Career (& Marriage) Counseling Session from Hell

[April6]

I have horrid socialization skills. I have career and marriage difficulties. I saw a therapist, and the session went so badly I wondered if I should commit myself to a mental hospital when it ended.

 

I think my worse issue is difficulty in communicating, so I will write this in hopes someone out there can be so talented in communication they can help. Thank you, if you try.

 

I am married / separated, although my husband gives me money weekly and pretty much lives with me, anyways. I am confused about this situation, but it's not my biggest concern at the moment. (He says he wants to discuss a divorce next summer. This is his thing - I think he is interested in other girls, but the more time goes on, the more I believe it is a great idea for my sake, and I look forward to it.)

 

I have no children, pets or roommates at the moment. Just a frequent visitor, the hubby. When he's not in my tiny apartment, he lives in a trailer on his parents' property, where I lived last winter and in 2012.

 

I am an unlicensed caretaker, working in several homes of elderly people for $8/hr 30ish hours / wk (in SC - the standard of living is way low here). I am also attending nursing classes (funded by my husband, for the most part). I try to spend frugally and make ends meet, and so far, I have succeeded, although I utilize gifts of food, supplies, and money from friends, acquaintances and family and have to make uncomfortable sacrifices (no TV or internet). I love my work but fill out applications weekly, in hopes of finding a job with better pay. I look forward to being a licensed LPN in 2015 (maybe even next year).

 

I went to a therapist a few weeks ago for two reasons: 1) I'm confused about my relationship with my husband, and 2) I need to get back on my feet financially. I really want to be independent.

 

My therapist told me that I had to choose between which of these issues to focus on. I chose employment counseling. He told me that he was a great person for that.

 

I thought my initial session was fairly positive (first of two), but things went downhill to hell in the 10 days that followed.

 

In my first session, the therapist surmised that I was depressed and that prevented me from having successful interviews for better paying jobs. He also suspected that I grew up and live in a sexist environment, which I unknowingly rebel against, causing friction in my relationships. I am the daughter/granddaughter of preachers and have rejected religion in college, being agnostic ever since. So, he could have had a point. He suggested I read a book called "Sexism in America: Alive, Well and Ruining Our Future." It's an interesting read - I checked it out and read parts of it. The man gave me a lot of food for thought, and I thought I got my money's worth in this session.

 

My husband surprised me by going to personal counseling himself a week after this. He had seen the same therapist when he was in high school and loved him - I chose the man based on the husband's recommendation. I knew all along he might go for personal counseling, but I thought he was just saying that. I was proud and happy that he went, but I didn't have time to show it.

 

After his session, he went to his parents' home and talked to his parents, brother and brother's girlfriend about his and my counseling sessions. Looking back, I don't mind them knowing, Unfortunately, I walked in on all that and was shocked. It was Friday evening, and I usually visit on Friday evenings with J, just... an old TV watching / supper tradition that has been kind of fun. I wish I didn't go this time!! In front of the whole family, I discovered my husband talked about our relationship problems. They've known about most stuff for months and now they know about the shrink. He told THEM that he sat up a relationship counseling session for three days later before he told me. In the room with everybody, I found out I was going to marriage counseling and right away and I realized there was really no room to refuse. On the one hand, I feel like shrugging and thinking "Que sara, sara." On the other, I feel so confused I might be having a numb brain explosion. All my social problems have gotten tangled in one mind-boggling knot.

 

It was difficult to function for the three days in between his session and ours. My marriage confuses the hell out of me normally, and, of course, I don't like to be the topic of gossip. I cried a lot, (initially in front of everybody) which stressed the hell out of my husband. What stressed him even more was the fact that I couldn't talk. He and his family TOLD me I misjudged them. I wasn't aware of judgments. I wasn't aware of anything, but that I was crying and confused. I was overwhelmed. I couldn't verbalize my feelings, I just withstood them awkwardly, hoping the joint session would fix everything.

 

In our joint relationship session, the therapist asked me "What do you want?" at the get-go. I came prepared for this question. I said, "I want to be independent. I want a better job." He then asked "What do you want in your relationship?"

 

I thought I had answered that question, so I repeated my answer in a different way: "I want to be able to live without my husband's money."

 

He said, "You want to please people. You want to please your husband. You want to please me." I didn't think this assumption was fair. But there could have been truth in it.

 

I shrugged while shaking my head in agreement. He then repeated his question for the third time. "What do YOU REALLY want?"

 

This time, I answered, "It would be nice for J and I to have a positive, fulfilling relationship."

 

He asked me, "What is preventing this from happening?"

 

At this point, I snapped inside. I didn't know why so many questions in a row were being directed toward me, when my husband was there, too. After all, my husband arranged the session. I didn't know why I was asked the same question three times. And I didn't know the answer to the current question.

 

The best answer I could think of was "We can't relax together. He doesn't trust me. I don't trust him."

 

The therapist said "Of course. I bet there is a lot of hidden anger and hatred the two of you feel, too."

