How do I lose contact with former boss?

[Emilia]

My previous boss got fired from his position. He is a very smart, intelligent man but he is also extremely self centered and difficult to work with. He kept annoying senior managemenet until they finally had enough and got rid of him.

 

I used to sit outside his office and we would talk about stuff every day, some of it was stimulating - like current affairs, debates, etc - but a lot of it was just dealing negativity from him. I had to listen because he would hover around my desk until I started paying attention. I was glad when he finally left, even though there was no hand-over and I'm still struggling with some of the work as a result but I'm learning fast.

 

He wants to keep in touch and I really don't want to. He wants to go for a coffee or lunch and I don't because I don't want to listen to more negative c**p about the company and I would be uncomfortable telling him that everything is much better since he has left. I have more responsibilities, more freedom and more choices.

 

How do I stop him contacting me in a nice way? I declined coffee twice already (had legit reasons too, I was genuinely busy) and ignored his call once but then he called again, I answered and he berated me for not keeping touch. He said he kept 'racking his brain' trying to work out whether he had upset me with something.

 

The thing is, I don't want to be his friend, I want to keep in touch on linked in perhaps since we worked together and it's the professional thing to do but I don't want to socialise with him.

 

How do I do this?

 

Do I just do the passive aggressive thing and keep declining when he invites me out?

Edited September 28, 2012 by Emilia
adding info

[WhatYouWantToHear]

I vote rip the band-aid off all at once. Sure it hurts more, but then the band-aid's off you and you don't have to worry about it any more.

 

Tell him your honest opinion of him, deal with the immediate fall out and then you won't have to deal with this issue any longer.

 

The alternative is to out A-hole him. Become a bigger, more intolerable person than he is in the hopes that he is the one who tells you his honest opinion of you and breaks off contact. The first option though is more satisfying and permanent.

[amaysngrace]

Lie to him. Tell him you can't see him and blame it on a psycho boyfriend or something.

 

Ugh....draining people suck.

[Emilia]

I vote rip the band-aid off all at once. Sure it hurts more, but then the band-aid's off you and you don't have to worry about it any more.

 

Tell him your honest opinion of him, deal with the immediate fall out and then you won't have to deal with this issue any longer.

 

The alternative is to out A-hole him. Become a bigger, more intolerable person than he is in the hopes that he is the one who tells you his honest opinion of you and breaks off contact. The first option though is more satisfying and permanent.

 

The thing is though while I'm not likely to ever need a reference from him, you never know what the future holds. Also, he knows a lot of people from the same company as I do, it's not that he would b**ch about me or anything like that but there is no way for me to guarantee that I'll be able to avoid him in the future. He is also quite well known in the industry as he has worked for different companies.

[Emilia]

Lie to him. Tell him you can't see him and blame it on a psycho boyfriend or something.

 

Ugh....draining people suck.

 

He knows very well I wouldn't put up with a pyscho boyfriend, he would know straight away that I was lying.

 

You are right though, they do suck and that's exactly what he is. Someone else used the word 'draining' within the company about him.

 

I think I'll stick to the passive aggressive route and remain unavailable for socialising. It's not nice and it's a form of lie, looks flaky etc but this isn't a personal relationship where I can just come out with the truth. I'll be evasive and wait until he gives up.

[Wolfcub]

The thing is though while I'm not likely to ever need a reference from him, you never know what the future holds. Also, he knows a lot of people from the same company as I do, it's not that he would b**ch about me or anything like that but there is no way for me to guarantee that I'll be able to avoid him in the future. He is also quite well known in the industry as he has worked for different companies.

In this case I would accept invitation for coffe just once or twice. Most probably at the moment when he is out of job (1) he feels angry at the company and wants to pour his (professional) emotions to somebody who knows what it is all about, not just uninvolved family and personal friends, (2) he has loads of free time, that will change once he gets another job and most probably those invitations will fade away naturally. If they don't - you can still pick up the passive aggressive tactics. So if you survived him while you worked together, one more coffee will not kill you. But you never know, it may turn out an investment into your career soon or years later. Being nice often does materialise. Just don't start speaking bad about your colleagues you still work with and if he wants to tell just how awful somebody was to him - say something like "Oh, really! I couldn't even imagine!". Chances are you may also hear something about the people you work with, that may be a warning to be careful around some of them. You never know.

