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Coworker: does he dislike me or is it just the way he is?


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I have no issues with any of my coworkers except for one person. I am trying to wrap my head around what his intentions are and what is going on with him because sometimes I don't know if he offends me on purpose or if he is just oblivious. I also have some trouble with knowing how to deal with him.

 

I knew him prior to working with him, as we went to the same college. I was there before he joined the company, and I was happy to see him when he first showed up to start working with us. But then his attitude became obvious. He has a low opinion of the company we work for, which bothers me. He has no intention of staying any longer than he needs to, which bothers me also because he gets to work part of his evening in the department that I would love to be in. So there is a little bit of competitiveness and annoyance on my part towards him to begin with, but I try to control that and be understanding and patient since I want to have a good work relationship with him.

 

For the most part we get along well. I try to not hold a grudge against him. But sometimes he will say things that just really irk me. For example, the other day in the lunch room we were with another coworker of ours. Somehow we started talking about the day that my boss was a total dickhead to me over something and just really pissed me off. He responded to that by telling me he remembers that and that he was laughing while my boss gave me the third degree.

 

He was laughing as he said that, and did not notice me glaring at him. I looked over at our coworker and she did not make eye contact with either of us and she did not say anything. I just told him, "well I did not find it funny. It really upset me." And he just laughed again and told me that he was laughing.

 

There was another week when I had no problems with him all week. Then suddenly something went missing. He asked my coworker if she could send me down to look for it?? Which is utterly ridiculous. My coworker got angry with him and told him no. She later mentioned it to our boss, who also agreed that of course it is not my job to go looking for something. I felt like he was trying to boss me around, perhaps because he's a man and I'm a woman, or maybe he was just being ignorant I have no idea what he was thinking really.

 

Those are the two main incidences that make me wonder if he looks down on me or something. Or maybe he is picking up on the fact that I am annoyed with him, so this is how he chooses to act. Or maybe he is totally oblivious to how rude he is being and means no harm at all?? For the most part he seems like an okay guy who doesn't want to harm anyone. But sometimes I just wonder at the stuff he says and does. I mean who the hell LAUGHS when your coworker gets yelled at by the boss? You don't laugh at that unless you don't like the person who is being yelled at.

 

I haven't said much of anything to my other coworkers as I don't want to influence their opinions. And they are starting to get annoyed with him too, over different things (taking too many breaks, confessing to us on friday that he'll call in sick on monday when he knows we are already going to be shortstaffed).

 

Anyway I could go into more dettails but don't want to rant and rave for too long haha. What do you think is going on? I am starting to get stressed out when I go to work and am now considering saying something to someone.

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For the most part he seems like an okay guy who doesn't want to harm anyone. But sometimes I just wonder at the stuff he says and does. I mean who the hell LAUGHS when your coworker gets yelled at by the boss? You don't laugh at that unless you don't like the person who is being yelled at.

 

It sounds as though he was laughing out of schadenfreude rather than, necessarily, any personal dislike for you. I know that schadenfreude is generally associated with dislike, but a lot of people (and, I would say, particularly men) simply associate it with humour....personal feelings about the person suffering the misfortune, in your case being shouted at by the boss, being irrelevant.

 

Is he an IT geek?

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It sounds as though he was laughing out of schadenfreude rather than, necessarily, any personal dislike for you. I know that schadenfreude is generally associated with dislike, but a lot of people (and, I would say, particularly men) simply associate it with humour....personal feelings about the person suffering the misfortune, in your case being shouted at by the boss, being irrelevant.

 

Is he an IT geek?

 

Well I still think it was rude, and rather stupid of him to TELL me that he found it funny. I would prefer that he kept that to himself. And I found it very odd that he was completely oblivious to how I reacted.

 

No he is not an IT geek. I am starting to wonder if he just doesn't pick up on cues from people or can't pick up on the emotions in their voice/face. I have noticed he has that problem sometimes with other people.

