what do I tell her about her boyfriend

[Best of Friends]

My friend at work is great and I like her very much. We are very different, but it works. She is 22 and in love with this guy that is treating her poorly. He is not very attentive to her, and treats her like a prop. They both are very religious and adhere to the protocol of their faiths. But here's the thing. I met him and I think he is gay. Should I tell her? She has ALOT of family input, more than she can handle. After a few months of dating the "gay" boyfriend has made himself very chummy with her parents and siblings and is spending independant time with all of them. He is involved with the church and activities with her. Sometimes he spends more time with his charity work than with my friend. I just do not know what to do. I am afraid of intrfering and being wrong. I know men who are gay and are married, and the whole thing is gross. I just will be heart-broken if she end up ten years from now like one of those women married to a guy like that. I especially do not want to interfer unwanted, and then end up taking the blame and destroying our friendship. And then again what king of friend would I be? I do not know her parents or sibs to get their input. What should I do?

[Trimmer]

Is he "treating her poorly" in her opinion, or in your opinion?

 

What is your evidence that he's gay? How is it that you think you can recognize this, and she and her whole family cannot?

 

Would you like the opportunity to be with her, if she broke up with him?

[Best of Friends]

She is 30 years my junior, NOT INTERESTED in young adults. Strictly platonic. I think that he is under the radar, but I have a good nose for such things

[Trimmer]

So does she think he's treating her poorly? What does she say about this?

[Mary3]

My friend at work is great and I like her very much. We are very different, but it works. She is 22 and in love with this guy that is treating her poorly. He is not very attentive to her, and treats her like a prop. They both are very religious and adhere to the protocol of their faiths. But here's the thing. I met him and I think he is gay. Should I tell her? She has ALOT of family input, more than she can handle. After a few months of dating the "gay" boyfriend has made himself very chummy with her parents and siblings and is spending independant time with all of them. He is involved with the church and activities with her. Sometimes he spends more time with his charity work than with my friend. I just do not know what to do. I am afraid of intrfering and being wrong. I know men who are gay and are married, and the whole thing is gross. I just will be heart-broken if she end up ten years from now like one of those women married to a guy like that. I especially do not want to interfer unwanted, and then end up taking the blame and destroying our friendship. And then again what king of friend would I be? I do not know her parents or sibs to get their input. What should I do?

 

Is the girl spending less time with you now that she has this boyfriend ?

 

Gay or not gay , I think she can figure that out eventually.

 

Unless you saw him at a Gay Bar kissing a man , then you don't have as much proof.

 

But even if you did and naughty pictures too , its still up to her to decide what his intentions are....

[Best of Friends]

We work 8hrs a day so that time does not change. So it's not that there is a jealousy issue. It's platonic...PERIOD. We are friends at work, but there is no relationship outside of work.

I just think she deserves better.

Gay guys are born gay. Many are in blind denial because of the horrible repercussions, but eventually there true nature surfaces later in life. It's just not spoken. I don't think the guy is actively acting out his sexuality, but the risk is he may in the future.

She complains about his lack of romantic/affectionate display for her, and that's part of my reasoning and concern. Besides he acts very effeminately. Do you still think I should stay out of it.

[MissMayhem]

We work 8hrs a day so that time does not change. So it's not that there is a jealousy issue. It's platonic...PERIOD. We are friends at work, but there is no relationship outside of work.

I just think she deserves better.

Gay guys are born gay. Many are in blind denial because of the horrible repercussions, but eventually there true nature surfaces later in life. It's just not spoken. I don't think the guy is actively acting out his sexuality, but the risk is he may in the future.

She complains about his lack of romantic/affectionate display for her, and that's part of my reasoning and concern. Besides he acts very effeminately. Do you still think I should stay out of it.

 

YES, you should stay out of it! This girl who is young enough to be your daughter (who is NOT your daughter!) deserves to live her life and make her own mistakes. I also find it strange that you're so interested in this young ladies life. She has a family and you are merely a co-worker. My advice would be to butt out or someone will start thinking it creepy that a 52 yr old (man??) is so interested in her life. ?????!!! It's NONE of your business!

 

You have NO proof that this guy is gay and to make accusations about so serious a matter is totally irresponsible and you're old enough to already know this. If they are active in their church and community, as I suspect they are from your first post, gossipy speculation on your part could be very damaging to this young man's life and you should keep your mouth shut about what you think you have a good "nose" for.

 

People have been "misjudging" others since the beginning of time because they THINK they know something that they don't. You should tread very carefully here. Let these young people live their own life........

 

One more thing ....... if anyone is gay, that is their business and it's between them and God or whatever higher power they believe in. NOT your business.....

[Green]

If some one at work told me my love interest was probably born gay and they just know I would really want to punch them in the face.

 

Yeah stay out of it you really need to keep your working relationships professional. If her entire family met the guy let them tell her. Seriously even if this guy is some how gay and she can't see it what is she going to do with the next bf run it by you to see if you approve because she and her entire family are incapable of looking out for themselves?

 

You just come off as a very arogaunt person. good luck with that

[Mary3]

YES, you should stay out of it! This girl who is young enough to be your daughter (who is NOT your daughter!) deserves to live her life and make her own mistakes. I also find it strange that you're so interested in this young ladies life. She has a family and you are merely a co-worker. My advice would be to butt out or someone will start thinking it creepy that a 52 yr old (man??) is so interested in her life. ?????!!! It's NONE of your business!

 

You have NO proof that this guy is gay and to make accusations about so serious a matter is totally irresponsible and you're old enough to already know this. If they are active in their church and community, as I suspect they are from your first post, gossipy speculation on your part could be very damaging to this young man's life and you should keep your mouth shut about what you think you have a good "nose" for.

 

People have been "misjudging" others since the beginning of time because they THINK they know something that they don't. You should tread very carefully here. Let these young people live their own life........

 

One more thing ....... if anyone is gay, that is their business and it's between them and God or whatever higher power they believe in. NOT your business.....

 

Beautifully Spoken !

[Best of Friends]

First I am not too old to be a friend. That is horrible to think that because I am a man that's older, I am some kinda lecherous perv. with ulterior motives. That's just a rude assumption, and I take offense.

 

Second, she sees problems in their relationship that she can not understand, so she is asking me to help her understand it. But I am holding back my opinions because of the sensitive nature of the situation. You know there are millions of marriages (according to MSNBC) that end up with one spouse being gay, and it seems so unnecessary if you can talk about it.

 

I am surprised that at everyone's response. Have I touched upon o hot button? Has anyone out there been involved with a gay spouse?

[Mary3]

First I am not too old to be a friend. That is horrible to think that because I am a man that's older, I am some kinda lecherous perv. with ulterior motives. That's just a rude assumption, and I take offense.

 

Second, she sees problems in their relationship that she can not understand, so she is asking me to help her understand it. But I am holding back my opinions because of the sensitive nature of the situation. You know there are millions of marriages (according to MSNBC) that end up with one spouse being gay, and it seems so unnecessary if you can talk about it.

 

I am surprised that at everyone's response. Have I touched upon o hot button? Has anyone out there been involved with a gay spouse?

 

No, you haven't touched my hot O gay button.

 

I have no problem with gays . I could tell you more titilating stuff but I won't...

 

I think its just that you are consumed with this.

 

How about my friend seems interested in this other man NOT : My friend is interested in a gay man.

 

Seriously why is the gay part important ? Maybe she likes him slightly gay ?

 

Something going on you are not sharing ?

[Trimmer]

First I am not too old to be a friend. That is horrible to think that because I am a man that's older, I am some kinda lecherous perv. with ulterior motives. That's just a rude assumption, and I take offense.

First of all, that sounded pretty defensive, which makes me wonder anyway. Look, it's a natural assumption: guy is wondering if he should "interfere" with a nubile, young "friend's" relationship by talking down her partner. First questions that come to my mind are: What are his motivations? What might he (expect to) gain from their breakup? C'mon, man, you can't NOT ask those questions.

 

If you know, in your heart, that it's nothing, then say so and let's all move on. But the way you reacted, it sounded like someone touched a nerve in you, so I found that to be an interesting response...

 

Second, she sees problems in their relationship that she can not understand, so she is asking me to help her understand it.

Ah, now that's a pretty critical piece of information that wasn't at all possible to infer from your previous posts. That's why I kept asking: what's her position in all of this? Is him "not treating her right" just your opinion, or hers?

 

See, your whole demeanor came off as if she was an unaware innocent, and you didn't want to shove something in her face, but now we understand that she is aware of, but not understanding her problem, and she is asking you to help her understand it, that's a very different situation than this sounded at the start:

I especially do not want to interfer unwanted, and then end up taking the blame and destroying our friendship.

 

If she specifically asked you for advice, then why would you think that responding with your opinion is "interfering unwanted?"

 

If you're so confident you are right, or that at least you have a thought-provoking commentary, and she asked you why you think she is having problems, how can you NOT give her an answer from your heart? You're holding back what you believe to be an honest answer that you think may help her understand her relationship, because you want to protect YOUR relationship with her? Seems like if you really cared about her as a "friend," and had the courage of your convictions, wouldn't you put her well-being first, over YOUR relationship with her?

