Jump to content

working with someone that hates my guts...


Recommended Posts

I work with a woman that absolutely hates me. I really don't consider her much normally, as I go to work with a purpose to complete projects and do what needs to get done. I get along with everyone I work with really well, my managers like me a lot- and I do a good job.

 

This issue would be of little bother to me if I wasn't potentially pursuing a promotion within the company.

 

She is a woman in her mid-50's, just can't get along with anyone. Always tattle-tailing to management, creating drama. Since the first day I started, she took issue with me- she was so mean to me when I first came on board with the company. It's become a joke in my department how ridiculous her hatred for me is. That's all fine and dandy- I don't need everyone to like me and I'll function just fine- but her fixation is becoming somewhat disturbing. I've never done anything to her- I just do my job and get along with people.

 

I've taken to avoiding her as much as possible. She seems to have this perception of "an issue" with me that I have never participated in. I'd be happy to get along with her, I just think she has a real mental health problem that can't be reasoned with.

 

I'm even sympathetic a little to her issues but it's becoming increasingly difficult to deal with her when I'm trying to do my job and she's always approaching me and others with "tears and issues".

 

She's burned her bridges with everyone else in my department, and people avoid her because she is so unstable. She's on stress leave constantly. Again, that's fine and dandy with me. I avoid her because she's 100% drama. If I engage her socially, she'll twist my words and go and tell a co-worker I've said something I haven't. If I avoid her, she'll go and complain to a manager that I'm not being cordial to her. It's really gotten out of control.

 

I do everything I can to avoid drama with her, but she actively pursues any opportunity to create an issue with me. I swear I could fart at home and she'd run to management to report me. It's that ridiculous.

 

She's very conniving and passive-aggressive. She causes undue drama with everyone in the department, and when we distance ourselves, she runs to upper management to report that people are being mean to her. I am definitely her main target.

 

It's definitely harassment- but I'm not a victim type- and it's coming from a person that is most surely mentally ill. I've managed people for years- and this is a person that isn't manageable. I'd never claim harassment because I'm just trying to lay low and run away from this woman. I feel like addressing this issue would validate for her that it's "our issue" rather than her issue.

 

Last week my superiors asked me to pursue management. I've been considering it. 3 Days ago this weird co-worker requested a meeting with me in the office to address an issue where I was apparently short with her. It was pretty humiliating- and even though my boss was on my side- just bringing me into that meeting validated for this woman that "we" have an issue.

 

I was so furious being hauled into the office to have a meeting with HR because they can't get a complaint and not address it. I don't engage her on the floor out of fear that she will twist anything I say- so she complains I'm not engaging her and draws me into drama I'm doing everything I can not to deal with. Very frustrating.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Psssh, I love those people when they pick on me because they only do it when they feel like they can get away with it. If she wants to play games, play games with her! You never see bullies pick on people they're own size, right? I'd greet her every morning loudly and with a large grin. Ask her how she's doing and then ignore her when she speaks. Complain back when she does it first. Trust me, when bothering you is no longer easy for her to do, she'll stop bothering you!

Link to post
Share on other sites

If your bosses came to you to ask you to pursue management & everybody "knows" she's a whack job just keep doing what you are doing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Psssh, I love those people when they pick on me because they only do it when they feel like they can get away with it. If she wants to play games, play games with her! You never see bullies pick on people they're own size, right? I'd greet her every morning loudly and with a large grin. Ask her how she's doing and then ignore her when she speaks. Complain back when she does it first. Trust me, when bothering you is no longer easy for her to do, she'll stop bothering you!

 

I don't feel intimidated by her at all. I'm confident in my skills, popular with others at work and I don't give her any attention.

 

The problem is that because she gets no attention or reaction from me- she forces me to engage her by asking HR to stage a meeting.

 

She's extremely passive aggressive. When I don't engage her she goes out of her way to create a problem that forces me to engage her. It's obvious to me and everyone else that she does this, but I don't think she is capable of comprehending that she is the only participant in this "issue".

 

If your bosses came to you to ask you to pursue management & everybody "knows" she's a whack job just keep doing what you are doing.

 

Thanks, I plan to. My boss defended me 100%, HR defended me 100%.

 

They still had to pacify her by granting her the meeting- and it bothered me to be forced into participating in a meeting that should never have been granted in the first place.