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Eddie Edirol

If he doesnt like the company, he could be a misery loves company case. Maybe he is miserable and wants you to be miserable too, or he just likes being a jerk and likes seeing you react to it. Either way, you can ignore him, or tell someone, but dont let him get to you. Dont let another person affect the way you feel about going to work.

Edited by Eddie Edirol
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Thank you I will try to not let it get to me. I take solace in the fact that other people at work are noticing some of his behaviours and getting annoyed by it. For example, the way that he tries to give orders. I don't know if he does it on purpose but he will sometimes ask us to do things that are not our jobs to do, which NOBODY else in the company ever does. Except maybe our boss, but even he does not expect us to do certain things and he gets upset with us if we say yes to this guy (I've been mostly saying no).

 

And he'll criticize the management style, and he'll make statements like "oh yes this is the time of day when ______ happens" which is untrue so clearly he does not know what he is talking about but he thinks he does. I think he has a big ego and thinks he is too good for this place so maybe you are right about misery loves company.

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Excalibur1814

I suppose you have options.

- Bide your time before someone gets the huff

- Report his behavior to Human Resources (Especially the '"I'm not in on Monday"

- Keep a log of the idiotic things he does to cover you and work colleagues

- Ignore him

- Inform him (with a work colleague next to you) as politely as you can, that you'd like him to leave you alone

- Record phone conversations when and if required (As long as your company has a clear and written phone policy)

 

 

We have a couple of people here that we like to call snipers, type of person that likes to get in the remarks about how rubbish a company is. Truly pathetic really and a drain on time, initiative and energy. If he's like this with other people then maybe see that it's not personal; he's just an idiot that needs to grow up.

 

P.s. I'm in I.T. but I don't laugh at people getting told off and am not a nerd ;)

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P.s. I'm in I.T. but I don't laugh at people getting told off and am not a nerd ;)

 

I thought you were in House.

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Erm yeah so I have decided to wait it out and see what happens. It is a small company, and our department is even smaller (only 4 of us) so he can only get away with so much for so long.

 

He deliberately ignores what our boss tells him, multiple times. I wouldn't care except that the work he does affects the work that I do and makes my job more difficult and frustrating. I have had to explain something to him that had already been explained to him several times and he flat-out admitted that he did it on purpose. And then apologized and said he wouldn't do it again (which of course he probably has).

 

I got stuck staying late today because he weasled his way out of leaving our department earlier than he should have, which left the extra work on the rest of us. I found out afterwards that he had been specifically told to stay with us until a certain time. He knew there was work to do, he just didn't want to listen to what he was told.

 

He got chewed out today several times. He responded to that by complaining about it as if he was some type of victim.

 

I don't think he was laughing or found it very funny. :p

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whichwayisup

The guy is an ass.hole, it's that plain and simple. Don't react and don't get upset, and most of all, don't take it personally!

 

Ignore him. Any reaction from you just feeds his ass.holish ego (made up word).

 

Sooner or later his attitude will be noticed by others, since you say too that the company is small, I'm sure there will be other people who think he's an ass.hole too!

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Excalibur1814

+1 he shouldn't be there for long as you only have to annoy the one 'high-uo' person once and your time is limited.

 

Why oh why does society form this sort of person :(

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Afishwithabike

If this is a small workplace, your employer/manager will notice his behavior. Hopefully, he/she takes action to deal with your co-worker.

 

Sometimes the best way to deal with people like this is to ignore them. Some of them get perverse satisfaction from eliciting a reaction. They want you to say something. It's like the bully on the playground. They want a knee jerk reaction from you. The more upset they make you, the more they get a sense of satisfaction.

 

He sounds obnoxious. He reminds me of someone from my old department. If he knew you hated a certain topic, he would talk about it. For example, he would talk about his farm and slaughterhouse practices to a woman in the office who he knew was an advocate of animal rights. She was smart though. She wouldn't react at all. She was calm and controlled. Eventually he stopped it *with her* because it was no fun for him.

