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I feel so sick, angry and jealous!


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I am a 24-year-old female, who desperately needs some perspective on her situation. I can't talk to anyone about this. Anyway, here goes...

 

There is this guy (let's call him Ben) in my company, same team as me. He's extremely intelligent, nice albiet, too laid back. Ben would always be friendly with me, giving me compliments like "I am the best colleague on the team" and trying to chat with me on facebook. Even a close colleague friend (let's call her Jane, also on the same team) noticed something was up and said he seems to be interested in me. I always played it cool and said nothing could ever happen. Deep down, I loved the ego boost and I did like him but could never admit it to anyone because of my pride and that fact that I could not see a long-term relationship with him.

 

Anyway, Ben and Jane became good friends and I supported their friendship. Several months later, Jane confessed to me that she was in love with Ben. It shocked me considering she always treated him like a brother and even tried to play match-maker between me and him. She told me how Ben was so good, caring, smart and charming telling her things like how she was the "best girl he has ever met" (she really is overall very nice).

 

That made my head go through the roof knowing that I was replaced by my own best friend. They did seem more compatible so I encouraged Jane to go for it even if I was dying inside. Then, we both find out he has a girlfriend. Then, we found out that he has lied about other things too.

 

Now, they are both "just friends" who text, chat on Skype and talk on the phone on seemingly "work-related" stuff. I suspect that Jane's feelings didn't go away and she's still hoping that maybe he will feel that same as her. But I suspect that he doesn't and is just using her and she's too blind to see it. Now, he is with another girl and I keep wondering if Ben is a player or not.

 

All these things... knowing that Ben and Jane might be flirting, Ben being with other girls is making me crazy. I feel angry and betrayed by Jane for loving Ben even though she was honest with me about her feelings and she didn't even know about mine.

 

Jane and I sit together so now I can hardly even look at her side, afraid I might see her smiling at getting an IM from Ben. I feel sad that my friendship with Jane is ruined and I think even she picks up on my negativity. Ben doesn't talk to me like he used to except if it's work-related.

 

Everytime, I see Ben's chat window open in Jane's laptop and her typing away at work, I feel angry. I admit I am jealous of their close friendship or semi-flirting or whatever they have going on. I have even applied for higher studies just so I can leave my job and not deal with this.

 

This is complete and utter torture for me. I wish I wasn't pining for Ben (or missing the attention from him, I can't really tell) or wanting to gag at the thought of him being with other girls. Somehow, the thought of Ben being with Jane is more threatening and nauseating than him being with his girlfriend, don't know why though.

 

I used to love my job but now the office feels like hell for me. I don't want to tell Jane about my feelings especially because we work together and I don't want to make things even more awkward than they already are. I feel pathetic because I let one guy not just come between a good friendship but also make want to quit my job. I'm constantly thinking about them and even dream of Ben and Jane being all romantic. I know that Ben was never my boyfriend and that Jane can't help how she feels, then why do I still feel this way? How can deal with these feelings of bitterness, jealousy and anger? My whole life I have never been this person before.

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Million.to.1

Let me get this straight....

 

You thought he liked you, cause he showed you attention.... but you don't want a relationship with him anyway. ... he and your friend Jane don't know that you were/are kind of into him.. but only really for the attention, not because you want him or anything... just because it feels nice to have someone want you but not be able to have you??? ... And then you are jealous of your friend for developing a clearly dysfunctional "friendship" with a guy whose she's in love with while he's in a relationship?? Wtf? Can you not see how toxic this all is?

 

Time to put your ego in check girl. This isn't all about you.

 

Make a conscious effort to reconnect with your friend Jane.

Edited by Million.to.1
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Million, thank you for your reply. :)

 

You thought he liked you, cause he showed you attention.... but you don't want a relationship with him anyway. ... he and your friend Jane don't know that you were/are kind of into him.. but only really for the attention, not because you want him or anything... just because it feels nice to have someone want you but not be able to have you??? ... And then you are jealous of your friend for developing a clearly dysfunctional "friendship" with a guy whose she's in love with while he's in a relationship?? Wtf? Can you not see how toxic this all is?

 

If you put it that way then yes it's a REALLY SCREWED up situation. That's why I feel like I'm going crazy and maybe even need therapy.

 

Time to put your ego in check girl. This isn't all about you.

 

Make a conscious effort to reconnect with your friend Jane.

 

I'm trying really hard (because I do love her)... you know by listening to Jane rant about Ben and being all supportive of her and her "friendship" with Ben. I even warned her not to get too attached as any good friend would. I just wish we could talk about something other than him or that there was a spell to make me stop being so obsessed about them.

 

My brain knows that I'm being stupid but my heart is making me think irrational thoughts.

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Find another job.

 

FAST.

 

I am considering going for masters. My family seems to like that idea but I need to make sure that this is the right thing. I don't want to regret my decision later that I left my job over some meaningless obsession or crush.

