Things at work are worse than ever

[OceanGirl]

Confronting my boss has turned out to be a major mistake.

 

He has since been totally avoiding me. He hasn't replied to 5 of my work e-mails (sending him some stuff to look over, asking about when to take leave etc). We also haven't had a single meeting.

 

I have also heard that my team went on an outing and I wasn't invited.

 

He has been gossiping about me (he is huge gossip and can't hold back with talking s$it about people). I am 100% sure about this as this woman from another department came up to me and said "I can be your pressure release if you need to talk or feel stressed. You don't have to use your boss as a pressure release". I mean WTF. Why did this women say that at this particular time? She must have heard something and I sure didn't talk about this issue to anyone at work.

 

I am now convinced that he is biding his time before he fires me.

 

Going into holidays with this hanging over my head feels horrible. It's now 4am and I can't sleep.

 

I was naive to think that I can fight for some kind of fairness. Nothing in life is fair.

 

I recently bought a house and have a huge mortgage plus both of my parents are ill and me and my brother are supporting them.

 

Stupid, stupid me for not staying quiet.

Edited December 21, 2010 by OceanGirl

[paleblue]

what happened?

[desertIslandCactus]

Confronting my boss has turned out to be a major mistake.

 

He has since been totally avoiding me. He hasn't replied to 5 of my work e-mails (sending him some stuff to look over, asking about when to take leave etc). We also haven't had a single meeting.

 

I have also heard that my team went on an outing and I wasn't invited.

 

He has been gossiping about me (he is huge gossip and can't hold back with talking s$it about people). I am 100% sure about this as this woman from another department came up to me and said "I can be your pressure release if you need to talk or feel stressed. You don't have to use your boss as a pressure release". I mean WTF. Why did this women say that at this particular time? She must have heard something and I sure didn't talk about this issue to anyone at work.

 

I am now convinced that he is biding his time before he fires me.

 

Going into holidays with this hanging over my head feels horrible. It's now 4am and I can't sleep.

 

I was naive to think that I can fight for some kind of fairness. Nothing in life is fair.

 

I recently bought a house and have a huge mortgage plus both of my parents are ill and me and my brother are supporting them.

 

Stupid, stupid me for not staying quiet.

 

It's not too late. Stay quiet and don't give them reason to fire you. Just diligently do your job.

[OceanGirl]

It's not too late. Stay quiet and don't give them reason to fire you. Just diligently do your job.

 

 

I hope that you are right. Hopefully if I keep a low profile now, things will die down a bit over the holidays.

 

My plan is to bring my laptop with me to my family's house over the Christmas/New Years break and do some extra work just in case.

[desertIslandCactus]

I hope that you are right. Hopefully if I keep a low profile now, things will die down a bit over the holidays.

 

My plan is to bring my laptop with me to my family's house over the Christmas/New Years break and do some extra work just in case.

 

... perfect ..

[Template]

So a couple of helpful hints.

 

1. Keep your head down. Do you job, and do it well. Knock your projects out of the park. If you need your boss's advice and/or input, make sure you don't hesitate.

2. Cover Your Ass (CYA). Make sure you document EVERYTHING. Keep a record of ALL your e-mails.

 

The unfortunate part is that not everyone is a good leader, despite what their titles say. I"m not sure what you said to your boss, however, if she is the type of person that uses emotion to make business decisions, I know she is piss poor. In that case, an employee has to take every precaution to protect themselves. And here's the absolute kicker. HR is NOT there to protect the rights of employees, but rather to protect the company from employees.

 

Hope this helps.

[OceanGirl]

Yep, he makes his decisions based on emotions.

 

If he likes you - he will respond to your e-mails ASAP etc etc

 

It is highly unprofessional to ignore work related e-mails that are fairly urgent for over a week.

 

It is even more unprofessional to gossip around the office about confidential matters.

 

He is a piss poor leader and I have only realized that now that I am on the other side of the coin (not liked).

[desertIslandCactus]

Yep, he makes his decisions based on emotions.

 

If he likes you - he will respond to your e-mails ASAP etc etc

 

It is highly unprofessional to ignore work related e-mails that are fairly urgent for over a week.

 

It is even more unprofessional to gossip around the office about confidential matters.

