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Is it safe to date newly divorced men?


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Old 3rd August 2009, 11:08 AM   #1
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Is it safe to date newly divorced men?

I have recently started dating a man who works at my job. He has recently filed for divorce and we have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I really like him but i do not want to be hurt when he decides things are getting to be too restrictive something like a marriage. i dont want to get into a relationship either so we agree on that note. About his marriage though it didnt work out because he and his wife married too soon with out getting to know each other more.... I am extremly attracted to him but he is ready to do something with me and i do not know if it is the right thing right now for him or me. By something i mean (sex)
Please be h0nest with me should i pump my breaks or should i let things happen naturally and see what his next move is??
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Old 3rd August 2009, 11:31 AM   #2
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If you decide to have sex with him and then later the two of you do not continue that relationship, and you still work together.....yuck.

Dont date at the office
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Old 4th August 2009, 4:43 AM   #3
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First, I agree with 2Sure: dating at work can lead to a lot of probems.

Secondly, I don't have any hard statistics but my gut feeling is that after a breakup people rarely settle down with the first person with whom they have a "relationship". Looking back on my own life, with hindsight I was much too ready to fall in love after a breakup. Maybe someone could provide a psychological explanation why that tends to happen?

You also mentioned he felt he and his ex didn't spend enough time getting to know each other. My own experience is that it takes two or three years to even start to understand another person. So I'm all in favor of going slow.

I think you are specifically asking whether you should have sex with him. I think that all depends on what sex means to you. Some people can enjoy dating and having sex for a few weeks or months and then not be terribly hurt if the other person decides the relationship is over. For other people, this is a catastophe. If you would feel humiliated by having sex in a relationship that didn't work out, don't do it. If you see sex as a pleasurable activity while getting to know each other, then by all means go for it. I'm sorry if this advice is not as clear as you would like. He is on the rebound so I would suggest to assume the worst - that he will be done with you in a few weeks or months - and assuming that might well be the case, decide whether or not you still want to have sex with him. Does that make sense?
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Old 8th August 2009, 4:46 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by RA1 View Post
First, I agree with 2Sure: dating at work can lead to a lot of probems.

I think you are specifically asking whether you should have sex with him. I think that all depends on what sex means to you. Some people can enjoy dating and having sex for a few weeks or months and then not be terribly hurt if the other person decides the relationship is over. For other people, this is a catastophe. If you would feel humiliated by having sex in a relationship that didn't work out, don't do it. If you see sex as a pleasurable activity while getting to know each other, then by all means go for it. I'm sorry if this advice is not as clear as you would like. He is on the rebound so I would suggest to assume the worst - that he will be done with you in a few weeks or months - and assuming that might well be the case, decide whether or not you still want to have sex with him. Does that make sense?
I believe this is the right approach too. Do what you are comfortable with. Don't hold back sex needlessly, but there are many reasons here to be cautious: you work together, three weeks is fine for sex but it isn't a long time, and he just got out of a marriage.
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Old 11th August 2009, 1:52 AM   #5
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I think that any time a person is jumping into a relationship, just after getting out of a serious one, that you should be alarmed, because something isn't right.
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Old 12th August 2009, 11:48 AM   #6
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Never a good idea, on two fronts. First, remember the word recession? Protect your job at ALL COSTS - trust me, listen to the year-unemployed woman here. A romp in the hay is not worth losing your job over because it could literally be a year or two till you find another. Let him go or let him quit, then get involved.

Two, he's not divorced yet, and that still means married. Until the papers are signed, he's a married man with the possibility of getting back together with his wife. I've been through it - I dated a man who was separated but still living in the same house with his wife. He told me they had no relationship left but were staying in the house because of the bad market right now. Like an idiot, I believed him. I don't know what happened in the house with the wife but I do know he was in no rush to sign those papers because of "tax reasons".

Three, all a seperated or newly divorced man wants is sex - not love, definitely not an exclusive relationship. Always remember that.
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Old 20th June 2017, 4:02 AM   #7
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Unhappy [Update on my situation]

I have been with a man for 7 years within those seven years we have broke up 1000 times I had a lot of secrets and I couldn't bear to come clean. One secret we broke up and I slept with someone new this someone is who I thought I would get over him with but I ended up loosing interest and going back to the man I know and love .

But I did that because I was telling myself he was cheating on me with all his "so called female friends", I eventually came clean n he took me back but he was never the same after that. He began to openly talk about seeing other ppl and not having and titles to our relationship that made me bitter and bitterness turned into envy because I wanted him to be like he used to be fast forward to many break ups later I tried to get over him again and I slept with someone new and 6 months later we started back up dating me and my old love. I decided not to tell him about this last guy because of how he took the news first time...

I changed a lot I began to dress modestly I stopped drinking and doing drugs which was a problem through out our relationship I wanted him to see me in a totally different light because I felt that I was truly a changed woman. But he began to openly disrespect our relationship again and one night our fight got physical and he has never hit me so I was shocked he then told me he has been with 6 other women since we have been together he asked me to be open about what I have done so that we can move forward either break up or work it out but in that moment I decided not to tell him after that it began to be very awkward for me the truth started to eat me up he began telling his family he was going to marry me I started to sweat and have night mares like who was I kidding he doesn't know what I've done I'm not the woman he thinks .

