LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Platonic > Business and Professional Relationships

Married, but crush on Married coworker


Business and Professional Relationships Networking and maintaining a positive environment in the work place is important! Surviving the 9-to-5 within.

Like Tree25Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 31st March 2014, 5:33 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 3
Married, but crush on Married coworker

I am happily married for 3 years with absolutely no desire to ruin my marriage. I love my wife and my beautiful daughter. Recently I have been crushing on my married co-worker. It is weird, I could see if i was unhappy, but I am happy. My crush is not happy in her marriage. I find her so much fun to be around, she is cute, and her personality is hilarious! Even on weekends we text about random stuff, and before you know it, it is 2 hours later. At work we IM/email, all innocent stuff. Nothing shady or anything that i would not want anyone, especially my wife to find out.

I find myself constantly thinking about her, looking forward to seeing her, making excuses to see her, etc. I know she does the same. She actually is texting me as I write this. I am ashamed to say, i get butterflies sometimes when she is around or when she texts me. It is so weird, because again, i am happy in my marriage. I am not looking for anyone to tell me to pursue this. Quite the opposite, I want people to tell me I am an idiot. I want her to tell me she is happy in her marriage and loves her husband, instead of always complaining about him.

This is not going to get easier. We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there. Nothing will happen, but this is not easy. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel normal again, and see her as just a friend, which she is. Should i tell her how I feel? Please help.
crushing4her is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 7:01 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,266
lol. you are not happily married if you are so into this coworker that you're spending hours of non-work-time texting her. you're having an emotional affair already and are just waiting to go away with her so you can let it get physical too. what exactly is your problem? you're obviously into this woman more than your wife, so just leave your wife and pursue her if that is what you're wanting. the fact that you'd even contemplate telling her how you feel says it all
newmoon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 7:21 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 3
I am happy. I love my wife and I live my life. I think for both of us this is just an innocent crush. We spend so much time working together that I am hoping it is natural to feel this way, whether right or wrong. Even though she complains about her husband, I know she loves him. She has a beautiful family, as do I. This is emotional, absolutely. It's an innocent crush. It would never get physical. When I said bring it up to her, I did not mean professing my crush and wish to be with her or anything like that. What I meant was bring up the fact that it's not normal to text so much, as harmless and in innocent as it is, and our working relationship if I'm not mistaken is turning into a mutual crush, which does not seem right. I would never throw my life away for a stupid harmless crush. It's easy to say then don't, stop it. But it's not that easy. I do want the crush feeling to go away.
crushing4her is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 7:40 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,548
You're putting way too much effort into her. Texting for hours on the weekend? Turn your phone OFF and spend time with your wife. You are 'bonding' and allowing feelings to grow with your crush and that's very dangerous. You say you wouldn't cheat and you love your wife but things can happen....

You need to talk to your co worker and just say you need some distance and it's not fair to your wife that you are focusing and bonding with another woman.

There's no excuse. And, don't worry about hurting your co workers feelings, she knows why things have to cool down, she isn't stupid.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 7:47 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,548
Quote:
Originally Posted by crushing4her View Post
I am happy. I love my wife and I live my life. I think for both of us this is just an innocent crush. We spend so much time working together that I am hoping it is natural to feel this way, whether right or wrong. Even though she complains about her husband, I know she loves him. She has a beautiful family, as do I. This is emotional, absolutely. It's an innocent crush. It would never get physical. When I said bring it up to her, I did not mean professing my crush and wish to be with her or anything like that. What I meant was bring up the fact that it's not normal to text so much, as harmless and in innocent as it is, and our working relationship if I'm not mistaken is turning into a mutual crush, which does not seem right. I would never throw my life away for a stupid harmless crush. It's easy to say then don't, stop it. But it's not that easy. I do want the crush feeling to go away.
You've contradicted yourself so many times in this paragraph.

Be honest with yourself and please stop justifying it all.

If your wife was doing what you're doing with a male married co worker, texting for hours on the weekend and also so much at work, feeling emotional attached to him, crushing on him, enjoying it all I'm 100% sure you would NOT be pleased about this.

Your intention is not an affair, neither is your co worker...The thing is, men and women that feel an attraction and a crush - You both are feeding it and fueling the fire by spending time together on a personal level, the texting etc.. Without you knowing, you're gonna emotionally detach from your wife. It's already happened as you spend way too much time thinking of your co worker. You think it's harmless and innocent, it's not. It's damaging, more than you realize.

Please stop. Otherwise you will end up posting in 3 months that you two kissed and groped, and how great it felt but you feel so guilty but can't control what you feel.

