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My Boss has feelings for me


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Old 25th June 2011, 1:17 PM   #1
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My Boss has feelings for me

I started working at this new company about a year ago. I enjoy working with my boss because he is friendly, very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. He seeks my advice on management of his company and we get along very well. He's 36, divorced with kids and has a mistress of 5 years (which caused the divorce). I'm in my 20s.

My secretary once told me that my boss treats me so much better than his ex-staff (i.e. the one who left the company before he hired me), in terms of the way the talks to me, he'd open the door for me etc. I didn't think much about it because I am pretty good at what I do at work.

About 6 months back, my boss started talking to me about movies. He's a movie buff and so am I. We talked rather extensively (after working hours, as we walked to the car / while waiting for the elevator) about movies and he'd tell me about movies that I should watch etc. But he never asked me out.

Then he started sms-ing me about songs/movies during weekends and sometimes at night on weekdays. I think of him as a boss-friend so I guess I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary. He'd treat me lunch occasionally on workdays and we'll talk about work. Nobody else at work knew about this, and he seemed a bit worried if someone found out because he would always wait for me in the car park rather than walk with me to his car.

Last month, on a Friday night, he asked me out for drinks. I agreed. We were out till early in the morning and as he was driving me home, he asked me whether it was alright for him to ask me out for drinks sometimes. I said "I'll have to see if I have any plans that night".

The following week, I was out with friends on a Friday night and they left rather early so I sms-ed my boss to see if he wanted to join me for drinks. He did. We talked till early in the morning again and this time he confessed that he really enjoys spending time with me too much (more than just mere friends) and that when I asked him out for drinks, he was really excited about it. I was shocked and didn't say anything to him.

After that night, he would ask me out for drinks / lunch but most of the time I would politely decline by making up some excuses. He'd call me at night, just to talk and it was really nice talking to him. And when he didn't call or text me, I'd be wondering why hasn't he called etc.

He kept asking me out for lunch one day, saying that he needed to see me and so I agreed. We went out for lunch two days ago. He confessed that he was falling in love with me and that though he knew it was wrong for that kind of feeling because he has a mistress and he's also my boss, he couldn't help feeling that way towards me. He talked about how attractive I am and how much he misses me when I'm not around and that we have so much fun talking to each other due to our common interests. He said that he'd hate to do anything that may cause me to leave his company because I help him alot at work.

It has been 2 days now and he didn't text/call me at all. We did talk about work during working hours but that's all.

What should I do? What is going on? Why is he telling me about his feelings? Although I feel flattered by his attention, sometimes I wished he hadn't confessed and we'd still be boss-friends.
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Old 25th June 2011, 2:54 PM   #2
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This is what I see from your post. He's "zooming" you the same way he did with his mistress when he was married. And he's doing the same thing to his mistress that he did to his W. It almost sounds like he "groomed" you for the role he wants you to play in his life - the secret, illicit, thrilling A.

This guy is good. He is a leopard that hasn't changed his spots. I think you're right to question it, and hang back from it like you're doing.

Be careful! Beyond this place, there be dragons.
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Old 25th June 2011, 7:47 PM   #3
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I'm going to respond to this before reading anyone else's comments.

Firstly, your boss is much older than you and I doubt he should be chasing a woman much younger than him. That said, you are an adult and he can justify it to himself by saying that.

You must have realised your boss was interested in you as more than a friend. He is divorced and, if I might say so, has a track record of affairs. He destroyed his marriage like that so he's obviously not averse to going behind his partner's back.

You have kind of encouraged him by allowing conversations to stray onto social activities more and more and then meeting up with him. I don't know why you thought he would treat you for lunch just to be a colleague, it does sound like special treatment. Hiding it from the rest of his colleagues should have aroused your suspicions too.

By agreeing to go out for drinks with him and by inviting him to join you on a social occasion, you were pretty much agreeing to a date if not in name. You have not discouraged him it seems. You can hardly blame him for thinking that there might be a chance of this turning into more.

Having said that, he has a partner and he should not be chasing other women. He is attracted to you. It may be that he's fallen in love with you, but serial adulterers do tend to claim they've fallen in love with their latest fancy as it sort of justifies deceiving their partner, almost as if they couldn't help themselves and it was destined. But, unless you want this guy, it's not really going to go any further is it?

He has told you how he feels because he's been partly encouraged to think you'd be interested in some kind of relationship, something more than a friendship. He's got a friend anyway, his partner, so does he really need to seek other female friends? He might not have been in touch because he's feeling awkward that he's confessed to you. He also knows it could potentially spell trouble if you refuse him or if you blab and his girlfriend gets to hear. He's risked his security. Security really matters to guys who have affairs; they like to have a back-up woman in case their partner falls through.

