Mutual attraction or all in my head

[Tenacious123]

So I work with a guy that I find attractive. We have a long work history together. We have spent a lot of time together working on projects, going to lunch, and having drinks after work. We are both in relationships and nothing will ever happen between us beyond just being friends/colleagues. However, I can't help but think that he is attracted to me by the way he looks at me. He tries to not make it obvious but I have caught him looking at my chest and legs. He used to rub my arm and just smile at me. This has been going on for a very long time (5 years). He is now the senior manager in my dept and I have can't help but think that he is attracted to me. I wouldn't blame him because the feeling could be mutual. I think we both realize this but would never dare say anything. Recently I made a point of bringing in photos of me, my children, and a picture of me with my husband. Each time he comes over to my desk he takes a close look at these pictures but never says anything not one comment. Most people in the office say something like your children look just like you or hey is that your husband. But not him.

[LostInTheWild]

Let it die. Relationships that go sour in the workplace ruin lives.

[PlumPrincess]

What's the question again? Are you looking for tipps to start a secretive office affair? Is leaving your children and husband an option? Or do you want to do this parallel thing?

[BeholdtheMan]

Do you get an ego boost from strangers on the internet saying "yeah, this guy is like totally into you"?

 

You're both married/in a relationship. Let these thoughts die. By the way, if you have decently shaped legs and breasts, guys will look. It's a natural instinct. He probably looks at the legs and breasts of every decent-looking women he comes into close contact with. It doesn't make you special

[coffeebean201]

it is like playing with fire.

 

if you don't plan to "be together", you have to increase the presence of your husband in the work environment. Have your hubby send flowers to the office. Make time for an "away" weekend together, somewhat around the same time as the flowers arriving, so workmate knows your marriage is vibrant and yours, though probably a little staid.

 

people are really sensitive. If you pull away from the workmate a little, he will sense it. So it has to be more a celebration of what you have at home, rather than a pulling away at work.

 

hard to explain, but hopefully that helps:)

[Tenacious123]

That's not it at all. Problem is that I have no one to talk to about this issue. It has been eating at me for a long time. I have tried to put distance between us almost to the point of giving him the cold shoulder. I have thought about quitting my job...things are just better when I don't have to be around him. However, I am at a good place in my career...up for a promotion and I am very conflicted. Relationships are complicated...I have been married for 17 years....I have two wonderful children that are 17 and 15. Coming from a broken home myself and having a tumultuous childhood I never wanted that for my children. So whether I love my husband or not isn't near as important as providing stability for my children. I am a strong, career focused professional woman, mother, and wife but I too have feelings/emotions. The question is how do I navigate through this stage in my life and move beyond this awkwardness with my senior manager.

[oopsydropsy]

Same situation here...baffling, almost think its like a poker face.

How have you handled it?

[Tenacious123]

So my way of dealing with this situation has been to put distance between us. Not being around him and not spending time with him has helped me feel better in general. I have put more energy effort into my relationship with my husband and have focused more on my family. I often talk about my children and husband at work to re-emphasize my relationship and how happy I am. I try to stay away from my senior manager as much as possible. Apparently this has caused strain on our relationship. Last week he asked me to go to lunch with him. I had so much anxiety built up and I really didn't want to go to lunch with him but didn't think I was allowed to say no. SO I went. It was very awkward. He drove...as I was getting into his vehicle he apologizes for it not being clean. As we are driving he makes a comment about how he hasn't shaved or had his hair cut. He mentions the fact that he has a lot of gray in his facial hair. All I say is that I just had my hair done to cover up the gray. He tries to make small talk. I don't say much. So we arrive at the restaurant and I just feel a sense of not wanting to be there. We're seated at the table and I am feel tense. He says I look pensive...anxious. He tells me that he is ordering a steak and makes a comment that I eat like a bird. I order a salad. I am waiting for him to just get it out tell me why we are here.

 

He tells me that he's concerned that I am not connecting well with my direct reports. He thinks I have a female complex....chip on my shoulder. I feel like I am under attack. I tell him that I have good relationships with my employees. That if I didn't I wouldn't know about their hobbies, families, etc. I spend time with them,,,,take them to lunch, dinner, ask them about how they are doing, etc...etc.

 

He makes some points that are valid but I start taking the comments personally and I can feel myself start to tear up. I know by an hour in when keeps coming back to the female complex that I am going to lose it if he doesn't stop. The lunch last nearly two hours and I feel bad. Like I am not a good manager...that I am not doing a good job. The lunch has only made me feel worse about myself and our relationship. On the way out of the restaurant he makes a point to rub my shoulder. I don't want him to touch me. At work the next day the same thing...makes the point to rub my shoulder. I don't like it. I want to ask him to not touch me but I am afraid to lose my job or put more distance between us which could hurt my career.

 

I truly don't like feeling like this. It's not fair.

[GG3]

Wow. In what way is he saying you have a female complex? Did he say what behaviors make think so?

 

I wouldn't like him touching me either. Annoying.

[Yasuandio]

Ok, read your first post a year ago. You sort of played along with this situation. Then you backed off when it was too hot to handle. He's your senior Manager - and apparently didnt appeciate the slow fade, and feels rejected.

 

Therefore, he now perceives that your work is suffering by way of not "connecting well with your direct reports." As your Senior ManAger, it was his duty to bring you out to lunch, discuss his grey bread hair and point out your "female complex" that seems to be the problem at work. If only you had all that on tape. Then proceeds to touch your body inappropriatly. That is sexual harrassment - my dear.

 

While you may have played a coy role in stimulated his desire for you, and hurting his "manhood" by rejecting him by backing off this situation (which was the smart thing to do), you absolutely do not deserve to be treated in such a way. The problem with such matters is proving them. He could be way ahead of you in documenting you work performance from a negative viewpoint.

 

It could be a mess. And even if you expose his wrong doing, it is a "he said - she said" matter, and often is reflected onto the woman (via the nuts or sluts excuse to get rid of her). I would gather every iota of evidence, or search for another job. You dont want to fight this - these employment legal battles can ruin your career. That happened to me. Move on before the kettle starts boiling. Unless you have proof of an EA with him that will scare him (but this risks your marriage).

 

Sorry hon. It is not good. Tape him next time. Yas