 

The words "Of course" stung like a verbal whip. They still ring in my head. I thought my answer was good. I think I remember him smiling when he said "of course", and I started wondering if HE just wanted to be pleased. He wanted me to say what most girls would, to give an answer he knew how to work with.

 

I was also mad at his suggestion that we are angry and hate each other. My husband and I worry way too much. Now he adds to our worries.

 

I started getting so angry, it was hard to concentrate, to make the most of our expensive session. I hoped /prayed that my husband would get the next question, so I could cool off. My husband did not.

 

From what I could tell, the shrink directed ALL other questions to me - throughout the rest of the session. Every one. At least, he looked at me as he asked. He never used my husband's name. The session now felt like torture.

 

"Did you ever find being together relaxing?" (I said "Yes" and then hesitated about what more to say. He looked to my husband, and then my husband agreed and explained). Somewhere after that was "Did you ever enjoy sex?" (I said "Yes," he looked to my husband, who then agreed and elaborated). I felt belittled, untrusted and extremely confused.

 

I know that I am probably the crazy one here, but in my crazy mind this seemed like ... that therapist really wanted to push my buttons and make me seem crazy. My husband was bored, frustrated and embarrassed. I felt like I couldn't communicate, and my answers were like what goes on in a freak show. It was a disaster. Me at my worse.

 

Since I didn't have time to sit and reflect between questions, I let my feelings / impulses take over. I let my crazies show. Instead of answering, I sometimes tried to change the subject back to my job path. I needed help in researching current opportunities, in interviewing skills I said amid unrelated questions. At other times, I confronted the therapist, saying that his questions were too subjective for me to answer. I said that it was difficult for me to focus on my relationship because it wasn't my priority, and repeatedly asking me to do so was wasting our time and money.

 

He concluded:

1) I can't communicate effectively. This may be due to ADHD.

2) I should be tested for ADHD.

3) My decisions to study nursing and to be a caretaker are probably grave mistakes. I am not self-aware. If I want objectivity, if I am confused / have social problems, I should not be in people-oriented professions. I need to look at purely objective alternatives in which I would work alone, in which my work would have measurable results.

4) I am a people-pleaser. I do not know what I want or what is best for me. My worst problem is that I care so much about what other people think that I don't realize my own opinion. I think the world revolves around me. I worry too much.

5) I keep a wall up which prevents me from looking at things honestly, or answering questions honestly. I don't want to change myself, I just want the world to change to meet my needs. I consider myself a victim.

 

I agree with him on the communication and ADHD issues, and I am thinking about asking my doctor for medication for ADHD. I'm not sure that that two are related, but I see that they could be, especially when I am stressed.

 

I hope with all my being that the therapist is wrong on #3. I enjoy taking care of the elderly. I would like to earn more money, but I look forward to starting work and being at "work". The folks I work for praise me, the clients brag on me. I also love my nursing classes, and have a 4.0 average. I don't want to loose the best part of my life.

 

There is truth in #4 like there is in the ADHD thing. I would like to fix this, too, and don't know how.

 

If #5 has truth in it, I have no idea how to change it, but I want to.

 

I'm scared that if I see another therapist, that will go poorly, too. I'm tired of all my relationship troubles, and of all the unsuccessful job leads/interviews.

 

I want to be open to the truth, even if it is ugly. Do you guys see what I am missing?

[KathyM]

This is very inappropriate and unethical for a counselor to be providing individual counseling to both partners in a relationship. You should both seek separate individual counselors, and if you go in for marriage counseling, that should be with a counselor who does not have a prior counseling relationship with either of you. The chance for breach of confidentially is a major concern, which you have experienced, and the chance for bias because he counseled your husband previously is also a major issue. Neither of you should be seeing this man under the circumstances.

[CC12]

He concluded:

1) I can't communicate effectively. This may be due to ADHD.

 

That may be true, but it seems like your therapist didn't really try to help you to communicate or make it feel like a safe space for you to express yourself. It seems like he wanted you to answer a certain way so he kept asking until you got it "right" instead of listening to what you were saying and letting that direct the session.

 

3) My decisions to study nursing and to be a caretaker are probably grave mistakes. I am not self-aware. If I want objectivity, if I am confused / have social problems, I should not be in people-oriented professions. I need to look at purely objective alternatives in which I would work alone, in which my work would have measurable results.

 

Why wouldn't a therapist want to help you become a person more capable of having the career you want? Why couldn't he help you become successful, instead of telling you that you should change your career path? That seems really strange to me.

 

4) I am a people-pleaser. I do not know what I want or what is best for me. My worst problem is that I care so much about what other people think that I don't realize my own opinion. I think the world revolves around me. I worry too much.

5) I keep a wall up which prevents me from looking at things honestly, or answering questions honestly. I don't want to change myself, I just want the world to change to meet my needs. I consider myself a victim.

 

This just sounds insulting. And I don't think it's reasonable for a therapist to conclude these things after one or two sessions with you, especially after acknowledging that you have problems communicating.

