Co-worker is being nice

[Kamila]

Okay, this time I'm on my guard like 200 %

I had a thing with a co-worker a year ago, and I had a very hard time getting over him. I'm not repeating that again !

 

So here's the story. A new colleague arrived from another department into my cubicle. We sit right in front of each other. We even went to the same college and graduated in the same year. But we never bumped into each other.

Soon, we exchanged college stories, which soon lead to other stuff like hobbies, interests, etc ... Too much in a short time if you tell me. It was like 'click!'

 

Hummm, then he tells me about his gf, they have been together for years, they are building a house, blabla.

Nice (So he's taken, I should back away a bit, let's say, back away completely).

 

Now, here's the thing, he keeps asking me stuff. How my weekends were, what books i like to read. Sending me links, wanting to talk more.

 

I'm not amused by this anymore. I know he's being coworker friendly. But I know where this is heading. And I don't want it.

 

Today, he commented about how glad he was to be back at work after the long weekend and how he's surrounded by a beauty. ()

Then he tried teasing me to gauge my reaction.

I'm not reacting anymore.

 

How do I back away from him, without him noticing ?

[pteromom]

Be nice, but not flirty. It's not that difficult to just be cold toward any kind of flirting.

 

When he says things like "surrounded by a beauty", instead of smiling, raise your eyebrows and look shocked.

 

You just have to draw a line between professional and personal.

[D-Lish]

It probably doesn't help that you have to sit in front of each other all day!

 

I'd steer any attempts at flirting to reminding him he has a gf. I had to do that with a guy from work recently- and I know his girlfriend because we all work together! I'd just make reference to her when he made an inappropriate comment. "I saw "C" this morning she is such a great girl", "How is "C" doing?" etc. He eventually took the hint and now leaves me alone.

 

I think it's one thing to be a little flirty- but you can always feel the difference between when it's harmless and when it's crossing the line.

[kamani]

Glad that you have good experience.

 

Don't go into deep conversations with him. Keep them short, but friendly. Don't encourage any kind of flirting.

 

How do I back away from him, without him noticing ?

 

 

I don't think you can do it without him noticing. Anyway stick to your way, he'll back off.

[Kamila]

Yeah, sitting in front of each other is weird, especially during silences.

My female coworker is openly flirty with him.

She even caressed his hair, because he cut his hair. Or they stand close together to discuss stuff. Or laugh. Maybe he's used to that kind of closeness with coworkers.

 

So, I tried not being like my female coworker, but try to be friendly in a professional way.

And yes, as a result today he was different, more shy, and I was more distant.

I think he felt that.

 

Yes, last year experience taught me a lot.

It taught me for example that you shouldn't let things get escalated.

But right from the start they should be tackled on.

It's harsh, but so much better for later on.

But then again, last year experience was with a guy that openly said that he was single and that he liked me. When it got too serious between us, he said he had a gf he had been split off some months ago. That hurt a lot and I knew I had to let him go. Even if I had liked him very much (I even dare to say I was infatuated with him)

Anyway, two different scenarios here...

[Kamila]

Let's write a little update about my hormone driven colleague.

 

He's not quiting to get my attention. In fact he's trying to be more creative about getting my full devotion.

 

Negative point is that it's not going well at work at all. Our manager isn't delivering well and it's stressing me to the point i'm now a week sick at home .

 

Before getting sick, my coworker was trying to know what was my favourite movie, getting me chocolate, asking me about my hobbies. I know he's trying to be nice, but hey, he's just too much for me to handle. A stressy job AND stressy atmosphere with coworker.

 

And he's throwing me these looks in meetings or just sitting in front of each other, it's annoying. I know he wants some companion to kill the monotony. But i've been there and fireworks will be just be ignited.

 

I don't want it !

 

But he just doesn't want to let go, the other time he screamed my name when I entered the cubicle. It has gotten to the point I can't talk to him anymore and he laughed a bit and said it was easier to break open an Oyster.

 

Meh.