 

I don't know if I'm just too tired to reason this out right now, but if (a) she acknowledges that she's having problems, (b) asks you for your opinion, and © you have an honest opinion, at least in your mind, then isn't it actually SELFISH of you to keep that to yourself, to preserve your standing with her, when you believe that your opinion and perspective would benefit her in the long run?

Edited September 8, 2010 by Trimmer

[Best of Friends]

Trimmer,

You are sooooooo right. I think you hit the nail on the head. I am definitely afraid of the repercussions. I try to give her the best advice as possible that I can when she asks me. She is very intelligent and special. I have never met someone so perfect in my life. If I were not gay, and she were 30 years older I definitely would marry her. But that's never going to happen.

 

There is something that I should divulge right now that I did not consider important. I am her boss and owner of a small practice, and she is probably the most valuable employee in the office. She has been with the practice now five years, and is too valuable to take a chance. I am afraid it might explode in my face, and I loose someone that I depend on very much.

 

Sometimes I feel I can talk about the situation with her when she is ready to dump him after a weekend of he torturing her with his abusive manipulations. But I don't, bitting my lip. Then a few days my go by, and they are together again. And I feel relieved that I held my tongue, but hopeful that they have a bad fight again and end it. It's very upsetting. When she tried to end the relationship a few weeks ago, she spent half a day crying. I asked her to take the day off, for a mental health day, saying "go into Boston and go shopping. Buy something nice for your self."

 

If I ever say anything, I would definetly broach it with many disclaimers like:

"listen, this is a hunch, and I have nothing to back it up, but my "gaydar: hits the red zone when I see your boyfriend. I don't know him at all, and I don't want to hurt you, but I want you to be aware that that's going on in my head. I don't know how you can get an answer, and telling him may not be the best thing to do. I maybe completely wrong about this, but I respect our friendship to be important enough to let you know that this situation is running in my head, fearing that it might hurt our relationship in the end."

 

Even this approach, I feel is still very intrusive, and I greatly hesitate to do it. I fell I am frozen and can not make up my mind one way or another, and the guilt is killing me.

[Mary3]

So let me guess this right :

 

You are 50's gay man, who is her boss , who happens to think she is lovely but she is 30 years younger than you and if you were -30 younger and not gay you would marry her , right ?

 

You also seem to think this younger gay guy that she is seeing is going to break her heart and I can only assume thats the norm when you are young and gay , that they break hearts ?

[Best of Friends]

Mary,

I said if I were not gay, and if she were 30 years older.

I have no desire to be younger...I am done with youth. It's over rated. I guess what I am saying is, if she were a 50 year old gay man, I would marry "him".

 

If the guy she is seeing is closet-gay, I am 100% sure he will break her heart. After 10-20 years, and a few kids later he will start exploring his sexuality...if not earlier. How many TV evangelists, politicians and "family value proponents" have surfaced as closet gay caught in the act. I also know many-many-many-maaannny married men who are on the DL. I do not approve, but I try not to judge.

 

Any way...yeah. i am happy with my life, and I do not want to change anything about it. I am not trying to be somebody else, but when I see someone, who is about to fall into a hole...I pause and feel I need to do something about it.

 

I have mentioned to her, although, that it would be a good idea not to rush into anything and take her time to really get to "know" him. I think his sexuality has been under the radar because they are devout Christians, so there has been no sex between them whatsoever. Sexuality has been an avoided topic altogether.

[MissMayhem]

Mary,

I said if I were not gay, and if she were 30 years older.

I have no desire to be younger...I am done with youth. It's over rated. I guess what I am saying is, if she were a 50 year old gay man, I would marry "him".

 

If the guy she is seeing is closet-gay, I am 100% sure he will break her heart. After 10-20 years, and a few kids later he will start exploring his sexuality...if not earlier. How many TV evangelists, politicians and "family value proponents" have surfaced as closet gay caught in the act. I also know many-many-many-maaannny married men who are on the DL. I do not approve, but I try not to judge.

 

If the guy she is seeing is closet-gay, I am 100% sure he will break her heart. After 10-20 years, and a few kids later he will start exploring his sexuality...if not earlier. How many TV evangelists, politicians and "family value proponents" have surfaced as closet gay caught in the act. I also know many-many-many-maaannny married men who are on the DL. I do not approve, but I try not to judge.

