Caine0254 Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 Okay, I need help bad. I am a 28 year old male, and I am driven completely crazy over my 41 year old boss. Every time I see her, my heart starts pounding, and despite how much I tell myself this isn't right, I can't get over my feelings for her. It all started when my wife's abuse reached the boiling point. She beat the hell out of me during my 2nd week of my new job. I was messed up bad...broken nose, black eye, busted open lip, bruises on my face and neck. I got on IM at the library after sleeping under a pine tree that night. I just poured my situation out to my boss, telling her why I didn't come into work. I fully expected her to let me go...say that I was too new to be letting my job be affected my personal life... But she didn't... Instead she came and picked me up from the library...hugged me...told me its going to be okay. She let me work overnights for a week while my face healed. She got an extra security guard posted. She got all of the doors set to badge entry only. She just did everything to make me feel safe. My wife's relentless attacks on me never stopped...she even started emailing my boss, telling her all kinds of terrible things about me. My boss, seeing the pain in my eyes as she showed me that email, just took my hand, looked into my eyes with those big, sweet, brown eyes and said nothing anyone says is ever going to change her opinion of me. Since then, I have felt obsessed with her. Every smile, touch, wink, kind word...everything just sends me spinning. I even find myself printing off emails she sends me, complementing my work, to take with me and read over countless times. I know there is something psychological going on with me in this mess, and that all of this is just misplaced...but I can't tell my heart that. It's not that it's negatively affecting my work. I actually work really hard...hoping to impress her. But I also find myself getting jealous when she talks to my coworkers...I find myself walking faster than everyone else when we carpool to lunch just so I can sit up front with her. What can I do???? I can't stop thinking of her. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2012 Share Posted August 25, 2012 This is emotional transference. It's very common. People also do it with their therapists and counsellors. Basically, the emotions - affection, kindness, consideration, gentleness - that you should be getting from your wife - you're getting from your boss. So you are directing the affection that you ought to have for your wife (if your wife were to behave like that) on to your boss. First of all you need to take legal action against your wife. Physical abuse is completely unacceptable. It's assault, and you should document evidence, and prosecute her - and divorce her too. secondly - see a therapist. You need counselling, and you must understand that while your emotional transference is absolutely normal and understandable, it's not 'real'. Help yourself. Take active definite measures to leave your wife, and take action against her - and get professional counselling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caine0254 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Thank you for the information... I try to not think about her, and I do really well on the weekends...but once Monday rolls around, I'm back to my heartsick self. The thing is...I still talk to other girls, flirt, and have fun. But nothing compares to the feeling of absolute awe I feel around my boss. I feel like she gives me signals...but realistically she is probably just being nice. Buying me a soda...my favorite kind, with just the right amount of ice...treating me warmly when she is usually somewhat cold and strictly professional with everyone else. I dream about her all the time...nothing sexual...just purely romantic. I am in counseling about my whole situation. I just hope I don't do something stupid. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Thank you for the information... ...... I am in counseling about my whole situation. I just hope I don't do something stupid. Stupid... in what sense....? Retaliation? Self-harming? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caine0254 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Lol, oh no. I'm talking about going to her and professing my love for her, or sending her flowers and notes anonymously...things that will just make life awkward and leave me heartbroken... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 First off, I hope you're doing okay. And I hope your wife lands her ass in jail with divorce papers too. Glad that you're in counselling. Nobody should have to suffer abuse! You did call the cops on your wife, right? As for your married boss - Don't do anything. You're vunerable and not thinking clearly. She helped you through a bad time, and is a friend. That's it. You're in no position to go for it with her for so many reasons (I know you those reasons) so please don't send her flowers, notes or anything. You'll regret it. Don't mistake her kindness as romantic interest in you. You are her employee and she is/was looking out for you. Don't read into that. She'd do the same for any other employee, male or female. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 Oh! *Phew!!* Yes, I'd hold back on that if I were you.... Really though, I'm serious - you have to take some kind of preventative, self-protecting measures against your wife. Domestic violence always makes people think of male-on-female - but unfortunately, that isn't true, and the incidence of female-on-male is all too common - and escalating. Your wife is damaged goods and may need help. That's not up to you or your call - but you must do something to bring it to light. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caine0254 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Oh I know, and I am dealing with the situation with my wife. I have my own place and haven't spoken to her for a very long time. I have tried to get away from her many times...the only reason I am succeeding is because of my boss. She did so much to help me...I will not let myself make that all for naught. It's that smile of hers that she seems to wear just for me, the way she winks at me when no one else is looking, or the way that she touches my hand and looks me in my eyes when I open up to her about my situation. Again I know I am probably just clinging to anything in order to feel like she likes me back. There was this time she invited me to her office because she was giving a phone/web presentation from her desk and wanted me to sit in. Everyone just logged in so they could hear her voice and see her screen, but not her. Part way though, she said she was getting warm, so she took off her nice business jacket and was only wearing a really thin, sheer tank top. Just seeing her in such an erotic way, but behaving so professionally had me completely enthralled. I am such a mess over this... Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 I can only suggest extreme caution. remember that you are still in an extremely fragile state... Talk to your counsellor about it, but remember - this is work. I don't know how 'superior' she is to you in the company, But boss/employee liaisons are not always advisable.... Your feelings could well be genuine - but of course, nobody can help associating it all with your background.... Maybe you should just play it affectionate but distant - and see where it takes you. She may even at some point broach the subject herself, who knows....? Where do things stand with your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caine0254 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 And yes I know I am mistaken...im just having a hard time accepting that. It's not like I'm starved for attention...I just got a phone number from a very cute girl today who's about my age...but I have no interest in calling her at all...I am so occupied with my boss...utterly consumed. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2012 Share Posted August 26, 2012 like I said - mention all this to your counsellor. You need to take a step back from any thought of any romantic involvement - with anyone.... is your wife facing legal proceedings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caine0254 Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 Well I am currently living apart from her and have a consultation with an attorney to file for divorce. I am completely detached from her and it feels great. My boss is quite superior to me...more experienced, more educated...and yes, the company would greatly frown upon anything of the sort. She doesnt act my superior though. "hangs out" with me at my desk, talks about her personal life, invites me to lunch with her occasionally, and definitely treats me better than the others in the department who have the same title. She acts somewhat short and even annoyed when they ask questions...but she just sits there, smiles, and answers sweetly to me. Professionally, I know this could hinder me...I have always been so ambitious...but now I can't imagine being anywhere but under her...okay, that sounds like a bad joke, but I mean it seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts