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My Roommate is a Bingeing Food Thief


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Story:

 

I moved in with a co-worker, we'll call her "Beth," three months ago. We were acquaintances, never hung out outside of work so I wouldn't call her a friend. Anyway, we both needed a place to live so we found a 2 Bed 2 Bath apartment.

 

At first I thought she was anorexic (I'm wasn't the only one, there were many signs.) I never saw her eat & I still don't in spite of this problem that's going on. At first I noticed some of my food going missing & I thought whatever. (I was actually glad she was eating!) Then it started being entire jars/boxes/bags.

 

I confronted her face to face & she promised she'd stop.

 

After she ate 1 full batch & 3/4 of a second batch of cookies (within 48 hours) I had made & put in the freezer, she me sent a text message, apologizing to me. She asked me to not keep sweets around or to keep them in my room because she has a bingeing problem. I felt really bad for her & moved whatever sweets I had to my room. And I plugged in my dorm fridge and put healthy food in there.

 

I talked to my landlord & asked if they could install a lock on my door or on a cabinet, but they said no.

 

And then I noticed food from my room & dorm fridge was going missing, along with some candy bars that I had hidden. I talked to her again about it & she said she's working on it & won't do it anymore because she's starting a "protein diet." She even offered to pay for what she had eaten, which she never did. She was even eating my fresh produce--whatever she could get her hands on.

 

So I proceeded to put a lock on a cabinet in the kitchen & to put a lock on my fridge. She broke into my cabinet (the knobs are the screw off kind.) This time when I immediately found out I sent her a text saying this has gotta stop. Breaking into a locked cabinet, really???

 

I talked to my landlord again to see how we could get out of the lease. Either A. We sign a roommate release & one of us stays & one of us moves. Or B. we both move out & pay rent until another tenant is found. At this time I was just looking for options.

 

And in the meantime I put a lock on my bedroom door for security & privacy. This made her furious, as I have the master bedroom & was nice & let her store some shoes & clothes in my closet. But I was honest with her & said this is a trust issue & that I can't trust her. She now denies stealing my food even though anything I put in the fridge disappears (or she'll leave less than a portion size) within days, even leftovers from restaurants. And I might add I estimate she has gained 40-50 pounds.

 

I flat out told her that I can't live with a thief. This isn't a reasonable living situation; I'm miserable and going broke, my food bill has doubled!! And she refuses to break the lease, even though I have found a roommate to take over her half of the lease & pay her deposit back. Which I think was really nice of me. I think it pisses her off because she feels like she is being kicked out of her house & has no control over this. So by being difficult she has control over something (obviously not her eating habits.)

 

Anyway, yesterday I talked to law enforcement (said they can't do anything), a video surveillance company (laughed at me & said it wasn't worth the cost) & a lawyer (most helpful). So here are my options: The lawyer said to take her to small claims court & write something to get a release from the lease. But first talk to her & say I'm going to press charges for theft if we can't release each other from the lease. Lawyer said I should be able to press charges because it's my property. (The lease is up May 1 2013.)

 

I can't talk any sense into her. She is *still* stealing and now denying it. She ate all but 2 cookies of a batch I just made & froze. And she ate a friend's leftover pizza in the fridge. This is getting really costly! I know it's just a matter of time before she breaks in my room. And if there's no remorse for taking food, there probably isn't any remorse for taking other things. I am absolutely miserable & afraid!!

 

So I'm working on a letter (just so it's in writing) stating all the facts & asking for an amicable release. And I'll also state if we can't get the amicable release from the lease, I'm forced to press charges. (This is essentially what the lawyer suggested I do.)

 

Is this reasonable? Are there any other suggestions?? Please help!!!

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Nothing else you can do. Either she has poor money management skills (stealing food because she cannot pay for her own), or she has a real psychological problem. Both of which warrant attention, but it is not your responsibility to figure out what is going on with her. It is her responsibility.

 

What you do is more than reasonable. I'd say go ahead. You have nothing to lose, except for the contents of the fridge.

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Why don't you move out if she wants to stay? In the meantime keep all food in your locked room or only eat out.

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Wow, this is the bizarre stuff you hear about, that makes for a funny story, but... is not all that thrilling when it happens to YOU!

 

 

Do you get along alright besides her problem? I had food issues, and when your messed up in that department, it is a real problem and even a mental disorder... Basicall: you do things, feel embarrassed about them, but have a compulsion which keeps you doing these dubious things.

It may not be something she feels is ' acceptable" and she could be deeply embarrassed about it.

 

Wheather she is embarrassed or not, it is badly impacting your life, and you best get out in the easiest way possible.

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Yes, this is crazy ****!! I've managed to tolerate a lot because I felt sorry for her.

 

So I know that she makes decent money & can definitely afford food. She is a major cheap skate & will screw people over any chance she can get. I think her thing is "if I don't buy it, I won't eat it." Unless if I buy it. Ha. All she has in the fridge is bottled water, calorie free gatorade & carrots. Yup.

 

And now she's slowly removing her dishes from the kitchen. Haha, very childish. I'm hoping this is a sign she's moving out?

 

What's really ironic is that this kitchen is pretty sweet. Tons of storage, stainless steel appliances. The best kitchen I've ever lived in & I can't even use it! And I love to cook!

 

Anyway, she refuses to release me from the lease. (I would gladly move out if she did.) She said I can go ahead & move, but then I have to pay for my half of the rent until I find her another roommate. (!) WTF?? Ha! She's out of her mind! I wouldn't let my worst enemy live with her!!!!