 

""" First I am not too old to be a friend. That is horrible to think that because I am a man that's older, I am some kinda lecherous perv. with ulterior motives. That's just a rude assumption, and I take offense."""

 

First of all, I never accused you of being a pervert. Yes, that would be offensive if I'd done that. What I said was I thought it strange that a man your age who is not family is so interested in this girl's love life. And it is....to me.

 

So she was 17 when she started working for you? If this is the case, then it's understandable that you would feel protective of her. She was extremely young. It also makes me feel better to know that it's a 50ish gay man that is showing this much interest in a young woman's life. This assures me somewhat that you aren't sexually interested in her. BUT it is entirely inappropriate that you're discussing her sex life, even if she volunteered the information, Just curious - does she know you're gay?

 

Let's reverse the positions here as an example so maybe you can understand what the consequences would be if you speak out against this girl's BF. Possible scenario: Let's say your co-worker's friend "Janie" thought she had a good "pervert detector". She thought you had looked at her a** a little too long as she walked away one day while visiting the office. Janie saw the time you were putting in talking to her friend about her love AND sex life and decided to voice her fear and assumptions as a way of cautioning her about you. Then your co-worker goes and tells everybody that they "think" you might be a pervert! But you're not! People start whispering and staring when they see you, some even start giggling behind their hands. OMG! Scary, huh? And once gossip like this gets started, it's just too juicy to die.

 

Not sure what your goal would be by revealing that you "suspect" he's in denial about being gay. Do you think she'd drop him like a hot potato? It certainly wouldn't fit in with the Christian lifestyle and upbringing you say she and he both have had. AND if she did drop him because of it, she's sure to go and tell everyone what you've said! Everyone will want to know why they broke up. Why would you wish this "HEARTACHE" on this boy?

 

Who would know better than you the difficulties a gay person faces? DON'T let your concern for this young girl blind you to the fact that their are two people's feelings involved here. IF he is gay, then it should be left up to him to reveal it to others, NOT you.

 

There's nothing wrong with offering someone a little guidance in their life but what you proposed earlier and in this post goes way beyond that.

 

AND if you're this good at predicting the future, can you tell me what the next winning CA lottery numbers are? I would so love to be rich! I'm sorry, just teasing you a little. Seriously, though, it's sweet of you to be so caring and concerned but you really need to back off. Be a friend and good listener but do nothing unless her life is physically threatened in some way. And some professional advice here - STOP discussing such personal things at work, especially since you're the employer. You're treading very dangerous ground here.

 

Good luck to you and to her...

[Mary3]

Mary,

I said if I were not gay, and if she were 30 years older.

I have no desire to be younger...I am done with youth. It's over rated. I guess what I am saying is, if she were a 50 year old gay man, I would marry "him".

 

If the guy she is seeing is closet-gay, I am 100% sure he will break her heart. After 10-20 years, and a few kids later he will start exploring his sexuality...if not earlier. How many TV evangelists, politicians and "family value proponents" have surfaced as closet gay caught in the act. I also know many-many-many-maaannny married men who are on the DL. I do not approve, but I try not to judge.

 

Any way...yeah. i am happy with my life, and I do not want to change anything about it. I am not trying to be somebody else, but when I see someone, who is about to fall into a hole...I pause and feel I need to do something about it.

 

I have mentioned to her, although, that it would be a good idea not to rush into anything and take her time to really get to "know" him. I think his sexuality has been under the radar because they are devout Christians, so there has been no sex between them whatsoever. Sexuality has been an avoided topic altogether.

 

Your post read : If I were not gay, and she were 30 years older I definitely would marry her. But that's never going to happen. "

 

I was like Oh okay , he's gay and admitting it ...

 

Maybe their sex is going to be off the charts. Maybe he is the one and is not going to hurt her....Gosh doesn't she deserve the right to explore ?

 

You remind me very very much of this one guy I was casually seeing .

 

He talked non stop about this beautiful girl that he cherished. I got tired of hearing it and I said " Why don't you marry her , then " ?

That struck him hard because she did not see him in a romantic way .

 

You know you are her boss. If you weren't her boss I would tell you to p*** or get off the pot

[Green]

So let me guess this right :

 

You are 50's gay man, who is her boss , who happens to think she is lovely but she is 30 years younger than you and if you were -30 younger and not gay you would marry her , right ?

 

You also seem to think this younger gay guy that she is seeing is going to break her heart and I can only assume thats the norm when you are young and gay , that they break hearts ?

 

his statement makes no sense. It would be like if I proclaimed If she wasn't my sister and I was attracted to her we would date... its ridiculouse.