 

He is a piss poor leader and I have only realized that now that I am on the other side of the coin (not liked).

 

He may be trying to discourage you and to force you out. Know the game, and don't give into it.

[OceanGirl]

He may be trying to discourage you and to force you out. Know the game, and don't give into it.

 

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Maybe he is hoping that I will get fed up and quit. I won't. But if it continues into the new year, I will need to knock on his office door and have another conversation.

[OceanGirl]

Ah not sure what to do. I really can't do my job. I have now sent him 6 work related e-mails over the span of 2 weeks that he didn't respond to at all. Not even to indicate that he is busy and respond later.

 

I am worried that he is plotting how to fire me. Obviously, he knows that we can't work like this. So there is only one conclusion - he is not putting any more effort into our project because I will be soon gone.

 

My friend thinks that I should formally report him to someone before I get fired. She says that it will carry more weight that way.

 

 

I am again awake in the middle of the night. I can't eat or sleep properly. This situation is really stressing me out badly.

Edited December 22, 2010 by OceanGirl

[Mme. Chaucer]

OG, I know you hate it when I make suggestions, and you may be able to predict what I am going to say. I'll say it anyway, because it could help you, if you'll hear it.

 

Own YOUR part of this mess. From your recent binge of threads about your work (war with boss, considering taping co-workers, hating on your female co-worker, sudden claims of sexual harassment) it's clear that you are mired in negativity at your job. Your fellow employees are certainly feeling this. This is not a good quality for any employee at any job.

 

From my perspective, and I readily admit that I could be wrong, it looks like you are bringing a lot of trouble upon yourself.

 

At the core of all your complaints, it seems that you are starving for attention at your job; also that you are compelled to stir up drama there.

 

You have said many times that you "need supervision" but I don't think that's it. I think you want validation and attention - a LOT of it. You continually go back to how your boss used to pay attention to you when you were pursuing him, and now he's stopped. Well, this is the new normal. And, it's up to YOU to behave professionally.

 

It's been very clear from all your posts regarding your job that YOU don't take any responsibility for maintaining professional boundaries at work. All the emotional bingeing does not belong in the workplace.

 

If you have specific questions and issues with what you're working on, of course your supervisor needs to be there to help you with them. From what you post, however, I am not getting that impression. It sounds like you are simply mad that he is not paying enough attention to you.

 

Anyway, if you want to work there, YOU are going to have to adjust your attitude. If you are truly unhappy there, then it's time to start moving towards a new place of employment. Please DON'T ruin your reputation in your field and your chances for a good reference by creating negative drama and going out with a messy explosion. Regardless of your choice, please buckle down to your work, and do a wonderful job of whatever you're up to right now regardless of your gripes. Do work that you feel proud of.

 

You've posted several times that you are afraid you will be fired. I know that's an awful feeling and that you particularly cannot abide any kind of rejection. If you can step away from the fear of rejection, and just be honest with yourself, you need to look at this question: Do you WANT to keep working there? If you do, then you will have to find a way to work successfully within the culture / environment. If you don't, then you owe it to yourself to look for a better situation for yourself WITHOUT decimating your reputation in the process.

[desertIslandCactus]

Be sure to document your emails, and other communication regarding the project: dates times subject etc etc. and his lack of response.

 

Does it have to be done by email. Can you ask him in person, or is he not in your immediate area.

 

If there is a way at all of continuing the 'project' without his input, then try to do so. Also Keep your workups. Are there any other co-workers on the project, who can give you feedback on it?

 

I hate to jump to conclusions, but from what you've said - he may be trying to keep you out to show you haven't had input.

 

If you were to loose your job, you could go to the top - or even pursue a lawsuit - so please, document and keep everything, incl your work or copies of.

[Star Gazer]

At the core of all your complaints, it seems that you are starving for attention at your job; also that you are compelled to stir up drama there.

 

I think you want validation and attention - a LOT of it. You continually go back to how your boss used to pay attention to you when you were pursuing him, and now he's stopped. Well, this is the new normal. And, it's up to YOU to behave professionally.

 

It's been very clear from all your posts regarding your job that YOU don't take any responsibility for maintaining professional boundaries at work. All the emotional bingeing does not belong in the workplace.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

OG, as usual, you apply standards to him that you're unwilling to meet yourself. You expect him to act professionally by giving you as much attention as he did when you were smitten with him, and yet you're emotionally lashing out at him.

