quietGuy13 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 My coworker is like a bully. Just cause i'm quiet he bosses me around as if he were the boss, he tells me what to do and how to do it even if I can accomplish the same doing it my own way. When i didn't do what he wanted the way he wanted me to do it, he told the boss ANd everything i do, he says it's wrong and stupid. basicaly, i talk to him alittle but mostly just about what we're doing in the job. but i'm not really wanting to be friends withhim. There's 60 years old etc that i'm happy to talk to, they're women and they're nice to me. but this guy is a bully and i'm not realy wanting to be friends. is it wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 No! Of course it's not wrong. Nobody needs to be friends with anyone they don't want to be friends with. Keeping cordial relations in the workplace does benefit everybody, though. If he is not your supervisor in any capacity, you are going to have to find the way to stand up to him. You can do it very firmly, quietly and with some strength. Just tell him, next time he butts in to your work, something like "thank you for your suggestion." As long as you doing your work your way has good results, there is no reason that this guy telling on you to the boss should negatively impact you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Sure, if the guy's a bully, he's creating a toxic work environment and management should be made aware of it. It's very likely he's not just bullying you. They build a case and out he goes. Very common with my business colleagues. The last thing they want is a toxic workplace lawsuit or have good employees leaving en masse. They want the bullies and manipulators/cheaters *out*. Disclaimer: I work in the blue collar world where men still do occasionally settle such things with their fists. YMMV. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 I work with a bully too, she is always very mean to me. What I try to do is just ignore her and do my job. It's sometimes hard, but I try to keep in mind that this is HER issue, not mine. Since I have been just ignoring her behavior and not feeding into it, she has stopped yelling and snapping at me. I would say go to your boss, but generally that doesn't work. Your boss probably already knows, but does not want to act on it (same with my boss). Hang in there, I know what it's like to work with someone who is difficult like that! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 To beat the bully, you need to bully the bully. Bullies assume that you won't fight back. Well, fight back. Toss away your nice side and show them your teeth. Think about how you're going to do it first, though. I love it when bullies f8ck with me, though, as I won't hesitate to put them in their place. Link to post Share on other sites
TwinkletOes26 Posted January 16, 2011 Share Posted January 16, 2011 keep a log and when you have a good solid case ...go have a formal meeting with your boss..if your boss doesnt do anything take it to their boss. If all else fails take the case to HR...if HR wont do anything,....then look into finding another job and filing a case .,....what he is doing is harassment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 18, 2011 Author Share Posted January 18, 2011 now he's threatening me because he's having a meeting with the boss and he said he's gonna tell him that i don't do the work like he does it. And that i will ahve to explain myself why i don't do it the way he does it. Man he's acting like a f***ing bully. and trying to scare me. IN fact we already had a meeting with the boss long time ago and the boss said that myway was totally ok. but he's kept nagging at me all this time Link to post Share on other sites
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 I've had to work in jobs with bullies. That really sucks. What has helped is getting a co-worker to become your friend. Then, if the bully starts in on you, the co-worker will suggest they'll beat the living hell out of them. Link to post Share on other sites
desertIslandCactus Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 My coworker is like a bully. Just cause i'm quiet he bosses me around as if he were the boss, he tells me what to do and how to do it even if I can accomplish the same doing it my own way. When i didn't do what he wanted the way he wanted me to do it, he told the boss ANd everything i do, he says it's wrong and stupid. basicaly, i talk to him alittle but mostly just about what we're doing in the job. but i'm not really wanting to be friends withhim. There's 60 years old etc that i'm happy to talk to, they're women and they're nice to me. but this guy is a bully and i'm not realy wanting to be friends. is it wrong? It would appear that you have your hands full in doing your job, keeping your job - amongst his threats, goading, bullying, withought giving into the 'beast' and wondering if you should befriend him, to get him off of you. As Laurie said, I would concentrate on doing your job - and try to ignore him. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 18, 2011 Share Posted January 18, 2011 (edited) now he's threatening me because he's having a meeting with the boss and he said he's gonna tell him that i don't do the work like he does it. And that i will ahve to explain myself why i don't do it the way he does it. Man he's acting like a f***ing bully. and trying to scare me. IN fact we already had a meeting with the boss long time ago and the boss said that myway was totally ok. but he's kept nagging at me all this time 1. Tell the boss straight up how you feel about things. Tell him (or HR) you're not going to just sit back and let it continue. 2. Tell the dude straight up to his face to f*ck off. Don't use that language within earshot of anyone else, but corner him and tell it to him. If he goes to someone else, deny it. Tell him you said 'Back off' and that he misheard you. I've learned that there's no getting around bullies. They seek to dominate others, and the only cure is to push them right back. They're not expecting it. They don't know how to act when someone gets in their face. The quiet approach won't work. Bullies seek out the quiet submissive types because they assume that they won't fight back. You don't see them going after people who are outgoing and give off vibes of self-confidence, do you? That's because the bullies know that they can't be owned. You gotta be one of those guys. Not loud or anything, but you gotta let him know that you're not going to be owned. Stand up for yourself, man...or it will continue. Edited January 18, 2011 by amerikajin Link to post Share on other sites