You can stop this if you really wanted to. Put your wife and kids first. Their needs above your own and imagine losing what you have. Imagine your wife feeling hurt by what you're doing. it's selfish on some level too, so I hope you see this.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 8:29 PM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,623
You certainly should not tell your co-worker how you feel.


When you find yourself thinking about her you have to force yourself to stop. remind yourself of all the good things with your marriage. Read through all the regret postings here in LS from all the people who cheated & now realize what they lost.


It's a phase. If it's not a phase, get a divorce 1st then pursue her.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 10:58 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 93
I am not going to say that you're unhappy in your marriage but there's something missing even if you don't realize it. I only say this because I've been/am where you are right now.

This will take a toll on you and your marriage because of the time devoted to this crush. Things will escalate right now it maybe all friendly innocent "hey how was your day" things but it only takes one comment or innuendo to change the entire aspect of the situation.

I can also tell you it is very hard to let go of something like this because it's a friendship that's grown and that itself us hard to give up no matter what.

I do wish you the very best luck with everything
Notsure_9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 11:23 PM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 93
I am not going to say that you're unhappy in your marriage but there's something missing even if you don't realize it. I only say this because I've been/am where you are right now.

This will take a toll on you and your marriage because of the time devoted to this crush. Things will escalate right now it maybe all friendly innocent "hey how was your day" things but it only takes one comment or innuendo to change the entire aspect of the situation.

I can also tell you it is very hard to let go of something like this because it's a friendship that's grown and that itself us hard to give up no matter what.

I do wish you the very best luck with everything
Notsure_9 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 11:48 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Betterthanthis13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,161
"Innocent crush" and "harmless flirtation" are oxymorons...

Cultivavate the things you want to grow and flourish (marriage) and weed out the activities that are potential threats. This girl is not your friend. If she is in an "unhappy marriage", why doesn't she get out of it and start dating single guys? Tell her to do just that and to leave you out of it, and focus on your marriage if you are indeed as happy as you say you are.

Imagine a year goes by and you keep putting effort into this relationship and your feelings continue to grow? What are te possible outcomes? Cut it out now. Be pleasant and civil and professional and nothing more, unless you feel like blowing up your marriage is something you want. Imagine how devastated your wife will be if she were to learn that not only are you having these feelings, but you are not taking action to distance yourself from this person and are in fact developing a relationship with her. Imagine the tears and disgust and contempt for you in her eyes now, before it's too late.

Or divorce your wife and pursue a woman who flirts with men outside her marriage. Your choice.
__________________
“It’s not enough to rage against the lie…you’ve got to replace it with the truth.” -Bono
Betterthanthis13 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 31st March 2014, 11:59 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Fugu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Penn's Forest
Posts: 4,186
Quote:
Originally Posted by crushing4her View Post
I am happily married for 3 years with absolutely no desire to ruin my marriage. I love my wife and my beautiful daughter. Recently I have been crushing on my married co-worker. It is weird, I could see if i was unhappy, but I am happy. My crush is not happy in her marriage. I find her so much fun to be around, she is cute, and her personality is hilarious! Even on weekends we text about random stuff, and before you know it, it is 2 hours later. At work we IM/email, all innocent stuff. Nothing shady or anything that i would not want anyone, especially my wife to find out.

I find myself constantly thinking about her, looking forward to seeing her, making excuses to see her, etc. I know she does the same. She actually is texting me as I write this. I am ashamed to say, i get butterflies sometimes when she is around or when she texts me. It is so weird, because again, i am happy in my marriage. I am not looking for anyone to tell me to pursue this. Quite the opposite, I want people to tell me I am an idiot. I want her to tell me she is happy in her marriage and loves her husband, instead of always complaining about him.

This is not going to get easier. We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there. Nothing will happen, but this is not easy. I want this feeling to go away. I want to feel normal again, and see her as just a friend, which she is. Should i tell her how I feel? Please help.
I think you need to establish boundaries ASAP. She shouldn't be texting you at home, and you shouldn't be responding to them. I would tell your co-worker that you leave your mobile on and that you and your wife have an understanding that there's no privacy where mobile phones are concerned.

It's inevitable that you'll encounter people you find attractive - being married doesn't stop that. You can't control those circumstances, but you definitely can and should control how you react and respond once you become aware of those dynamics. The easiest thing to do is to put yourself in a situation where one thing can't lead to another. If you don't, then you're just as responsible for whatever happens next as she would be, even if she initiates it.
Fugu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2014, 12:02 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Fugu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Penn's Forest
Posts: 4,186
Quote:
Originally Posted by whichwayisup View Post
You're putting way too much effort into her. Texting for hours on the weekend? Turn your phone OFF and spend time with your wife. You are 'bonding' and allowing feelings to grow with your crush and that's very dangerous. You say you wouldn't cheat and you love your wife but things can happen....

