Office flirter that was too strong

[GG3]

I work in a male dominated office and am an engineer. I have found that this particular office has a lot of single guys "looking" or maybe they are just pigs. I'm not really fond of that attention now that I'm older. I like to be seen as focused on my work and I do not like people talking about me or wondering if I will date this guy or that guy in the office.

 

One in particular, I had started to become friends with. It became obvious that he may have a crush on me. I did like him to a degree, but the attention was a little overboard and was violating my boundaries. He was sneaking up behind me at my desk, literally hovering right behind me and I would not know he was there. I think he was trying to see who I was texting one day to see if I had a boyfriend. He did this more than once.

 

Other than that, he just stopped by way too often and was a little too aggressive. Even though I did like him, it was making me uncomfortable. People in the office were noticing and talking about it.

 

Two managers made comments to me about it on more than one occasion and I also worried that they would start to perceive that we were sitting there flirting a lot instead of working. I want to be clear that while I was being nice and friendly, I never went to his desk or initiated things. He always came to my desk. And there were times when I avoided him as well.

 

My supervisor had made several comments about it. He asked about should someone say something to him because he felt that the guy was bothering me. I eventually said yes. HR was not involved or anything. Supposedly a manager stopped by and told him to stop.

 

The guy did send me an IM to ask if we could talk and I never did get back to him. I can tell that he is mad or hurt. If I pass him in the hall, he looks mad.

 

I hate the situation because I did like the guy. And I wish I could take it back and have told the guy myself even though I was SO uncomfortable and afraid to do so.

 

Part of me wants to send a simple apology to his personal email in hopes that we can try to be friends again. I do not intend to say that him crossing my boundaries is okay. Just that I'm sorry about what happened.

 

Or should I let it go and see it as this guy shouldn't have been crossing my boundaries so much and I probably don't need to be friends with him for that reason?

 

What does everyone else think?

 

or did I just totally screw this up?

[johan]

I like your approach to keeping the workplace professional.

 

He might have taken it just as badly if you had tried to handle it yourself. But getting third parties involved probably embarrassed him.

 

Hard to say what you should do.

 

I guess a short note saying you are sorry about how things ended up would be ok. The other option is just to be friendly toward him and show him it isn't personal.

 

You kind of chickened out. You need to be brave enough to let someone know they need to go find somewhere else to hang out. Once anyway. After that, it's right to escalate it. You did him a favor though. He should realize that flirting in the office is a risky proposition.

[Eddie Edirol]

Unless you plan on hooking up with him, theres no reason to try to soften the situation. He didnt know how to be smooth while you liked him, that probably means he doesnt know how to be smooth in other areas. So unless youre ready to say to him straight up, "we can be friends, but you have to stop clowning around my desk, it makes me uncomfortable" - or "Management took it further than I wanted to, lets go get a bite to eat", theres no reason to say anything.

[SoleMate]

This situation bothers me, in that you did nothing at all wrong, yet he is stomping around making a frowny face at you and you feel that you are somehow at fault.

 

Please let me state the obvious. (BTW, I am a woman with two engineering degrees who works in environments that are 90 - 99% male.)

 

1) He was out of line.

 

2) If he actually and truly "liked" you, he would be falling over himself to make things comfortable and pleasant for you. In fact, he would never have made you uncomfortable in the first place.

 

3) You are worrying way more about his (peevish) feelings, than he is about your (reasonable) ones.

 

4) It is embarrassing and obnoxious when one's co-worker hangs over one.

 

I agree strongly with your idea, that if someone doesn't respect your boundaries or your feelings, you should not attempt any personal relationship with him, even the slightest. You're adults. We do not need to apply the same concepts that would be operative in a junior high school context where some decent males may not have learned how to express their interest in a courteous and respectful way.

 

Some day, a man a bit smarter and more perceptive than the rest will figure out the points above and learn how to approach you in a way that is appealing rather than worrisome and/or revolting. He may end up as the lucky one.

[Almond_Joy]

I work in a male dominated office and am an engineer. I have found that this particular office has a lot of single guys "looking" or maybe they are just pigs. I'm not really fond of that attention now that I'm older. I like to be seen as focused on my work and I do not like people talking about me or wondering if I will date this guy or that guy in the office.

 

One in particular, I had started to become friends with. It became obvious that he may have a crush on me. I did like him to a degree, but the attention was a little overboard and was violating my boundaries. He was sneaking up behind me at my desk, literally hovering right behind me and I would not know he was there. I think he was trying to see who I was texting one day to see if I had a boyfriend. He did this more than once.

