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How to work with colleague after she broke up my marriage


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I work as an emergency medicine doc and thus in a stressful envt requiring close teamwork and relationships with colleagues. 2 months ago I found out that one of my colleagues is having an affair with my soon to be ex wife. They are now openly in a relationship since I confronted them and our marriage broke down as the wife wasn't willing to either go to counselling or break it off.

 

How on earth do I carry on working with them? I don't know when faced with them whether I will be a) violent and lose my job or b) have to walk away and thus not be able to perform my professional responsibilities.

 

I'm off work at the moment with the stress of it all but have to go back at some point soon. It scares the hell out of me!

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I don't know if I could ignore the situation either. And since you have to be responsible for the lives of others, their relationship being in your face could create work hazards for the patients.

 

Maybe start looking elsewhere for employment? Or does the hospital you work at frown on relationships between staff? Take it up with HR? Change your shift times?

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We're both on long term training contracts in the UK. No option to move, and have no control over either my shift times or which hospitals we work in. I don't really want my personal life to be brought to work in this way - one of the reasons I've always avoided dating other medics. Nor do I want to have to spread my dirty laundry around the department. I need to find a way to be in the same room as the heartless cruel bitch without killing her.

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Then do your best to remember you have patients to attend to that, even if it is just a minor injury, are more important and valuable than your witch of an ex-wife. She doesn't deserve to be able to see you prioritize your feelings for her, no matter how hateful they are, over your career or the people you need to help.

 

Good luck. And really, considering the quality of person your ex-wife clearly is, your luck is on the rise by simply being rid of her.

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We're both on long term training contracts in the UK. No option to move, and have no control over either my shift times or which hospitals we work in. I don't really want my personal life to be brought to work in this way - one of the reasons I've always avoided dating other medics. Nor do I want to have to spread my dirty laundry around the department. I need to find a way to be in the same room as the heartless cruel bitch without killing her.

 

I'm truly sorry to hear this story - it is bad enough you are still on a training contract- how long do you still have to go ?

 

I think maybe some relief is in your own post : heartless cruel bitch, you don't need someone like her in your life - probably before too long their relationship will go sour too.

 

You have to focus on your work and make the best of it, the sooner you're done - the sooner you can finish your specialization and move on to warmer, drier pastures than old blighty...

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skydiveaddict
I work as an emergency medicine doc and thus in a stressful envt requiring close teamwork and relationships with colleagues. 2 months ago I found out that one of my colleagues is having an affair with my soon to be ex wife. They are now openly in a relationship since I confronted them and our marriage broke down as the wife wasn't willing to either go to counselling or break it off.

 

How on earth do I carry on working with them? I don't know when faced with them whether I will be a) violent and lose my job or b) have to walk away and thus not be able to perform my professional responsibilities.

 

I'm off work at the moment with the stress of it all but have to go back at some point soon. It scares the hell out of me!

 

 

 

My God that must be awful. I don't think I could do it. Anyway you can work at a different hospital perhaps?

Edited by skydiveaddict
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We're both on long term training contracts in the UK. No option to move, and have no control over either my shift times or which hospitals we work in. I don't really want my personal life to be brought to work in this way - one of the reasons I've always avoided dating other medics. Nor do I want to have to spread my dirty laundry around the department. I need to find a way to be in the same room as the heartless cruel bitch without killing her.

 

Actually, there's the key....

 

Imagine being in the same room with the heartless cruel bitch.... and she's on the floor, unconscious, bleeding from a serious wound caused by a falling glass cabinet....

 

Do you leave her there to bleed to death?

or would your medic instincts make you do what you could to save her life?

Because that's your job, right?

I imagine that you'd have very mixed feelings, but your priority would be to staunch the flow of blood and do what you could to save her life.

Wouldn't it?

 

What she thinks says and does on an emotional level is beyond your control.

What you think say and do, is completely within your own.

Anger, resentment, hatred and bitterness are not solutions to anything, and merely perpetuate the suffering you're going through.

if she is soon to be your ex-wife, then this situation has come to an end, and the chapter is closing.

You have to give yourself permission to move on and just look at them now, as two human beings making their own way.

Marriage isn't ownership.

(used to be, I know, but times have changed....)

Understand that she stopped being your wife the moment she decided to go elsewhere, so you have to let go of her as being your wife, ex-wife, cheater, heartless bitch or anything else.

Just view her as a body with a moving skeleton and a muscular network with tendons, ligaments, arteries, veins, renal system, lumbar region, pulmonary system..... in other words, just look at her as if she were any BODY else.

Because that's precisely what she is.

 

The only way to remedy this situation, is to address what you're doing and change your perception.

Change the way you think of this.

Change how you view them.

It will take a long time to get over this.

But don't let them rule you.

You need to haul in all the dignity you can muster, and rise above their crap.

 

Who knows?

Maybe in time they'll go through the whole scenario again, with him cheating, or her following a pattern.....

 

You should give a damn.

Think of you, take care of you, and dismiss them from your life, because whilst you let them rule it, you'll never move on.

 

Thy're just bodies. Impermanent, ageing, degenerating and step by step, changing all the time.

So you need to change too.

For the better.

For your better.

 

Make a decision.

Are you going to let them influence and affect you and continue ruining your life - or are you going to step out of the shadow and into your own sunshine?