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 It would appear that you have your hands full in doing your job, keeping your job - amongst his threats, goading, bullying, withought giving into the 'beast' and wondering if you should befriend him, to get him off of you. As Laurie said, I would concentrate on doing your job - and try to ignore him. So you mean i should just continue accepting what he makes me do.(like giving me his work to do)? I guess i should just so that there's no fights or bad vibes. The job is ending soon anyways cause they gonna send me to another department. But if he still in the cmopany, he will talk badly about me and look me with disgust when he sees me around Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 So you mean i should just continue accepting what he makes me do.(like giving me his work to do)? I guess i should just so that there's no fights or bad vibes. The job is ending soon anyways cause they gonna send me to another department. But if he still in the cmopany, he will talk badly about me and look me with disgust when he sees me around Didn't know that part. If the job is ending soon, just stick it out then if you don't feel like confronting him, but if there's any possibility of seeing him again, I would just confront him. And in the future, I would confront anyone who bullies you. They're not going to respect you. They get off on the power. It's like when a man beats up his wife: they expect to be the dominant ones and insist on it. They look for weakness. You have to show them you're not weak. Link to post Share on other sites
Author quietGuy13 Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Amerikajin today i finaly told the boss and oh maaaan. my coworker got mad.. but he stopped telling me stuff. So i was able to work.but now it's tense. doesn't feel very good working with him. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 (edited) Amerikajin today i finaly told the boss and oh maaaan. my coworker got mad.. but he stopped telling me stuff. So i was able to work.but now it's tense. doesn't feel very good working with him. Of course he got mad. He's a bully and he's trying to intimidate you, which is what bullies do. Bullies act all tough on the outside, but it's rooted in fear. Bullies are scared, insecure, and angry all at the same time. They don't trust their peers or their superiors to recognize them and appreciate who they are, because deep down inside, even they don't really like who they are. They aren't comfortable living and letting people leave, and leaving the chips to fall where they may. They're obsessed with controlling, because they fear that if they don't control, if they're not aggressive, then bad things will happen to them. I can't tell you how or where it begins -- a good therapist might be able to tell you that. But that's the root of bullying. The key is to spot a bully up front and to just stand up for yourself. Going to your boss was good in that it at least makes the bully that someone else is aware of what's going on, but if it were me, I probably would have preferred to handle it mano a mano. For one thing, going to your boss doesn't convince the bully that this is over; moreover -- and this is important -- it doesn't convince the bully that you're strong. He still thinks you're weak, because you've gone to a third party to solve a problem between you two. It's much better if you deal with bullies head on and then make the boss aware of what happened after the fact. Keep it professional - or keep it *looking* professional on the surface, so that you don't get into trouble. But handle your business yourself. For example, I would have politely told the bully the first time that while I always appreciate input, I work better on my own, and that if I need his advice I will definitely ask for it. If the bullying continues, then you ditch the nice guy sh*t and spell things out in no uncertain terms. Edited January 20, 2011 by amerikajin Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Amerikajin today i finaly told the boss and oh maaaan. my coworker got mad.. but he stopped telling me stuff. So i was able to work.but now it's tense. doesn't feel very good working with him. Yes, I encountered this with the bully I work with. My supervisor talked to her after I had told her what was going on, and now she despises me. She is still nasty to me sometimes, I have learned to tell her in professional but firm manner, not to talk to me like that, that I don't appreciate it. She doesn't like when I stand up for myself, but I have noticed that she is less mean to me when I do. Be thankful you are moving to another department and will no longer have to deal with this drama! Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 Yes, I encountered this with the bully I work with. My supervisor talked to her after I had told her what was going on, and now she despises me. She is still nasty to me sometimes, I have learned to tell her in professional but firm manner, not to talk to me like that, that I don't appreciate it. She doesn't like when I stand up for myself, but I have noticed that she is less mean to me when I do. Be thankful you are moving to another department and will no longer have to deal with this drama! And that's your bottom line: when you stand up for yourself, the bully has to move on to another victim. At first they're pissed, because they had counted on you being the one they could take their frustrations out on. Instead, they have to find someone else, and unfortunately, they usually do. It's too bad, really...what these people really need is counseling or some sort. They need to learn that they don't need to abuse people to move up the ladder. In fact, it's much better in the long run if they don't. It's better to build an environment of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Goodness, no. You are entitled to choose your own friends. Friends who care about you and make you feel good about yourself. Your own, independent friends, not a bully you happen to work with. I'd recommend you take note of any bullying incidents, noting time, date and place and what happened. Keep this reference at home. Meanwhile, speak to him only about professional matters and in a pleasant way he could not construe as cold or challenging. Avoid spending anytime alone with him, if at all possible. I don't know how things will pan out for you in this job, but I'd recommend to look for another one. If this guy wants to be friends with you and yet is an unpleasant bully, then at some point he will realise you are not going to play this game with him and things could get even more difficult. This is why I'd suggest keeping records. Sorry to hear you are in such a difficult position. I will bet that you are not the only woman within his range who is experiencing this kind of behaviour. You might want to keep an eye out on the kind of interactions other women are having with him. I'd bet they are pretty formal and strained. Link to post Share on other sites
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