Line between coworkers and friends

[SpiralOut]

I'm starting to think it might be best to keep my work relationships strictly at work. I don't know if that's me being smart, or if I'm just pushing people away.

 

For a while, I was going to group things with people outside of work. It felt good to feel included.

 

Lately I've been saying no. A huge reason for me saying no is because of a woman at work I do not get along with who invites me out all the time but then once we are out, she'll say rude and intrusive things to me. There's a thread on that already here. I feel so stressed out by her presence that I would rather miss out on events than be around her.

 

Today something happened that really hurt my feelings. Some people are getting together at a coworkers house. He lives down the street from me and I consider him a friend. He's always talking to me and I get along better with him than with anyone else at work.

 

But he didn't invite me. I don't know if he assumed that someone else invited me, or if he figured that I would just say no. But we worked next to each other all day long today and he did not say a single word of it to me. It was untíl I went to punch out that the woman I dislike asked me if I was going. She seemed to think I knew what she was talking about but I did not even know what she was referring tot. I just told her "no" and left it at that. I won't go somewhere that I'm not wanted; I don't want to be this tagalong person who only showed up because someone invited me by accident. For all I know they may have wanted her to keep her mouth shut about it.

 

I guess this has me questioning if I made a mistake in saying no to other events. Am I overreacting? Did I do something to make people not want to be around me?

 

Even if I had been asked I'm not sure if I would have gone. I dislike how clique-y it's becoming at work. I guess what I'm wondering is if it's better to become part of the clique, or just stay away from all of that. I am even considering just keeping to myself at work and not making conversation much anymore. I can't stand the idea of being that person whose "friends" at work leave her out intentionally.

 

Thoughts?

 

ETA: Not sure if this is relevant, but I have social anxiety which is somethign that has caused me to feel depression and suicidal thoughts for much of my life. When I don't care about being accepted, I feel okay. As soon as I start to care about how much of a social life I have, that's what I feel bad. Right now I am feeling as though I have little social life and it has triggered some suicidal thoughts (don't worry, I'm not going to do anything about it). I don't know how to cope with coworkers who openly make plans with each other that exclude me.

 

I'm also confused about why this "friend" of mine is having this gettogether in the first place. He spent the past few months completely avoiding hanging out with this one guy at work. The other woman, he changes the subject when she asks him what he's doing for new years. But with me he approaches me and talks to me all the time. But then he invites them both over to his place and not me? Like WTF?

Edited December 30, 2011 by SpiralOut

[malibustacydoll]

Who normally invited you to events before? Was it always the same person or different coworkers?

 

I would not take offense to them not inviting you this time. Again, people may have assumed you were invited or in fact been tired of asking and hearing you say "no".

 

I often hangout with people in my same work/school environment. There are a few people that I always ask to hangout with the group and they never want to come. I get along with them pretty well and consider them friends-- but they don't like some of the other people who go out. At first, I took offense to them never wanting to go out. I assumed that if I was friends with them, then shouldn't that be enough for them to want to join and give it a chance? It gets old asking when you know the answer.

 

If you want to be included in the future you should go next time they invite you or bring it up. Simply ask when you're back at work how the party went to your friend. See what he says and how he reacts and you'll more than likely get your answer on if you were welcomed there. I bet you were.

[Afishwithabike]

I've learned the hard way that it's best not to become close friends with colleagues. Keep it all professional. Now I keep my colleagues at work at a friendly distance. I'm not rude to anyone. I'm not cold. I'm cordial and helpful, but I don't treat them like personal friends. I don't share anything more than general information about what's going on in my personal life. I don't let my professional life and my personal life overlap anymore. I still have lunch with certain co-workers, but it's not several days of the week or even every week like before. So while I have work friends, they're aren't off-work site friends. The latter is what personal friends are for.

 

At one point, I wasn't that way. I used to be very close to certain co-workers. We were BFFs. We did everything together even going karaoke after work. We visited each other's homes. It was fun for a while, but then all the lunches together, all the outings, all the gossiping lead to problems at work for some of them. I then realized it was better to maintain some distance from colleagues.

Edited January 5, 2012 by Afishwithabike

[FitChick]

If I am spending eight to ten hours a day with co-workers, why would I want to spend even more time with them? If it's a work related function, then I go (Xmas party). Having the occasional lunch with a co-worker is fine as well. You need to network up to a point but if co-workers know too much about your personal life, it could backfire if you have a falling out and apply for another position at the same company. Conversely, you don't want to totally isolate yourself and become a target.

[SpiralOut]

Thank you for the feedback.

 

I see what you mean about staying friendly, but keeping a distance. I don't want to become that weird woman that nobody wants to talk to, but I don't want people knowing about my personal life either.

 

I am organizing a get-together this weekend since an ex-coworker is visiting from out of town and I thought it would be nice to do something. He's not in town often, so yeah.

 

I think there are certain events I'll go to, but not others. There are some people who gossip so much that I don't want to spend too much time around them. That was a big reason for my stepping back from them. I want to remain neutral.