How to turn down persistant co-worker

[Country_Girl]

Hey guys,

 

I could really use some help as I am stressing about tomorrow. I started working at a new place 2.5 weeks ago, and there is this guy there that seems to be getting pushy lately and I just don't know how to turn him down. I don't want to hurt his feelings, as I think he's a very nice person (very happy and positive). I don't want to be mean, and I also don't want things to be awkward.

 

I started chit chatting with him when I started work there, as I talk to everyone, just lunch room chatter, life in general. He knew I was having some money trouble and the first red flag was he was offering to give me money. I said no. He knew I was looking for a new apartment, and he was offering me a place to stay so I could save money, once again, said I would take care of it, no need for the extra help but I appreciate the thought. Then he offered to give me a t.v., I said no.

 

Then the other day he overheard a co-worker asking where I was going to lunch, I told her I wasn't going out for lunch as I had to save my money. He was standing behind me and said he has a gift card to a restaurant and to let him know when I am taking lunch on friday and we can go together. I don't want to go to lunch with him, but I am afraid to turn him down, I need some kind of excuse.

 

A few days ago he gave me his phone number and said call him sometime. I never said I would, I just said thanks. The next day he said "you didn't call me last night", I said sorry I went to bed early. Later that same day he said "so are you going to call me tonight?" I said "well I don't know I'm going out for drinks with the women in my department" he said "oh okay". Then today it just felt weird as he was once again going out of his way to talk to me, he doesn't work in my department so I just kind of feel awkward when he comes over as it's out of place. I just don't like him like that, I don't know his age but I am guessing 12-15 years older than me.

 

I am starting to feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do. Despite his stalkerish behavior, he is a very nice genuine guy. I don't want to go to HR, as I know this guy had a rough past (drugs and alcohol but has been sober 10 years) and he is very thankful for this job. In this economy, I would not want to put anyone in jeopardy of their job or get management involved if I can take care of this by myself. I am just afraid of being mean.

 

My one friend says go to lunch and if he brings up dating or relationship talk just be honest and say I am not looking to date as I am healing from a breakup. My other friend says don't go to lunch, make up an excuse and hope he gets the hint.

 

You guys always have great advice, please help me out, I am so stressed about going to work tomorrow.

[dreamingoftigers]

Just say: I am just healing from a rough breakup where I contracted highly contagious herpes so I just have a hard time connecting to people right now.

 

Trust me, that should work wonders.

[Tayla]

Or you could be honest and straightup. Instead of thinking "Gee I dont want this or do that" Try thinking of what your goal is. Which in your case is to create a positive distance that maintains a regard for one another as co workers. So basically tell him your side without being awkward and trying to smoothe the ego. He is a big boy and as a sober person he can "accept the things he cannot change".

[somedude81]

How about, drum roll please......

 

The truth!

 

Tell him that his attention is making you uncomfortable and you would like some space.

 

Do not accept his invitation.

[MorningCoffee]

This guy will not back off unless you make it crystal clear that you are not interested. Just tell him you appreciate the offers, but you are just not interested. Maybe say you do not date anyone in the workplace, period, no exceptions. You just want a cordial, collegial working environment with no complications. Then do not ever entertain any personal conversations with this guy. Otherwise, IMO, the sitch will not get better.

[Country_Girl]

I'm such a pussy when it comes to this stuff, I just don't know how to be straight forward with new people. I think I have too much empathy at times. I just can't do it, I get real bad anxiety.

 

Also, he doesn't exactly flirt with me, he just talks to me a lot and follows me around. Part of me thinks maybe he is just that nice of a guy and he's not looking to date? He just moved here from an hour away and maybe he is just looking for a friend? Ugh, it's just so hard to read. I don't want to go to lunch just in case he thinks it's a date, but what if all he wanted to do was shoot the breeze?

 

I think I'll just say I have a lunch but if he wants to grab some food and meet up with my co-workers and myself in the lunch room he can. At that point if he asks again to go out some other time then I will have a more definitive answer on what he wants from me & will have to just deal with it and make up some excuse. The "I don't date coworkers" is a great excuse, however I am worried about using it as there is a coworker I am very attracted to at the moment & I would date him. I'd feel like an ass if I said that then turned around and started dating this other guy.

[somedude81]

Why do you think you need an excuse?

 

Lying will only make things worse.

[Country_Girl]

My co-worker ended up inviting herself to lunch with us, so it turned out okay. We all had a good time and he wasn't pushy or as persistent as he usually is, I didn't get "more than friend" vibes from him, so maybe he is just a really nice guy that wants company?

 

I'll have to see how this plays out next week, but i am feeling better about the situation and less awkward already. Thanks guys for your help.

[Eddie Edirol]

He is not looking for a friend. Youre not naive, you know this. Dont look for excuses to avoid turning him down. No guys "look" to hang out with you just to be friends. he is trying to friend his way into dating you.

 

You cant assume its a "date" because technically, hes not asking for a date, he is just asking you out to lunch or dinner. Theres probably a company policy against dating, and he could turn it around on you and say hes not asking for a date.

