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Question regarding my fiancee & co-workers


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My fiancee just recently moved in and got a job locally. She just started two weeks ago and she mentioned on monday that they were going to this restuarant for happy hour. These co-workers consists of a bunch of females and two males. I don't know any of them. All she told me was that this one guy was barred from this one restaurant after getting into a fight.

 

Anyway, she invited me with and was going to go along. But last night she told me that they decided to change where they were going to meet and that no one else is bringing their SO. So then I asked her is she wanted me with and her reply was that she would think it wouldn't be appropirate if I went while everyone else's SO didnt go. And that she wanted to get to know them first. She then had the nerve to ask if she had too much to drink if I could pick her up.

 

Needless to say I was pissed and told her off. I wasn't going to stay by the phone waiting for her to call to pick her drunk ass up. She then offered for me to come with and I declined saying it was tacky that you asked me to come with you then uninivited me. I just told her that I'll find someone else who wants to spend time with me. She then asked why I was being so revengeful.

 

As it stands now she is still going, and the place I think I am going to goto is a bar where I've went to school with the bartender (she's female). My fiancee doesn't know this, but at least I know this other chick will talk to me. She's offered for me to visit her sometime at work anyways. There was never anything between us, just friends.

 

My question is, this group of co-workers I guess goes out every friday for happy hour & drinks. What bothers me is these two guys. I have no clue who these people are and to me co-workers or not, my thinking is i'm being ditched for these people.

 

I'm just waiting for her to tell me one of them bought her a drink.. If that's the case then I truly know where she stands in this relationship and I would walk out. Am I overreacting?

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Of course we all know when alcohol is involved some people do things they shouldn't.

 

It looks as if your fiance wants to fit in with her new co workers.

 

My wife has gone out with co workers after work for a few drinks and SO's are always invited. Sometimes I go, sometimes not. There attitude is always the more the merrier; they would never say "no SO's allowed!!"

 

It is alittle odd that these people would say no SO's. Are you sure your fiance didn't just make that up so you wouldn't go? I am not saying that she is cheating but there could be some reason she doesn't want you there.

 

As far as one of those guys buying drinks, in that type of group everyone usually takes turns buying rounds for the table.

 

---

 

Well whatever you decide, forbidding her to go out or doing something rash will embarrass her in front of these co workers. That's no good. you going out to another bar and getting loaded won't help either.

You have got to just trust her I guess. It's hard to do sometimes I know. And it hurts to feel left out.

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help, this is a tough one.

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I think you are overreacting, yes. (mind that I'd probably feel the same way as you do. and I'd be overreacting too).

She was asked not to bring her SO, and she's known them for just two weeks. Maybe she was worried about mobbing. perhaps she was afraid they'd start to dislike her if she went with you. and working with ppl who don't like you can be hell.

I reckon that asking you to pick her up if she got drunk was an attempt to reassure you, like "hey, the guys are just co-workers, I'm not interested in them. See, I'm asking you to pick me up if I drink too much to show you I'd rather have you pick me up than accept a ride home from a male coworker. Look, I don't want to make you jealous. And you'll meet my coworkers when you come to pick me up"

 

sorry about bad english.

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My look on why she asked me to possibliy pick her up was because she wanted to know I was at home. She went out before with a friend and I was at her apartment. The hour she was gone, turned to be almost 2.5 hours. I was upset because I told her I would've went out myself. She then told me she would'nt have enjoyed herself because she would be thinking about me and where I was.

 

I don't know how many of these people have SO's. I'm not a jealous person, but I know what guys can do. She is very attractive and gets complimented on alot. Bar + Booze + Opposite sex people hanging out = trouble. At least to me. If she were to go out with just all female co-workers that wouldn't bother me. I asked her why she didn't want me along and she's like 'Well you don't know them', and i'm like 'No ****, it's how I get to know people'. Granted she's only been out once before without me since we've been together (been 6 months) but I told her she sees these people everyday, how come it feels like such a secret to keep me hidden? We are engaged and she wears her ring but nowadays from reading some of these stories on here that doesn't mean much. I do trust her but like I said before I felt like I was only good enough to come if she was drunk & needed a ride. I deserve more respect than that.

 

PS. She told me they didn't tell her NOT to bring her SO, but that everyone else is just going by themselves.

