silvah Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 Hello everybody, I've been lurking here for a while but only just registered. Everybody here seems so helpful, so I wanted to ask your advice. It's about something kind of embarrassing, so bear with me if I'm a bit long-winded or miss details out. I'm the director of a business with 6 staff. Recently I hired a new staff member and after a few weeks I developed a crush on him. This would be bad enough, were it not for the fact that I've been married for almost 6 years and I love my husband. Actually, my husband is totally amazing. We have troubles like every other married couple but we're gradually finding a way through them and there is no way I want the marriage to end, although I can see how the troubles have contributed to this situation. I knew I needed to confess to somebody so I told a dear friend of mine and said 'here's the situation, keep me accountable to you'. Recently I've found myself up alone in the bar with this guy more than once and we've told each other a lot of things we probably shouldn't have, like details of past relationships. I told my friend and she was like "WTF???!! You're in emotional affair territory, you need to stop that right now." It's awkward, because I have to work together quite closely with this man and he's helping my business to grow. I did think about taking steps to fire him in order to put myself out of danger, but he's a really good worker and that would be totally unfair both to him and to my other staff who are benefitting from his expertise. I have been trying to kill my feelings by thinking about all the things I love about my husband, and focussing on all the negative traits this guy has. It's very hard but I feel like I'm making some sort of progress. He was dropping some subtle hints last night that he wanted to go for a beer with me, but I ignored them and went straight home. He seemed a bit bewildered because we had got in the habit. I have no idea why he likes hanging out with me so much. He's single, so he talks about girls he fancies and he knows that I am married because I talk about my husband quite a lot. Part of me is worried that he's trying to wrap me round his little finger in order to be first in line for a pay rise. My dilemma is, do I tell this guy about my feelings, and explain that I don't want to hang out with him any more in order to protect my marriage? I'm hoping that if I 'fess up, he'll be a bit creeped out and say "No I don't fancy you at all" and then I'll be able to put it out of my mind. But it could also make things really awkward, and he could use the information to manipulate me. If not, how can I put a stop to the socialising without him becoming confused and thinking he's done something to upset me? Tell me, Loveshackers, what would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
paleblue Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 Quit while you are ahead. you don’t have to tell him anything, and you probably shouldn’t. just ease back and ease out. don’t f up your marriage over a temporary infatuation. don’t be one of those. and just think, when it stops and there are bad feelings at work, how uncomfortable you are going to feel dealing with that on a daily basis. Link to post Share on other sites
Circular Posted July 16, 2010 Share Posted July 16, 2010 (edited) You're in dangerous territory, Id say probably the most dangerous. * Youre already in EA territory, you are just realizing it now and you crossed the line when you started sharing personal details. You've already entered emotional intimacy territory * This is accentuated by the fact that you admit you have a crush, so your divulging is fueled by wanting to get more intimate to appease your brain chemistry. * The term crush is a passive term used to downplay what you're really feeling which is a strong attraction to this person. Let's be real here and admit the truth - I hate when people try to hide behind the immature use of the term "crush" like it means something innocent when here it definitely is not. * Not only by having drinks and talking about personal things with a subordinate you have a "crush" on are you betraying your husband, but your also opening yourself and your company to a law suit. Matter of fact your "firing" idea can get you take. To the cleaners. * He knows your interested and he's thinking "hey, if she wants to play with fire" - what he's not thinking about is if your husband got wind of it it could be catastrophic. * I don't believe your marriage is perfect and that thing are "great" and that you love your husband the way you need to to keep the marriage solid. You really need to understand the dynamic that's pulling you into this and address it with your husband. * The litmus test is a simple question, "would you tell your husband everything about your relationship with is co-worker" ?? If not, then your over the boundary line already. * Id advise you quickly go to IC and keep your relationship with this person strictly professional before it all blows up on you. * don't tell the individual anything about how you feel, what you're going through, or what you're going to do - this will backfire on you and you'll find yourself deeper into it. Trust me