[StrongLass]

And he's throwing me these looks in meetings or just sitting in front of each other, it's annoying. I know he wants some companion to kill the monotony. But i've been there and fireworks will be just be ignited.

 

I don't want it !

 

But he just doesn't want to let go, the other time he screamed my name when I entered the cubicle. It has gotten to the point I can't talk to him anymore and he laughed a bit and said it was easier to break open an Oyster.

 

Meh.

 

Flirty taken guys suck don't they?

 

Have you tried talking to him about it in a tactful way? 'Cause otherwise he might keep trying simply because you've become a challenge If he has any decent amount of respect for you he should listen.

[Kamila]

No, I haven't said it to him black on white, I just nod when he talks or I just try to avoid any conversation. It's weird, because in the beginning we were doing fine, this thing just started when we starting talking. You know, getting to know each other. I went through something similar with another coworker last year, and I got really burnt.

 

I think that if I should confront him with it, he would know instantly that I'm bothered with it. Isn't that showing some kind of white flag in front of him ? I don't want to confront him, I just want him to leave me alone. Meh.

 

Respect ? How do I make him respect me ? I'm not flirty, I'm not doing anything to get his attention. It's just the situation that makes it difficult. Mmmm.

 

Well, with my previous coworker it escalated real bad, to the point I started crying in front of him cos I thought he wasn't serious about us. That he considered it a fling or something nothing of value. I felt cheap and used and since that day, he didn't bothered me anymore. But that wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted him to slow down or whatever ... Guys just act really stupid around me.

 

PS: other things he did to get my attention... showing me where he lives on Google street view, where he jogs, the new Google, sending me links of Shakespeare works, opening doors for me, laughing stupidly when I make a remark, asking to join him at lunch at noon, ...

Edited October 4, 2013 by Kamila
Other information

[Kamila]

Today was my first day back at work. Lots of work has piled up, lots of mails to read...

 

And back at the office with my flirty coworker in front of me.

 

In the morning he was normal, I was wondering when he would unleash his flirtiness again. Nothing in sight after noon, good, it was really nice to work in a professional environment.

 

But that changed radically when my coworker was back from a meeting.

He was waving at me, almost stupidly, I just gave a little shy smile.

And I returned to my work.

 

Then he almost shouted at me for not noticing me, I think I heard him saying 'Jeezzz...'

 

Er... I think he's getting annoyed by me for something...

[BreakOnThrough]

Just tell him to leave you alone, that you have a lot of work to do. If he continues, tell your manager. Work relations don't need to be so complicated.

[Teknoe]

Jeez, he sounds so annoying. I'm a guy, but if I were a girl, I'd so hate that.

 

Some guys just can't take a hint well enough. They need to be bashed over the head with it.

[jimloveslips]

Is there a boss above him?

Do you have HR at work?

Unwanted attention like this is sexual harassment and is a serious offense.

Maybe someone needs to talk to him to prevent you from taking this further.

You have the right to work in a harassment free environment.

[Kamila]

Yes, his boss (a woman) is sitting right next to him. And she loves his attention...

And at the workplace, it's considered 'normal' to be that outgoing.

This other colleague with whom he hits it off, is continuously coming into our cubicle. There goofing around, being almost flirty. He even pushed her two times just 'for fun'.

I was like ... what is wrong with these people ? If their partners knew ...

 

And to top all of this, we got a radio and it's playing all day long.

 

But there is some progress, he's leaving me a bit alone. And each time we exchange some words, it's with a bit more respect than in the beginning...

I think he changed a bit, because this week I was a bit shocked that he said my handwriting was almost unreadable... He apologized , because he thought he offended me. Well he did, I was tired of his persistent comments. Hehe I demanded respect.

[D-Lish]

Yes, his boss (a woman) is sitting right next to him. And she loves his attention...

And at the workplace, it's considered 'normal' to be that outgoing.

This other colleague with whom he hits it off, is continuously coming into our cubicle. There goofing around, being almost flirty. He even pushed her two times just 'for fun'.

I was like ... what is wrong with these people ? If their partners knew ...

 

And to top all of this, we got a radio and it's playing all day long.