 

If you have someone saying that you don't need to use your boss as your "emotional release," it's clear that YOU are being unprofessional towards him.

[OceanGirl]

Maybe in the past I wanted his attention and validation.

 

It has now gone way past that. He literally doesn't respond to work e-mails knowing that I can't move the project further without his response.

 

It has become a practical problem and I am at loss of what to do. I am now not trying to stir drama. I am not trying to get his emotional attention.

 

I can't do my job this way. I was planning to go ahead without any of his input - even if I go down the wrong track. I was planning to work all through the Christmas and New Years. I guess I just worry what if I do that and end up fired anyway? What if I do that and I completely on the wrong track?

 

He is working at a different location so I can't see him in person currently.

 

1. Should I try to call him tomorrow despite the fact that he ignored 6 of my e-mails? I hate to hassle people like this.

 

2. Should I just work over Christmas and New Years (unpaid), forgoing time spent with my very ill dad even though I am shooting in the dark so to speak?

 

3. Should I make a formal complaint against him?

[Taramere]

I am now convinced that he is biding his time before he fires me.

 

Going into holidays with this hanging over my head feels horrible. It's now 4am and I can't sleep.

 

I was naive to think that I can fight for some kind of fairness. Nothing in life is fair.

 

I recently bought a house and have a huge mortgage plus both of my parents are ill and me and my brother are supporting them.

 

Stupid, stupid me for not staying quiet.

 

OG, I wasn't aware you had all these problems (overstretched with a mortgage, ill parents who you're supporting) to contend with. My heart really goes out to you, and I wonder if some of the fantasising over your boss has been a bit of an escape from some of these realities for you.

 

The impression I've had, when you've spoken about work, is that you're not working for an inhuman bunch here. That it's an environment where even if people are frustrated by some of your recent behaviour, they're probably also sympathetic. You mention that a colleague has offered her own shoulder so that you don't use your boss to offload to. It's unfortunate if your boss has been gossiping about your personal stuff, but I'd guess that perhaps he's felt a bit overwhelmed by it too.

 

The offer this other colleague made was very probably in good faith if she's aware of your personal circumstances (supporting sick parents). I think at this point, realistically you are in difficulties at work and potentially you could lose your job if you don't start pulling things together. If I were you, I'd be straight and honest. Take responsibility, but also let them know some of the pressures you've been under. "I have had these difficulties in my personal life, I haven't coped too well but I've re-evaluated a lot of things recently. I'm going to get the help I need to manage my personal circumstances so that they don't interfere with my performance at work and I want to assure the company that I'm 100% committed to doing a good job."

 

I do believe this is foreign territory for you, in that you would usually deal with difficulties by retreating into fantasy where you're the helpless heroine waiting for a rescuer. Nobody's going to rush along on a white charger and save you from all this, but I feel very confident from what you've said about people in your workplace that they probably do care more than you give them credit for caring...and would probably be willing to be a bit flexible in accommodating you while you get back to full speed. If there are other people who can act in a supervisory role towards you for the time being, then that will take some of the heat away from your boss. I think you are going to need your employers' flexibility for the next little while, and that you should demonstrate goodwill by offering some flexibility yourself.

Edited December 22, 2010 by Taramere

[Lauriebell82]

He is working at a different location so I can't see him in person currently.

 

1. Should I try to call him tomorrow despite the fact that he ignored 6 of my e-mails? I hate to hassle people like this.

 

2. Should I just work over Christmas and New Years (unpaid), forgoing time spent with my very ill dad even though I am shooting in the dark so to speak?

 

3. Should I make a formal complaint against him?

 

I don't think you should do ANY of these. If they want to get you out of there they will, no matter WHAT you do to improve/change/prevent it. I was let go unjustly and it was a horrible experience. In your case though, I do think that some of it you need to take responsibility for and try to be straightforward and honest as Taramere suggested. Do your best to try to hold things together and just do your job, plain and simple. If they STILL want you out of there, unfortunately they will do that.

[Ariadne]

Ah not sure what to do. I really can't do my job.

 

Yikes! Can you get another supervisor over there? I think he just doesn't want to do this project with you as things got tense.