 

This man is rather ridic IMO

[loverofloveandstuff]

his statement makes no sense. It would be like if I proclaimed If she wasn't my sister and I was attracted to her we would date... its ridiculouse.

 

This man is rather ridic IMO

 

 

Why is everyone going so hard on OP?

 

And common... it's a bit different than saying that. His remark is the equivalent of me saying 'if I wasn't straight, I'd so do Megan Fox.' or 'I'd turn gay for Cheryl Cole.' (God that girl is gorgeous)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My friend at work is great and I like her very much. We are very different, but it works. She is 22 and in love with this guy that is treating her poorly. He is not very attentive to her, and treats her like a prop. They both are very religious and adhere to the protocol of their faiths. But here's the thing. I met him and I think he is gay. Should I tell her? She has ALOT of family input, more than she can handle. After a few months of dating the "gay" boyfriend has made himself very chummy with her parents and siblings and is spending independant time with all of them. He is involved with the church and activities with her. Sometimes he spends more time with his charity work than with my friend. I just do not know what to do. I am afraid of intrfering and being wrong. I know men who are gay and are married, and the whole thing is gross. I just will be heart-broken if she end up ten years from now like one of those women married to a guy like that. I especially do not want to interfer unwanted, and then end up taking the blame and destroying our friendship. And then again what king of friend would I be? I do not know her parents or sibs to get their input. What should I do?

 

 

If you aren't man enough to tell the woman you want to bone her, then don't say anything.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Gay guys are born gay.

 

 

Oh really?

 

 

How's that hunt for the gay gene going then???

[Tayla]

Folks are on the wrong bus.

 

To the OP- You sound genuine in your concern and deserve acknowledgement of such. Its rare in the business world for folks to be concerned. So thanks for breathing that fresh air into this post.

It is entirely her private life and decisions though as an adult. The best you can do is guide her to see BOTH sides and let it go after that. We all need mentors and folks to guide us down paths. what we need to be careful is to not interject our selfs there in the picture. Stay unbias and open minded to the fact that you could be wrong.....

[Best of Friends]

Folks are on the wrong bus.

 

To the OP- You sound genuine in your concern and deserve acknowledgement of such. Its rare in the business world for folks to be concerned. So thanks for breathing that fresh air into this post.

 

I really do mean well and I don't want to hurt anybody. I guess that's why I got so defensive with some of the comments because they where a bit hurtful.

Rememer--I have not done anything yet--and the reason I am here and talking is that if I don't feel there is an overwhelming need to tell this 22 year old that she should take some time and re-evaluate her relationship with this young guy who may hurt. I have thought of so many different reasons why her situation may work:

My parents and a previous relationship have been similar, and this may true for this 22 year old woman. That is, I have found that a few women like thier man a little "gay". My mother was like that, and so was my ex-spouse. Both were "strong" women, and ofcourse we were submisive men. I don't know about my father, but as for me, I felt there was a monster inside of me, and it needed to be punished. Me ex-spouse was happy to ablidge. I think she took advantage of my guilt and I was happy to be dominated. Later in life I realized that there was no monster inside of me, I was healthy, and she was just a .... It was a sick relationship, and I had enough of abuse. My life is better now, but I am interjecting too much of myself into this 22 year's life. I think I should guide in discussing point of views, which I have--I am very open. I definetly will not be making any accusations about her or her boyfriend.

I have found that in my life, when someone tells me not to do something, I am attracted to this thing...and sometime I do it...out of spite.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

We very clearly understand what you want. Unfortunately for you none of us have any direct cause to care whether you offend her, or bang her. So "spite" doesn't really apply here.

 

You want this young woman for yourself, which would be fine except for the fact that you aren't strong enough to tell her the truth.

 

There is no other reason why her plight could possibly matter so much to you.

 

Now it is time to fish or cut bait.

[Best of Friends]

We very clearly understand what you want. Unfortunately for you none of us have any direct cause to care whether you offend her, or bang her. So "spite" doesn't really apply here.

 

You want this young woman for yourself, which would be fine except for the fact that you aren't strong enough to tell her the truth.

 

There is no other reason why her plight could possibly matter so much to you.

 

Now it is time to fish or cut bait.

 

Dear Sincereonlineguy. I appreciate your input...really, but it does not really make any sense. Sometimes you have to trust people when they say they are doing something selflessly, and not trying to get sex. For some people that's not the first thing on their mind. If everything is reduced to that end, than it's a very superficial world we would dwell in. I am not trying to posess or get anything out of it. I think, in the process, I am learning alot about my self...but that's incidental.

Thnks for your input--anyway.