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Originally posted by jmargel

My look on why she asked me to possibliy pick her up was because she wanted to know I was at home. She went out before with a friend and I was at her apartment. The hour she was gone, turned to be almost 2.5 hours. I was upset because I told her I would've went out myself. She then told me she would'nt have enjoyed herself because she would be thinking about me and where I was.

 

Well, that's her problem. if she doesn't want to worry, she'd better ask you to go out with her and her co-workers.

 

ask your bartender friend to keep an eye on her :)

it's likely that you don't have anything to worry about, but if your friend tells you she has been flirting with the guys from work, you'll have every right in the world not to trust her next time!

You could also ask her not to get drunk. it would not be an unreasonable request.

also, next time she should ask you to go along. going out one time with co-workers only can be okay -it's the first time they go out together- but I don't see any reasons why she shouldn't go out with both you and them next times.

 

have you ever been somewhere with guys and ladies and asked her to stay home? I suppose not. ask her how she'd feel about it.

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I reckon that asking you to pick her up if she got drunk was an attempt to reassure you, like "hey, the guys are just co-workers, I'm not interested in them. See, I'm asking you to pick me up if I drink too much to show you I'd rather have you pick me up than accept a ride home from a male coworker.

 

I'm not too sure about this. If I was going out with co-workers who I've only known for 2 weeks, I certainly wouldn't get loaded and then have the gall to ask my fiancee who I invited and then un-invited to pick me up. If someone wanted to impress new co-workers, getting drunk at a bar with them wouldn't be the way to do that, in my opinion. I would also rethink my decision to go if all of a sudden SO's were no longer invited and probably mention it to my co-workers casually to see why. It sounds as though your fiancee wants to fit in WAY TOO badly at the expense of your feelings.

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If you don't trust your fiance, break up with her. If you get in these kinds of petty squabbles a lot, hold off on the marriage until the two of you have time to adjust to growing up. If you are jealous of her being around co-workers at a social gathering, break up with her because you have no right to tell her what to do. If you don't like her getting drunk at social gatherings with co-workers, break up with her. None of this is going to change after you get married but if you think marriage is going to give you the right to put restrictions on her that you aren't able to now, you're in for a terrible surprise.

 

I hear a hint of control issues in your post. If you're looking to have undue control over your partner, either before or after marriage, don't get married.

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Yes, you are overreacting. I have gone out with work groups often. I can't think of one instance when SOs were invited.

 

Your equation (and that of so many others on this board) that booze plus men equals sex and infidelity is way out of line and indicates the worst possible problem in any relationship - mistrust. If you cannot trust someone, then you cannot love that person. Your love should fill you with trust, not jealousy.

 

You should absolutely pick her up afterwards rather than going out to a bar to sulk and talk to another woman. She needs to go to this social event. In order to fit into a workplace, sometimes people have to socialize against their wishes - but it's in the name of being part of the group, which is important. She's only been there two weeks and certainly can't afford to rock the boat.

 

I've thought before that this marriage is premature and now I'm certain of it. As Tony suggests, you two have a lot of work to do before you'll be ready to be married.

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Originally posted by jmargel

If she were to go out with just all female co-workers that wouldn't bother me.

 

 

Granted she's only been out once before without me since we've been together (been 6 months) .

 

 

 

What difference does it make to just go out with females? There are tons of guys at bars willing to approach pretty women.

 

She has only been out, without you once in 6 months? Maybe she feels smothered.

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Originally posted by Leikela

I'm not too sure about this. If I was going out with co-workers who I've only known for 2 weeks, I certainly wouldn't get loaded and then have the gall to ask my fiancee who I invited and then un-invited to pick me up. If someone wanted to impress new co-workers, getting drunk at a bar with them wouldn't be the way to do that, in my opinion. I would also rethink my decision to go if all of a sudden SO's were no longer invited and probably mention it to my co-workers casually to see why. It sounds as though your fiancee wants to fit in WAY TOO badly at the expense of your feelings.

 

That's exactly what I'm trying to get at. Its not about a control issue. I have told her to go out with friends without me, and I have gone out to bars with my brother and she decided to stay home. That's not my fault.

