Male Co-worker friend turns nasty

[theseeker]

Wow, I haven't posted on here in a long time! Anyway, I am having some issues with a co-worker friend of mine, who happens to be of the opposite sex. I am going to name him Mr. D

 

Just to clarify: I work at a coffee shop (not exactly the typical office-type environment).

 

Mr. D started working at the coffee shop about 6 months ago, and he soon became my favorite person to work with. We got along great. We laughed, talked, joked, etc.

 

About 5 months ago (1 month after we started working together) he and his girlfriend of 2 years had a mutual breakup. He did not confide in me about the breakup at all. I didn't even know it happened until a month after-the-fact.

 

In March he asked if I would like to go to the rodeo with him. I got excited, thinking it was a date. He mentioned that his mom, son, & a few other friends would be coming as well. Even then, for some odd reason, I still thought he had asked me out on a date. When I got to the rodeo, I met his mom & son for the first time. Then, his friends arrived, both of whom ended up being female. I was surprised and a little disheartened. I stuck around for a while but went home early.

 

In my mind, that incident clarified to me that he thought of us as strictly friends, which was totally fine with me. (ie: I get excited when ANYONE asks me out on a date, I wasn't necessarily interested in a relationship with Mr. D).

 

So, I put Mr. D into the "friend zone", if that makes sense. We became super close platonic friends both in and outside of work. In fact, I would say that for a while he was my best friend. We introduced one another to our outside work circles, met and hung out at our different favorite places around town, etc. etc.. He even introduced me to a few of his prospective girlfriends & would ask me my opinion of them, which I thought was quite interesting.

 

Meanwhile, I started dating another guy (lets call him Mr. H) frequently. Mr. H does not work with me, but he did stop by the coffee shop to have lunch one day! And even though Mr. H was very veeerrryy interested in me, and wanted us to be in a more serious relationship, I simply didn't feel the same way. I kept trying to find things for me and Mr. H to talk about on our dates. It was as if I was trying to convince myself that there was a spark, but there just wasn't for me. I simply liked the feeling of being desired. I guess Mr. H could tell that his feelings weren't reciprocated. Long story short, we went NC about a month and a half ago.

 

Mr. D would talk (and still talks) about Mr. H more than I even thought about the poor guy.

 

Mr. D and I continued to work together and be good friends. That is, up until two weeks go.

 

In the past two weeks Mr. D has changed completely!!! He has become extremely resentful towards me. At work he has started to insult me, bully me, and speak to me in a very very spiteful tone of voice.

 

To clarify: Mr. D was never hateful towards me while I was dating Mr. H.

 

Ok, we're all caught up now.

So, even though Mr. D and I are strictly platonic friends, I am not his type (ie: I am not a blonde supermodel - which he has recently pointed out quite a number of times), and he has never officially asked me out, he still acts as though I have committed some horrible crime.

Why the hostility?

Why does he act as if I have rejected him when he never made an attempt in the first place?

 

At work, Mr. D is constantly trying to make me jealous and put me down.

For instance: last week he came to work, clocked in, and then proudly told me that he had gotten laid the night before. Soon after, he told me, in an extremely hostile and spiteful tone, "You lead a miserable life."

 

?????

 

These are just two examples, and not even the worst ones.

 

His sexual references have also gotten much more explicit & inappropriate towards me. And instead of these remarks being silly/stupid, now they seem serious & charged with hatred.

 

None of Mr. D's comments hurt my feelings. In fact, I find them more entertaining than anything. Most of the time I either ignore him or laugh it off. However, now that Mr. D is getting increasingly hostile towards me during working hours, I have started to feel uncomfortable. I have stopped laughing/talking/joking with him - and only speak to him during work and about work. Yet, this seems to have only served as fuel to the fire.

 

I have emailed my manager about the situation. Hopefully, Mr. D's behavior will change soon.

 

My question is: What the hell is going on in Mr. D's head?

 

Is he jealous?

Does he feel like I rejected him even though he never made an attempt in the first place?

Does he resent me? And if he does, why?

Does he feel like I am leading him along? Or has he been leading me along and I haven't been responding and that infuriates him?

All of the above?

 

If anyone can tell me anything, it will be very appreciated. I don't really know what to make of the whole thing, all I know is I sure as hell don't want to be his friend any longer.

 

Also, is this the kind of situation that can potentially lead to rape? Should I be THAT worried?

Edited April 29, 2012 by theseeker

[TaraMaiden]

What the hell is going on in his head, is completely irrelevant.

the fact it's there - and crating a situation in your workplace - is the immediate threat, and one you should be considering as far more serious.

 

Carry a wire and record your discussions.

Play them to your manager.

Make an official complant, and keep a record of everything.

[darkmoon]

i know not all men are like this *cough* BUT they can expect sex, one question - what did/do you dress like? did/do you wear tight-ish clothes? i know it shouldn't matter, men should not act like animals, but...

Edited April 29, 2012 by darkmoon

[PlumPrincess]

Why don't you talk with him?

