My boss is a sociopath

[gls081209]

I'm 32 years old and am only in my second job since college. The first job I loved and stayed for seven years. The company was family-oriented and our families have often spent holidays together. Besides outgrowing my job, I knew the company was in financial trouble, so I left a year before it went under.

 

I spent 7 months unemployed and looking for work. I had a few intense interviews while competing among hundreds of people for one position. Finally, I saw a vague job description online so I applied. I got a call that afternoon to come in and interview. The interview was brief, but great and I got the job on the spot. I was so excited as I was working for a very prestigious private members-only club as its Marketing Director. Not only that, I was even getting an assistant.

 

Well turns out, I sold my soul to the devil. My job requires so many elaborate duties that require different skill sets. Not only is it a lot of responsibility, it requires 1 person to know how to do the detailed marketing duties, but also plan adult events, create (and hang) all the decor, deal with members professionally, but also play with kids and make scavenger hunts. That's a lot of personalities and skill sets needed for one job. Plus I work most holidays, many nights and weekends. That's okay sometimes, but not all year around.

 

I always get it done, but I'm SO burned out. THere is NEVER a slow time of the year. Boss tells me to take time off, but then plans a meeting or an event I have to organize. I can't tell you how many times I've "tried" to take a vacation, but I either get a phone call or an e-mail that is urgent. So basically my whole life revolves around this job. I'm sad to say my social life has drastically plummeted (especially after a breakup with my boyfriend).

 

Back story of my boss - He thinks he's God. He talks down to people. Behind closed door meetings, I've heard some of the most racial, anti-Semitic & chauvinistic comments. His management style is to fear him. I could have Jesus make an appearance at an event and he'd somehow criticize it. Nothing is ever good enough (frustrating when you're working 60+ hours a week). He's had affairs over the years with a couple co-workers and after they quit, he makes his secretary call them to see if they say anything about him. My favorite part is that the has guitar lessons in his office on a specific day and nobody can ask a question while he's playing. Of course we have to stay late until he's done if it's urgent. He's thrown papers at my assistant as he mocks her. He asked me once if I "should be eating that" as I was having a cookie. Sidenote: He has no boss... those people are members of the club who are on the board and are his buddies. Secondly, I can't name one person I know that likes this man. In fact, I know of three co-workers have seeked therapy over this man and have to take Xanax if there are upcoming meetings with him.

 

My assistant has taken enough abuse and found another job. I don't blame her. I was looking too, but stopped since she got this job and I felt it wouldn't be right to leave at the same time during the middle of these events we're doing.

 

My assistant is giving her resignation letter tomorrow. Personally, I think he'll be fine with it because he made it very known that he didn't like her. However, this puts me in a tough position. My boss likes me (I'm one the only few that he doesn't often talk down to) but despite that, I once told him that this job needs to be split as it is too much for one person to be responsible for. He yelled at me and said my time management skills sucked as he condescendingly called me "sweetheart." Now that my assistant is leaving I want to broach the subject of splitting the job again. Not sure how he is going to react - i imagine not in a mentoring way. I'm at my wits end, but am trying to do the right thing by not screwing them during this series of events (that last through the end of August).

 

I've had to go to therapy over this man because it has taken such a toll on my life. I"m constantly stressed out and overworked and I can't take it anymore. I actually think I'm physically depressed. My therapist said to stand up to him and the worst thing he can do is fire you. Of course I don't want to burn any bridges (and I don't do confrontation well), but this man has no empathy for anyone. If he starts screaming at me tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do!

 

I have gone on a few interviews before finding out about my assistant's new job. Interviewers first question is: "So why do you want to leave your company?" I can't say that "my boss is abusive d-bag," so I just say something about being ready to move on and go in a different direction. I feel like my confidence level is low right now because I'm so tired all the time that I'm not giving off a positive vibe.

 

I know I need out. I'm trying, but scared to just quit for fear of finances and am too loyal to leave with everyone depending on me during this summer events.

 

I'm terrified as to how this exchange is going to go tomorrow!

[Balzac]

It makes no sense that you aren't in a job search. It also is crazy thinking to worry about leaving at a busy time but rather you contemplate terminating?

 

Hate to say it but your boss picked you out as a passive pleaser.

Time to send out your resume.

 

Are you compensated for vacations not taken? Pay out to you?

[gls081209]

It makes no sense that you aren't in a job search. It also is crazy thinking to worry about leaving at a busy time but rather you contemplate terminating?

 

Hate to say it but your boss picked you out as a passive pleaser.

Time to send out your resume.

 

Are you compensated for vacations not taken? Pay out to you?

 

Nope, if I don't use them up by a certain date, I lose them. They don't do flex time either. I'm on salary so they don't really care. I've probably already submitted 20 resumes to other companies thus far. I put the search on hiatus until next month so I can finish out this particular project. I'm just trying to mentally get myself through it.

[gls081209]

Here's an update:

 

I honestly can't believe this happened today. My assistant finally submits her resignation letter to the boss and he was quite lackadaisical in his response to her. It was a brief encounter and that was it. The boss calls the woman in HR in a closed door meeting - that was 2 hours! I was just waiting for me to get the phone call to come. I went with the Rocky theme in my head thinking I was going to battle and probably was going to quit.