on this, I've been down this road. it's filled with heartache and pain no matter where the cards land at the end of the day somebody is going to get hurt and it's most likely you. Edited July 16, 2010 by Circular Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted July 17, 2010 Share Posted July 17, 2010 If you want to keep distant him, say that you're his boss and you don't want to get too personally involved with your employees because it might seem like favoritism. This will give you a good excuse without telling him the truth because I agree with everyone else. DO NOT tell him the truth. He might interpret it as sexual harassment or encourage your crush on him and take advantage of the information. It's not going to end well. Just keep on the right track with the rest of the stuff you're doing. You're doing well so far. And try to set him up with other women to help you think of him as off-hands territory if you can. Or you can try being a bit cold with him. Fighting with someone is a good way to see their bad side and shake the pedastool away that you've set up for the person. This is how I got over all the crushes I had while in a relationship and some of the men at the time admitted they had feelings for me, but I never told them that I had feelings for them as well. Never. Ever. It would have just ended in bad ways. I fought with them instead or helped them get another girlfriend and kept telling them no (for the ones who liked me) until the message got across to me as well. It will take time, but keep resisting, you won't regret it, and it will eventually go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author silvah Posted July 18, 2010 Author Share Posted July 18, 2010 Hello everybody, Thanks for your comments. I'm so glad each one of you advised me not to say anything about how I feel because I can see now how that could only end badly. I had no idea that saying I fancy him could be construed as sexual harrassment (!!) although I am not based in the US, so I suspect things might be different over there in terms of legal precedent and how likely one person is to sue another for various reasons. But even the thought would make me run screaming, so I'll definitely keep my big mouth shut. In every other relationship I've had, I've found myself attracted to other men. Maybe every year I will develop some sort of infatuation with another person. Not in a lustful way but in the sense of emotional intimacy and wanting to make them happy. To me it sounds like 'limerence' which I've read about elsewhere on this forum. I've kind of gotten used to it. I think it's probably an overabundance of hormones. In the past I've always managed to contain my feelings, but this is the first time that I've sensed they might be reciprocated and feels more dangerous. It does help a lot that my husband is much more physically attractive than this chap, thank God. Since the alarm bells going off, I've been making an effort to be more intimate with my husband in every sense. Enchanted Girl, your ideas are sooo helpful! I can tell how doing what you advise would really help to kill my feelings. Also thanks for the encouragement and understanding. Being married is hard (well, everybody told me it would be... I don't know how I managed to convince myself it was easy...) and I want to fight for it. So it helps to hear from you guys that you're with me on this and I'm on the right track. As my friend reminded me last night, it's not wrong to be tempted, but it is wrong to give in to it. Finally... Circular... what do you mean by going to IC? Link to post Share on other sites
Author silvah Posted July 18, 2010 Author Share Posted July 18, 2010 Oh, sorry, found it, it means Individual Counselling right? Link to post Share on other sites
Enchanted Girl Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 Oh, sorry, found it, it means Individual Counselling right? I didn't know what IC was either. Thanks for explaining it to me. XD I knew what MC was, but I kept feeling puzzled over the other one. I'm pretty positive that's what it means. I've seen people use it a lot on here and that explanation makes sense. Link to post Share on other sites
SakenPT Posted July 21, 2010 Share Posted July 21, 2010 getting a crush doesn't mean that you love him... you may develop feelings that might sound confusing to you but as soon as you bite the hook you might end up with nothing (not loving him and loosing your actual loved one) Link to post Share on other sites
Tag Posted July 25, 2010 Share Posted July 25, 2010 Hi Silvah I think you should keep your crush inside of u , I hear u, I have the same problem ... but we kept it inside of us, never to go out with him again, you never know what he is up to ?? may be he will spread some rumors about about you and this can affect your position. check my post http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2904805&posted=1#post2904805 Have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
cavedweller Posted July 30, 2010 Share Posted July 30, 2010 Silvah, Things like this are hard to hide.. I assume that everyone, at your work, is starting to talk about your 'crush'.. If that is true you are playing with fire.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts