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Coworker: does he dislike me or is it just the way he is?


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Old 25th June 2011, 3:29 PM   #1
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Coworker: does he dislike me or is it just the way he is?

I have no issues with any of my coworkers except for one person. I am trying to wrap my head around what his intentions are and what is going on with him because sometimes I don't know if he offends me on purpose or if he is just oblivious. I also have some trouble with knowing how to deal with him.

I knew him prior to working with him, as we went to the same college. I was there before he joined the company, and I was happy to see him when he first showed up to start working with us. But then his attitude became obvious. He has a low opinion of the company we work for, which bothers me. He has no intention of staying any longer than he needs to, which bothers me also because he gets to work part of his evening in the department that I would love to be in. So there is a little bit of competitiveness and annoyance on my part towards him to begin with, but I try to control that and be understanding and patient since I want to have a good work relationship with him.

For the most part we get along well. I try to not hold a grudge against him. But sometimes he will say things that just really irk me. For example, the other day in the lunch room we were with another coworker of ours. Somehow we started talking about the day that my boss was a total dickhead to me over something and just really pissed me off. He responded to that by telling me he remembers that and that he was laughing while my boss gave me the third degree.

He was laughing as he said that, and did not notice me glaring at him. I looked over at our coworker and she did not make eye contact with either of us and she did not say anything. I just told him, "well I did not find it funny. It really upset me." And he just laughed again and told me that he was laughing.

There was another week when I had no problems with him all week. Then suddenly something went missing. He asked my coworker if she could send me down to look for it?? Which is utterly ridiculous. My coworker got angry with him and told him no. She later mentioned it to our boss, who also agreed that of course it is not my job to go looking for something. I felt like he was trying to boss me around, perhaps because he's a man and I'm a woman, or maybe he was just being ignorant I have no idea what he was thinking really.

Those are the two main incidences that make me wonder if he looks down on me or something. Or maybe he is picking up on the fact that I am annoyed with him, so this is how he chooses to act. Or maybe he is totally oblivious to how rude he is being and means no harm at all?? For the most part he seems like an okay guy who doesn't want to harm anyone. But sometimes I just wonder at the stuff he says and does. I mean who the hell LAUGHS when your coworker gets yelled at by the boss? You don't laugh at that unless you don't like the person who is being yelled at.

I haven't said much of anything to my other coworkers as I don't want to influence their opinions. And they are starting to get annoyed with him too, over different things (taking too many breaks, confessing to us on friday that he'll call in sick on monday when he knows we are already going to be shortstaffed).

Anyway I could go into more dettails but don't want to rant and rave for too long haha. What do you think is going on? I am starting to get stressed out when I go to work and am now considering saying something to someone.
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Old 27th June 2011, 8:12 AM   #2
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For the most part he seems like an okay guy who doesn't want to harm anyone. But sometimes I just wonder at the stuff he says and does. I mean who the hell LAUGHS when your coworker gets yelled at by the boss? You don't laugh at that unless you don't like the person who is being yelled at.
It sounds as though he was laughing out of schadenfreude rather than, necessarily, any personal dislike for you. I know that schadenfreude is generally associated with dislike, but a lot of people (and, I would say, particularly men) simply associate it with humour....personal feelings about the person suffering the misfortune, in your case being shouted at by the boss, being irrelevant.

Is he an IT geek?
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Old 27th June 2011, 8:41 PM   #3
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It sounds as though he was laughing out of schadenfreude rather than, necessarily, any personal dislike for you. I know that schadenfreude is generally associated with dislike, but a lot of people (and, I would say, particularly men) simply associate it with humour....personal feelings about the person suffering the misfortune, in your case being shouted at by the boss, being irrelevant.

Is he an IT geek?
Well I still think it was rude, and rather stupid of him to TELL me that he found it funny. I would prefer that he kept that to himself. And I found it very odd that he was completely oblivious to how I reacted.