 

I made a joke about today has been a big day! He laughed and said "Why are you quitting too?" I responded by saying "yeah, about that..." and then shut the door to his office.

 

I told him everything I had been feeling for the past year and how burned out I am and there's never any time. He asked what I thought we should do and I said "split the job." (I braced myself incase he was going to flip the desk or throw something at me). He said... "okay." We talked details and such, but he said before I do that, I need to take a vacation. He proceeded to tell me how invaluable I am to him. I was in complete shock considering that he doesn't give compliments to ANYONE EVER.

 

I told him I wanted the new job description in writing and signed off on. This means that I can actually have a normal life, with normal hours and less responsibility AND he's not giving me a pay cut!

 

I'm still processing it all, but I feel like 4000 lbs just lifted off me and I"m proud I stood up for myself (I thought asking for a raise was pushing it). Even after work today I got a call from the HR woman who told me that the boss asked her to call me and tell me I'm not allowed to leave EVER and to schedule my vacation.

 

It was a completely epic day...

[spiderowl]

After the way this guy has treated you and other members of staff, why do you feel you should be loyal and not leave during an awkward time? He deserves it. Also, you are digging yourself into a hole really because you are already said there is never a quiet time when he doesn't have something set up. Logically, this would mean you could never leave. There is never going to be a right time.

 

I wouldn't advise anyone to just leave a job with the way the economy is at the moment, but if this job is hurting you so much you need to be looking out for something else. I know how demoralised one can feel if working with a boss who is never appreciative and keeps you working so hard you are exhausted and burned out. That's why it's especially important you stick to your official working hours and take your due time off to have chance to build a social life where people appreciate you for who you are and not how hard you work whilst being intimidated.

 

I have no doubt your boss relies on you heavily and you know this. This is why it's all the more stupid of him to behave like that with a valuable member of staff. You should feel free to look elsewhere and find an employer that appreciates you. Beware of the trap of feeling overburdened and responsible. Some employers are quite clever at using a person's sense of responsibility to keep them so busy they haven't time to leave. Best to be aware of that one.

 

Good luck in your efforts to find a better place to work. I'm sure that you will be in demand when you realise just how important your contribution has been.

[Radu]

Here's an update:

 

I honestly can't believe this happened today. My assistant finally submits her resignation letter to the boss and he was quite lackadaisical in his response to her. It was a brief encounter and that was it. The boss calls the woman in HR in a closed door meeting - that was 2 hours! I was just waiting for me to get the phone call to come. I went with the Rocky theme in my head thinking I was going to battle and probably was going to quit.

 

I made a joke about today has been a big day! He laughed and said "Why are you quitting too?" I responded by saying "yeah, about that..." and then shut the door to his office.

 

I told him everything I had been feeling for the past year and how burned out I am and there's never any time. He asked what I thought we should do and I said "split the job." (I braced myself incase he was going to flip the desk or throw something at me). He said... "okay." We talked details and such, but he said before I do that, I need to take a vacation. He proceeded to tell me how invaluable I am to him. I was in complete shock considering that he doesn't give compliments to ANYONE EVER.

 

I told him I wanted the new job description in writing and signed off on. This means that I can actually have a normal life, with normal hours and less responsibility AND he's not giving me a pay cut!

 

I'm still processing it all, but I feel like 4000 lbs just lifted off me and I"m proud I stood up for myself (I thought asking for a raise was pushing it). Even after work today I got a call from the HR woman who told me that the boss asked her to call me and tell me I'm not allowed to leave EVER and to schedule my vacation.

 

It was a completely epic day...

 

If i was in your shoes, this is what i would do :

- talk with a lawyer who specialises in employment law, and see what kind of proof you can collet about the stuff that he can't get away with ... slurs for instance, abuve, etc ...

The ppl who take antidepressants are especially helpfull since i suspect that in your country you can't just buy them over the counter, they do leave a papertrail.

This is ammo, you will need it.

- talk to relatives, family ... tell them about your problem and the fact that you might need to ask them for assistance if you do quit/leave.

This is to not hurt your nestegg untill you get your next job, because last time as you said, it took 7 months.

Being depressed it also is harder for you to fake 'positive attitude'.

You will need their help in reducing the hit your nestegg takes when/if you are unemployed.

I would also make a list of stuff i would slash, expensive stuff; no shopping trips to the mall, no more 500$ smartphone, you get the ideea.

- see what else you can get off your medical benefits and if you can get medical benefits while you are unemployed.

- go on that vacation, relax, you earned it, but only after the above has been taken care off.

- when you return from vacation, start looking for another job, use every contact possible, including your co-workers and secretary, claim 'sisterly help' if need be.

- if you find a better job, forward your resignation, if he makes waves, use the above mentioned ammo with proof that he made waves [ppl are generally stupid ... telephones/sms].

- if you don't find a better job and can't take it anymore/are fired, i would ask a letter of recommendation. If he refuses, use the ammo against him if need be.

 

Practice at home in front of a mirror the discussion you will have with him, cover every angle, it will make you feel more secure in your skin when the time comes.

[an6el]

you know my husband had the same thing, everyone was afraid of his boss, until someone stoood up (who was my husband) and he backed down... but everyone is different. my husband just doesn't like taking sh*t from anyone... so he's very open...

 

but good luck... if my husband heard this he would say, back talk to him, don't take it... I think it's a New York thing lol...