I decided to make up a reason to fight and I moved out but today I sent him a long text and I told him the truth about everything I am sorry if this thread is long and has no breaks I'm shaking as I'm texting this it has been 2 hours since I sent him the message and he hasn't responded you guys did I do the right thing or should I have taken this to my grave I might have lost him forever

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Old 20th June 2017, 11:01 AM   #8
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What exactly are you playing at here? Your first post on this thread is an exact copy and paste of a thread you started way back in 2009. Also back then you seemed to be in an affair with an MM and now this person you are posting about is also married. Then you follow up on this thread with some weird story about some guy you have been seeing for seven years. You cheat on him and he cheats on you.

I always say that dating newly seperated or newly divorced is very risky business however based on your posting history I would say anyone getting involved with you is also taking a big risk as it doesn't sound as if you have ever had a healthy faithful relationship with anyone. By reading your last post I think you are not ready to start a new relationship with anyone.
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Old 20th June 2017, 11:53 AM   #9
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If this guy just filed for divorce he is not divorced yet. No you shouldn't date him until he is actually divorced. He could change his mind and go back to his wife.
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Old 20th June 2017, 12:17 PM   #10
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Filling in a few blanks might help. This is the same guy from 2009, right? Did the divorce go through? Did you wind up getting married? Kids? Did the guy from your first post on LS ever wind up becoming the President of some country in Africa?
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Old 20th June 2017, 2:12 PM   #11
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It would be a good idea to get involved with single men instead of a married men from now on.
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Old 20th June 2017, 2:13 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youngandinlove View Post
I have recently started dating a man who works at my job. He has recently filed for divorce and we have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I really like him but i do not want to be hurt when he decides things are getting to be too restrictive something like a marriage. i dont want to get into a relationship either so we agree on that note. About his marriage though it didnt work out because he and his wife married too soon with out getting to know each other more.... I am extremly attracted to him but he is ready to do something with me and i do not know if it is the right thing right now for him or me. By something i mean (sex)
Please be h0nest with me should i pump my breaks or should i let things happen naturally and see what his next move is??
Sex will always be a good idea to him whether it's you or someone else.
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Old 21st June 2017, 8:32 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youngandinlove View Post
I have recently started dating a man who works at my job. He has recently filed for divorce and we have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I really like him but i do not want to be hurt when he decides things are getting to be too restrictive something like a marriage. i dont want to get into a relationship either so we agree on that note. About his marriage though it didnt work out because he and his wife married too soon with out getting to know each other more.... I am extremly attracted to him but he is ready to do something with me and i do not know if it is the right thing right now for him or me. By something i mean (sex)
Please be h0nest with me should i pump my breaks or should i let things happen naturally and see what his next move is??
Is he actually divorced or just filed? Big difference.

I wouldn't get involved with a newly divorced man. He's looking to 'date' not get into a relationship after a marriage. Plus do you think he's ready to commit and get serious?

RUN.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 12:01 PM   #14
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To take this at face value I typically don't date separated men and newly divorced ones I have a lot of questions for before I'm comfortable with it (mostly trying to see how much they have haeled and moved on).

Current BF has filed for divorce and has been to court a few times but not yet divorced. He's been my hardest relationship in a lot of ways due to him being stuck in a 'me' mind state fora lot of the relationship. He seems to have come around but I still don't know whether I'm wasting my time or now at this point.

I've known a few people who have dated in similar situations and have gotten burned badly in scenarios like the guy went back to the wife.

I would tread carefully and really try to understand where things are and how over it it REALLY is.
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Old 22nd June 2017, 12:40 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youngandinlove View Post
I have recently started dating a man who works at my job. He has recently filed for divorce and we have been dating for about 3 weeks now. I really like him but i do not want to be hurt when he decides things are getting to be too restrictive something like a marriage. i dont want to get into a relationship either so we agree on that note. About his marriage though it didnt work out because he and his wife married too soon with out getting to know each other more.... I am extremly attracted to him but he is ready to do something with me and i do not know if it is the right thing right now for him or me. By something i mean (sex)
Please be h0nest with me should i pump my breaks or should i let things happen naturally and see what his next move is??
Sorry but I'm confused...

What do you mean that YOU don't want a relationship either? Is it a relationship or marriage that you don't want? Those are totally two different things.

If neither of you want a relationship then why are 'dating' and seconding guessing sex with this man. Why bother with him in the first place if you're so afraid of getting hurt?


Regardless, I would echo those who said getting involved with a newly divorced man is cause for pause. Add in the fact that you work together and you have a cocktail for plenty of problems if things don't go well.

Unless you both agree on and are perfectly clear about what it is you're doing, and are prepared for whatever may come from that good or bad, I'd stay clear of him.

Good luck.
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Last edited by Michelle ma Belle; 22nd June 2017 at 12:42 PM..
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