 

Other than that, he just stopped by way too often and was a little too aggressive. Even though I did like him, it was making me uncomfortable. People in the office were noticing and talking about it.

 

Two managers made comments to me about it on more than one occasion and I also worried that they would start to perceive that we were sitting there flirting a lot instead of working. I want to be clear that while I was being nice and friendly, I never went to his desk or initiated things. He always came to my desk. And there were times when I avoided him as well.

 

My supervisor had made several comments about it. He asked about should someone say something to him because he felt that the guy was bothering me. I eventually said yes. HR was not involved or anything. Supposedly a manager stopped by and told him to stop.

 

The guy did send me an IM to ask if we could talk and I never did get back to him. I can tell that he is mad or hurt. If I pass him in the hall, he looks mad.

 

I hate the situation because I did like the guy. And I wish I could take it back and have told the guy myself even though I was SO uncomfortable and afraid to do so.

 

Part of me wants to send a simple apology to his personal email in hopes that we can try to be friends again. I do not intend to say that him crossing my boundaries is okay. Just that I'm sorry about what happened.

 

Or should I let it go and see it as this guy shouldn't have been crossing my boundaries so much and I probably don't need to be friends with him for that reason?

 

What does everyone else think?

 

or did I just totally screw this up?

 

From a professional level, you did the right thing. You're suppossed to go to HR and managers for situations like this. And it's reallly great that the leadership at your company was so perceptive and responsive to the condition of your workplace environment.

 

From a social perspective though - I think you should have tried to communicate with him directly about how uncomfortable you were/are before taking it to managers/HR. It doesn't sound like you tried to talk to him at all about how uncomfortable he was making you. I would think he's mad in part because you didn't talk to him first.

 

Now that it's done, it would be best to just leave it be.

[johan]

I think you should give it a couple weeks and then start flirting with him a lot. Until he flirts back one time. Then report him to HR.

[GG3]

This situation bothers me, in that you did nothing at all wrong, yet he is stomping around making a frowny face at you and you feel that you are somehow at fault.

 

Please let me state the obvious. (BTW, I am a woman with two engineering degrees who works in environments that are 90 - 99% male.)

 

1) He was out of line.

 

2) If he actually and truly "liked" you, he would be falling over himself to make things comfortable and pleasant for you. In fact, he would never have made you uncomfortable in the first place.

 

3) You are worrying way more about his (peevish) feelings, than he is about your (reasonable) ones.

 

4) It is embarrassing and obnoxious when one's co-worker hangs over one.

 

I agree strongly with your idea, that if someone doesn't respect your boundaries or your feelings, you should not attempt any personal relationship with him, even the slightest. You're adults. We do not need to apply the same concepts that would be operative in a junior high school context where some decent males may not have learned how to express their interest in a courteous and respectful way.

 

Some day, a man a bit smarter and more perceptive than the rest will figure out the points above and learn how to approach you in a way that is appealing rather than worrisome and/or revolting. He may end up as the lucky one.

 

Thanks. I agree with you completely. And number 3...I know that I have an issue with doing that.

 

It was embarrassing to me. I work in a cubeland. I know that people that sit around us were listening and watching.

[binny]

I'm also a female engineer in a male dominated environment. I sympathise with your situation because I know exactly how it feels and it is not easy to tell a guy whom you are trying to be professional with to back off. I think right thing to have done would have been to approach him first before getting management involved. Although I am surprised that management didn't ask whether you had approached him regarding his behaviour before they approached him. He is acting the way he is because he probably had no idea that what he was doing made you uncomfortable. I've had male friends who have been in this exact situation, they were interested in a girl, the girl was pleasent towards him and he interpreted it to mean that she liked him. This girl then went and reported him and he was stunned to find out because he just had no idea.

 

I'm not sure whether it is a good idea to contact this guy or not. It really depends how much you want him back as a friend, but that doesn't mean things will be the same as they were before. I would act pleasent towards him in the office and don't treat him differently to any other guy.

[KathyM]

I think you should send him an Email letting him know that you would like to have a nice professional relationship with him, and you feel things got off on the wrong track, and that you would like to be able to re-establish a good working relationship with him. Then ask him if he would be free for lunch, and let you know what day would be good for him. I think that would help to mend your relationship and still let him know that you want to keep the relationship on a professional level.

[pureinheart]

Thanks. I agree with you completely. And number 3...I know that I have an issue with doing that.

 

It was embarrassing to me. I work in a cubeland. I know that people that sit around us were listening and watching.

 

Ya, listening and watching for a reason, gossip...a good portion of the people I used to work with couldnot mind their own business if their lives depended on it.