 

You have to say "No Thanks." and thats it, then walk away. You dont have to say why, but stop making up excuses. You have to be straight up with him to stop him from pursuing you. You cannot worry about his feelings, he has to learn that he will get rejected sometimes. Youre not helping him by stringing him along. (in his mind) youre actually amking it worse, because he will pursue you more.

 

Your indirect rejections dont work with persistent men, he has to hear "no" to go away. If you keep saying youre busy, hes an idiot and will only think he has a chance another time. Do you understand?

 

You cant make yourself feel empathy for him, you will just create youre own guilt, which is what youre really trying to avoid. This is not a situation where you create empathy, you have to turn him down so he can move on. if he doesnt move on, it will be your fault. So dont feel guilt, you have to separate yourself from this if you really want to help the guy. You also cant avoid turning him down just because you wouldnt like to hear the phrase "no thanks im not interested".

 

Of course most guys would get the hint, but at some point in your life, a guy wont get a hint. At that point, you have to put your big girl panties on, be an adult, and treat the guy like an adult. Youve strung him along this far, its time to cut the string.

 

Heres an honesty test question:

What do you think would really happen if you hurt his feelings and told him "no thanks, im not interested"?

Whats the worst that could happen with you, and whats the worst that could happen with him?

Really think about that.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[Country_Girl]

He is not looking for a friend. Youre not naive, you know this. Dont look for excuses to avoid turning him down. No guys "look" to hang out with you just to be friends. he is trying to friend his way into dating you.

 

You cant assume its a "date" because technically, hes not asking for a date, he is just asking you out to lunch or dinner. Theres probably a company policy against dating, and he could turn it around on you and say hes not asking for a date.

 

You have to say "No Thanks." and thats it, then walk away. You dont have to say why, but stop making up excuses. You have to be straight up with him to stop him from pursuing you. You cannot worry about his feelings, he has to learn that he will get rejected sometimes. Youre not helping him by stringing him along. (in his mind) youre actually amking it worse, because he will pursue you more.

 

Your indirect rejections dont work with persistent men, he has to hear "no" to go away. If you keep saying youre busy, hes an idiot and will only think he has a chance another time. Do you understand?

 

You cant make yourself feel empathy for him, you will just create youre own guilt, which is what youre really trying to avoid. This is not a situation where you create empathy, you have to turn him down so he can move on. if he doesnt move on, it will be your fault. So dont feel guilt, you have to separate yourself from this if you really want to help the guy. You also cant avoid turning him down just because you wouldnt like to hear the phrase "no thanks im not interested".

 

Of course most guys would get the hint, but at some point in your life, a guy wont get a hint. At that point, you have to put your big girl panties on, be an adult, and treat the guy like an adult. Youve strung him along this far, its time to cut the string.

 

Heres an honesty test question:

What do you think would really happen if you hurt his feelings and told him "no thanks, im not interested"?

Whats the worst that could happen with you, and whats the worst that could happen with him?

Really think about that.

 

I just don't understand why it has to be so complicated with male/female relations. I'm not trying to make excuses, the reason why I think he could be looking for friendship is because of the age barrier, I just don't understand why he would consider dating someone so much younger than him. We are clearly at different stages in our life.

 

There is no policy on dating co-workers, so long as you don't date your manager where I work, so I can't really throw that excuse. Sure, I could say on a personal level I don't date co-workers, but as I have stated there are co-workers I would consider dating so I don't want to close the door on that and look like an ass later.

 

I am not toying with this guys mind and stringing him along, I did not ask for this. I don't even pursue conversation with him, he goes out of his way to come talk to me. I don't really appreciate the tone of your message and telling me to put my big girl pants on and deal with this, as I am just trying to go to work- do my job. You make it seem like it's my fault he is pursuing me. Listen, I'm not one of those girls that flirts with guys, twirls my hair, and laugh at jokes that aren't funny to get attention.

 

If he asks me out again, I will flat out tell him no, but I do believe he may have got the hint as I brought someone with me to lunch. He did not ask me about calling him again, so hopefully he took the clue. But yes, I will be more direct next week if it starts going in that direction again.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Well, I just didn't want an awkward work environment for the both of us. I didn't want it to get to the point where we smile and say hi but it's all fake. As I stated, I suffer from anxiety so yeah, even a simple task like turning someone down makes my stress levels shoot through the roof. It's not a matter of maturity or putting on "big girl" pants, it's a matter of distress my mind/body goes through in situations like this- so a little respect for that would be helpful.

[Eddie Edirol]

What's the worst that can happen? Well, I just didn't want an awkward work environment for the both of us. I didn't want it to get to the point where we smile and say hi but it's all fake. As I stated, I suffer from anxiety so yeah, even a simple task like turning someone down makes my stress levels shoot through the roof. It's not a matter of maturity or putting on "big girl" pants, it's a matter of distress my mind/body goes through in situations like this- so a little respect for that would be helpful.

 

Things get complicated when you start the indirect rejection. You have to admit, if you had just told him "no" the first time, it would have been over long ago.

 

You dont have to explain your non attraction to him, it doesnt matter if he wants a relationship or not, the bottom line is this: You dont want to go out to eat with him. Thats it. Theres nothing wrong with that. he knows that, hes been turned down before.

 

I never said you were a "twirls your hair" flirt, youre imagining things. I have no doubt in my mind that you never even looked his way. But he set his sights on you. But this situation is your fault, because you let it get this far, for fear of awkwardness of all things. That is just as much indirect stringing as you indirectly telling him"no". Thats a pretty immature reason to avoid it. Awkwardness only lasts a little while, and it doesnt matter if he doesnt want to say hi at work to you anyway. If he cant handle rejection, its not your problem, dont make it your problem. Thats how you think like an adult.

 

I dont have to have respect for your "anxiety", I refuse to let you use that as an excuse for stringing this guy along. Plus its not my problem, its yours. See how that works? Im pretty sure that if you get enough practice telling people no, you wont have panic attacks from this. Your stress levels are a mental deal, triggered from thinking, and if you didnt think of this as such a big deal, you wouldnt get stressed. Its not a big deal. In fact, its a pretty tiny deal. He asks you out, you say no, you move on, you dont worry about him afterwards. Im pretty sure you learned how to manage other stressful situations at work because, you HAVE to or you'll get let go.

 

i dont understand why you think you have to fake smile at him either. You dont have to fake smile at anyone. Just say morning, you dont have to look at him, and move on.

 

I know you want to please everyone, by avoiding awkwardness and bieng all pleasant and smiley, but you cant. You can either own that, or continue to drag on awkward situations.

 

I know you dont like my tone, but thats the way I do, I dont sugar coat things. I can understand woman speak, but i cant actually speak it. Just know that im trying to tell you the truth you need to hear, Im not trying to bash you.

Edited April 16, 2011 by Eddie Edirol

[MorningCoffee]

I just don't understand why it has to be so complicated with male/female relations. I'm not trying to make excuses, the reason why I think he could be looking for friendship is because of the age barrier, I just don't understand why he would consider dating someone so much younger than him. We are clearly at different stages in our life.

There is no policy on dating co-workers, so long as you don't date your manager where I work, so I can't really throw that excuse. Sure, I could say on a personal level I don't date co-workers, but as I have stated there are co-workers I would consider dating so I don't want to close the door on that and look like an ass later.

 

I am not toying with this guys mind and stringing him along, I did not ask for this. I don't even pursue conversation with him, he goes out of his way to come talk to me. I don't really appreciate the tone of your message and telling me to put my big girl pants on and deal with this, as I am just trying to go to work- do my job. You make it seem like it's my fault he is pursuing me. Listen, I'm not one of those girls that flirts with guys, twirls my hair, and laugh at jokes that aren't funny to get attention.

 

If he asks me out again, I will flat out tell him no, but I do believe he may have got the hint as I brought someone with me to lunch. He did not ask me about calling him again, so hopefully he took the clue. But yes, I will be more direct next week if it starts going in that direction again.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Well, I just didn't want an awkward work environment for the both of us. I didn't want it to get to the point where we smile and say hi but it's all fake. As I stated, I suffer from anxiety so yeah, even a simple task like turning someone down makes my stress levels shoot through the roof. It's not a matter of maturity or putting on "big girl" pants, it's a matter of distress my mind/body goes through in situations like this- so a little respect for that would be helpful.

 

More male advice here:

 

Eddie E may be a bit more blunt than I was, but, CG, he is telling you true. It is the way it is -- the guy pursues, and the girl says yea or nay. Tell a persistent guy anything other than "No, thanks" and he hears "Well, maybe..." IOW, anything short of a clear and unmistakable "nay" is interpreted as something that may eventually lead to a "yea," so he'll keep trying.

 

Also, if he is adept at reading body language, he probably thinks your anxiety/stress levels go up because his attentions are calling forth a response in you, not that you are stressed out over how to be left alone by this guy, yet not reject him.

 

And as for the age difference, let me tell you, that might have been your easiest out at the very beginning. Why? Because he probably feared you would laugh in his face at his overtures because of the age difference, but you didn't. Thus, he is encouraged, and he will keep trying until you firmly and clearly reject his advances.

 

It may be unpleasant, CG, but I think you do need to find a way to overcome your anxiety and just flat out say no. Otherwise, he is not going to stop.

 

Best wishes to get this behind you so you can enjoy the job!

[Country_Girl]

Thanks for the responses guys, I do appreciate them, and I apologize for getting defensive yesterday as I was having an off day and took it as a personal attack on my character. What you guys say does make sense, I guess I didn't really think of it that way. I know for me, if I gave someone my number/asked them out and they never called I would take the hint, I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but I just know for me, I would get it- that maybe this person wasn't interested. But I see where you are coming from and how he could interpret that as a "maybe some day".

 

I will be more direct if he asks me out, outside of work again or asks me to call him. I don't want this to drag out. Hopefully it all works out and things don't have to be weird or awkward.