 

My boss came to me today and validated how ridiculous the situation is. I told her that I would refuse any future meetings with this particular co-worker.

 

Keep your enemies closer....

 

In this case I don't agree. Being close to this woman in any way would invite the undue drama I'm trying to avoid.

Edited by D-Lish
Link to post
Share on other sites

D-Lish -- it seems like management is dealing with her in a way that they hope to avoid lawsuits. I'd let her & her nuttiness slide. Just do your job. Earn your promotion & hopefully leave her in your dust.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
D-Lish -- it seems like management is dealing with her in a way that they hope to avoid lawsuits. I'd let her & her nuttiness slide. Just do your job. Earn your promotion & hopefully leave her in your dust.

 

Thanks. That's exactly how they are handling it- you nailed it.

 

I'm trying to protect myself from such a situation because she is truly unstable enough to escalate things to a whole new level of crazy.

 

Because they are considering me for management, I want to make sure I handle this properly. If I were to become a manager, I'd have to supervise people like her.

 

This woman is just a drama tornado. I know there is nothing she could cite as a harassment issue against me- but she's really playing the victim hard here. She's a victim of her own creation- I said so directly in my meeting with her.

 

She's actually harassing me- just doing so passive-aggressively.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Why hasn't this woman been fired yet?

 

It sounds like she's trouble for the whole department. Can't they get rid of her for some reason or try to transfer her away?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Why hasn't this woman been fired yet?

 

It sounds like she's trouble for the whole department. Can't they get rid of her for some reason or try to transfer her away?

 

No way she'd ever get fired. I think you'd have to get caught stealing red handed to get fired where I work after the 90 day initial probation period.

 

Too much red tape.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Congrats, she hates you out of jealousy!

 

This is so interesting, thanks for posting. Her behavior is pretty common, if a bit extreme, for women, they usually just direct this kind of harassment against another women. Welcome to our world.

 

There is a book called 'In the Company of Women' by Pat Heim that discusses this. The authors are social scientists and management consultants and when they identified the type of behavior you're writing about and covered it as one topic of many in their seminars they found managers lined up afterward to figure out how to deal with this one issue.

 

Major generalities ahead, I apologize to those offended by them in advance.

 

Summary of the book: Women are not raised to be direct in their aggression or ambition. We aren't raised to ask for what we want directly through negotiation, or use the power and authority a man naturally assumes. So when they see others that have something more they see it as their job to even things out. The authors called this 'the dead even rule'. The sabotage begins to 'even it up'. Again, women usually do this mostly to other women at work, even in packs, and leave the men alone. The complaints, the lies, the victimization. She sounds more equal in her harassment! :)

 

Sounds like you are a peer who is already demonstrating natural leadership so you're her target. My advice is document. Sit down right away and write down the stories you remember, how you found out, people who let you know, and the dates. This is what managers need from you. These things can go off the rails with sociopaths who can even accuse you of illegal activity, so it's important to start even when it just seems annoying.

 

Here's the secret: as soon as you are a manager and are vested with sanctioned authority she'll probably stop attacking you and find another target. If you were a woman, she'd probably continue or even get worse.

 

And as a future manager, please remember her. Because you'll have a lot of women coming to you dealing with this in other women. They'll need your savvy in understanding how nasty women can be in this way.

 

One woman doing this to me was asked to leave her group and came to my boss for a job. Because I had warned him before when her lies reached his ears through her manager, I had documented our conversations (I used email with her whenever possible), and he knew me to be honest, he asked her "Team unity is important to me. What's your relationship like with Veronica?" He said that shut her down immediately.

 

They thrive in secrecy for sure.

 

And btw, congrats on the recognition from your management!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
No way she'd ever get fired. I think you'd have to get caught stealing red handed to get fired where I work after the 90 day initial probation period.

 

Too much red tape.

That sucks. It would make things a lot easier for everybody.

 

@ VeronicaRoss

D-Lish is a woman.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Geez. This sounds a little similar to my situation with a co worker at work.

 

She to makes drama's out of nothing and tries to put me in a negative light.

 

It got so ridiculous that when my other co workers saw her go into a meeting with my 2 supervisors about the situation they both started laughing because they know what she is like and knew what it is about.

 

It is crazy the stuff she makes a big deal out of. My other co workers just roll our eyes. I even got told off for having my bag next to where I sit instead of in my desk lol.