[Emilia]

In this case I would accept invitation for coffe just once or twice. Most probably at the moment when he is out of job (1) he feels angry at the company and wants to pour his (professional) emotions to somebody who knows what it is all about, not just uninvolved family and personal friends, (2) he has loads of free time, that will change once he gets another job and most probably those invitations will fade away naturally. If they don't - you can still pick up the passive aggressive tactics. So if you survived him while you worked together, one more coffee will not kill you. But you never know, it may turn out an investment into your career soon or years later. Being nice often does materialise. Just don't start speaking bad about your colleagues you still work with and if he wants to tell just how awful somebody was to him - say something like "Oh, really! I couldn't even imagine!". Chances are you may also hear something about the people you work with, that may be a warning to be careful around some of them. You never know.

 

You are right in a way but I think I have made up my mind about avoiding him.

 

You are correct on points 1 and 2 but he has been angry ever since I've worked here (over 2 years now), he is quite a militant person. You are also correct that once he gets a new job, his social requests more than likely would die down, especially as he lives outside London.

 

The main issue is that I know he wants me to b**ch and moan about how work currently is because he predicted to me that I would be screwed over once he left. The fact is that it's much better because those of us left in the team are keeping it going quite well, in my opinion we are much more professional in our approach than he was and we are recruiting more people at the moment. It would be very difficult for me to describe how we work currently without making him realise that it's better and that senior management were right to fire him. Of course I could lie for the whole duration of the lunch/coffee but he is not stupid.

 

He complained plenty about the people while he worked here and to be fair I found some of his judgement wanting. He is smart but he is also quite crazy basically. There is no way I would want to work for him ever again, my professional development and confidence has taken off over the last month or so (since he left)

 

So thanks, you speak a lot of common sense of course but I think I'll avoid.

[Wolfcub]

You wrote: " It would be very difficult for me to describe how we work currently."

"There is no way I would want to work for him ever again."

 

In most companies where I have ever worked it would be against company policy, ethics, etc to describe how company works to an outsider, possible representative of the competitors. I wouldn't risk beeing fired myself for telling too much.

And by "investment into your career" I did not mean ever working for him. But he may refer you to somebody looking to fill a dream position. The world is small.

[Emilia]

You wrote: " It would be very difficult for me to describe how we work currently."

"There is no way I would want to work for him ever again."

 

In most companies where I have ever worked it would be against company policy, ethics, etc to describe how company works to an outsider, possible representative of the competitors. I wouldn't risk beeing fired myself for telling too much.

And by "investment into your career" I did not mean ever working for him. But he may refer you to somebody looking to fill a dream position. The world is small.

 

He used to work for the company until a month ago, he set up the department. He knows how it works. You don't get fired for telling someone how something works when they already know. Everyone is on Linked In here, everyone socialises with former colleagues, it's impossible to suppose that no-one discusses anything work related.

 

Yes he could potentially refer me, I understand that risk.

[january2011]

Your main bugbear seems to be that he likes to b*tch about work. If that was removed, would you be tempted to keep in contact more often?

 

I was in a similar situation once, but we both left at the same time. She was constantly going on and on about how bad it was there and how X, Y and Z happened after we left (she kept in touch with a few people). I'd had enough and told her that I really enjoy her company but I really don't want to talk about our former workplaces. That we no longer work there and we've moved on to bigger and better things. She agreed but the change was gradual rather than immediate. Over time, as her resentment died, she focused more on her present and less on her past. Now, neither of us hold onto the negativity of our past workplace anymore.

 

In your situation, you still work there. If you want a more direct approach, I'd advise you to tell him that you will meet for a coffee, but you don't want to spend the entire time talking about your workplace, if at all. Tell him that since he no longer works there, he needs to focus on what he's got going on right now. That you want to hear what he's been up to and how the job-hunting is going. If it helps, I suggest thinking of him less as your former boss and more as a former colleague. You never know when he might be a useful contact, especially if he stays in the same industry. So, a short coffee every six months or so, rather than lunch, might not be such a bad idea.

