Need Ad.vice on coworker crush

[rbrohman]

Hello all,

 

I am having an issue with a coworker and

 

am seeking some advice on how to handle.

 

We are both married with a kid and have

 

worked together for about 6 years. I

 

have always been attracted to her but

 

never had any feelings beyond that.

 

A few months ago we both were assigned

 

to the same two projects and as a result

 

were working closely together a lot. I

 

started developing feelings for her

 

which turned into a full blown crush and

 

now I can't get her out of my head.

 

There's no flirting or anything and as

 

far as I can tell she's oblivious to my

 

feelings.

 

I found myself going out of my way to

 

talk to her and creating reasons to be

 

around her and as a result our

 

friendship has improved but its only

 

making things worse for my crush.

 

I decided the other day that I had to

 

end it so I have been avoiding her like

 

the plague for the past two days, out of

 

sight out of mind. Any time she's

 

talked to me I would keep it short and

 

sweet, very cold and unfriendly and Ive

 

stopped engaging her altogether.

 

The problem now is that she's noticed

 

and confronted me and asked what was

 

wrong, why am I not acting normal. I

 

just said nothing was wrong and dropped

 

it.

 

Its only going to get worse and now I

 

don't know what to do. I don't want her

 

to think I'm mad at her or have some

 

problem with her, I don't want to hurt

 

her feelings but I feel I have to keep

 

my distance to fix this thing.

 

Here are the options I am considering if she

 

continues to ask me about it.

 

a) I was thinking about confideing in a

 

mutual coworker freind of ours so he

 

could maybe mention this on the side to

 

her so she understands.

 

b) I could confront her outright and

 

tell her (via email or face to face?)

 

Would like to minimize awkwardness and

 

embarassment.

 

c) I could just suck it up, go back to

 

treating her the same as before and

 

just get over it somehow.

 

 

Does anyone have any suggestions or

 

thoughts on what I should do?

 

Thanks in advance for any help.

 

-RB

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, this is a tough one, and none of the options you mention are likely to be especially productive.

 

What would reeeeeeeeeeeeally be the best evolution, lets call it, would be that you redirect your focus on ways to enhance your feelings for your wife.

 

 

Whether it be planning a vacation with your family, or perhaps a romantic weekend without your (kid) in a fun city a short trip away, you can do best for yourself by focusing on your spouse. This way, the effect on the 'crush' you have would be the same as it would if a newer, hotter, younger, even-more-together human female landed in your neighboring cubicle next week.

 

These issues really are about YOU - independent of the person on whom you are crushing - and the safest path out of the many no-win situations you are/(could-be) in is as suggested here.

[scatterd]

you said you did not want to hurt her but what about your wife she is the one you married get rid of the ow or be single.That way nobody gets hurt.good luck

[whichwayisup]

She's a big girl, so don't lose any sleep over this. You've distanced yourself so you can detach.

 

Be professional, be pleasent (you don't have to be cold towards her since she's done nothing wrong, all the feelings/crush you have for her, you created by wanting to be around her, you went out of your way too) and keep it simple.

 

You don't have to be personal with her, but you dont' have to be a jerk either. Sorry but you handled it wrong by doing a total 180, enough that SHE noticed the big change in your behaviour towards her.

 

Anyway, focus on your wife and reconnecting with her. Take her out on a date and make her feel special and loved.. A nice long weekend with her and your kid, this coworker will disappear from your mind.

 

Push thoughts out of your head when you feel your mind drifting towards the coworker. BE active in getting over the crush. If you truly want to, you can do it. Think of your wife, your kid and the possibility of losing what you have now, all for what? A crush, someone who makes your heart flutter...

 

Crushes are fun and meant to be simple and not a threat to your marriage. Fact that now this woman is 'aware' (she's not stupid, she knows you have a crush on her), be careful.

[califnan]

I agree with the other posters.. Concentrate on ingratiating your marriage. And be congenial, professional and pleasant to your co-worker.. Remembering this is about you, not her..

 

And as for one of your other thoughts of communication, I would not bring another co-worker into it..

[TrueDonJuan]

You are married, and yet you are considering confronting a co-worker that you have a crush on?

 

I think a more pressing concern is: what does it say about your marriage? If you feel this strongly about someone else, is your marriage what it should be? Is it fair to your wife, and your child?

 

You have to make a decision that could affect the rest of your life. You cannot lead your wife on if you are going to be prone to crushes. And you cannot move towards a fling with this co-worker if you intend on remaining a decent human being.

 

Either go with one, or stay with the other. You can't have both, so stop trying to.

[vintagecat]

Put me down for a "C" vote. Suck it up. There is very little more changeable than the human heart especially when given the chance, so put your mind to the task of debunking the crush (which incidentally is no fault of your co-worker so leave her out of it) and move on.

 

You might also see what this crush says (if anything - sometimes attraction is just attraction) about your marriage and if there is room for improvement, work on it.

 

Good luck to you.

[roykeane]

I was in the exact same situation as you are, and in a way I still am...

 

First I confronted her -your choice "B" - , because I thought that she had feelings for me too. She told me that I misread the situation but we stayed friends curiously.

 

Then I tried your current tactic. First time it lasted a month, no contact unless it was professionally required and only to not make me look like a complete jerk. Oftentimes I did look like a jerk. Of course she immediately noticed, kept asking me what's going on, come and talk to her. I gave in and started talking to her again. Then something ticked me off again and I made another attempt. This time I was a jerk, kept avoiding her, ignoring her, trying to make her get tired of my act, trying to make her just not care whether I talk to her or not. It lasted 2 months, and at the end of it I thought she really gave up on me, but one night she ambushed me - we both had a few drinks - and she wouldn't let up until I told her everything, that it is killing me to be friends with her, I thought I could deal with my feelings for her but I really can't if we're friends. Her answer: "I don't care, I just want us to be friends."

 

"C" is the right choice, but take it from me, it's not going to be easy. Fact is you can't cut her off, it is not right, it is not her fault, it will only make her suspicious. Don't tell her how you feel either. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Try to gradually reduce non-professional contact with her, try not to think of her anymore and it will pass. Many people have crushes you are not a bad person, husband for having one. We can't control who we are attracted to, but we can control how we deal with it and/or if we act on it.