 

Of course she came out crying after being confronted about it. I have heard when she has been accused of something before. She gets like this.

 

I to have the confidence not to let what she does get to me and it has become a joke in the office about us as well. I guess cause not everyone knows how else to react to it.

 

When I told my boss about it. She already knew about it (I wondered if she did because people were making comments to me about it and joking about it) but could not do anything about it till I brought it up I am guessing. I am glad that everyone can see what she is like in the office so I know that it is not all in my head. Have witnesses as well.

 

The funny thing is. When the Supervisors did talk to her about it they told me afterwards she does not know what she has done to offend me? Seriously?

 

I have heard people mention in front of her, joking around how she is a bully and heard of another person complaining about her for the same thing. I know that it is not just me that she picks on. She has certain targets in the office as well as I. :rolleyes:.

 

I to wonder why she hasn't been fired yet. She has been like that for years. Been there for 20 something years. I bet she would not last 5 minutes in a new job.

 

Now that she has told the Supervisor she does not know what she has done to offend me. Like I am the one with the problem. I am gonna have to talk face to face with her about it. :(.

 

Awkward. I think she is either in denial or expecting me to trip up cause she knows I hate confrontation. I will have to suck it up and show her that I am not as weak as she thinks I am. Fingers crossed I can pull it off.

 

All I have ever been is nice to her. I have never said anything mean back either which will play in my favour at this meeting at least. I would be fine with her if she treated me with more respect. So she is the one with the bloody problem.

 

Glad your management is encouraging you to speak up as well. Well done.

Edited by Karasmatic
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That sucks. It would make things a lot easier for everybody.

 

@ VeronicaRoss

D-Lish is a woman.

 

:laugh: Yes I am, and I do see it as a jealousy issue.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Geez. This sounds a little similar to my situation with a co worker at work.

 

She to makes drama's out of nothing and tries to put me in a negative light.

 

It got so ridiculous that when my other co workers saw her go into a meeting with my 2 supervisors about the situation they both started laughing because they know what she is like and knew what it is about.

 

It is crazy the stuff she makes a big deal out of. My other co workers just roll our eyes. I even got told off for having my bag next to where I sit instead of in my desk lol.

 

Of course she came out crying after being confronted about it. I have heard when she has been accused of something before. She gets like this.

 

I to have the confidence not to let what she does get to me and it has become a joke in the office about us as well. I guess cause not everyone knows how else to react to it.

 

When I told my boss about it. She already knew about it (I wondered if she did because people were making comments to me about it and joking about it) but could not do anything about it till I brought it up I am guessing. I am glad that everyone can see what she is like in the office so I know that it is not all in my head. Have witnesses as well.

 

The funny thing is. When the Supervisors did talk to her about it they told me afterwards she does not know what she has done to offend me? Seriously?

 

I have heard people mention in front of her, joking around how she is a bully and heard of another person complaining about her for the same thing. I know that it is not just me that she picks on. She has certain targets in the office as well as I. :rolleyes:.

 

I to wonder why she hasn't been fired yet. She has been like that for years. Been there for 20 something years. I bet she would not last 5 minutes in a new job.

 

Now that she has told the Supervisor she does not know what she has done to offend me. Like I am the one with the problem. I am gonna have to talk face to face with her about it. :(.

 

Awkward. I think she is either in denial or expecting me to trip up cause she knows I hate confrontation. I will have to suck it up and show her that I am not as weak as she thinks I am. Fingers crossed I can pull it off.

 

All I have ever been is nice to her. I have never said anything mean back either which will play in my favour at this meeting at least. I would be fine with her if she treated me with more respect. So she is the one with the bloody problem.

 

Glad your management is encouraging you to speak up as well. Well done.

 

The sad thing is that there are quite a lot of people out there like this. I have certainly dealt with people like this in the past- I've had to manage them before.

 

This kind of person is an HR nightmare- they keep everyone walking on eggshells because everyone has to be very careful when it comes to dealing with them.

Link to post
Share on other sites

That's why I'm saying, stop ignoring her. Give her so much attention and smiles and nice things to say that all she wants to do is ignore YOU. Sometimes the cold shoulder doesn't work for everybody, and you know what they say, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? She's most likely intimated by you, and if she wants to hate on you because you're awesome, give her a taste of her own medicine.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
That's why I'm saying, stop ignoring her. Give her so much attention and smiles and nice things to say that all she wants to do is ignore YOU. Sometimes the cold shoulder doesn't work for everybody, and you know what they say, the squeaky wheel gets the oil, right? She's most likely intimated by you, and if she wants to hate on you because you're awesome, give her a taste of her own medicine.

