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How do I repair a work relationship?


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Mulling-It-Over

This is my first time posting - if some of my friends knew I was writing, they'd fall over in shock. I always look like I have life together but I'm so confused right now and am not comfortable discussing this with anyone I know.

 

So I thought I'd take a chance that I'm not completely alone or insane in my situation...

 

I have recently been moved to a new office location and share space with a male coworker my age - 31. I knew him a little bit before I "moved in" and we had a cordial working relationship. He would hug me on my way in in the morning, and when he left at night. On a couple of days when I was in pain from an earlier accident, he would express concern over how I was feeling. I felt that we had a fairly good and professional rapport.

 

He is divorcing his wife and understandably going through a hard time and although I know of the situation, he has not stepped over any professional lines and told me much about his personal life - I don't know what he does for hobbies, if he has children, etc. However, he is very comfortable talking to me about work things and his feelings around them.

 

I am happily married but not naive, and I know that I still find men attractive - I'm not dead! At any rate, my coworker is extremely attractive to me, in part because of his looks but also because of his sweet personality. I have found myself thinking of him more and more, going into the office earlier and staying later just to have time with him. I thought we were harmlessly flirting - he would touch my arm or my back when talking to me, wink at me across the room at meetings, and tease me about some of my work worries.

 

Everything was great and, I think, low-key until I teased him the other day, saying "Man, if I was single...."... and BOOM! everything changed. He avoids me, is aloof and removed and finds excuses to leave the office more and more. I can't help but feel that if he could call me "Beautiful" when asking how I'm feeling, that his behavior is odd given the light nature of my remark.

 

I don't know if I should sit him down and tell him that I did not intend to piss him off, scare him or even start something - or if I should let sleeping dogs lie. If I'm misreading the situation (I do feel guilty about finding him cute!), then sitting him down will tip him off to the fact that in my imagination, our relationship has progressed past the reality of where it actually is. If I haven't misread the situation, then everything is uncomfortable and I'm almost at the point of tears around him.

 

I'm uncomfortable around him now, I analyze every look, word and frown and most of all, I MISS HIM. I thought we might have a good chance to be friends and now I've gone and spolied everything.

 

Is there any way I can repair the damage and turn the situation around so that we can be friends? Attractiveness aside, I would like to count him among people I could just hang with.

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Let it alone. He did you a favor. What you said and his reaction was meant to happen. This whole thing was leading to a place where it should never go. You are happily married and you need to stay that way. He is going through a divorce and, for some reason, you pushed one of his buttons. My own personal guess is that he is getting a divorce because his wife caught him with another woman, which would explain his overreaction to your remark.

 

Just treat him as usual and, in time, things should get back to normal. But don't give him any more attention that you normally do. And don't even think about being his friend...you're lying to yourself. You were wanting to be more than just friends to him and he doesn't need that right now. Whatever his reason for backing off, just let it be and give him some space. When he sees that you're cool about everything, he'll come back around. Meanwhile, start doing a better job for the people you work for and pay less attention to the men who work around you.

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Mulling-It-Over

Point well taken. I'd like to think I'm still doing a good job - it's just all new to me. And I have to admit that product ordering lacks a certain pizazz when he's around.

 

 

And yes, ok - I was lying to myself. I kept thinking I could draw a line in the sand if it ever went farther.

 

Why though, after 8 years of honest, happy marriage, comfort and a wonderful husband, is it so enticing? I never thought of myself as someone who would fall into the trap of needing someone "new and exciting" to find me beautiful....

 

Midlife crisis? Yuck. How cliche.

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"Why though, after 8 years of honest, happy marriage, comfort and a wonderful husband, is it so enticing?"

 

It's not unusual at all for one or both members of a partnership to get used to each other, perhaps a bit bored, with a very predicatable day to day existance. When couples who've been married this long don't have kids to distract them, they get very used to each other, the newness of the relationship being very distant. It's pretty easy to become smitten with something different, or better yet, forbidden. However, if you plan to cheat, get a divorce. Marriage requires committment and if you don't want to keep that, get out of it. Betrayal is usually fatal to a marriage. The spouse almost always finds out and becomes crushed by it and the trust is destroyed.