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Yeah you guys are right, he is a tool and a jerk. I don't think it is anything personal against me. Today I found out that apparantly he thinks it is funny that HE got into trouble. He thinks it is all a big joke. And the more he got yelled at today (again) he would either laugh at "how stupid it is" or complain about how he is being picked on. *facepalm*

 

I must admit that some of it wasn't really his fault. I think that he pissed off management due to all the OTHER things he did, so they are looking to find things wrong with him and blame on him. Management also made a comment today about how it is always all about him (it's true!!). And they said it in a joking way, but you could tell they were being serious.

 

He spent most of today stirring up trouble by talking crap about our boss whenever he wasn't around, which is stupid because I think he suspects he is being talk about (he is a very suspicious guy). He convinced the other girl in our department to be on his side and they would complain together.

 

I felt very uncomfortable all day because my desk is near theirs and I could not get away from them. Wasn't really sure of what to do except stay quiet. They were being so juvenile.

 

Then he tried to rope me into it by commenting on how quiet I was being. I didn't really respond. I noticed the other guy we worked with wasn't saying much either. Later that night they were complaining some more and he directly asked me what I thought. I said that I just want to go home, that's all I care about.

 

We work very closely together so I cannot really avoid him. I have just withdrawn a lot conversationally. He said some mean, judgmental things about another woman we work with who is on vacation this week, which completely shocked me. I don't trust him at all now (not like I did before, but ya know).

 

Anyway I am ranting again! Thank you all for the advice and letting me vent. I am going nuts just listening to him being an idiot every day. But we'll see if management decides to do anything or not....

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Afishwithabike

You did the right thing by not being drawn into his negative conversation.

 

He's not to be trusted. As you said, he is juvenile. Just stay calm. Don't give him a reaction. Stay professional and on task. You don't have to give him the silent treatment. However, you don't have to respond when he's stirring up trouble.

 

I think you're handling it the right way.

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Thanks...yeah I think I can handle it.

 

Starting next week he will be in our department fulltime. They moved him out of the other department (the one he prefers) and are training two new people in there. Which strikes me as sort of odd. I don't know if they are doing it because they are annoyed with him or if it just works out better this way. I don't know. Oh well I guess I had better get used to him!

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  • 4 weeks later...
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An update, for anyone interested:

 

The girl that he was complaining together with got fired.

 

He is still with the company but on Friday he got into a fight with our boss. He sounded like a kid having a temper tantrum. I didn't hear everything he said, but at a certain point I heard him mention my name.

 

This pisses me off. I don't know what he said about me. He couldn't have said very much. I have never said a single bad word against the company or any of our coworkers. There were a couple times when I lost my temper in the breakroom and complained about something that happened (eg. this one time my boss was really rude and mean to me). But that's about it. But it still begs the question of what did he say about me?

 

The only person I can ask left for vacation today so unless somebody else brings it up, there's nobody I can really ask to see what happened. I mean I kind of deserve to know what was said about me, ya know? Anyway you guys sure were right that I can't trust him. Thank god I haven't said anything really bad around him!

 

ETA: Oh right and the other woman we work with really doesn't like him now. She's been complaining about him to me while he complains about her to me. So stressful. And she's been complaining to our boss about him. I don't think he's going to last much longer which sort of sucks because it will leave us short-staffed again. But it might be good in the long run. oh well we'll see what happens.

Edited by SpiralOut
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Eddie Edirol

Youd be surprised how much more productive you can be when you dont have someone like that weighing down on your shoulders...even when youre short staffed.

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Afishwithabike
An update, for anyone interested:

 

The girl that he was complaining together with got fired.

 

He is still with the company but on Friday he got into a fight with our boss. He sounded like a kid having a temper tantrum. I didn't hear everything he said, but at a certain point I heard him mention my name.

 

This pisses me off. I don't know what he said about me. He couldn't have said very much. I have never said a single bad word against the company or any of our coworkers. There were a couple times when I lost my temper in the breakroom and complained about something that happened (eg. this one time my boss was really rude and mean to me). But that's about it. But it still begs the question of what did he say about me?