 

But there is some progress, he's leaving me a bit alone. And each time we exchange some words, it's with a bit more respect than in the beginning...

I think he changed a bit, because this week I was a bit shocked that he said my handwriting was almost unreadable... He apologized , because he thought he offended me. Well he did, I was tired of his persistent comments. Hehe I demanded respect.

 

SO, just wondering what the problem has become for you now. Is it that you find him charming and attractive- but are repelled by the fact that he has a gf and can't stop remembering you were burned before?

 

Are you actually attracted to him? I'm getting confused the more I read.

 

I work with several guys like this.... SEVERAL! They enrich life at work because they make the work atmosphere a little more fun. I am not attracted to any of them though- so there is no strife in dealing with them. Obnoxious, funny, flirty- whatever- it doesn't matter- their behaviour doesn't affect me because I have no emotional investment in them.

 

I have to admit, that where I work- there is flirty interaction- not line crossing stuff. There are 500 people in the building where I work.

 

Am I reading this wrong that you're attracted to him- and resent that he flirts with you because he has a gf? The only way I could see that as being a problem is if you are fighting feelings for him.

 

I work in a flirty environment- but it doesn't affect me because I'm not attracted to the people I have to interact it- so it's just friendly, fun banter. I go home, and I don't think about anyone unless I see them the next day and they obnoxiously remind me of their presence.

 

Am I wrong that you are fighting an attraction for this guy? You resent him because he sits next to you and he flirts- and maybe you have feelings you don't want to have?

[Kamila]

If he didn't have a gf, I would be more comfortable of course. He has a gf, for almost 10 years, they are living together, bought a house. He's like a big STOP sign.

 

I would love to see him just as a colleague, or even a as friend. But that's not possible, there is just too much connection. It's like you said, a constant fight.

 

Why all the flirts, the constant firing conversations, why not being more neutral ? I just don't get it. I just want him to leave me alone.

[Kamila]

Here's a little update for those that are interested in reading:

 

Things have cooled down between us.

 

Another coworker with whom he's best buddies is making more frequent visits in our cubicle. She's all over him, talking about her private life with him, having lunch, almost flirting... I'm just watching them and saying nothing. She's also excited that we're going to move into a much bigger cubicle, and that she'll sit next to him. Ehem

 

What is peculiar, is that he sometimes looks at me when he talks to her, to involve me into their conversation. (To be honest, I don't really care what they talk about, it's their business).

 

So the atmosphere between us is that we barely talk, only when someone walks into our cubicle and asks a question. My coworker joked by saying that it's really silent at our place. I just smiled a bit. The radio plays all day long, so we're just enjoying each other's company without saying anything...

 

Last friday he sent me an email from his mobile while we were in a meeting. He forwarded some mail and he would have liked to see the progress of it. I just replied with the answer.

 

Today he asked me by mail if I got the mail he sent me last week. (He's working from another office, so he's keeping touch by mail)

I told him "yes, I even put you in the queue of the mail. "Then he sent me an email with a big . Then I got some other mails of him. With info of whatever. Why spamming my box with his mails , weird ...

 

Well maybe it had got something to do with yesterday, there was a guy that kept coming into our office with this question and I helped them. Then as soon as I wanted to go home my coworker screamed my name and wanted me to stay just to see the answer. I was like, jeez, just let me go ...

 

I'm confused. Any guy insight would be very much appreciated !

[Kamila]

Things are getting annoying between us. By drawing boundaries, he's getting agitated to the point he's asking why I'm a quiet person.

 

I just can't communicate with that guy. I just want to do my job. I can talk to anyone, but he's just too much for me to handle. And even when we have a small conversation about whatever, he laughs stupidly and I can't even make a proper phrase.

 

Luckily this week we're moving into an open space. Hehe, other people around us will make this bizarre environment more bearable.

[Kamila]

Co-worker sets serious tone and tells me, while looking at me but surrounded by other people:

 

"When women feel pain in their tongue, it means they are lacking sexual activity..."

