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I am pissed off! Should I send this e-mail?


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Old 15th February 2010, 2:06 AM   #1
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I am pissed off! Should I send this e-mail?

A co-worker told me today that my boss has been complaining to her about my performance and number of sick days that I am taking lately. I am 100% sure that she is telling the truth - he always tells me c$ap about others behind their backs as well. I am pissed that he hasn't addressed this with me in any way.

I am contemplating sending him an e-mail along the lines of "I would appreciate it if you didn't discuss my performance with anyone other than me and my supervisors." Is it OK to do this? I am SO pissed. I wouldn't implicate my co-worker in any way - I am sure he has complained about me to others too.
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Old 15th February 2010, 2:18 AM   #2
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Don't !!

Refrain from sending any emails (or having a verbal discussion) when you're pissed off.... This can only cause damage. Wait until you have cooled down and can think rationally.

You should probably not send any response at all - first of all - you will start an open conflict with your boss - which will gain you nothing. Second - your boss will know where you got the information and either stop talking to that colleague, or have a conflict with the colleague, both will have consequences for you.

Between you and yourself : are those claims correct ? If yes maybe this is a pointer on things you should improve to prevent being fired at a time of crisis when jobs are scarce anyway... If you decide to leave this job - find another one first and say nothing to anyone for as long as possible (until you hand in a notice), because then matters are in your control.
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Old 15th February 2010, 2:34 AM   #3
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Ugh, too late.

I have sent the e-mail already

I wish I read your advice earlier, but in all fairness the relationship with my boss has now degenerated beyond repair - even before the e-mail. His picture could be in the dictionary next to the word passive-agressive.

Claims are correct to some degree but my co-worker had this big smirk on her face when telling me this. It's like she enjoyed it on some level, so I guess I don't care too much about her.

My boss most likely either won't reply to this e-mail or will lie aned deny. I guess I want some open communication to know if my position is really in danger etc... but that's unlikely to happen.
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Old 15th February 2010, 3:40 AM   #4
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I'm sorry to hear - but let's see what damage control can do : your dear pall colleague would probably benefit somehow from damaging your position, s/he obviously said what they said knowing it would blow your fuse and cause a certain outcome.

What's done is done - but you should really exercise some self control : go talk to your boss in person in a closed office. Explain you were going through a hard time and sending that email was a mistake you made in a fit of anger. Whatever you think of him/her - it is irrelevant right now - this is business.

Don't blame anyone else - just apologize for what you did. Then discuss your work performance and explain simply that criticism may be much more constructive if discussed in person. You will most likely get some heat - so sit there and take it.

You admit that there is some truth to the claims - so tell your boss you intend to deal with it - and be sure to follow through. You may not like this job - but it is better than none.

At your judgement - start looking for another job - without saying anything to any of your colleagues who you think are your friends.... Also - next time that colleague offers you gossip, walk away. And I mean it - just walk away.

This advice is of course my own opinion, take it or leave it - whatever you do I hope you learn from this and better success in the future.
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Old 15th February 2010, 10:40 AM   #5
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Well, he responded but managed to totally evade my statement. He said that "people overhear things" and that he suggests that in the future we have meetings strictly in his office and behind closed doors (we have been having them at my desk, in the shared office space in the recent weeks). He also said to feel free "to speak up" about anything else that's bothering me and seemed keen to just diffuse the situation - he ended the e-mail with a joke.

Again, there is no discussion about my performance at all and he didn't address the claim that he talked behind my back. I have managed to hold myself off from sending another e-mail.

BTW - yes, my co-worker is in direct competition with me. The worse I do, the better she looks.
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Old 15th February 2010, 1:46 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SadandConfusedWA View Post
Ugh, too late.

I have sent the e-mail already

I wish I read your advice earlier, but in all fairness the relationship with my boss has now degenerated beyond repair - even before the e-mail. His picture could be in the dictionary next to the word passive-agressive.

