work and was crushing on him, thinking of him too much, attracted to him, how would you feel?
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Old 1st April 2014, 9:36 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by crushing4her View Post
You guys are all absolutely right. I know the ramifications of this and will absolutely regret if anything further were to happen. I don't want to lose what I have and love so much. It's not like I asked for this to happen, it just did, out of nowhere. I only want to be a friend. I will start focusing more on my own life and loving wife and spend less time responding to texts from her. Just FYI, these texts were not shady in nature it sexual or anything.ainly work related, gossip, jokes, personal life stuff, but still not appropriate to be dialouging for the amount of time that we did. Thanks for the honest advice.
It's not sexual yet. But it can escalate in a hurry.

I would set boundaries. You don't have to be a jerk about it either. Just set it up so that you know you can't get yourself in trouble. Above all, make sure your wife knows that this woman exists. Then make sure she's not a 'threat' by just putting all the chips on the table. Make sure she's got your pass code to your phone. And I'd probably not answer any texts or emails from here when at home unless it's an urgent matter. Keep everything in the open.
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Old 1st April 2014, 10:37 PM   #25
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1. I think a lot of people are being pretty harsh in jumping down the OP's throat when he's been nothing but completely honest. So he's developed a crush. He didn't mean to. It's part of life, it happens to all of us, married or not.

He seems genuinely intent on not allowing himself to get carried away or let this impact his marriage. But it's hard, and he's just being honest about that. Don't castigate him.

2. To the OP: The others are right, though, that you just need to cut it out with the constant communication. I'd recommend a "tapering off" with the texts and emails, where your responses get more sporadic and infrequent. Don't let her get used to you being right at her beckon call every time she reaches out. That's just not the type of attention you should be giving her.

She'll notice that you're withdrawing, for sure, and yes it will probably sting. You might even get some kind of icy reaction. But if she's a reasonable lady she'll eventually get the picture and stop being so in your face. And you won't even need to have a conversation about it.

As far as seeing her at work, that's inevitable, and if it gives you those little fluttery feelings, I think it's pretty harmless unless you're planning your day around it and daydreaming about it later.

When/if you do end up traveling together, make sure you keep yourself busy at all times when you're not working together and make it clear you guys won't be doing any intense bonding.
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Old 2nd April 2014, 3:40 PM   #26
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I don't know Man, you need to treat this Woman as a threat to your marriage and think of her on those terms. Crushes are normal and dissipate over time once you get to know people better. You need to establish proper boundaries and steer your interactions to more of a professional level. She should NOT be sharing private details of her/your marriage, that is completely inappropriate and will lead to bad things.

Another thing, your wife will NOT be interested in knowing you have a crush on someone, keep it to yourself. It is VERY normal, but something that should NEVER be discussed with a significant other. Gradually decrease communication with this person and make her another coworker like everyone else and you will be fine.
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Old 3rd April 2014, 1:30 AM   #27
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Hormones are way smarter than us for a reason, it's all about fooling us into making babies. So don't romanticize this. Read more threads on LS to see where this will take you if you don't make choices to stop this interaction, because if you want to save your marriage that's what every choice has to be now.

It is very easy and common to be in love with two or more people at once. And this won't be the only time it happens, so get used to dealing with it.

That's why feelings aren't any indicator of of our character, how we act is how people judge us.

Carrie is right, tell your wife but most importantly ask your boss for another assignment and stop making and accepting texts. You are perfectly aware of what you're doing, there is no excuse if you 'suddenly find yourself in her arms'.

Your marriage or this affair. It's your choice. Every step of the way.
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Old 3rd April 2014, 2:02 AM   #28
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If you truly love your wife and don't want to end your marriage, you need to put some distance between you and this coworker. STOP texting, emailing, or having any contact with her whatsoever outside of the office. Inside of the office, keep your interactions with her work related.
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