He's probably also not contacted you because he's feeling awkward about propositioning a female colleague. He knows if you refuse him and if he still persists he could be in big trouble at work for sexual harassment. I suspect he'll hang back now and wait to see if you respond positively.

So now it's up to you. Do you want him or not? If you don't, then don't respond and keep it cool and businesslike from now on. Say nothing more about it. Don't go out with him to anything with just you and him. Make excuses and don't hang around after hours chatting any more. Or, you could tell him you are not interested in more than friends and then keep it just friends. If you still spend time alone with him, he may get the wrong idea again. If you do want him, well he's obviously making himself available, but is he available for a fling (with his mistress kept ignorant in the background) or is he available for a proper relationship with you? Even if you want him and he is available for a full relationship, bear in mind that he will have cheated on his wife and mistress before you. It doesn't bode well.

Last edited by spiderowl; 25th June 2011 at 7:53 PM..
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Old 26th June 2011, 12:35 AM   #4
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Why are you flatted by a guy who cheated on his wife and betrayed his WHOLE family unit? Now he is divorced, with his OW .. And has eyes for you?

DO you want to become the office watercooler gossip???

Quote:
I started working at this new company about a year ago. I enjoy working with my boss because he is friendly, very knowledgeable and easy to talk to. He seeks my advice on management of his company and we get along very well. He's 36, divorced with kids and has a mistress of 5 years (which caused the divorce). I'm in my 20s.
So, he's much older than you, divorced, has kids. What is it that you're looking for by wanting him? A relationship? To marry him and start a family with him? Or just an affair with sex?

If you want to want to ruin your reputation and career, go ahead and see what happens..Keep going down this pathway.. OR, get smart and end it, quit your job and find a better one with a boss that doesn't hit on you/flirt and cross the lines with you!
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Old 26th June 2011, 6:56 AM   #5
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First of all, it is one of the best company I've worked at so quitting my job really isn't an option at all.

I'm not too sure if I want him or not, he's got some serious issues and it's pretty obvious that a proven cheat is not to be trusted.
BUT is it not possible to be just friends, even if he's my boss? A man and a woman cannot be just friends?

No I didn't realise that my boss was interested in me as more than a friend. I honestly thought that he was acting kinda brotherly because he was always giving me advice and he's always telling me that I'm still young and have alot to learn etc.
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Old 28th June 2011, 7:44 AM   #6
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Word

I'm going to be honest: I've been here, done this and will never do it again. (Never been married though).

He's already managed to form a connection with you via conversation, texting, social times out and drinking. Sure, you might say that you're not interested in this man with regards to a sexual encounter, but older guys do have a certain charm about them to the younger ladies especially if he's attractive. 'Player' springs to mind, although he probably may not see it, following the same cycle of events (as mentioned above).

This 'MAN' needs to grow up and resolve his emotional issues and although I am jumping to conclusions as I don't know him, as a 36 year old male, I'd never, EVER start a relationship with a 20 year old lady (Not saying that it's wrong or right).

As for you, you might as well smash this on the head now and when you next speak, which you will as 'he' won't be able to resist (You're currently in the 'where has the attention gone...' stage), look him in the eye and state, "We will only ever be friends". With luck he'll be mature about it and move onto his next target.

Or... Do whatever you want to do as it's your life and you're both single (ish) and free to make your own decisions.


P.s. Never go out with your boss as you have to work there and.. 'He's the boss!'
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Old 28th June 2011, 10:30 AM   #7
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No you canít just be friends with your boss. The way things are going heís going to have you bent over the desk at work.
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Old 3rd July 2011, 6:01 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Excalibur1814 View Post
As for you, you might as well smash this on the head now and when you next speak, which you will as 'he' won't be able to resist (You're currently in the 'where has the attention gone...' stage), look him in the eye and state, "We will only ever be friends". With luck he'll be mature about it and move onto his next target.

P.s. Never go out with your boss as you have to work there and.. 'He's the boss!'
I will definitely try that.

For now things are not awkward at work, well I think it's because both of us pretended nothing ever happened when we're working. So far, he didn't talk about his feelings for me while at work (he only did/does that during lunch or after working hours), except last Friday when he text-ed me while at work in the morning, telling me that he couldn't sleep the night before because he was thinking of me. I didn't reply him of course. Wouldn't know how to reply him even if I had wanted to.
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