 

If she were to never have invited me to begin with I wouldn't be this upset. What I am upset about is i'm allowed to go there only to pick her up if she's been drinking too much. That is very unreasonable to me. I would never ditch her and then to call her if I was drunk. Besides happy hour is only from 4-6pm and if you get drunk that early then something is wrong. What bothers me the most is that she told me all they do is talk about drinking. I'm sorry but in a crowd where one individual has already been banned from a particular bar from getting drunk and fighting is a sign of concern for me. When I told her this she just said 'Oh, he's a nice guy'.

 

And like I told her before I am not going to sit passivily while she goes out drinking and me sitting at home. If her wanting to fit in so bad to the point where it at my expense then she has to deal with the consequences. I have no problem with her making friends and I want her to but going about it this way is wrong. Everytime my company has had a get together she has always been invited.

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Fedup&givingup

Is what she doing inappropriate and insensitive? Yes.

 

Just for the sake of it, since she invited you to begin with, she never should have uninvited you. I think the fact that there are two other guys involved makes your presence with her very vital. You yourself know how guys are...they are in heat most of the time LOL.

 

On top of that, she's adding insult to injury (or danger to a situation full of jeaopardy) she's saying that she intends on getting drunk enough to possibly not be able to drive....NOT a good idea while out with two other men. All her judgements will be impaired, and ergo her inhibitions.

 

I don't blame you for being upset about this, BUT I do NOT think it's wise of you to handle this by arranging something yourself to possibly "one up her" so to speak. That kind of behavior in a relationship is destructive only, putting nails in the relationship.

 

IMO, talk to your fiance, and tell her what you are telling this forum. Don't demand anything from her (that would make the most willing person run like hell the other way), but tell her firmly what this does to you, and how it makes you feel. How she decides to react to your [/b]feelings is a BIG deal.

 

Just think before YOU act. Think about what you really want to come out of this.

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J, I think moving in together before the nuptials was a smart move. There’s really no other way to find out whether or not you are compatible with someone unless you’ve lived with them 24/7. We all tend to present the “best” of ourselves during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It isn’t until we’ve become familiar and ‘comfortable’ with the daily routine that we begin to let our guards down and reveal our true selves.

 

Your first two years are going to be bumpy…there will be many unforeseen issues to work out, negotiate and compromise on before you find out whether the two of you have what it takes as a “team” to survive the long haul. But sometimes a partnership requires that you negotiate the terms of your relationship before hand, rather than testing those invisible boundaries as you go along and creating unnecessary friction.

 

I assume you and your fiancée have done a lot of talking over years since you were very close friends before you became lovers. But have you ever sat down and discussed with each other what your expectations are and worked out the hypotheticals before finding yourselves in uncomfortable situations?

 

For example; have you ever said to your fiancée, “while I don’t mind you going out with your female colleges for a drink after work, it would make me feel uncomfortable if you went to lunch or happy hour with a male co-worker. I’m interested to know what your take is on that, and how you might feel if the situation were reversed?”

 

Then open it up for discussion and try to reach a mutual compromise BEFORE the situation ever presents itself. This way neither one of you is left guessing as to how the other may feel or react, or whether or not someone has crossed an invisible boundary that had not yet been discussed. If you spend time talking about these things and working them out before hand, then there is no room left for excuses and you adjust your decisions accordingly knowing full well the impact it will have on that relationship.

 

Talking at this point is soooooo important. You must talk, talk, talk. You are going from being single to becoming an active member of a “team” and that adjustment can be very difficult. Some have discovered, much too late, that they just aren’t cut out for it. Marriage is wonderful and all that, but if anyone goes into it thinking that they can maintain their privacy, their freedom, their independence and their right to a secluded social life absent their spouse…then they are deluding themselves and will only end up another tragic divorce statistic.

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Originally posted by jmargel

Besides happy hour is only from 4-6pm and if you get drunk that early then something is wrong.

 

 

What does time of day have to do with anything?

My brother lives in Arizona and I have been there to visit him. Sunday NFL football games start at 10am. Everybody hits the sports bars by 8 or 9 am.

If alot of crazy shots are involved it's easy to be ripped before noon.

 

--

There have been many times I was at a bar at 9 or 10 in the morning having a few cocktails to cure a bad hangover from the previous night. sometimes the cure becomes a worse drunk then the original!!

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Interesting post for me. Basically I 'found' Love Shack back when I was dealing with the same exact issues that j is today.

 

My girl was going out with people from work, getting loaded and I was having A LOT of trouble with that.