No he is not an IT geek. I am starting to wonder if he just doesn't pick up on cues from people or can't pick up on the emotions in their voice/face. I have noticed he has that problem sometimes with other people.
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Old 27th June 2011, 9:53 PM   #4
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If he doesnt like the company, he could be a misery loves company case. Maybe he is miserable and wants you to be miserable too, or he just likes being a jerk and likes seeing you react to it. Either way, you can ignore him, or tell someone, but dont let him get to you. Dont let another person affect the way you feel about going to work.

Last edited by Eddie Edirol; 27th June 2011 at 9:56 PM..
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Old 28th June 2011, 1:14 AM   #5
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Thank you I will try to not let it get to me. I take solace in the fact that other people at work are noticing some of his behaviours and getting annoyed by it. For example, the way that he tries to give orders. I don't know if he does it on purpose but he will sometimes ask us to do things that are not our jobs to do, which NOBODY else in the company ever does. Except maybe our boss, but even he does not expect us to do certain things and he gets upset with us if we say yes to this guy (I've been mostly saying no).

And he'll criticize the management style, and he'll make statements like "oh yes this is the time of day when ______ happens" which is untrue so clearly he does not know what he is talking about but he thinks he does. I think he has a big ego and thinks he is too good for this place so maybe you are right about misery loves company.
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Old 28th June 2011, 7:07 AM   #6
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yay

I suppose you have options.
- Bide your time before someone gets the huff
- Report his behavior to Human Resources (Especially the '"I'm not in on Monday"
- Keep a log of the idiotic things he does to cover you and work colleagues
- Ignore him
- Inform him (with a work colleague next to you) as politely as you can, that you'd like him to leave you alone
- Record phone conversations when and if required (As long as your company has a clear and written phone policy)


We have a couple of people here that we like to call snipers, type of person that likes to get in the remarks about how rubbish a company is. Truly pathetic really and a drain on time, initiative and energy. If he's like this with other people then maybe see that it's not personal; he's just an idiot that needs to grow up.

P.s. I'm in I.T. but I don't laugh at people getting told off and am not a nerd
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Old 28th June 2011, 12:02 PM   #7
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P.s. I'm in I.T. but I don't laugh at people getting told off and am not a nerd
I thought you were in House.
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Old 29th June 2011, 8:58 PM   #8
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Erm yeah so I have decided to wait it out and see what happens. It is a small company, and our department is even smaller (only 4 of us) so he can only get away with so much for so long.

He deliberately ignores what our boss tells him, multiple times. I wouldn't care except that the work he does affects the work that I do and makes my job more difficult and frustrating. I have had to explain something to him that had already been explained to him several times and he flat-out admitted that he did it on purpose. And then apologized and said he wouldn't do it again (which of course he probably has).

I got stuck staying late today because he weasled his way out of leaving our department earlier than he should have, which left the extra work on the rest of us. I found out afterwards that he had been specifically told to stay with us until a certain time. He knew there was work to do, he just didn't want to listen to what he was told.

He got chewed out today several times. He responded to that by complaining about it as if he was some type of victim.

I don't think he was laughing or found it very funny.
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Old 30th June 2011, 1:39 AM   #9
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The guy is an ass.hole, it's that plain and simple. Don't react and don't get upset, and most of all, don't take it personally!

Ignore him. Any reaction from you just feeds his ass.holish ego (made up word).

Sooner or later his attitude will be noticed by others, since you say too that the company is small, I'm sure there will be other people who think he's an ass.hole too!
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Old 30th June 2011, 11:46 AM   #10
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Yay

+1 he shouldn't be there for long as you only have to annoy the one 'high-uo' person once and your time is limited.

Why oh why does society form this sort of person
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Old 30th June 2011, 3:32 PM   #11
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If this is a small workplace, your employer/manager will notice his behavior. Hopefully, he/she takes action to deal with your co-worker.

Sometimes the best way to deal with people like this is to ignore them. Some of them get perverse satisfaction from eliciting a reaction. They want you to say something. It's like the bully on the playground. They want a knee jerk reaction from you. The more upset they make you, the more they get a sense of satisfaction.