 

The only person I can ask left for vacation today so unless somebody else brings it up, there's nobody I can really ask to see what happened. I mean I kind of deserve to know what was said about me, ya know? Anyway you guys sure were right that I can't trust him. Thank god I haven't said anything really bad around him!

 

ETA: Oh right and the other woman we work with really doesn't like him now. She's been complaining about him to me while he complains about her to me. So stressful. And she's been complaining to our boss about him. I don't think he's going to last much longer which sort of sucks because it will leave us short-staffed again. But it might be good in the long run. oh well we'll see what happens.

 

I don't see this man lasting long at your workplace. A fight with the boss is a career limiting move.

 

Don't ask the boss what was said about you. Stay out of it unless your boss brings it up.

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Oh don't worry I wasn't planning on asking my boss what was said about me. There is one woman at work who overheard the whole thing and she will probably tell me what was said if she thinks that I should know; except she won't be here next week. So I probably won't bring it up even though it is driving me insane not knowing.

 

As for protecting myself...I do my job very well, I know when to keep my mouth shut and I get along well everyone, so that's my protection. Whenever management wants to know about someone they will ask all the other coworkers what they think. So I should be fine. They've complimented my work performance lately too. That guy was acting so juvenile I am not sure that my boss would take what he said seriously anyway, now that I think of it. I think I heard him saying to leave me out of it.

 

You are right, Eddie, it might be easier without him around. He is a real pain in the ass to work with, I mean he keeps making the same mistakes and he doesn't listen and it screws things up for me.

 

This week it will be just me and all the newer people, and last time that happened this guy really acted up. I'm a little nervous that I might lose my temper. But anyway, I'll post an update when something of significance happens.

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Okay I did not expect to be posting again here so soon but today he said some things that made me so angry I could hardly see straight.

 

I'm the only woman in our department this week so he's been acting rowdy. Today he started making jokes about how if he was a gynecologist he would be making all of his patients satisfied.

 

It was repulsive and offensive. Not to mention the fact that we work for a medical laboratory and handle patient samples all day, so that sort of talk in a workplace like ours is considered extremely unprofessional and inappropriate.

 

I was so shocked and upset that I didn't say anything. He looked over at me and was like "oh sorry spiralout. it's just guytalk" and then he kept going. He's not sorry at all! I guess I should have said something at that point, but I figured that would have just made me look like a poor sport or whatever. If any other woman had been in the room at that moment I would have had back up but it was just us.

 

Anyway I wanted to speak to him about it today but I didn't get a chance alone with him. Tomorrow I will be telling him that his comments offended me. I HAVE to say something. That type of talk is completely out of line. I had to go lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes to calm myself down.

 

ETA: oh and that's not the first time he brought up the topic of sex. He mentioned it one other time about a month ago. And today he made some other sexual comments (not gynecologist related thankfully). The language he used wasn't vulgar but it was all insinuation and tone of voice that just made me feel sick to my stomach.

 

AND I think he might have sensed that I was upset, because I was pretty much ignoring him and he then started making all sorts of flattering comments about me like how I was the smartest in our class, blahblah. Which just annoyed me even more because kissing my ass won't make any difference at all. And I think I might have been a little bit lippy with my boss at the end of my shift because I was so upset I hardly knew what I was saying or doing. I know that shouldn't bother me so much but my god. I don't think I've worked with anyone before who had the nerve to say such rude things.

Edited by SpiralOut
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Afishwithabike

Talk to him, but one wonders if he did it on purpose to get a rise out of you. Still, the first step is to tell him it's inappropriate and you want it to stop. Don't let him try to make you feel like you have a problem with it. "But it's just a joke." or "Can't you take a joke?" blah, blah. He's not at a bar having a drink. He's at work which means he needs to behave in a professional manner to all his co-workers, male and female.

 

If he still continues, you need to bring this to the attention of your supervisor. Most western employers now have workplace sexual harassment policies in place to deal with things like this.

 

Start documenting these things somewhere privately. What he says, when he says it, etc. You may not need it, but if you need that information later on, you'll have the information handy.