 

I know these are your interpretations or recollections of what happened, so try to go back and really remember what was said, and if the points I made above seem valid, then you should go to a different therapist.

 

Obviously, all counseling may be tough and a therapist might say things that are hard for you to hear, but it shouldn't be such a nightmare for you. You should feel comfortable with them. I'm not necessarily saying that this therapist is bad, you just didn't work well with each other.

 

Also, it was really unfair that your husband put you on the spot like that in front of his family and told them things without your knowledge. You deserve an apology from him. You said he talked to them about your independent counseling session. How much did he know about it? Did it seem like the therapist told him about things you said at your previous appointment?

 

P.S. Your written communication skills seem pretty good to me. Maybe at your first session with your new therapist you can hand them a little letter describing your goals and troubles. Like you did in your OP.

Edited September 10, 2013 by CC12

[April6]

Why wouldn't a therapist want to help you become a person more capable of having the career you want? Why couldn't he help you become successful, instead of telling you that you should change your career path? That seems really strange to me.

 

Thank you! I wanted someone to say it seems strange. He was mad, and he felt rushed when he was saying that. I didn't get his words verbatim, either, but I think I wasn't deceptive. He had no desire to make me more capable. In fact, he told me that I want a therapist to fix me, and that's impossible. No one can fix anyone but himself or herself, the man said, and changing oneself is almost impossible.

 

This just sounds insulting. And I don't think it's reasonable for a therapist to conclude these things after one or two sessions with you, especially after acknowledging that you have problems communicating.

 

<snip>

 

P.S. Your written communication skills seem pretty good to me. Maybe at your first session with your new therapist you can hand them a little letter describing your goals and troubles. Like you did in your OP.

 

 

I think it seemed like he wanted me / expected me to be insulted. I think he was as confused as I was.

 

He had a point. I do think the world revolves around me when I am emotional. I become paranoid. When I have strong feelings, my brain gets all fuzzy and I forget rational conclusions. Since most of the time I was in the session I was emotional, I bet he thought this was just the way I am all the time. Thank God, I'm not.

 

As for considering myself a victim, he had a good point there, too.

 

For a long time, I didn't want to change my career as a teacher. I taught overseas until I was in my 30's, which is much longer than most American expat teachers. So many countries, so many languages, such colorful cultures. That was amazing. And, I didn't suck as a teacher. I am great at drawing cute / funny cartoons on the fly, which goes a long way with teaching ESL. As I aged / attached myself to a husband, it became harder and harder to find work, but I was successful abroad for 10 years, to an extent.

 

I wanted to teach in the states, too, initially. My husband kind of pushed me to quit, but at the time I was excited about starting a life at home. We didn't decide to split up until we live with his folks for a long time after that. As soon as the plane landed, I was talking with school systems and non-profits trying to get my foot in a door, thinking something great would happen.

 

I collected over 100 rejections over a year's time before I decided to go in a different direction. It could be that I'm a victim of a bad economy or that I have the world's worse interview skills. If I take into account that 10 years ago I had successful interviews in the states - maybe 1 out of 3 or 4 ended in offers - I think it is fair to consider myself a victim of the economy or of prejudiced views (ageism, mistrust of experience and references abroad, maybe even sexism?).

 

I understand that I have weaknesses that affect my job / my job search / school / my relationship with my husband. Weaknesses like misunderstanding / miscommunication / too much anxiety / occasional carelessness. I asked the therapist for ADHD medication / anxiety medication recommendations to help me with these weaknesses. He said this would be a bad idea, something about drugs being a "band-aid". "You need to change your mindset." I asked how.

 

The therapist told me I need to walk away and find circumstances in which these weaknesses would not be issues. His suggestion was to start with a visit my parents. At the time, I felt very angry about this suggestion. My parents struggle from the same weaknesses I have, are facing bankruptcy, and have rubbed my weaknesses / my failures in my face from time to time. It would be difficult to formulate a successful plan at their place. The therapist asked about friends / churches, and I didn't understand what he was asking for or where his train of thought was going. I was still angry about the thought of visiting my parents while struggling.

 

Looking back, I think my emotions prevented me from benefiting from his guidance. The ideas of taking a break and of having supportive parents are nice ideas. Maybe if I approached my parents with the right attitude, I could get insight from them. Maybe changing my attitude is the key to climbing out of my mess. But, lol, I don't want to change my attitude. You see, I'm a victim, and I need the world to change to make me successful again. Ha ha. Where's my fairy godmother and three wishes? Can't he just hire me as his receptionist and pay $20 / hour?

 

The main reason I'm seeing another therapist is because I still want meds. I've been struggling with trying to change my mindset without them all my life.

 

I meet my next therapist tomorrow. I think I will go with a pad in my hand. Maybe my main mode of communication should be via writing / cartoon drawing. I'm so much more successful at that.

 

Do any of you have advice on meds? Will ADHD medicine make me more nervous? Is there anxiety medication that could help with my social problems?