Claims are correct to some degree but my co-worker had this big smirk on her face when telling me this. It's like she enjoyed it on some level, so I guess I don't care too much about her.

My boss most likely either won't reply to this e-mail or will lie aned deny. I guess I want some open communication to know if my position is really in danger etc... but that's unlikely to happen.

Instead of sending a email, all you had to do was

improve your performance

stop taking so many sick days

find ways to strengthen your relationship with your boss


Now you have further damaged your relationship with your boss and his relationship with that colleague whih will now have you possibly looking for a job.
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Old 15th February 2010, 3:53 PM   #7
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Philly, it is just not right to discuss performance of an emloyee with their co-workers BEHIND THAT EMPLOYEE'S BACK, while not mentioning a thing to the said employee and pretending like everything is perfect.

Now I feel like I don't regret sending that e-mail at all. In fact, I feel good that have stood up for myself.
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Old 15th February 2010, 3:58 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by SadandConfusedWA View Post
Philly, it is just not right to discuss performance of an emloyee with their co-workers BEHIND THAT EMPLOYEE'S BACK, while not mentioning a thing to the said employee and pretending like everything is perfect.

Now I feel like I don't regret sending that e-mail at all. In fact, I feel good that have stood up for myself.
i think you should CC both your email and his response to his boss. the fact that he didn't address the issue is huge. if he isn't into a solution or resolution to the matter - then his boss should be aware of how ineffective he is.
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Old 15th February 2010, 4:13 PM   #9
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You probably hung your co worker out to dry.
When I worked with friends in the past I would tell them things I heard, and tell them in confidence so they could protect themselves. What I learned more often than not is they would get pissed and blab, and it was not hard to tell the info came from me, which then resulted in me getting on the sh*t list.

Everyone would always say, "I won't do anything that would implicate you" but they always did, and even if they didn't say directly it still came back to me as, "Did you say something?". You don't know the specifics, and your boss probably knows who told you and now your co worker has to deal with it. As a result, now your co worker will have to defend himself or your boss will suspect that person told you, so you hung them out to dry.

I learned not to help people in that way anymore because when push comes to shove the people you try to "help" will put themselves before you and your career and expect you to also fight their battle.

I think you did a disservice to your co worker. I wouldn't expect that person to give you inside info ever again.
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Old 15th February 2010, 4:23 PM   #10
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Since you never heard your boss tell another person about your performance and all of your info is coming from a third party that is in direct competition with you then wouldn't it make sense that your coworker is feeding you erroneous false info to create a wedge between you and your boss and make you look bad ?

While your boss didn't address the exact comment you made about speaking with others about your performance he also didn't really need to since the info was coming third party and was tainted.

I do like Sunny's idea about CC his boss in further communication, The only problem there is you are most likely putting a target on your back...

I wouldn't have sent the email.. you said that you have face to face meetings with him, why wouldn't you have brought it up face to face ?
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Old 15th February 2010, 5:24 PM   #11
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You probably hung your co worker out to dry.
When I worked with friends in the past I would tell them things I heard, and tell them in confidence so they could protect themselves. What I learned more often than not is they would get pissed and blab, and it was not hard to tell the info came from me, which then resulted in me getting on the sh*t list.

Everyone would always say, "I won't do anything that would implicate you" but they always did, and even if they didn't say directly it still came back to me as, "Did you say something?". You don't know the specifics, and your boss probably knows who told you and now your co worker has to deal with it. As a result, now your co worker will have to defend himself or your boss will suspect that person told you, so you hung them out to dry.

I learned not to help people in that way anymore because when push comes to shove the people you try to "help" will put themselves before you and your career and expect you to also fight their battle.

I think you did a disservice to your co worker. I wouldn't expect that person to give you inside info ever again.
Beleive me, if I felt that this co-worker did it with good intentions, I would have never e-mailed the boss. I am fiercly loyal to people that are loyal to me. However, the way she said it, full of glee - she was thoroughuly enjoying my reaction. There were issues in the past when I was sent to expensive trips and she hasn't etc and she made many nasty backhanded comments. She is not my friend. Having said that, I would still not name her directly.