 

In retrospect.....Tony and moi pretty much have it nailed on the head. If you can't trust your woman to be on her own, do whatever she wants, and not hook-up with guys....get out of the relationship because something else is wrong. You can go ahead and throw the 'boys will be boys and try to screw everything that moves' thing around, and even try to blame your emotions on the fact that booze is involved, but the bottom line is that you have to trust your girl in ANY situation. And yeah, girls are going to get f***ed up without you, and yeah really attractive guys are going to hit on them and they will probably even be flattered by it. But you have to be confident enough in her to know that she wouldn't act on those things no matter what.

 

Interestingly enough, one of the best relationships I ever had was with a woman that was living with another guy. She was pretty cute, but he was just a friggin' knock-out (think young Paul Newman). They lived together, went out together, got loaded together and I knew all about this. I never got jealous once. I just knew that she was such a solid person that she was incapable of cheating. Too damn bad she just wouldn't move out of NYC....

 

Ce le vie.

 

WA

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I think you are over-reacting. If there is nothing wrong with her going out socially with co-workers then what does it matter what you are doing (your choice if you sit at home or go out). It's unfortunate she read the signals wrong but it sounds like she thought people would be taking their partners and then discovered they weren't, in which case it's not appropriate for you to go. If you weren't bothered by this you'd see that picking your girl up is the safe thing to do - I'm sure she'll do the same for you sometime. It may well have been an attempt to reassure. If it's not convenient, explain you can't do it and make sure she has the cab fare home.

 

What's it supposed to mean if they buy her a drink? Maybe they will buy in rounds? Why is this a make or break issue for you?

 

Most worrying is the lack of trust (both your worry about what she may get up to but also thinking she is checking up on you at home). The annoyance about the change in plan and being asked to collect her is easier to understand. I do hope it's the annoyance that's clouding your judgement and that you'll feel you can trust her when you've got over the irritation.

 

People have different expectations about the extent and type of social contact outside the relationship. You need to be clear about what both of your expectations are and be prepared to negotiate with her to reach an agreement you can both live with. Otherwise it will be a continued source of friction.

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befuddled11

JMargel,

 

You keep saying you "trust her" but a lot of what you write, and a lot of your past posts indicate the opposite. So what if she's attractive and gets hit on a lot....if you fully TRUSTED HER, what would any of that matter.....because you'd believe in your heart that she'd not lose her head and be tempted. Lots of gorgeous people out there, who are totally faithful and loyal to their partners, CAN be trusted. Now if you don't trust her to be in control of herself, because she'll be drinking (and obviously planning to get p*ssed), then that's a whole 'nuther ball game. Is she the kind of person who loses self control and lets go of her inhibitions when she's drinking? Only you know the answer to this.

 

As I said before, you both have a sh*tload of issues, consistently. I hope your wedding is a LONG ways off because neither of you seem to be at the right place in your relationship, to be entering into marriage.

 

You've contradicted yourself a bit, too. You said that none of this would be a problem had she not "uninvited you"......

 

So you mean to tell me that had she never bothered to invite you to begin with, you really wouldn't have a problem with her going out with these coworkers (which included 2 guys)??

 

And what's the need for YOU to go off to this other bar, to chat with the female bartender that you know..........that sounds like an immature, revengeful type of act to me. Have you ever gone to visit with her before? If not, you're obviously only doing it now to get back at your fiancee..because you're hurt and angry. So does this mean that anytime in the future, if your fiancee does something you don't agree with or like, you're going to purposely go out and do something that you know will possibly upset her? Tit for tat? That's not the way a couple who's planning on marrying should act. That sounds like junior high school stuff to me.

 

Isn't it true your fiancee has had "issues" with living with you in the past...that she's wanted to "be on her own" and have her freedom, etc? So now she's decided to live with you..and it doesn't sound like it's been for very long. You're going to drive her away if you don't get your insecurity and jealousy issues in check....because she's no doubt already feeling like she doesn't have the freedom to change her mind or have a social life.

 

I think you really need to sit down and examine your feelings.....and be honest with yourself and figure out WHY you don't totally trust her. It matters nothing that she's a good looking woman.......if you trust her, you trust her. If she's never given you any reason to NOT trust her, then the issue is all yours to come to terms with.

