Neutrino Posted June 2, 2009 Share Posted June 2, 2009 I posted here a while back, after some 10 months of working for this company and not getting any feed-back from my boss. We don't click, not back then, not now. When my assessment was up - our HR (with whom I'm on good terms) literally forced my strange non-communicative manager to do the assessment, it turned out he was happy with my performance. 2 months later my contract was up for renewal, the HR manager, my boss and myself were sitting in the HR office, HR manager said "It is important to tell your employees you are happy with them, before they feel ignored and leave..." smiling at me, and giving a meaningful look to my manager... They also gave me a 3% raise I never asked for. So that was a sweet day in more ways than one. However, the "weirdness" still persists : my manager and I had a disagreement a week later, instead of coming to talk to me himself - he sent the HR manager and made sure to avoid me the whole day (it was ridiculous - he entered his office through the warehouse just not to pass by my office !). At semi-social events he makes sure to even avoid eye-contact with me. A couple of weeks back we were in the lab - he passed me some tools, and (I would like to think unintentionally) dropped a large screwdriver right on my toe, he laughed a strange short laugh, but never said "sorry" or anything. This morning I come into the lab bright and early to open up a system and there's some broken glass on the desk and floor.... Guess who (2 left hands he has - each time in my office he never fails to step on something, or drop something), it could only be him - I guess he cleaned some, but not all. I'm sooo mad - luckily our paths will not cross for the coming 3 weeks, but what the hell is his problem ?!? Except of that - he backs me up and takes my side on most things. I also know from a colleague in another country my manager said I was doing a good job. To the best of my judgement I never said or did anything to offend him - so why am I getting this crap ? Maybe I should add this : I am a casual free-thinking type, most people find me blunt and straight to the point, but not offensive or rude. He is, although intelligent, old fashioned and rigid in his opinions and practices. We often clash on : me insisting on investigating upgrades and renewals (as far away as possible from mainstream...), him arguing we should stick to the old and familair until it collapses around us.... Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 I don't envy you. I too have a boss who is really a great guy to work for but he's difficult to communicate with and is typically abrasive. Yours sounds like a bit of a weirdo but I'm glad you got a raise out of it! Good luck with his passive aggression. Whatever you did to upset him it sounds like you're holding your own. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 Yuck. Passive Agressive Poster Boy. lol. And not subtle about it either. Either he has a huge lack of life experience , feels professionally threatened, or is attracted to you and doesnt know what to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted June 8, 2009 Share Posted June 8, 2009 He strikes me as socially inept. I also wonder, Neutrino, if you're reading a little too much into his actions. Silly question but are you interested in him in any way? Link to post Share on other sites
BoredPerson Posted June 9, 2009 Share Posted June 9, 2009 I think you should just lay low and ignore your boss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 12, 2009 Author Share Posted June 12, 2009 Thank you all for your input - sorry I didn't respond earlier, I was out on a work trip the whole week. No, not with my boss All your comments made me think, the socially inept part is correct, life experience - I have no idea... Although funny this reminds me now : two other colleagues from our international offices mentioned on two separate occassions (and without questioning from my side) that "he seems to have a serious problem with women..." I never thought about it because with other female colleagues (in much lower positions) he seems to have no problems at all being friendly and chatty, it's only with me (and I'm the only female scientist)... So I'm not sure what to make of it - if you have a problem with women - it is all women, not just some, right ... ? or how does it work ? I suppose there is some interest from my side - it is an enigma to me why he dislikes me so much. I get along with everyone - and make good professional connections with anyone who is reasonable. Just this manager... Yes - I guess I'm very interested in knowing WHY ! I love my job now and plan to stay here for many years, so this is a serious pain in the rear.... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 it doesn't sound like he dislikes you, just doesn't know how to deal with you on a professional level. Add in the awkward factor (by that, I mean if he's socially awkward), and you get clumsy, doesn't-know-how-to-act folks like that. LOL, I totally get that way around attractive people (male or female), and I'm not sure why ... most of 'em are really nice folks, but something just makes me get flustered! look for common ground and forge a work relationship on that ... I'm sure once he figures out a way to be comfortable with you, things will improve over all. Link to post Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch Posted June 12, 2009 Share Posted June 12, 2009 You said you were blunt, I am the same way. Personally I would sit him don and ask him if there was anything you did because you get the feeling he is uncomfortable about you and you hope he doesn't feel that way. I'd bring up that even though you might clash in your ideas, it makes for a good balance when everyone does not think alike. I have a feeling you said or did something in the past that he secretly took exception to or just can't get past. It may have been something, being that you are a woman, that in his old fashioned thinking he has a