Is there any easy way to deal with death?

[Pookette]

I work in a hospital, and therefore have many experiences with death. I have contact with most of the people I see in obituaries everyday, whether it be registering them, talking to them...whatever.

 

Is death something you can get accustomed to?

 

I walked past a woman in ICU two days ago and thought to myself: "She looks like she will pass soon." Her daughters were sitting by her side weeping. That night at the end of my shift she did die. I feel vaguely guilty for even thinking what I did, even though I know I had nothing to do with it.

 

One of our duties is filling out the death record on people who pass away in the hospital. It is especially hard when there is a tragic accident like an MVC. Handing out the morgue key is distressing. I wish I could be calm and cool like the representatives from the funeral homes. Sympathetic yet detached.

 

I can deal with blood, vomit, urine - whatever now. But death is something that always makes me feel a chill. I love my job, all except for the one thing that humans always do without fail, every day. In that respect I have too much empathy to be detached and "professional".

 

Can you get "jaded" when people you barely know pass away?

[Tony T]

You never get used to death but you do learn how to handle it and accept it as just as much a part of life as birth. We come from nothing and return there, as far as the Earth is concerned. Death is something you have to come to terms with yourself. You can believe that souls go on to a heaven, are reincarnated, make a transition to another energy form or whatever. Dealing with death is part of the learning that occurs along each person's spiritual path. There are many cultures that celebrate death as a milestone in moving on to the next tier of existence. Many prefer to celebrat a person's life rather than curse all they did by mourning their death rather than wishing them well in that transition.

 

The people who die in the hospital may be people you barely know but they are your brothers, they are part of you, they are part of life. We are all one. It's OK to be sad. But it's a reality you must come to terms with. Perhaps a counsellor at the hospital can help. It would be my guess that part of the training program in the hospital deals with this subject, or should.

 

Death is not people's favorite subject. It's a fear that most people go through their entire lives, knowing one day they will reach that point themselves. It's a topic that if brought up at a party will most likely get you ejected. People like to stay in denial of death and when others pass around us, it's a bold reminder that our day will come. As you get older and the number of your contemporary's whose names appear in the obituaries dramatically increases, you unease will intensify. Look at death as you would the anticipation of a good night's sleep after a very tough and tiring day.

 

I have always found it comforting to read what Gibran said about death in his book, The Prophet, and I invite you to have a look. It may very well help you as well: Go here ----> http://www.columbia.edu/~gm84/gibran27.html

[meanon]

I was at med school for several years. Yes you become accustomed but it still always affects you and if it didn't you'd be no good at your job. It's best to express any distress rather than trying to suppress it. I found dissection hard at first and because I suppressed it came out elsewhere (trivial things but annoying none the less). By the time I left I was able to observe an autopsy without any problem. You get used to it.

 

It's always dealing with relatives that's the hardest but it helps so much when they deal with people who care. With time you will be able to distance yourself a little more than you are able to now. I have friends who are doctors and despite the fact that most have developed a fair degree of detachment there are always cases that disturb - those that remind us of our own or our children's mortality or those where you make the extra effort to empathise with someone in distress. I've seen doctors in action who deal with the problem by detaching completely. They can be unbelievably insensitive at a time when someone is at their most vulnerable. As with most things, it's a question of achieving the right balance and that comes with experience.

[Fedup&givingup]

This is why I could never, never, never work in a hospital. It's too depressing. Whether they are on their death bed or not, they are sick and miserable. It's just gloomy.

 

I personally could not deal with blood, urine, vomit (and anything else), nor could I deal with having to tell people their loved one just passed. Nope.

 

I have an uncle who is a doctor, and I don't know how he does it. He works IN a hospital, too.

 

Pookette, you are a sweet, caring person.

[Pookette]

Thank you all for your replies. I read the excerpt from The Prophet, Tony, and found it comforting. My husband has the book, I'll dig it out and read it.

 

So far I haven't had to deal with relatives coming in. Thank God. That would be the utter worst that could happen.

 

I usually work in ER registration, so I see everything. My boss asked if I wanted to work in the ER and to get me to go in there, she told me I wouldn't see anything. Ha ha.

 

As far as autopsies go, I've seen those "Faces of Death" movies - those are nasty. I couldn't do anything like that. Meanon, big props for being able to do that!

 

Pookette, you are a sweet, caring person.

 

Thanks

[krbshappy71]

I worked in a nursing home for a year or so, and never got used to it. It seemed I would just get attached to the people and then they would die. Of course, for most of the people there, it was to be their final destination...they weren't going to go home and most of them knew it. After awhile I tried to distance myself from the patients because it kept hurting to lose new friends. I finally decided that I'd rather get to know the people and enjoy them for who they were than live life with walls up so I wouldn't get hurt. The jokes, different personalities, and love was all worth the pain of them leaving. I would get SO angry when the family wouldn't come for their final days, or visit at all. I would say, don't build too many walls up around yourself regarding death. Its natural to hurt, feel sorrow, and even a bit of fear when this keeps happening around you. Talk to a good friend about it, your husband, anyone who can be supportive of you. I can't say as I got used to it....I just learned to not get hysterical each time.

[meanon]

Pookette, I don't know how much patient contat you have or how much it's the general atmosphere of being where you work. Some never get used to it or find it too depressing. I guess only time will tell. It is worth sticking at it for a while to see how it turns out. I've helped three people at or near death. I wouldn't want to do it often but I count it as a tremendous privilege. People are so vulnerable at this time, the kindness of friends and strangers makes all the difference to their ability to cope and accept what is happening. That's a great gift to be able to share with them.