 

Alternatively, just tell him that since he left, your role has changed, you're snowed under and that you don't have time to meet up. If things change, you'll let him know and you'll grab a coffee to catch up.

Edited October 1, 2012 by january2011

[Emilia]

Your main bugbear seems to be that he likes to b*tch about work. If that was removed, would you be tempted to keep in contact more often?

 

No, he got it into his head that we have a lot in common but in fact we don't. I've never shared anything with him about my private life except for some of my sports hobbies (as he would see me turning up at work with a backpack when I went surfing, etc).

 

Though you are right that I resent the b**ching. After all, this is still part of my life, I don't enjoy someone's putting it down constantly just because he couldn't make it work. I'd like the option of making it work without another person's strong views affecting my confidence potentially.

 

I was in a similar situation once, but we both left at the same time. She was constantly going on and on about how bad it was there and how X, Y and Z happened after we left (she kept in touch with a few people). I'd had enough and told her that I really enjoy her company but I really don't want to talk about our former workplaces. That we no longer work there and we've moved on to bigger and better things. She agreed but the change was gradual rather than immediate. Over time, as her resentment died, she focused more on her present and less on her past. Now, neither of us hold onto the negativity of our past workplace anymore.

 

In your situation, you still work there. If you want a more direct approach, I'd advise you to tell him that you will meet for a coffee, but you don't want to spend the entire time talking about your workplace, if at all. Tell him that since he no longer works there, he needs to focus on what he's got going on right now. That you want to hear what he's been up to and how the job-hunting is going. If it helps, I suggest thinking of him less as your former boss and more as a former colleague. You never know when he might be a useful contact, especially if he stays in the same industry. So, a short coffee every six months or so, rather than lunch, might not be such a bad idea.

 

Thanks January, yes a short coffee perhaps in a little while would be ok. Definitely not lunch. I know I'm sounding unreasonable but because he is quite controlling, it makes me resent him I suppose. It feels like wanting to draw a boundary with a controlling parent if that makes sense. Kinda resent to feel this way at the age of 40

 

Once that passes I'm sure I'll be happy to have the odd coffee. HOWEVER, I would like more time to pass and resentment to subside at my end. I feel I should be given the choice. I feel that after saying 'no' twice to someone who is not a friend/relative/lover I shouldn't get a phonecall from just to get berated for saying no.

 

I'll probably take what you suggested in your last sentence and will get back to him in a few months or so

Edited October 1, 2012 by Emilia

[january2011]

It's understandable that you feel that way. I'd also be taken aback at being berated by someone with whom I don't have any real connection, other than he was my former boss. You don't owe him anything, other than a small measure of politeness because you used to be colleagues. And even that is down to the setting on your own moral compass.

 

I agree that until you let the resentment pass and your former relationship power dynamic dissolves, it's probably not going to be a comfortable meeting.

 

His behaviour is an annoyance, to be sure. Hope you don't end up spending too much mental energy on this and are able to put it behind you soon!

[Emilia]

It's understandable that you feel that way. I'd also be taken aback at being berated by someone with whom I don't have any real connection, other than he was my former boss. You don't owe him anything, other than a small measure of politeness because you used to be colleagues. And even that is down to the setting on your own moral compass.

 

I agree that until you let the resentment pass and your former relationship power dynamic dissolves, it's probably not going to be a comfortable meeting.

 

His behaviour is an annoyance, to be sure. Hope you don't end up spending too much mental energy on this and are able to put it behind you soon!

 

Thanks

 

No it's all good, it's only winding me up slightly when I'm explaining it because I have to explore it. He should have left sooner, I think relations would be better. I think when a person doesn't want a job anymore but they stick around for too long and they have people reporting to them, they can ruin it for the whole team - depending on their personality.

 

The strength of my resentment comes from my dislike for self centeredness and controlling behaviour - but usually put those thoughts away.

 

Thanks again January