[theseeker]

No. I wear clothes that fit. I would say that for my age (24 years old) I lean a little more towards the conservative. Even though I am stylish, I am personally not comfortable with showing skin (it attracts too much male attention). To get to the point: 99.9% of the time you'll find me wearing a solid black dresses & leggings. Love me some black on black

[theseeker]

Actually, I forgot to include this, I emailed him politely asking that he stop being so pompous towards me at work. He never responded or mentioned it.

[theseeker]

What the hell is going on in his head, is completely irrelevant.

the fact it's there - and crating a situation in your workplace - is the immediate threat, and one you should be considering as far more serious.

 

Carry a wire and record your discussions.

Play them to your manager.

Make an official complant, and keep a record of everything.

 

For real?

[TaraMaiden]

It made him worse.... am I right?

 

Hope you kept the email...

 

I would write another one telling him outright his attitude, manner and treatment is becoming intolerable, and he needs to stop it now.

word it strongly, but don't threaten him with action on your part, and don't mention you've brought this to your Manager's attention.

Just tell him he has to stop.

 

see what he sends back then.

[TaraMaiden]

For real?

 

yes, damn right for real!

Here you are, concerned about his attitude escalating, and you're talking about a situation that potentially could lead to rape - and you're asking 'for real'...?

If you're concerned, you have a right to protect yourself.

this kind of abuse is completely unacceptable in the workplace.

What's more - it's illegal.

He should not be able to get away with this, and you shouldn't let it pass.

[theseeker]

yes, damn right for real!

Here you are, concerned about his attitude escalating, and you're talking about a situation that potentially could lead to rape - and you're asking 'for real'...?

If you're concerned, you have a right to protect yourself.

this kind of abuse is completely unacceptable in the workplace.

What's more - it's illegal.

He should not be able to get away with this, and you shouldn't let it pass.

 

IS THIS A KIND OF SITUATION THAT COULD POTENTIALLY LEAD TO RAPE?!?!

It was a question. I have never been raped before, so I have no clue.

And you're right, it is illegal. In the past two weeks, I have started to look up and read a little about sexual harassment in the workplace (something I had no knowledge of before). And yes, he has been sexually harassing me since the day he started working at the coffee shop. Fine. But, only recently has it become what I would personally consider inappropriate behavior.

 

And another thing, he is hot & cold. Sometimes he is back to being his old friendly fun self, other times he is a monster. No matter what mood he is in, I don't consider us to be friends anymore.

 

I appreciate your straight forward & aggressive strategy, but is it best? I feel like it might be an overreaction, but I am not exactly sure. My uncertainty is why I am asking. If I felt I was in immediate danger, I would simply quit my job - its only a coffee shop, after all.

[TaraMaiden]

 

I appreciate your straight forward & aggressive strategy, but is it best? I feel like it might be an overreaction, but I am not exactly sure. My uncertainty is why I am asking. If I felt I was in immediate danger, I would simply quit my job - its only a coffee shop, after all.

 

"It's only a coffee shop" doesn't cut it.

It wouldn't matter where this was taking place, whether there were two employees or 20.

 

you should not have to endure this kind of treatment anywhere, any time.

If your next employer asks you why you left the cafe, and you make something up - that will leave you simply open to more of the same, if you can't pick up the responsibility for dealing with this one.

 

If you tell them you left because of sexual harassment and bullying - and that you did nothing about it - what does that tell them about you as a potential employee?

that you're a conformist, a push-over and you don't make waves.

you owe it to yourself - and future potential employees - to grab the bull by the horns, and deal with it.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm currently in the process of taking legal action against my ex-boss for similar reasons.

And the Employment Tribunal has upheld my written application and complaint as justified.

[theseeker]

"It's only a coffee shop" doesn't cut it.

It wouldn't matter where this was taking place, whether there were two employees or 20.

 

you should not have to endure this kind of treatment anywhere, any time.

If your next employer asks you why you left the cafe, and you make something up - that will leave you simply open to more of the same, if you can't pick up the responsibility for dealing with this one.

 

If you tell them you left because of sexual harassment and bullying - and that you did nothing about it - what does that tell them about you as a potential employee?

that you're a conformist, a push-over and you don't make waves.

you owe it to yourself - and future potential employees - to grab the bull by the horns, and deal with it.

 

If it's any consolation, I'm currently in the process of taking legal action against my ex-boss for similar reasons.

And the Employment Tribunal has upheld my written application and complaint as justified.

 

Agreed & good to know. Thanks.

[gaius]

I would guess he resents you for not falling all over yourself to date and be with him. You aren't even his type and you had the nerve to get another boyfriend while he was making effort to be around you! Perhaps something else happened in his personal life that brought this hostility to the surface only recently.

 

I don't know about the rape thing. That usually involves a whole lot of variables other than if a guys mad at you.

[Bittersweetie]

Hi Seeker,

 

I would think that it is irrelevant what he's thinking. Obviously he's upset about something and taking it out on you; which is his problem not yours.