 

I'm still debating on this letter because I'm hoping that she'll come to her sense & either release me or let me release her.

 

Here's another option, but I've hesitated. The thing is that she doesn't have very many friends. Really strange considering she has lived here her whole life. She hangs out with her mother & sister a lot & I'm just wondering if they know about her problem. You'd think they'd have to.

 

So I ask would it be worthwhile to call her mom? Maybe she'd convince her to move back home (where she came from?)

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From the sounds of it she has some serious psychological issues. Her mother and sister may not even be aware of that. They are unknown quantities; you have no idea how they might respond.

 

If you do call her mom, I'd suggest you hand your roommate that letter as well. Then it is up to you when you will act.

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During two of my undergraduate college years I lived in a three bedroom apartment with two roommates, one of whom was bulimic. She stole food from the refrigerator and pantry and when the other roommate and I confronted her she denied, denied, denied.

 

The other roommate and I went to the landlord like you did, who told us we could find a subleaser to take over our portion of the lease if we chose to leave the apartment, or we could convince our bulimic roommate to move out. We convinced the bulimic roommate to move out, without writing a letter to her parents but by telling her directly, "we want you to move out" and we gave her one month to find a new apartment, while we looked for a third person to sublease the rest of her lease.

 

Don't call your roommate's mom. What's she going to do? Yell at her daughter to stop stealing food from you? Force her to come home? Your roommate is an adult and her mother can't force her daughter to do anything.

 

This conflict is between you and your roommate. So you're going to have to figure out a realistic way to solve it. Getting your roommate's mother involved isn't realistic unless you ask the mother to stop paying her daughter's rent (unless the daughter pays her own rent). The realistic choices are: ask your roommate to leave, or you leave. Both of you would be required to find subleasers in either case. I wish you luck as I know it's a sticky situation to be in, and it sounds like you have tried everything. Frankly if I hadn't had my second roommate to help me, I would have just moved out and found another one bedroom apartment which is what I think would be your easiest solution at this point.

Edited by writergal
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Get a nanny cam (there are tons of online stores that sell disguised motion sensor video cameras) and then get large boldly colored duct-tape to mark your food containers with your name on it. That way whatever she takes will be easily visible and identifiable by whomever watches the video recording. Also keep all your grocery receipts and start keeping a tally of the cost of food she is stealing from you. Keep all pantry dry-goods in your room and the rest of your food in the mini-fridge.

Stop making batches of cookies and stuff like that unless you can keep them in a friends freezer.

Really, once you get the video of her and add it to the tally of costs you will have a much better chance to get results of either small claims court or her letting you out of the lease in order to avoid court.

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Do you know if she is getting any professional help for her bingeing (and thieving) problem? I know you are fed up with her now and just want rid of her, but in the meantime encouraging her to get professional help might make a difference. If she is already receiving help, it's not working very well and maybe she could consider alternative treatments.

 

I don't know much about bullimia but I hadn't associated it with theft before. Is this common? If it isn't, then it sounds like treatment for bullimia alone might not be enough. I wonder if she's talked to any professional about stealing food. It's one thing to be tempted by a chocolate bar in the fridge belonging to someone else but one should ask or at least immediately replace it. What she's doing is stepping over the boundaries. Invading someone else's private room is definitely going too far. Maybe she wants to get caught in order to get some help?

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whichwayisup

She needs help. This isn't something that she can just stop. She should be at home, with her parents as well as in a program that can help her with this. She has some pretty serious problems and it's only going to get worse if she doesn't get to a therapist.

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If she is crazy enough, if she decided to move she might trash the whole place and stick you with repair costs.

 

If there is a shared company work kitchen, why not set a trap and put her favorite things in the fridge with coworkers' names on them, then set up a hidden camera.

 

When I was in college, my other roommate and I asked the third girl to leave because she was bringing creeps home with her for one night stands and even gave one of them a key to our apartment. He stole a TV. She was so angry that she smashed holes in the walls of her room and splashed painted messages all over the walls. We had to pay for the repairs.

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Yep, I married one with eating disorders. It's really twisted stuff, let me tell you. She would swing 40 lbs in a month easy, and she is a small woman- 5 feet even and probably an average of 125 lbs. I couldn't keep food in the house. I overeat myself, but keeping anything in the house was just a foolish idea. I could spend $200 at the grocery store and if I was gone the next day for some reason, and she had the day off, there would be not one thing left in the house. I couldn't keep a bag of chips in the house, which I like to so I can pack my lunches. And a loaf of bread? OMG, zero chance of keeping it to last past a day. I have no advice for the legal stuff, but I can tell you this... There is no end of ways that sickness manifests. You have no idea how complicated it can be, it's possible she doesn't know what she is doing, as strange as that seems, the mind is a complicated thing. It certainly sounds like it's serious. Just know this, you can't talk to her about it. You can not reason with crazy. You can tell her what you think is happening, and your issues, but you can't expect her to be reasonable with it. There is WAY more going on than just stealing your stuff and eating it, there is a reason she is doing that. She is sick, really sick.

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  • 3 weeks later...

you should record her and show her the video, or post it up and embarrass her but if you think that's too brutal, I'd do what your lawyer said... there's not much you could do...

 

Another think you could stop buying food, for about a few days and see how that goes...

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There is another, more bizarre option:

 

Tell her you have poisoned SOME of the food and she'll find out which when she eats it. Make some cookies with a laxative and watch the reaction.

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