He sounds obnoxious. He reminds me of someone from my old department. If he knew you hated a certain topic, he would talk about it. For example, he would talk about his farm and slaughterhouse practices to a woman in the office who he knew was an advocate of animal rights. She was smart though. She wouldn't react at all. She was calm and controlled. Eventually he stopped it *with her* because it was no fun for him.
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Old 30th June 2011, 10:17 PM   #12
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Yeah you guys are right, he is a tool and a jerk. I don't think it is anything personal against me. Today I found out that apparantly he thinks it is funny that HE got into trouble. He thinks it is all a big joke. And the more he got yelled at today (again) he would either laugh at "how stupid it is" or complain about how he is being picked on. *facepalm*

I must admit that some of it wasn't really his fault. I think that he pissed off management due to all the OTHER things he did, so they are looking to find things wrong with him and blame on him. Management also made a comment today about how it is always all about him (it's true!!). And they said it in a joking way, but you could tell they were being serious.

He spent most of today stirring up trouble by talking crap about our boss whenever he wasn't around, which is stupid because I think he suspects he is being talk about (he is a very suspicious guy). He convinced the other girl in our department to be on his side and they would complain together.

I felt very uncomfortable all day because my desk is near theirs and I could not get away from them. Wasn't really sure of what to do except stay quiet. They were being so juvenile.

Then he tried to rope me into it by commenting on how quiet I was being. I didn't really respond. I noticed the other guy we worked with wasn't saying much either. Later that night they were complaining some more and he directly asked me what I thought. I said that I just want to go home, that's all I care about.

We work very closely together so I cannot really avoid him. I have just withdrawn a lot conversationally. He said some mean, judgmental things about another woman we work with who is on vacation this week, which completely shocked me. I don't trust him at all now (not like I did before, but ya know).

Anyway I am ranting again! Thank you all for the advice and letting me vent. I am going nuts just listening to him being an idiot every day. But we'll see if management decides to do anything or not....
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Old 1st July 2011, 5:20 AM   #13
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You did the right thing by not being drawn into his negative conversation.

He's not to be trusted. As you said, he is juvenile. Just stay calm. Don't give him a reaction. Stay professional and on task. You don't have to give him the silent treatment. However, you don't have to respond when he's stirring up trouble.

I think you're handling it the right way.
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Old 7th July 2011, 8:22 PM   #14
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Thanks...yeah I think I can handle it.

Starting next week he will be in our department fulltime. They moved him out of the other department (the one he prefers) and are training two new people in there. Which strikes me as sort of odd. I don't know if they are doing it because they are annoyed with him or if it just works out better this way. I don't know. Oh well I guess I had better get used to him!
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Old 30th July 2011, 3:59 PM   #15
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An update, for anyone interested:

The girl that he was complaining together with got fired.

He is still with the company but on Friday he got into a fight with our boss. He sounded like a kid having a temper tantrum. I didn't hear everything he said, but at a certain point I heard him mention my name.

This pisses me off. I don't know what he said about me. He couldn't have said very much. I have never said a single bad word against the company or any of our coworkers. There were a couple times when I lost my temper in the breakroom and complained about something that happened (eg. this one time my boss was really rude and mean to me). But that's about it. But it still begs the question of what did he say about me?

The only person I can ask left for vacation today so unless somebody else brings it up, there's nobody I can really ask to see what happened. I mean I kind of deserve to know what was said about me, ya know? Anyway you guys sure were right that I can't trust him. Thank god I haven't said anything really bad around him!

ETA: Oh right and the other woman we work with really doesn't like him now. She's been complaining about him to me while he complains about her to me. So stressful. And she's been complaining to our boss about him. I don't think he's going to last much longer which sort of sucks because it will leave us short-staffed again. But it might be good in the long run. oh well we'll see what happens.

Last edited by SpiralOut; 30th July 2011 at 4:08 PM..
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