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I appeciate all of your advice and maybe in some ways I don't trust her. It's not that I don't 'trust' her, but that she comes off as a very happy, sociable person. If she were to be that way to another man, I know there are men that pick that up as flirting. She's the type to be able to look into your eyes and smile in a certain way. I've seen it happen before with my own eyes.

 

I trust her in the event if a guy comes upto her and hits on her or puts a move on her. I guess part of her past haunts me a little. She did cheat on her ex, but at that time her ex was really neglecting her and treating her bad. That and also we had a big fight last Saturday where she was going to leave me.

 

We went out Sat. night and she said we could go wherever I wanted. So I called my brother up and went to this bar which had a band we all liked. We were there before and she never complained about it and has told me she had a good time. My brother usually stays at home unless he's with us. The drive was about 30 mins to get there.

 

Well, the place was very packed and as soon as we got there I paid covered she wanted to leave. I was kinda shocked, but thought she was just being a brat. I bought drinks and we headed upstairs. She kept insisting that we leave and I told her no. To at least give us 30 mins to finish our drinks. I really wanted to see that band as well. Well, she took off downstairs and about 10 mins later I found her. I talked to her some and she was refusing to even comprimise. I went back upstairs to get my brother and found her at the bar. So we talked some and she was continuing to be more agressive in that we leave. The time I had there wasn't enjoyable. I guess then you can say I blew a gasket. I didn't yell at her, but just told her that 'You are acting like a bitch'. Well, that didn't go over well, with her saying 'No one is ever called me that'. Well she was acting like one, so I call it as I see it. Anyway, she laid the ring on the bar and said she's moving out. After I told her before to not use the ring that way. Well the night was pretty well shot and we slept on different couches. The next morning we talked for about two hours and made up. Since then it hasn't been brought up but I am still hurt that she could take off that ring, look me in the eye and say it's over. My ex-fiancee used to do that and it just drove me away. I had to take into consideration though she just went cold-turkey on her anti-depressants which was not a good thing to do and was PMSing.

 

We both agreed we need to work on ourselves some. Me with my insecurity about life in general and her with her comprimising.

 

Anyway, with all that happening last Sat. and with this, I have a tendancy to look and prepare myself for the worst. It was evident last night when I turned her down for sex.

 

And you're right we do need to communicate in a more effective means. She agreed to goto counciling w/ me before the wedding. I don't want this relationship to be a power struggle but I would just like some comprimises and to be more sensitive to things. She has gotten better but like she said she has always gotten what she wanted, and the way she wanted. That doesn't fly in a relationship. This is also the first time she's lived with someone.

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I can see why this upset you so much now. Jmargel, it's clear you love each other very much and that's the most important thing. It sounds like you know what the issues are, the counselling is a really good idea. Meanwhile try and get her to agree that the bottom line for both of you is that no matter how annoyed either of you are, you NEVER threaten to leave (you implied you were going to do that in your first post). It's about the most destructive thing anyone can do to a relationship.

 

Just as things can quickly spiral in a negative direction as they have recently, so they can quickly improve as well. One of you needs to swallow their pride and start showing a little generosity and trust when things begin to go wrong - otherwise it's hard to break the cycle. Things will improve, I'm sure. Is this a good time for her to go cold turkey? Learning to live with someone else can be a stressful as well as a rewarding experience.

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befuddled11

The issue last Sat. night at that bar, very weird. Considering she was open to going "wherever you wanted", and she didn't object in the least to going to that particular place....yes, her behavior was very bratty and b*tchy....not to mention immature and selfish. She obviously was only thinking of herself......and nothing at all about you or your brother. She felt it was okay to ruin your night and his? Is this "princess-type" behavior of hers common?

 

So what was her actual REASON for suddenly wanting to leave that place? Did she even give you one?

 

I agree.....using her engagement ring like that, that's wrong. And cruel and hurtful. My ex husband, back when we were engaged, used to pull that crap. Only with him, he would get in one of his "moods" and he'd wrestle me to get it off my finger....and then he'd make me beg to get it back (sometimes I had to beg for a week). And then when we were married, he was no stranger to getting in one of his p*ssy, abusive, manipulative moods and he'd pull off his wedding band and toss it across the house, saying "that's it, I don't want to be married" (the first time he did the latter, we'd only been married about 3 months -- I was devastated).