 

2. Should I just work over Christmas and New Years (unpaid), forgoing time spent with my very ill dad even though I am shooting in the dark so to speak?

 

Noooooo......

 

You are going to "move", spend "Christmas", care for your father, "and" work?

 

Omg, no wonder you are stressed poor thing. Sorry about your dad.

 

Hopefully the boss will get happy spending the holidays with the family all will be more relaxed coming back.

[OceanGirl]

Boss has now gone on holidays without responding to any of my e-mails

 

I am on the verge of sending him "If you still want to work together, you will have to respond to my e-mails sometime" - this is probably a bad idea...

 

 

I was really hoping to work this out and put my mind at ease before the holidays but it's not to be

 

I finally confided in my mum about this and she advised me to just quit. She says the way he is treating me beyond terrible and to just relax over holidays, forget about work and hand in my notice when I am back. Then find a place where I will be happier and more appreciated.

 

As it stands now, I am probably going to quit. My brother will help with the money (he runs a very successful business) until I am back on my feet. I know that is what my boss wants me to do anyway, and for a while I entertained fantasies of revenge and suing but realistically - the sooner I am out and the sooner I forget about this the better.

[desertIslandCactus]

Boss has now gone on holidays without responding to any of my e-mails

 

I am on the verge of sending him "If you still want to work together, you will have to respond to my e-mails sometime" - this is probably a bad idea...

 

 

I was really hoping to work this out and put my mind at ease before the holidays but it's not to be

 

I finally confided in my mum about this and she advised me to just quit. She says the way he is treating me beyond terrible and to just relax over holidays, forget about work and hand in my notice when I am back. Then find a place where I will be happier and more appreciated.

 

As it stands now, I am probably going to quit. My brother will help with the money (he runs a very successful business) until I am back on my feet. I know that is what my boss wants me to do anyway, and for a while I entertained fantasies of revenge and suing but realistically - the sooner I am out and the sooner I forget about this the better.

 

No. I wouldn't just quit. BUT with your family behind you everywhich way incl financially, this should give you more confidence.

 

Could you send your boss a message stating that you cannot go further with the project without input from your him .. In the message outline the times you have attempted and no with no success - to contact him. This should be excellent for documentation. Send by email, and even Fedex with the confirmation of the receipt/signature. Then, when you are ready, forward the copy to his superior.

 

You could be looking for the other position while on this job. It could take some time to find another job, and your brother may not wish to lend money for the entire duration.

[johan]

What a mess. Next time around try to be less emotional. Whether you have a crappy boss or not, you'll only be a survivor if you cut out the drama.

[OceanGirl]

What a mess. Next time around try to be less emotional. Whether you have a crappy boss or not, you'll only be a survivor if you cut out the drama.

 

I agree... I think this is now such a mess that it can't be untangled.

 

Do you think that my best bet is to just quit at this point?

[johan]

I agree... I think this is now such a mess that it can't be untangled.

 

Do you think that my best bet is to just quit at this point?

 

I don't know what the best thing to do is. But quitting and going somewhere else for a fresh start isn't a bad option. As long as you don't repeat this behavior at the new job.

[Star Gazer]

OG, regardless of whether it can be untangled, you're not happy there and probably never will be after all you've experienced. It'll stay with you.

 

I recommend continuing to work to earn your keep, but start looking for a new job.

[OceanGirl]

OG, regardless of whether it can be untangled, you're not happy there and probably never will be after all you've experienced. It'll stay with you.

 

I recommend continuing to work to earn your keep, but start looking for a new job.

 

That would be the smartest thing to do. I am just not sure if I can bear even going back to that place again

 

With being treated this way, I feel no motivation to even work on improving my performance.

[Star Gazer]

With being treated this way, I feel no motivation to even work on improving my performance.

 

You don't have to. Just go, do enough to get by, and spend the rest of your time at work looking for other jobs.

 

BTW... They may monitor your internet usage. Do you post on LS from work?? I really do believe that's in part what got LB in trouble. She vented about her boss here.

 

In any event, if they are considering letting you go and they see you looking for a new job, believe it or not, you may buy yourself some time, as they may actually be less inclined to fire you because they'll believe you'll leave voluntarily - they won't have to force you out. But you'll have to actually leave...