 

:confused:

 

My boss starts laughing and I just had a blank stare.

 

My co-worker was still explaining his statement while I was processing all this...

 

Err... really ???

[Ecominocan]

Познавательно.

[Kamila]

Ecominocan ? I don't understand..

 

Anyway, for those still interested in the situation with my co-worker, here's the sequel.

 

He mentioned two times sex while talking about some random stuff, I thought he must be some horny bastard afterall.

Gah. It's the only thing i'll get out of him. During meetings he also stares at me and when I look back, he looks away ...

What works at his advantage after all this time sitting together at work is the fact that I'm more at ease around him now.

It's only when I get home, that I analyse all the day and I think, damn, it's not good at all. So that's the tactic that men use to get a woman hooked.

 

In 1 week or so, we'll move away from the cubicle to an open space.

My co-worker won't even be sitting with me anymore.

I saw the planning from my boss, and we're not in the same teams. My female co-worker whom is very attached to my coworker has even picked places where she could sit with my co-worker.

 

So, I guess that's it. We'll be separated and we won't have this funny business going on.

 

It's for the best, I got too attached and it's better to deal with the pain right now.

[truth_seeker]

 

Am I wrong that you are fighting an attraction for this guy? You resent him because he sits next to you and he flirts- and maybe you have feelings you don't want to have?

 

She likes him but doesn't want to of fear of getting hurt.

[Kamila]

That guy is taken. That's why I don't want to get attached and then be hurt when I want something back from him.

The fact he flirts with everything that's feminine (including me) is not helping me.

[Kamila]

Today I got 'the look' from him. O__O

 

That was so awkward. Until now, we've always been 'cool' in our exchanges, smiling nicely, talking normally. But today something 'changed'.

 

That look betrayed everything and I couldn't look at him anymore, and he was showing some pictures on his laptop, then he showed me what he was working on. He complained about work and how he didn't like much what he was doing...

I felt like time was standing still... and our voices were so soft and calm. Gah.

 

Isn't a taken guy supposed to 'not to flirt with other girls' ?

I don't get it.

 

Today was also the day our cubicle was being teared apart. All walls fell and we were exposed to other colleagues. By the end of next week we won't sit in front of each other, we'll be separated.

 

Pfff...

 

In the morning we had a discussion about kids and marriage. He never intends on marrying his gf he's currently living with and he doesn't want kids. Ever.

He said children is a personal choice and sometimes a waste of time and then I told him that children are the future of our society.

Then he cynically replied why we should continue with civilization. That got me enerved and all our colleagues were watching our interaction.

I left smiling sheepishly while attending another meeting. Even the person of the meeting afterwards asked me what was going on between my coworker and me. I explained his point of view. And he reminded me of how my coworker was. We're just opposites.

 

Meh. I think I'm just gutted that I'm in this situation and trying to vent.

 

He, on the contrary is being extremely quiet and not joking anymore with me. It's just weird. He's just trying being nice to me and showing me useless stuff on his computer. Yesterday he showed me his vacation videos. It's like he's using excuses for me to come near him.

 

And the neared I go to him, the more I feel time/space is dissolving and I can't think, speak, meh, it's just stupid.

 

I'm not doing anything, not making advances, not showing anything.

He's the one with all the actions, I'm just being passive and asking nothing.

It's just hard trying to be polite and not trying to be sucked into this game.

[glimpse]

Try not to give him any reactions, that will just reinforce his flirty behavior. If he ask you questions, answer them with short answers, one word answers if possible (yes/no) Eventually, he'll get the clue. Or talk about his girlfriend. Put the spotlight on how he is in a relationship and he should stop trying to connect with you.

[truth_seeker]

Try not to give him any reactions, that will just reinforce his flirty behavior. If he ask you questions, answer them with short answers, one word answers if possible (yes/no) Eventually, he'll get the clue. Or talk about his girlfriend. Put the spotlight on how he is in a relationship and he should stop trying to connect with you.

 

She is really fighting this. She wants him badly. The only resolution to this is to transfer out of his cubicle or get a new job.