 

If she pulled this kind of stunt, by removing her ring at a bar, no less, and telling you then that it was over......despite the fact that you've "made up", I would have to wonder if she's seriously having underlying 'second thoughts' about your engagement and relationship. If it's not that, then maybe she's the kind of person who "hits below the belt" when she's not getting her own way?? (eg....she wanted to leave the bar that night, you didn't, so she figured she'd hurt you by giving back the ring, knowing THEN that you'd be upset and angry and that THEN you'd want to leave (her getting her way)).

 

Is this relationship really worth all the crap, JMargel? You sound like such a nice, caring, respectful, intuitive guy......and it sounds to me that she brings a ton of baggage into your relationship, and that she causes your relationship a lot of stress and drama. Is it really worth it? Every relationship takes "work".....but this much work? This much drama? This much tension? I think you deserve better, quite frankly. She sounds like a spoiled little brat who takes full advantage of your kindness and ability to make her happy.

 

How long have you 2 now been living together?

 

Maybe her returning the ring was sparked by her not being happy living together? She feels smothered or a real lack of freedom now? Didn't she have issues in the past with living together? Fearing that doing so would cause her to lose her sense of freedom?

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befuddled11

You'd written:

 

"...she just went cold-turkey on her anti-depressants..."

 

Does this mean she quit her antidepressants cold turkey? If so, that's very dangerous. A lot of antidepressants require very gradually weaning yourself off of them, under a doctor's guidance/supervision. For example, I know with Paxil, if a person has been on them for any length of time and they quit cold turkey, it can cause disasterous effects.

 

Which antidepressant was she on and for how long had she been on it?

 

How many days ago did she "quit"?

 

I'd seriously encourage you to encourage her to get herself to a doctor...to discuss her having done this. You might also want to do some reading up on that particular medication....to read any warnings it might have about whether it's not advised to just "quit cold turkey" and what the possible effects of doing so might be.

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Meanwhile try and get her to agree that the bottom line for both of you is that no matter how annoyed either of you are, you NEVER threaten to leave (you implied you were going to do that in your first post). It's about the most destructive thing anyone can do to a relationship.

 

Ditto the excellent advice from Meanon!

 

Also, you should both agree to NEVER again exchange insults, make character assignations or call each other names no matter how heated the argument gets. Nor should you EVER compare you current partner’s flaws to those of a previous relationship-gone-wrong. (At least, not out loud!) This only adds fuel to the fire and creates lingering resentment that will turn you into adversaries.

 

Let me tell ya, my current partner and I struggled with some very emotional issues in the beginning, and through many tearful and heated discussions, we agreed early on to never insult or demean each other no matter how much we disagreed. We have never called each other a name, shouted an insult, or used the other as an emotional punching bag. Because of this, we were able to recover from an argument with no hard feelings and it has helped us TREMENDOUSLY in learning how to communicate our feelings and become better listeners. It’s important to feel ‘safe’ with the person you are communicating with. You can’t open up if you are in ‘defense’ mode and are blocking and/or exchanging verbal jabs. Communication breaks down and all you'll achieve is a stalemate. (a.k.a. Three nights alone on the couch!) :(

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She does have a princess complex. Yet it's weird. She can be very caring and loving then get into this selfish attitude. In like planning the wedding. She thinks it's 'her' day and she is queen. It's like my wants don't even matter. She wanted this wedding song which is almost like an upbeat dance song. I'm totally against it, so her reaction was to ask everybody we knew what they thought, thinking if a few agreed with her then it might change my mind. She then 'compromises' by saying she wants that song to be the song before she walks down the isle and she's chosen another one. What kind of compromise is that? None, if you ask me. I even told her I was willing to have that song if there was a slower version that existed. She has everything else in the wedding planned out, which I didn't even bother voicing any of my concern because I know it's futile. She said 'I' could plan the honeymoon even though she's told me numerous times she doesn't even want one. And that 'I' could pick out the tux, until last week when she told me she wanted me dressed in a certain way.

 

I won't live a life like that.

 

She told me that the man should let the woman do all the planning and the wedding's she's been to and the way her father acts, guys wouldn't care. Her ex was like that too. I then told her those are the guys who don't last in a relationship which is evident by her dad's second failing marriage.

 

I've told her time & time again to see a doctor and to get back on those meds. Yet she doesn't want my advice she just wants me there to listen to her. She's even promised me she'd call but hasn't.