You need to talk to your co worker and just say you need some distance and it's not fair to your wife that you are focusing and bonding with another woman.

There's no excuse. And, don't worry about hurting your co workers feelings, she knows why things have to cool down, she isn't stupid.
Yeah, the texting thing is dangerous. A spouse could be forgiven for assuming that it's already an emotional affair. I'm not saying it is, but it could be perceived that way. This is crossing lines already, I think.

And no, trust me, I'm not a holier-than-thou type. I don't judge the person, I just evaluate the behavior and, from my own knowledge of life, I can tell you that this doesn't end well. Put up boundaries now, OP.
Fugu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2014, 12:19 AM   #12
Established Member
 
CarrieT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Napa - wine country
Posts: 11,711
If you want to nip this in the bud, than TELL YOUR WIFE immediately.

Diffuse the situation by bringing it out into the open before it goes any further.

These hours' worth of texts you guys are doing? Is this stuff you could share with your wife? If not, you have already crossed the line.
CarrieT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2014, 12:30 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Arieswoman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 3,335
crushing4her,

Stop This Now

You have crossed boundaries and are on the edge of a slippery slope.

This is how my first husband's affair started, paying attention to an employee, then drinks after work, then feelings developed........I won't go on but surely you can see where this is leading?

Quote:
We are working on a big project for the next few months, and will travel together here and there.
^^^^^^

Get some boundaries in place before this happens or you will be sunk.

Quote:
Nothing will happen, but this is not easy
Yes it is - you stop this texting business for a start.

Please wake up and smell the coffee.
Arieswoman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2014, 3:05 AM   #14
Established Member
 
almond's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,334
You need to choose now - your wife, your family and your dignity...or your emotional affair.

If you truly love and respect your family, you will not risk destroying them as you are. If your wife sees those texts and realises the frequency of communication...especially knowing that you and this woman have traveled together also, things will never be the same again. Your marriage will be forever impacted by your selfishness and lack of self control.

You will beg, plead and cry for your wife to stay with you and not leave you. You will regret it forever.

Or, she won't ever find out, and you'll have to live with the fact that you are the type of husband that is happy to betray and deceive his wife for an "innocent crush."

They should be worth more to you than this. Pull out from the project, and immediately cease all contact with this woman. Is this difficult? Sure it is. But your wife and family should be worth the effort. You let this go too far, and now you need to correct it.

Go NC with this woman, and focus on spending quality time with your wife and your family, and enriching your own life. Get to the bottom of why you feel the need for validation and flirtation with other women, and fill this void in a healthy and productive way. Otherwise...an affair down the line doesn't seem so unlikely.

Sort this out, and correct the wrongs now. Otherwise, be fully prepared to inflict serious pain upon people you claim to care about and love.
almond is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 1st April 2014, 3:17 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Posts: 57,548
Quote:
Is this difficult? Sure it is. But your wife and family should be worth the effort.
Exactly. Which is more important? Your vows you said to your wife, your beautiful daughter's happiness, their safe home and comfort of a family unit as one or your own personal happiness by flirting and getting too close to another woman. You choose, nobody is holding a gun to your head. Maybe you want both? Many do but it's wrong and very unfair to your wife. Part of being married is, giving up other women and yes that means pursuing crushes and getting to close to them. And before you say 'I'm allowed to have women friends' I totally agree! But, those who have opposite sex friends have innocent and platonic ones and their spouses know and are involved as well.

Has your wife ever met your co worker? Have you ever met your co workers husband?

Sorry if my words and my posts seem harsh...Nobody wants to see you here in 6 months posting that your wife caught you having an affair with your co worker, or you posting that you've fallen in love and confused between co worker and your wife.

End it now. If you don't, you have a lot to lose.
whichwayisup is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Crush on a Married Coworker donark The Other Man / Woman 11 5th November 2013 6:47 PM
married and am involved with a married coworker, who is acts single getagripchick The Other Man / Woman 6 23rd September 2013 10:45 AM
Does married coworker have crush on me too? nytoaz Business and Professional Relationships 7 26th August 2010 9:34 PM
Crush on Married Coworker Gingersnap Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 6 4th May 2005 11:04 AM
Crush on married coworker (update) Gingersnap Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 1 8th July 2004 10:16 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:30 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.