problem with. You probably didn't do anything wrong but in his view he either holds it against you or is uncomfortable about it. I think if you confront him and do it in a way that doesn't accuse him of anything he might respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 13, 2009 Author Share Posted June 13, 2009 Thanks again, in any case this is turning into a very interesting discussion !! I don't want to say anything directly - it may reinforce the already existing discomfort... And then I can not turn things back, and although I get along well with pretty much everyone - I do not form friendships at work - you never know who might turn against you tomorrow, or for what reason... Maybe I should just drop something on his foot and instead of "Sorry" say "I owed you one anyway..." LOL The main problem is - I'm afraid the situation will escalate : because of the way he treats me - I keep things as short as possible with him, and I'm getting the impression this is reciprocated. Sometimes I try to be nice, like when I see him battling with the printer in the hall, I offer help, and he gives me an angry look - but no answer... So trying to be nice also hits a dead-end. Trying to talk to this guy openly is a great danger - anything I say that could possibly be misunderstood - will be... I would like to try to improve things with him - but in a more subtle way - something I can always pull back from if it is not well received by his lordship.... ** I forgot to add : I doubt that me being female can be a problem to him - even if he has problems with women - I'm the exact opposite of anything he would consider feminine, so this immediately eliminates any such problems. OUCH Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 If you're socially awkward, the only thing harder than dealing with you own gender is interacting with the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 16, 2009 Author Share Posted June 16, 2009 I agree with the theory - but in fact, he seems to be having no trouble at all socializing with the other women here..... Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted June 16, 2009 Share Posted June 16, 2009 If he's comfortable with them and not you, it suggests more than ever that he's got the hots for you or he's intimidated. In my experience people will treat you badly for any one of 4 reasons (and they're all related): you have something they want, you're in their way, they're immature, or they're insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 18, 2009 Author Share Posted June 18, 2009 Hi Shindig, what field are you in ? Link to post Share on other sites
Shindig Posted June 18, 2009 Share Posted June 18, 2009 Professionally I'm a biochemist. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 19, 2009 Share Posted June 19, 2009 It's kind of ridiculous to think that he has hots for her. Moste likely he just doesn't find her/her personality to be his cup of tea and prefers to talk/socialize with people that he has more in common with. Some people are not even polite when they plain don't like you. Don't read into it because you have a crush on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 @ Shindig : I'm a physicist - pretty close @ BEG : I find it odd that someone drops something on your foot and doesn't say "Sorry" (which is almost a reflex for most people who had any kind of upbringing), this is only one small example of things that happened at work - and whatever he thinks of my character should not play a part, but since I stand by my point that I never did anything to offend him - I find this behaviour unreasonable. I did not mention having a crush on him, but I love my job and intend to stay here for a while, so naturally - I would want to at most defuse this situation, or at least prevent it from escalating. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueEyedGirl Posted June 22, 2009 Share Posted June 22, 2009 @ Shindig : I'm a physicist - pretty close @ BEG : I find it odd that someone drops something on your foot and doesn't say "Sorry" (which is almost a reflex for most people who had any kind of upbringing), this is only one small example of things that happened at work - and whatever he thinks of my character should not play a part, but since I stand by my point that I never did anything to offend him - I find this behaviour unreasonable. I did not mention having a crush on him, but I love my job and intend to stay here for a while, so naturally - I would want to at most defuse this situation, or at least prevent it from escalating. I still don't get why are you overanalyzing this situation and the only answer is because you have a crush on him (whetever you admit it or not). Saying sorry when someone drops something on your foot might be a reflex for you but obviously not for him. You are reading too much into it. The guy probably doesn't have the best social skills, doesn't like your personality and just wants to go on about his work with as little interaction as possible. I know that when I don't like someone, I am not fakely polite to them even in a work setting. I just avoid them as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Neutrino Posted June 22, 2009 Author Share Posted June 22, 2009 @ BEG : Human interactions are very complex, don't you think it is only too simple to say that any wonders about another person's behaviour must results from sexual interest ? Where I live, if you drop something on someone's foot, or spill coffee on them, or whatever accident - you say "sorry" it is not only me - here (I'm glad to say) it is everyone. Those who do not are the antisocial minority. Are you seriously telling me, that if you drop a hammer on a colleague's foot by mistake - you would look at them, take a moment to consider whether you like them enough to say "sorry" and if not just continue as if nothing ? Of course I observe (measure when possible) and analyze, this is what I'm trained to do Link to post Share on other sites
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