 

If you need something new and exciting in your life, get a dog. Also, if both you and your husband go to a counsellor you may be able to inject some new life into your relationship.

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Mulling-It-Over

Tony - I've browsed around and read some of your other replies.

 

You totally get it. When I found myself agreeing with you on some other posts, I went back and re-read my original posting.

 

I've been a fool.

 

Thanks for bluntly turning it around for me.

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Don't be too hard on yourself Mulling- I agree w/ Tony, but it appears he initiated this informal contact by hugging you before any real talk of your personal lives (i.e. a friendship). It is highly suggestive and inappropriate for a man to be dispensing hugs to a new employee. My guess he was flirting for the fun of it- some men get their jollies by having women swoon over them- your wish i were single comment might have thrown him into the light a boundary was being crossed or , as Tony surmised, he may have had a history of a woman/women on the side.

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From personal reasons, it is hard to repair a working relationship and make things seem the same.

In my office, another co-worker and I got really personal and we did cross that line, and we are both in relationships. We both were in a vulnerable time in our lives, which is not justified by what we did.

It just seems awkward, that we have to work together and in the same office almost next door to each other.

At times I can not even concentrate on work anymore.

I was the one that decided to quit the hanky panky only because the co-worker is in a great relationship and I don't want to be the one that wrecks that. Sure we have a great bond and chemistry together, but what I really want from him is our friendship. He has agreed to be there for me as a friend and that is pretty much what I want, until I can figure out what I REALLY WANT.

 

The best thing is to talk it out, together, us co-workers went out to dinner and talked about what we did and what we are not going to do anymore, and we laid out some guidelines.

 

We both are in jobs that pay very well with great benefits and we are not going to jeopardize that.

Fun is fun but we both had to do a REALITY check.

 

Basically I think that he felt sorry for me, and just wanted to show me that someone can care for me, such as the way he did. And I am grateful to him for that, altleast someone knows that I am alive, but it is hard now at work, as we work so closely.

 

But I am the one that has to get thru it in the end. I am a better person for calling it quits.

I just feel awful for falling in love with him. I did not plan on it, it just happened.

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HokeyReligions

I pretty much agree with what Tony said (I ususally do agree with him!) The only thing I can say is that its up to you to decide if you should talk to your co-worker so that you can plainly state your working guidelines and put the past confusions behind you. You don't have to admit that you had any secret fantasies about him, just tell him that you know he is going thru a rough patch and that you want to be on friendly terms for him so that you can both do your jobs well and without confusing emotions or fears getting in the way of that. Sometimes in any relationship, personal or professional, closure is needed to an event or an entire relationship, so that both parties can move on from there.

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Mulling-It-Over

Having never been on a forum - it's been a good experience so far!

 

Thanks for your insights.. I'm trying to look at it from a perspective of - "ok, almost screwed up, back the truck up and start again".

 

I know that I've come out the other end of this stronger (and hopefully a better wife)... I told my husband the whole story this weekend and he ended up kind of laughing at me - good laughing, not mocking. He knew that something was bugging me at work and figured it had something to do with my office mate (he knew that it was a man). My husband knows that I care about people and need to learn some borders around it. He just told me that my heart belongs to him and I need to ask him before I give it away. What a good guy - can you believe I almost jeopardized that???????

 

I'm thinking at this point that I *DO* need to say something to my workmate, if only to alleviate MY anxiety. He called in sick to work today which is probably legit, but I gave myself a headache worrying that it is because he hates me. I think the only way to tackle those kind of stupid thoughts is to meet them head on.

 

And SO WHAT if it doesn't go well - at least I'll have regained some power and can move on.

 

Right?

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Mulling-It-Over

Well, even though he called in sick on Monday, when he finally came in this morning I learned that he had not in fact been sick.

 

He had, in fact, eloped.

 

Here endeth the lesson.

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