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Chrome Barracuda

You tell the higher bosses the situation and let them know, i'm not gonna be in the room working with her if she is. Expect me to be off my game and non-comunicative with her. I will impose a strict NC with her if need be.

 

So either she stays and i leave or she finds somewhere else to work.

 

Ethically your bosses should allow the other employee that's banging your ex somewhere to work without it being a disadvantage to you. but who says you need this job, if it's bringing you nothing but pain, then you dont need that crap. Find something else and then bounce.

 

The choice is yours, I couldnt sit in the same room with the OM while he's just breaking up my marriage, trust me I'd be real azzhole about it too. just to irk him, id force him out by any means neccessary. one of us will leave.

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You are right in not wanting to drag your personal life into the workplace.

Given the circumstances - most probably know anyway.

You take the high road. Head up. Courteous.

Soon...you WILL become indifferent.

And then you will be there to witness their implosion. It will surprise you that you dont even care.

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If you absolutely cannot leave your job ( poor economy , ect. ) then the best way to do this is to become * numb * when she is around.

 

You will have made a breakthrough when you feel NOTHING about her presence , her words or her actions.

 

This same magic applies to all of us in a breakup when we reach the threshold of ambivilance when that said person is around us.

 

Not easy to achieve and you have a ways to go.

 

Wouldnt you LOVE to wake up in the morning and say ex_insert name _____ who cares about her ??

 

I don't...

 

For now : FOCUS focus focus on your patient.

 

If this succubus is in the room and handing you instruments pretend she is a 400 lb creature and you find her very unattractive.

 

The mind is very powerful. You want to train it that she is neither evil nor wonderful and you feel nothing when you see her or think of her..

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Well, speaking from experience, I had the same thing happen (only not married). I have to see this guy on a daily basis. My laundry is all over the place at work. I still have fits of rage that have to be controlled and not acted upon. I did talk to my supervisor and tell him that I can't work with the individual in question. But as for how to handle it on a daily basis? I went away for 3 months to another office to cool down. I'm back now. The hate is still there. I do not talk about the situation with anyone. I no longer associate with any of my co-workers outside of work hours. My circle of friends has decreased to a small (3) handful. I do not say a word to him at work. Everytime I see him, my insides light up with rage but then I go to my office and concentrate on something else. I have not seen the individual outside of the office yet....I'm not sure how that will be handled. It might not be pretty. So I feel for you. I really do. This is the most awful thing I could ever have imagined happening. I'm in therapy to control the anger and I take medication. I come here to talk about it. I want one day to be able to say I'm the better man but right now I don't want to be that man, just the one that puts the other in the hospital! Lots of crying and deep breaths my friend.

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I feel for you OP, it sounds like an impossible situation. You will probably need personal counseling to get you through this stage.

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Well, speaking from experience, I had the same thing happen (only not married). I have to see this guy on a daily basis. My laundry is all over the place at work. I still have fits of rage that have to be controlled and not acted upon. I did talk to my supervisor and tell him that I can't work with the individual in question. But as for how to handle it on a daily basis? I went away for 3 months to another office to cool down. I'm back now. The hate is still there. I do not talk about the situation with anyone. I no longer associate with any of my co-workers outside of work hours. My circle of friends has decreased to a small (3) handful. I do not say a word to him at work. Everytime I see him, my insides light up with rage but then I go to my office and concentrate on something else. I have not seen the individual outside of the office yet....I'm not sure how that will be handled. It might not be pretty. So I feel for you. I really do. This is the most awful thing I could ever have imagined happening. I'm in therapy to control the anger and I take medication. I come here to talk about it. I want one day to be able to say I'm the better man but right now I don't want to be that man, just the one that puts the other in the hospital! Lots of crying and deep breaths my friend.

 

I would never want you and the guy to get into an altercation outside of your office. If you hit him ...well...you know the rest.

Take your rage on a real punching bag , a hard run around the block ANYTHING but really connecting your fists to him..

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As you have stated, a physical altercation is never a good idea. The OP and I know an anger and betrayal the likes of which I would never want anyone to have to experience, let alone, relive on a daily basis everytime you see the MF-er! It has taken me months to get to a point where I can re-focus myself on other things after I pass him in the hall or see him in the office. Used to be, I'd spend the rest of the day in a fit of rage just waiting for an opportunity or for him to say something...anything, to justify letting loose the fury inside me. I did take up boxing, which is both a great release and a danger to him! :) I do not plan on hurting him and neither should the OP. It's just a terribly aweful situation that will require much more willpower and restraint then I thought I was even capable of. I can only hope the OP has more then enough to control himself, even though it's the last thing he wants to do.

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If it were me, I think I would find a new place to work as soon as possible. I would do this like right now. Maybe you can be reassigned somewhere?

 

In the meantime, you have no choice: you have to keep it together. I don't know how you do it, but just be 'strictly business' about everything you do at work. Try to avoid them unless it's vital that you communicate with them. Avoid dramas. Avoid taking any kind of bait and just do your job.

 

You might want to speak to your supervisor privately about the situation and explain what's going on. At least he'll be understanding (hopefully).

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threebyfate

Lees, I feel for you and honestly can't imagine being forced to work daily with these two horrific individuals.

 

While you've mentioned not spreading your dirty laundry at work, I think you NEED to tell your manager, especially considering your profession. Maybe there's a way for your manager to schedule this guy on a different shift, preferably night shift.

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