How to gracefully tell a co-worker to stop touching me?

[Col1]

I'm a guy who works in a small office. We normally don't have a receptionist, but hired a temporary receptionist for our extra busy season. She's in her early 40s, married, and has been a Stay-At-Home-Mom who's going back college full-time in the fall.

 

On her first day of work, she needed to ask me a question. My client and I were so engrossed on our project that neither of us noticed her walk in. She put her arm around my waist to get my attention. Then she kept it there until I finished my answer to her. I felt awkward about it, but didn't want to say or do anything in front of the client. A half-hour later I felt it was too weird to bring it up, so I just let it go. I thought it was a one time event.

 

One her second and third days of work last week, she grabbed my arm and my shoulder to get my attention. She squeezed my forearm at the end of asking me a question. The touching is not done in a sexual way. However, I feel it crosses a professional boundary. I like hugging and touching, just not from strangers at work.

 

Should I say something to her? I don't want to offend her. Plus, she's going back to college in six weeks when the summer temp position ends, so maybe I should just continue to ignore it. She handles the coordination of my files and the scheduling for my clients, so I don't want it to be weird if she takes it the wrong way. How can I gracefully tell her to stop touching me?

[SoleMate]

Practice removing her hands from you and saying, "Hey, hands to yourself" in a way that sounds like "Where is the copy paper?" or "Please hand me the stapler." You can dress it up with a pained smile if you want. Just keep any possible drama out of your voice and I'm sure it will be fine.

[PlumPrincess]

Practice removing her hands from you and saying, "Hey, hands to yourself" in a way that sounds like "Where is the copy paper?" or "Please hand me the stapler." You can dress it up with a pained smile if you want. Just keep any possible drama out of your voice and I'm sure it will be fine.

You could maybe add a little joke like "just looking, no touching!"

[TaraMaiden]

Does she have European blood....?

[PlumPrincess]

Does she have European blood....?

Europe is not an island on the other side of the ocean with a homogenous population...

[TaraMaiden]

I'm European,and very tactile.

That's why I asked.

[todreaminblue]

If someone did that to me, i would get distance immediately, I would smile and move away, if it continued I would wait until I could catch them alone and just say "I dont feel comfortable with you touching me in front of clients or any time really, as I consider it to be highly unprofessional in the workplace ..... I would appreciate if you didn't continue to do this thankyou ...."

 

 

if this form of dominant behavior continues.....make a report and send it to the correct authority....good luck... with this awkward situation....deb

[KathyM]

Backing away from the person is what I would recommend also. I know some people IRL who are very touchy/feeley, and tend to put their hands on or arms around people in inappropriate settings, such as business settings. I would suggest when you see this woman coming and reaching for you, you either step away, drop your arm if she is reaching for your arm, or some other form of creating distance. My husband has had to create this distance when women try to make friendly physical contact, and I have had to do this as well. I wouldn't say anything at this point, since her intentions may be benign, but I would suggest creating distance and enforcing your personal space through your body posture and manner.

[PlumPrincess]

I actually rarely have this problem. In fact, I've noticed that people are more shy when it comes to hugging me.

[TaraMaiden]

TbH, it also depends on the vibes people give out.

There are some people I shy away from touching because I just get the impression their 'personal space boundary' is very close to them.

With others, I get no such impression, and I'm always in 'hand on the back, touch of the elbow, fingers on the upper arm' or whatever, mode.

 

I have never, ever had anyone say to me "Please don't do that".

[KathyM]

I think most people respect personal boundaries, but there are some who are too touchy feely in an inappropriate setting, such as in the work place.

[TaraMaiden]

Given that a huge percentage of my day is spent in my 'work place' that's where most of my touching takes place.

As I have said - nobody's ever, but ever, objected.

[tbf]

Personal space is important to some and not to others. It's up to the touchy person to respect another person's boundaries but it's also up to the individual who dislikes the touching to express their dislike.

 

If someone's touching you, you don't have to say anything. Freeze and stare pointedly at their hand(s). Most with any social skill will remove their hands and back off. For the ones with no social skills, those are the ones who will need you to verbalize your distaste. When stating it, don't begin it off with apology like "Sorry, but". If you wish to ameliorate it a bit, you can start it off with "No offense intended but I don't really like being touched by people I don't know very well". If she gets upset, she's a temp so who cares.

[Col1]

Thank you for your replies. Today, I had made it through almost the whole day without this receptionist lady touching me. Then on my way out to a late lunch break, she pat her hand on my upper back. I didn't see it coming. Since I was starving, I didn't want to stop, address it, and then leave on a sour note.

 

If she gets upset, she's a temp so who cares.

Even though I'm the permanent employee with college degree and certifications, she does have a little "power" over me. She can muck things up for my clients & I, walk away scott-free, and make me clean-up the "mess." I don't know her very well (she's not my direct employee) and don't want to push any sensitive buttons. She gets along with other female employees like the bookkeeper, sales managers, and owner. She could say that I created a hostile a hostile environment and doesn't feel like coming into work. There will be a big HR interview (involving the main office) and an investigation. Then the women will still look at me like I'm the one with the problem! I've seen it happen before. I've got to be careful and handle this gracefully.

 

You know, I might try changing my attitude about this. She's only here six more weeks. Also, her touching is not done is suggestive way. Maybe I am overreacting? And, since I'm not dating right now, it's practically the only human touch I felt in a long time. So I should just go with the flow.

 

But I will keep your other suggestions above in mind in case her touching starts giving bad impressions to clients. Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

As I've pointed out, she may simply be a tactile person...

 

Some studies have been done, and trials conducted to show that those on the receiving end of a light brief contact with someone else, are more receptive and empathetic to that person.....

 

When a person hugs or affectionately touches another, the brain chemical oxytocin is released, helping to strengthen social bonds, among other actions.

 

Admittedly the above study is relevant to those suffering from depression, but it demonstrates the results.

 

Here are others....

 

Social Touch: Building or Breaking Connections | World of Psychology

 

This one's interesting too....

 

Kino, the Art of Touch | Social & Dating Coaching | Attractology

 

In some research, they created situations where a person was supposedly at a disadvantage, or in mild distress, and in seeking assistance from others, lightly touched them and created a subconscious bond with the other person.

Those people touched, were more sympathetic, helpful and kinder towards the people touching them.

And really, it was just a light touch, and imperceptible and very brief connection.

 

Unless she's smacking you on the rump, and making lewd eye movements at you, I would suggest that it seems that it's just her way....

Instead of bristling and thinking the motives may be ulterior, it is exactly as you suggest: A case of maybe reviewing YOUR attitude and examining your boundaries, and seeking to understand why you feel 'invaded'.

 

I'm in no way suggesting you're wrong to feel the way you do. But it's admirably perceptive of you to consider that perhaps, your evaluation may need re-thinking.