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Million.to.1

 

 

I'm trying really hard (because I do love her)... you know by listening to Jane rant about Ben and being all supportive of her and her "friendship" with Ben. I even warned her not to get too attached as any good friend would. I just wish we could talk about something other than him or that there was a spell to make me stop being so obsessed about them.

 

You can see that she is going to get hurt over this at some point don't you? Well, try and talk to her about it... tell her that you care about her and she is putting to much energy into an unavailable man. This is stopping her from being open to other men who ARE available and interested. Tell her that you don't want to talk to her about Ben, because it's only encouraging her to obsess further over something she can't have. Help her take the step back from him that she needs to.

 

Ben seems to me to be a hell of a flirt and I would not like to be his girlfriend. What is a guy who cares about his girlfriend doing spending all day at work chatting with some chick whose in love with him and he's encouraging so she'll to cater to his ego? Not a nice guy.

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Thanks for your input.

 

You can see that she is going to get hurt over this at some point don't you? Well, try and talk to her about it... tell her that you care about her and she is putting to much energy into an unavailable man. This is stopping her from being open to other men who ARE available and interested. Tell her that you don't want to talk to her about Ben, because it's only encouraging her to obsess further over something she can't have. Help her take the step back from him that she needs to.

 

The more I try to talk her out of it the more defensive she gets and says 'it's nothing I'm over it. We're just friends'. But I know she's just kidding herself because she's said that to me before only to find out that she isn't over him. Also, she tends to get upset if he's going out on a date with his gf.

 

I want to help her but I also want to protect my own sanity.

 

Ben seems to me to be a hell of a flirt and I would not like to be his girlfriend. What is a guy who cares about his girlfriend doing spending all day at work chatting with some chick whose in love with him and he's encouraging so she'll to cater to his ego? Not a nice guy.

 

Yep, he's definitely not worth it... if only Jane would get it because she thinks Ben walks on water and can do no wrong.

 

That still doesn't stop me from feeling envious of their "friendship". I feel like a hypocrite sometimes...

 

EDIT: I'm trying to distract myself with exercise, hanging out with my friends outside of office, etc. Someday, if I'm lucky I'll get over it and be a friend to Jane that I used to be.

Edited by Rapport
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whichwayisup
Deep down, I loved the ego boost and I did like him but could never admit it to anyone because of my pride and that fact that I could not see a long-term relationship with him.

 

Honestly, the problem is with you. You even have said that you couldn't see a relationship happening..

 

This is all ego related. He isn't making you feel good like before, that ego boost is gone..He changed his focus since you weren't into him that way.

 

Bottomline is, who cares!! The guy has lied and pretended he was single. Why worry and waste time, energy and tears/confusion on a guy who isn't even worth it.

 

Let your friend Jane do as she pleases. She knows this guy is a liar yet still wants a friendship with him.

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Honestly, the problem is with you. You even have said that you couldn't see a relationship happening..

 

This is all ego related. He isn't making you feel good like before, that ego boost is gone..He changed his focus since you weren't into him that way.

 

Bottomline is, who cares!! The guy has lied and pretended he was single. Why worry and waste time, energy and tears/confusion on a guy who isn't even worth it.

 

Let your friend Jane do as she pleases. She knows this guy is a liar yet still wants a friendship with him.

 

I think Rapport clearly already understands that, if you read her OP she's cognitively understanding of him being a scumbag flirt not worth her heartache.

 

Rapport, I will let you know:

1) If you have good health insurance with the company/office you work for, getting help from a psychological counselor JUST to talk to someone who has some experience with legal / office ethics CANNOT hurt -- at least look into your options, please.

2) Age 24 is a WONDERFUL time to be back in school for your masters. If you have the means for it, DO IT.

3) Even if you don't open up to Jane about Ben, I think letting her know about you having hurt feelings over some office relations (up to you if you want to be anonymous as to who specifically it's about) and that you're trying to sort it out is important. Bottom line is, you miss your friend. She deserves to know as much to why you feel you have to distance yourself about it. If you're over Ben, just the honest fact that he's a lying cheat and you're disgusted by him stringing her on might be enough.

 

While getting away from that office environment is healthy, I would first look into seeing if talking to a counselor won't help you sort those out.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I'm back! whichwayisup, yes I know it's not nice to like someone only because they cater to my ego. Thank you for your honesty tho.

 

shorty7, thank you so much for the advice! :) Yes, I think talking to a counselor is a good idea. And yeah I have applied for masters this year so let's see how it goes. My friendship with Jane is starting to mend a little. Also, I think Jane has started to realize that Ben is not the "friend" she was hoping for. As for my jealousy, it comes and goes. But at least it is not as constant as it used to be.

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I have a co worker like Ben. He's been engaged for years but constantly lies and leads everyone on that he's always about to breakup. He's been saying this for years lol. I would never want to be his gf!

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