 

I have given alot to her. Not just material wise but emotionally. She knows I'm a huge animal lover and wanted a second german shepherd. She then 'wanted' a dog of her own so bad.. So, what did I do? We got one (a small pekingnese) but now the thought of three dogs repulses her. I just see a pattern like I had with my ex. I don't know if it's something I do that causes this, or whether this is common in women or do I just have bad luck like this?

 

She just moved in two weeks ago and we are still adapting to each other. She gets upset over the little things as well, such as messing up dinner. She puts herself down even though she's never cooked on a gas stove.

 

She knows she has this princess complex and I can see she is wanting to change. Her family has told me that she does love me so much and in her heart I know she does.

 

We are different in quite a few ways but yet there is a bond between us that we've never felt with anyone else. Yes I made the mistake of calling her a bitch but at that point I didn't know what else to say. I didn't say it mean, I said it trying to break the tension but with the mood she was in I should've known it was going to be taken that way. She has never insulted me with words so I have to give her that.

 

Her real reason for wanting to leave the place is because she said it was a 'redneck' bar and the music they were playing were for people who are messed up. IDK, it was regular rock music to me and I liked it. She is into dancing, and the clubs. I like the clubs as well but wanted some variation. And the only place around us is not the greatest. Her ex hangs out there & i've already had an encounter with his goons. She no longer has contact with him (that I know of). And it's not about jealously with the ex and going there. Its about us living in peace. When I go out I shouldn't have to be on 'guard'.

 

With her past she's been neglected alot which was done by her dad and her ex. She's also been raped when she was younger and last year had her step-dad put the moves on her. So the men in her life have only shown her bad things & not caring. Her mom was the same way, she dated a really great guy but dumped him because he was too 'nice'. Now she's married to this alcoholic loser who uses her. Her mom still doesn't know about the situation between her & her step-dad.

 

I am willing to work through any baggage & problems she has. But she needs to be more sensitive about my feelings. It's just I wish I knew how to break this princess complex of hers. To me a relationship is 50/50 and even the wedding. The other night I told her 'You are marrying me, not yourself' and her reply was 'I wish I could marry myself' even though she was joking about it, it still made me think. Sorry my original post has turned into this but its just something I need some advice on.

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Sorry, I misread "the place I think I am going to goto is a bar where I've went to school with the bartender " as "the place I think *She is* going to goto is a bar where I've went to school with the bartender " so this is why my last post didn't make sense. I'd suggest you don't retaliate going to the place where your friend work just to make her jealous. It would make things worse. It would be better if you went out with your friends and had some fun.

 

I was sorry to read your last post, "princess complexes" are so bad. and she seems to have a lot of personal problems she ought to resolve before you get married to each other.

you said "I won't live a life like that", which is perfectly understandable.

She is trying to change, but you can't be sure she'll manage to.

It would be better wait until she really changes before getting married!

if you marry in a short time you really risk regretting it.

I wish you the best of luck, really.

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The reason my marriage works is because I am passive and my wife is the aggressive one that makes all the decisions.

I sometimes disagree, but 75% of the time I give in.

 

Yes my marriage isn't the greatest, but it works. My wife has the burden of worrying about taking care of the bills, etc.

I just hand her my paycheck and withdraw cash as I need it. It's like she is the adult and I am one of the kids; but I like it this way.

 

no power struggles here.

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I think you are doing all you can and that the problems you face are ones that can be resolved. You know from previous posts I've made that I think she would benefit from counselling.

 

It's struck me before that she seems quite immature in some ways. You call it a Princess thing, it may also be called a little girl thing. Maybe in the past people have responded well to that and it is only now that she is in a more equal relationship that it's a problem.

 

If she's been badly treated, she may either be seeking to test your love with what to you seem like an inflexible stance on random issues or she may have difficulty maintaining respect for someone who is kind to her because she doesn't respect herself that much. I have to emphasise these may not apply to her but are common reactions in people who have been hurt by those they love.

 

Sometimes your posts have left me with the impression that are many people (sometimes you too) who have a view on what she should do, how she should live, what her wedding should be like etc. and that she either tries to please all or listens to whoever has her ear at that moment. If she is easily influenced the best way of helping her become more confident would be to encourage her to work out solutions to her problems herself, with your help of course.

 

She sounds like a lovely girl and she thinks the world of you. As I say, I'm sure you can both work this out, jmargel :) .

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