Oh and I can very well do without her inside info. My performance shouldn't be a problem unless it is addressed with me directly by my supervisors. I don't think that in an effective work setting one should rely on mind reading and gossip.
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Old 15th February 2010, 5:29 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
Since you never heard your boss tell another person about your performance and all of your info is coming from a third party that is in direct competition with you then wouldn't it make sense that your coworker is feeding you erroneous false info to create a wedge between you and your boss and make you look bad ?

While your boss didn't address the exact comment you made about speaking with others about your performance he also didn't really need to since the info was coming third party and was tainted.

I do like Sunny's idea about CC his boss in further communication, The only problem there is you are most likely putting a target on your back...

I wouldn't have sent the email.. you said that you have face to face meetings with him, why wouldn't you have brought it up face to face ?
Art, yes I plan to bring it up again in a face to face meeting. I don't feel like anything is resolved right now. I won't bring up the talking behind my back thing but will say that I want to discuss my performance.

As for CC-ing his boss, that would be the absolute last resort. If I do this, I am starting an open war with my direct supervisor which is a pretty weak position to be in.
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Old 16th February 2010, 3:51 PM   #13
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Update

I am SO frustrated with this. I am working in another branch this week, so I won't see the boss in person until next week. Anyway, I replied to his last e-mail saying that I want to make an appointment to discuss my performance. He replied to this COMPLETLY IGNORING my request and told me that he has a feeling I see him as "Michael Scott" (this is the main character of the tv series "The Office") and to let him know if this is the case. I mean WTF? So I replied to that saying something like "haha there are similarities, now on a more serious note....." And asked for the meeting AGAIN. This time he responded by sending me a forwarded e-mail of something funny and asked me what do I think of the joke... At this point, I stopped responding alltogether. Few hours later he sends the second forward of something completly irrelevant again asking me what I think of it...with smiley faces too.

I really feel disrepsected and am now worried that he wants to fire me and is just killing time until that's executed. Obivously he doesn't want to discuss my performance. I am not really sure if I should ask again in person.. or just let this go and hope for the best.
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Old 16th February 2010, 3:56 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by SadandConfusedWA View Post
I am SO frustrated with this. I am working in another branch this week, so I won't see the boss in person until next week. Anyway, I replied to his last e-mail saying that I want to make an appointment to discuss my performance. He replied to this COMPLETLY IGNORING my request and told me that he has a feeling I see him as "Michael Scott" (this is the main character of the tv series "The Office") and to let him know if this is the case. I mean WTF? So I replied to that saying something like "haha there are similarities, now on a more serious note....." And asked for the meeting AGAIN. This time he responded by sending me a forwarded e-mail of something funny and asked me what do I think of the joke... At this point, I stopped responding alltogether. Few hours later he sends the second forward of something completly irrelevant again asking me what I think of it...with smiley faces too.

I really feel disrepsected and am now worried that he wants to fire me and is just killing time until that's executed. Obivously he doesn't want to discuss my performance. I am not really sure if I should ask again in person.. or just let this go and hope for the best.
yikes - his avoiding behavior reminds me of this guy i knew who would do things like that when he was uncomfortable and drinking heavily during the work day.

it was as if nothing made sense and everything was random and out of order.
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Old 16th February 2010, 6:21 PM   #15
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Managers are there to manage employees for their superiors, not to cater to gossip and rumors being flung around the office. So IMO he is doing a good job by deflecting.

In your shoes, would drop this entirely, as he is being good-natured so far. Hope he will forget it at review time. Keep pushing it, and your next review is likely to suffer.

Of course do not know the details, but taking lots of sick days and having your performance be called into question at all is not a good strategy if you want to keep your job in an economy like this.
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