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Thanks. yeah I spoke with him today and I told him that the sorts of jokes he was making the other day really bothered me. I didn't even need to explain what I was talking about because he seemed to know right away what I meant. He apologized right away and said he understands. It''s as if he suspected he pissed me off and was waiting to see if I would say anything or not.

 

What irks me is that he said that "sometimes us guys make jokes and we forget about the sensitivites of others"

 

So basically he doesn't seem to realize it is workplace inappropriate. He thinks that I just don't like it because I'm a woman and I am sensitive. Which okay, that IS part of it. But the main issue is that it is just plain inappropriate. I didn't bother to try and argue with him. He seemed genuinely sorry, although I am not sure if he's sorry he upset me or if he's just sorry that I said something! He actually thanked me for telling him.

 

I'll be documenting these things for sure. And like you suggest, I'll tell someone about it when/if another incidence happens. I WAS planning on speaking to my boss about it today, but then I decided not to, call it a gut feeling.

 

I feel much better now.

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Oh I forgot to mention something. I suspect that he has a problem with the fact that people go to me to ask questions and dont ask him anything (very often anyway). Like if another coworker comes up to me and asks me something, if he is sitting nearby and ovehears it he will interject himself into the conversation and either confirm or deny what I just said. Mostly he is just confirming it. As if he knows better than me!! I'm the one in charge of certain things, that he doesn't know how to do, so I actually know more than he does. But he seems to think he is the authority figure on it or something. Which makes no sense because his accuracy is much lower than mine also.

 

My other coworkers seem very confused when he does this to them. They just say "umm...okay" and then walk off. I just ignore it completely.

 

There was also a day this week when he decided to take his lunchbreak at a different time than usual without asking permission. When our supervisor was questioning him about it, he made the excuse of "oh I didn't want to leave spiralout by herself." At which point our boss laughed at him and told him "spiralout can handle herself better than the rest of you all put together!!" And my coworker was like "oh. really??" And then he apologized to me because I guess he was worried he'd offended me. Which I wasn't really. I mean, I'm starting to see that he thinks other people don't know anything. Not to mention that he probably was just using me as an excuse for doing something he wasn't supposed to do. I doubt that he really cared about leaving me by myself to work alone.

 

Anyway I am planning now to speak to someone on monday about his inappropriate sex comments. Somebody else needs to know what is going on in case it happens again.

 

I need to stop letting this get to me!! At least it gives me motivation to go for my runs in the evening! lol

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Mrlonelyone
But he seems to think he is the authority figure on it or something. Which makes no sense because his accuracy is much lower than mine also.

 

That's just plain old sexism. Men often assume that women don't know what they are talking about. They also will try to dominate a situation.

 

The only reason I can think of for him not being fired is if he must be good at what he does. At least the boss thinks he is good at what he does. People who are really good at what they do can get away with things others would not.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Actually he's not good at his job. He makes a lot of mistakes, more than other people.

 

Anyway today I thought I was going to punch him. A politician recently died and he asked me if I had heard about it, which I had. He then asked me if I had liked him. I said I dunno, I don't know much about him. Then he asked me if I really follow politics and when I said no he said ""really?? WOOOOW." in this incredibly condescending, disbelieving and disdainful tone of voice.

 

Never in my life have I worked with a coworker who has the nerve to speak to me so rudely. I've seen him act this way with other people; being judgemental towards them and telling them he cannot believe they think or act a certain way. He thinks if peopel aren't just like them, well something must be wrong with them.

 

He is always quoting the bible on his facebook, yet in person he is one of the most judgemental and arrogant people I know. I don't know how to handle working with him anymore. I don't know how to deal with him when he gives me that tone of voice.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to mention it to my other coworker and see what she says. It stresses me out to be working with someone like him. As far as I am concerned, he does not belong at our company.

 

Oh right, and he stills asks me questions about things that he should know the answer to (for example, when a list of codes is in front of his face and he asks me for the code because he can't bother to spend 2 seconds looking for it himself).

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