 

Unfortunately, the slightest bit of friendliness would open the door to more drama. Normally I'd agree with you- and it's good advice- but this is a circumstance where we are dealing with someone that is mentally ill.

 

I've gone this route in the past with this woman- and she always takes my kindness as an opportunity to stir up trouble for me. I can have what I believe to be an innocuous conversation with her, and before I know it she's off twisting my words to other co-workers or even managers. That's why it is best to keep her at a distance.

 

This morning I was having a conversation with a couple co-workers, and we were laughing- just having an innocent conversation about something that had nothing to do with work. The crazy woman approached my other co-worker a couple hours later and launched into a tearful complaint that she felt we were laughing at her expense- talking about her. The aforementioned is the kind of paranoid behaviour we deal with constantly.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Sounds like borderline personality disorder. No win.

 

Yes, you've nailed it.

 

Everything is about her- everything everyone else does is perceived as being about her.

 

She's like a little kid that constantly walks through the sandbox and kicks down all the sandcastles all of the other kids have made- then, when the other kids withdraw from her - she goes and cries to the teacher that everyone is being mean to her.

 

You're right, no one can win with this type of person- and such a person is impossible to manage and/or work with.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah you're right... I suggested that maybe you should try annoying her back but if she's having serious personal issues then its in your right to file a serious complaint.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you made a thread about this woman before, or someone else made a thread about a similar person [maybe venusian when she was active].

It made me think 'i'm glad i'm not a woman'.

 

 

Well, that was over last yr.

I have finally met the enemy, and it is pretty much like you described it.

Not at work, different setting.

Did not involve management, but she did go and complain to management.

Sometimes she would be all sweetiepie in public, but never would say 'hello' to my 'hello', though i would be a pig if i didn't say it first.

In private, quite passive-agressive.

She would lie, outright lie with hard evidence just to make me look bad, it reminded me of my abusive gf's who would try to convince you that white was in fact black, and that even hard evidence was not what it seemed.

 

I'm gonna look up the book Veronica referenced, and pls update with how you deal with his unhappy harpy.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, you've nailed it.

 

Everything is about her- everything everyone else does is perceived as being about her.

 

She's like a little kid that constantly walks through the sandbox and kicks down all the sandcastles all of the other kids have made- then, when the other kids withdraw from her - she goes and cries to the teacher that everyone is being mean to her.

 

You're right, no one can win with this type of person- and such a person is impossible to manage and/or work with.

 

Borderlines are more stuck between 'i love you' 'i hate you', with an impossibility for a happy point in between.

There is absolutely no love in this woman.

 

What you describe sounds more like Narcissistic Personality Disorder [look up Histrionic too; Narcissistic tends to affect men more than women, while Histrionic is the opposite].

Link to post
Share on other sites

There must be one in every department. I am dealing with a jealous old bag, too. She is past retirement age so I wish she would just go. Unfortunately she has seniority. Might be the incentive I need to find a better job though.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

D-Lish- I think you are wise to keep her at bay. Is there a company liason perhaps? My company started using one and its been my salvation to a better work environment. The Liason is highly objective and perceptive.

 

She doesn't take sides but presents a fair view of what the true meat and potatoes are of the scenario and how best to resolve quickly. Saves the company money and saves the employee's from enduring the tensions.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
D-Lish- I think you are wise to keep her at bay. Is there a company liason perhaps? My company started using one and its been my salvation to a better work environment. The Liason is highly objective and perceptive.

 

She doesn't take sides but presents a fair view of what the true meat and potatoes are of the scenario and how best to resolve quickly. Saves the company money and saves the employee's from enduring the tensions.

 

Thanks Tayla.

 

I'm pretty lucky to have some really great bosses. I really can do very little wrong in their eyes. Not because I'm overly special- just because I work my butt off and go above and beyond what is asked of me. I'm a good employee.

 

I know my bosses don't take her complaints seriously- but they have to address any and all issues that are brought up. They know she is a problem- but they have to handle her with kid gloves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...