 

However...if he is saying things, or doing things, that make you uncomfortable in the workplace...THAT is a problem. I would try to write down everything he's said in the past few weeks and when he said it. Document it as much as possible, if you don't want to actually record anything. Then when you go to your manager, you have a list of dates and words. The more thorough and professional of a backing you have to your words, the more credible you will be when Mr D is like, "She's making that up!"

 

Even though you work just in a coffee shop (I love coffee shops btw), you may want to see if they gave you any paperwork when you were hired so you can reference it in your document (i.e. "D's words go directly against page six in the handbook").

 

It's not right that he's treating you like that in the workplace because he's got a bug up his butt about something.

[theseeker]

Hi Seeker,

 

I would think that it is irrelevant what he's thinking. Obviously he's upset about something and taking it out on you; which is his problem not yours.

 

However...if he is saying things, or doing things, that make you uncomfortable in the workplace...THAT is a problem. I would try to write down everything he's said in the past few weeks and when he said it. Document it as much as possible, if you don't want to actually record anything. Then when you go to your manager, you have a list of dates and words. The more thorough and professional of a backing you have to your words, the more credible you will be when Mr D is like, "She's making that up!"

 

Even though you work just in a coffee shop (I love coffee shops btw), you may want to see if they gave you any paperwork when you were hired so you can reference it in your document (i.e. "D's words go directly against page six in the handbook").

 

It's not right that he's treating you like that in the workplace because he's got a bug up his butt about something.

 

Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely try to make that list. I am sure that I wasn't given any type of paperwork like what you are describing, which is surprising. Maybe the coffee shop I work for NEEDS that type of paperwork, you would think it would be mandatory for legal purposes.

[theseeker]

I wanted to give a little update to the topic I posted.

 

I emailed my manager and told him what was going on with Mr. D. Mr. D. then completely stopped talking to me, for the most part, while we were working together. He also deleted me off facebook, stopped texting me, etc. etc. etc. All of this is understandable.

 

As mentioned in my original post, I work at a coffee shop. Most of my co-workers speak both english and Spanish, including Mr. D. I have noticed in the past week that the language spoken at work has switched from being majority English to majority Spanish.

 

I do not speak Spanish, and so I've begun to feel completely left out. There has even been incidences where I have made mistakes I wouldn't normally have made simply because I had no idea what was going on with inventory, pastries, coffee orders, etc. etc.

 

On top of that, Mr. D. is not the only one at work who has started giving me the silent treatment. NOBODY, except customers, talks to me. The most I get is a "hello" when I come in, etc. etc.

 

I get the sense that my manager, another Spanish/English speaker, has also turned against me in some ways. He never talks to me hardly at all, and whenever he does, he is extremely short and rude. There is no reason for him to act this way towards me, it is completely out of his character and, in addition, I do everything right! Why be short with the best employee you've got? I even told him about how I feel left out due to everyone speaking Spanish and he told me, in all seriousness, that I was mental!

 

 

My guess is that when my manager approached Mr. D. to talk to him about the situation, Mr. D. denied everything. Since I have hurt Mr. D.'s ego, he has been talking about me to the other co-workers, making me the bad-guy out of resentment and hate. I have become some type of evil whistle-blower, simply because I didn't wanted to be harassed at work.

 

The worst part is that I've ONLY JUST NOW realized that this is what has been happening. Before, I didn't think the situation with Mr. D. and the Spanish phenomenon were related in any way. I have simply continued working and acting like Mr. D. and I were friends, even though he hardly speaks to me. For example, a couple of days ago I offered to give him a ride after work. That is what friends do, right?

 

Stupid stupid stupid.

 

I wish I wasn't so naive!

 

Now that it has dawned on me what is going on I've been thinking of all of the friendly and helpful things I have offered to do for Mr. D., hoping that the whole harassment issue could simply become water under the bridge. I feel like an idiot! Who knows what he has been saying about me behind my back, and possibly right in front of me, to my co-workers! And then I go and try to help him, or be friends with him, and it has probably looked so bad and hypocritical to everyone else! ugggghhhhhhh

 

Obviously, Mr. D. and I cannot be friends in any way. We never were friends and we will never be friends.

 

I only have two months to work at this coffee shop before I go off to study abroad in England. I thought about quitting for a second, but I need the money, and two months isn't really enough time to find a new job and get comfortable.

 

So, I am just going to work for the next two months and pretend that I am working at a coffee shop in Argentina or something. I am going to do my work, be polite to everyone, smile, and go about my business while being in my own little world. I believe I can turn this whole situation around by simply working and being my wonderful self while keeping an arm's distance from everyone else. I am going to forget the mistakes that I may or may not have made while still trying to be Mr. D.'s friend. I will just treat Mr. D. like I would any one of my customers. I will continue doing the best I can at my job, despite my manager's recent attitude change, but refrain from becoming emotionally invested in anything or anyone in or around the coffee shop. I will happily work simply for the $$$$.

 

My hope is that, by doing this, at the end of these next two months I will be able to gracefully walk out of this place with dignity and the knowledge that I've done the right thing. Wish me luck!

Edited May 31, 2012 by theseeker